Oct 16 2009 That Looks Awful: Samurai Gaming Joypad

There comes a time in every gamer's life when you have to ask yourself, "Is the original manufacturer's controller good enough, or should I opt for a questionably constructed peripheral that looks like a skeletal samurai?" Enter the $25 Warrior USB Joypad. Did I mention the samurai's eyes glow green and the face mask is removable? Because that should make it a no-brainer. Suck it, Dual Shock, your ass just got feudal Japan-inated!

Hit the jump for a picture of the rear and one with the face mask on and eyes glowing. YOINKS!

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Sep 16 2009 Hack And Slash: College Student Kills Would-Be Robber With Samurai Sword

John Pontilillo, a Johns Hopkins undergrad, killed a would-be robber with a samurai sword after finding the thieving bastard attempting to pilfer items from his garage. Nice, John, I would have done the same thing. Except blindfolded because I'm like 30x tougher than you are.

Hours earlier, someone had broken into John Pontolillo's house and taken two laptops and a video-game console. Now it was past midnight, and he heard noises coming from the garage out back.

The Johns Hopkins University undergraduate didn't run. He didn't call the police. He grabbed his samurai sword.

With the 3- to 5-foot-long (HOW LONG WAS IT?!), razor-sharp weapon in hand, police say, Pontolillo crept toward the noise. He noticed a side door in the garage had been pried open. When a man inside lunged at him, police say, the confrontation was fatal.

Pontolillo...struck the intruder no more than twice, police say, nearly severing his left hand and inflicting what police termed a "spear laceration."

Hell yeah, vigilante justice. This is exactly why I booby-trapped my Pop Tart cabinet. Next time my roommate tries to steal some, BOOM! Literally, boom: monster effing explosion. Say goodbye to your face, Dave -- it sucked anyways! Seriously, your mom doesn't even love it. I know because she told me WHEN WE WERE MAKING LOVE. She talked about you the whole time.

Hopkins student kills man with samurai sword [baltimoresun]
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Picture Source

Thanks to Justina, An, draw and jawn, muzakx, Kate from NashVegas, Alan, Alex, Carrie and e., who would have used nunchucks.

Jun 26 2009 Samurai Swordsman Cuts Baseball In Half

Resident samurai Isao Machii returns, this time cutting a launched baseball in half. Unfortunately, it took him two tries. I could have done it in one, making a second ball obsolete. Rollerblading accident. It unraveled.

Japanese Samurai Slices Pitched Baseball In Half [totalprosports]

Thanks to Dan, who once chopped a thrown bowling ball in half with laser vision.

Apr 24 2009 Modern Samurai Returns With More HI-YA

I'm not sure if you enjoyed the last episode of Isao Machii: Modern Samurai as much as I did, but if you didn't, you should watch it again until you do. Then we can start a book club. But instead of books we'll discuss Youtube videos and drink beer. Plus, if you're a chick, we could make out. Hell, even if you're not but willing to wear a Dilophosaurus costume. Anyway, I'm sure you've just been chilling till the next episode, but chill no longer, because here she blows. The highlights:

0:45: Isao cuts the wick off a burning candle. The GW begins practicing for his next birthday party.
2:30: Isao cuts the skin off a piece of asparagus. My pee smells funny after I eat asparagus.
4:40: Isao slices the tail off an arrow that's been shot at him. I reconsider bringing a bow and arrow to a samurai sword fight.
8:30: Isao cuts a steel plate in half without bending or warping the piece at all. I consider hiring Isao for future construction jobs.

Well folks, there you have it, the latest from a modern Samurai. And now, the latest from a modern Don Juan:

Last night: Woman at the bar rejected all my advances, despite my insistence I could make her internet famous. Went home alone and treated myself to a stranger in the bathtub.

Too romantic?

Youtube

Thanks to Tom and Jason, who can cut through steel with just a glance and have to wear those special shades Cyclops wears. Just kidding, they're fake Oakleys.

Apr 14 2009 Blade Work: Isao Machii, Modern Samurai

This is a video of Isao Machii, who is billed as a modern-day Samurai, showing off his skills with the blade. It's a long video, so I'll direct you to the good parts.

1:45: Cuts the top half of a mushroom's cap off. Sent shivers down my pants.
3:30: Horizontally cuts a bean lengthwise. Sent shivers down my pants.
5:15: Cuts a 6mm Airsoft BB shot at him in half. GW realizes bringing a gun to a Samurai fight might not be enough.
8:00: Cuts an iron pipe in half without bending or warping the pipe. This part is skippable, since I totally could have done that. With my penis. HI-YA, BITCHES!

Youtube

Thanks to Jason, who once got a watermelon pregnant just by glancing at it in the produce section of the grocery store.

Apr 4 2009 Hardcore: Man Gets Hand Cut Off With Samurai Sword, Punches Attacker With Stump

Peter Rogers is a hardcore dude. First he insults some guy's girlfriend's mother, and then, in the resulting bar fight, gets his hand cut off with a samurai sword but continues to punch his attacker in the face with his bloody stump. Wow, Mr Rogers (I really loved your little train set!).

Detective Garda Tony Gleeson told Dublin Circuit Criminal Court that Russell severed Mr Roger's hand at the wrist with his first swing of the sword and his hand fell to the ground. Mr Rogers continued to struggle with Russell and at one stage punched the accused in the face with the stump of his arm.

Det Gda Gleeson said that Mr Rogers had been in the pub with a number of friends that day when he heard someone shout, "there's the c**t" before he was struck from behind with a hammer. This blow came from Russell's co-accused and friend who was then wrestled away by bar staff.

Russell then swung a samurai sword at Mr Rogers and continued to strike at him four or five times before staff dragged him away. He was restrained by the bar manager but managed to escape and fled the scene.

Det Gda Gleeson said that one customer picked up Mr Rogers' hand and placed it in ice in a black bag. The victim was taken to the Mater hospital where he underwent emergency surgery to re-attach his hand. He is 'unlikely to regain full use' of limb.

First of all, good looking, Mr Rogers (I loved that episode where you visited the post office!) Secondly, how the hell do you get a samurai sword into a bar? I mean, I can't even count the times I've been frisked because a doorman suspected my penis was a WMD (which, to their credit, it totally is. Ladies?). Lastly, sorry to hear about your hand, Mr Rogers (don't forget to feed the fish!), but look on the bright side -- Best. Strangers. EVER.

Sword attacker sliced off victim's left hand [independent]

Thanks to Matthew and Cian, who once got their hands cut off but only cried about it. Wow, you two could really learn a thing or two from Mr Rogers here. Including, but not limited to: how to be a good neighbor.

Feb 12 2008 Samurai Armor For Man's Best Friend Is Old

So I find out several days after the sweet cat and mouse armor that pet armor has actually been around for quite some time. Exhibit A: Samurai dog armor, circa 1800. It likely belonged to a high-ranking samurai and includes such quality materials as "chanfron armor, doeskin leather, silk brocade, a hand-carved wooden mask and gold leaf." I will admit it looks pretty good, but let's get real -- a dog would look foolish in this outfit. But cats are a completely different story. It's like in the book of Genesis when God is making everything.

On the sixth day God created animals and he said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and cats. You heard me, cats. And I want them to have some sweet freaking armor. Oh yeah, now I'm talking. Battle cats baby!" And God saw that it was good. Especially the armored cats. He loved them the most.

See, straight from the Bible people, you can't argue with that.

Samurai dog armor shows pet armers how it was done in the good old days [dvice]

Feb 8 2008 Cat Armor Is Awesome, My Cat Wants Some

Jeff de Boer is an artist that believes that cats would look way more awesome if they were wearing some freaking armor. And he's totally right. He's been making armor for animals since the 90's, and started with protective gear for mice (see pictures after jump). He then moved on to his line of cat battle gear, and I've got to say, it looks great. I've got one cat in particular that would look great in these get-ups. His name is Tiny, but we call him the terrorist or Shitty Bill. He would totally rock the hell out of the neighborhood cats if we gave him a suit like this. Of course then the little bastard would probably turn on me and kill me in my sleep. So I'm just going to make him cardboard armor instead. If he's lucky he may get a tinfoil helmet, but definitely no lance.

UPDATE: Shitty Bill cried until I promised him a lance. So I guess I'll make him one out out of a broomstick or something.

UPDATE: Jesus, now he wants a mount to ride.

UPDATE: Tied him to the dog. They look great, totally ready for battle.

A bunch more pictures along with a link to the whole gallery after the jump.

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