Jan 28 2010 J.D. Salinger Dies At 91

J.D. Salinger, best known as the reclusive writer of 'The Catcher In The Rye' and being one of my favorite authors, has passed away at 91. I took the liberty of including some of my favorite quotes from Catcher here, but I highly highly HIGHLY encourage you all to take the time and read 'Nine Stories' and 'Franny and Zooey' and 'Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction'.

What really knocks me out is a book, when you're all done reading it, you wished the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it.

The thing is, it's really hard to be roommates with people if your suitcases are much better than theirs - if yours are really good ones and theirs aren't. You think if they're intelligent and all, the other person, and have a good sense of humor, that they don't give a damn whose suitcases are better, but they do. They really do. It's one of the reasons why I roomed with a stupid bastard like Stradlater. At least his suitcases were as good as mine.

If a girl looks swell when she meets you, who gives a damn if she's late? Nobody.

I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.

Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

I had heard that Salinger had allegedly been stockpiling and saving work to be published posthumously, so we can only hope that's the case. Rest in peace, J.D.

'Catcher in the Rye' author J.D. Salinger dies [yahoonews]

Jan 21 2010 Remember That Jerk That Filmed His Wife Crying After Watching Star Wars?

In case you forgot here's the original post. And now dude has started a website with videos of her crying after every movie they watch. Which so far includes Star Wars, Lord of The Rings, Back to the Futures I and III, Flash of Genius, 2012 and Marley & Me. Now that's a healthy marriage. But is it a healthy meal? No, but Subway has $5 footlongs. Also, if you can watch Marley & Me and not cry you don't have a heart. And I'm not saying that because I cried, because I didn't. I bawled like a baby. But then I chopped down a sequoia with my bare hands and f***ed a cement truck, so, yeah, still all man. Also, stuck (bring a sledgehammer).

Crying Wife

Thanks to cocoa, who knows the only thing funnier than watching somebody cry is watching somebody cry because they hurt themselves doing something stupid.

Jan 19 2010 Avatar Claims First Victim, More To Follow

It was only a matter of time before Avatar killed somebody, and it's finally happened. Which is exactly why I haven't gone to see it. Well, that and I've been banned from all the local theaters for public indecency excessive awesomeness and killer style.

According to AFP, the 42-year-old cinemagoer, surnamed Kuo, had a history of high blood pressure and suffered a stroke while watching the film in in the northern city of Hsinchu (Taiwan).

Emergency room doctor Peng Chin-chih told AFP: "It's likely that the over-excitement from watching the movie triggered his symptoms."

The China Times reported that the incident represented "the first death linked to watching James Cameron's science-fiction epic".

Interesting, China, but if it was actually Avatar that killed him then how do you explain THIS GUNSHOT WOUND?! Dum dum dum!

Avatar kills Taiwanese man [theregister]

Thanks to Justin, who was *this close* to losing consciousness during Titanic.

Jan 18 2010 The Oracle Has Spoken: Vision Of The Future

When I was 12 I was convinced this is what the future would look like. Needless to say, I've had to develop some pretty serious defense mechanisms to deal with disappointment in the past 16 years. But I haven't given up -- I WILL be blinded by science laser aereolas. Or die trying. Probably die trying.

Hit the jump for the uncensored, slightly more nipple-y shot.

Continue Reading " The Oracle Has Spoken: Vision Of The Future "

Jan 14 2010 EWE EWH!: Sheep Born With A Human Face

NOTE: BELIEVE ME, YOU DON'T WANT TO HIT THE JUMP (God I'm good at getting extra pageviews).

So a sheep in Turkey (you're not a bird!) gave birth to a lamb with a human face. Except the lamb was already dead and had to be cut out via c-section. Apparently it was some kind of horrific mutation. God I'm depressed now.

Erhan Elibol, a vet, performed a caesarean on the animal to take the lamb out, but was horrified to see that the features of the lamb's snout bore a striking resemblance to a human face.

Vets said that the rare mutation most likely occurred as a result of improper mutation since the fodder for the lamb's mother was abundant with vitamin A, CNNTurk.com reports.

The mutant creature was hairless. Local residents said that even dogs were afraid to approach the bizarre animal.

The locals burnt the body of the little goat, and biologists had no chance to study the rare mutation.

You can see the uncensored shot after the jump if you want, but I strongly advise against it. THE PICTURE CANNOT BE UNSEEN, no matter how roughly you sandpaper your eyes (I recommend at least an 80-grit).

Hit it if you want, but I wouldn't if I was you.

Continue Reading " EWE EWH!: Sheep Born With A Human Face "

Jan 13 2010 In Case Of Nuclear Attack....

7. Comfort the dying.

Geez that's morbid. And as much as I'd like to think I could, I'd probably be too busy running around in circles screaming. They don't call me Mr. Cool Under Fire for nothing you know.

In Case Of Nuclear Attack: #7 - Comfort The Dying [ohgizmo]

Jan 11 2010 Never Ever Would I Ever: Fondle A Sex Robot

Seen here in one of the world's most pathetic photographs, Douglas Hines chats it up with his sex robot "Roxxxy" about soccer (and he wonders why he needs a sex robot).

The anatomically-correct robot, who can even snore, has an articulated skeleton that can move like a person but can't walk or independently move its limbs.

There is Wild Wendy, who is outgoing and adventurous, Frigid Farrah, who is reserved and shy, a young unnamed doll with a naïve personality, "matriarchal kind of caring" Mature Martha and S & M Susan, who is geared for more adventurous types.

Coming with a laptop the doll, priced between US$7,000 (£4,350) to US$9,000 (£5,993), was unveiled at the AVN Adult Entertainment Expo in Las Vegas at the weekend.

Inspiration for the sex robot sprang from the September 11, 2001 attacks, he said, where a friend died and he vowed to store his personality forever.

WTF!? Honoring the memory of a friend by humping his likeness in sex-robot form? Listen, I don't want to be honored if that's how they're doing it these days. Just shoot my body out of a cannon and call it a day.

Foxy 'Roxxxy': world's first 'sex robot' can talk about football [telegraph]

Thanks to Spenny "human advocat", dB, Brad B, Zerv, Steve P, TobyRaider, Brandon, Ben, Kyle, M3ntal, The Harbinger of Dooooooooom, Jasmine, dez, J.D., Mollie, Jack and Shannon, who don't do robots. Literally or figuratively.

Jan 5 2010 You've Gotta Be Kidding Me: Forum To Help People Deal With Post-Avatar Depression Because The Dream Of Pandora Can't Come True

I don't see movies in the theater because I'm afraid to leave my bedroom, so I haven't seen Avatar and I don't know what the dream of Pandora is. But if it's anything like The Heart of the Ocean from Titanic then old wrinkly Rose had it the whole time! So yeah, there's a forum thread dedicated to help people deal with the depression they're experiencing because Pandora isn't real.

Original Poster:

I recently read on the Avatar TypePad Blog, that people are becoming depressed because of the movie. People are realizing that the dream can't actually come true. I was trying to start a thread where people gave ideas on how to cope with it, as in reading Avatar stuff, Writing ( about avatar of course), painting, or whatever.

Person Coping:
After I watched Avatar at the first time, I trully felt depressed as I "wake" up in this world again.
So after few days, I went to cinema and watched it again for the second time to relieve the depression and hopeless feeling.
Now I listen to the soundtrack and share my views in this forum. It really helps.

Person Offering Advice:
Start living like Neytiri: in touch with nature, the environment, and not being greedy and wasteful. Pass on the burger, for something more healthy for you and less cruel to animals. Spend your time on this forum, or volunteering in your free time, instead of getting high or drinking, twiddling your thumbs, being apathetic and complaining about how bad the world is. Don't get swept away by the wave of negativity, live your dream. Your life has only two switches, to shine or not to shine. There is no "apathy" setting. If you're on apathy setting you might as well sign your world away to destruction. When you get discouraged by everyone around you, be courageous like Jake, and jump on the leonopteryx. Be the change you want to see in your world. There are only so many people on this earth, the more of them that are doing positive things, the less of them that are out there doing negative things. It's unfortunate that we live in a world where, just by pulling a trigger or making a corporate decision, one single greedy human being can wipe out the hard works of love of many people. But this is why we need to stop focusing on money and start focusing on our environment. Because we have the intelligence to kill ourselves, but not the wisdom to stop it. What will our money buy, when everything that is worth having is destroyed? The only way you can fill the emptiness you feel after this movie, is to jump on the leonopteryx.

Now depression, no matter what brings it on, isn't funny. So I'm not making fun of these people. But what I am saying is if you can't go around beating yourself up every time a fictional universe isn't real. If that was the case I would have offed myself years ago when I didn't find anything but suit jackets and mothballs in my grandmother's wardrobe.

Ways to cope with the depression of the dream of Pandora being intangible. [avatarforums] (with tons and tons of people chiming in)

Thanks to Spenny!, who knows there's nothing to depress but depression itself.

Dec 21 2009 A Real Life Russel From Pixar's 'Up'

I never saw 'Up' because I heard it was sad and, quite frankly, my life is sad enough. But if you did see the movie and were wondering what a real-life Russel would look like, your prayers have been answered. This: he would look like this. And, wait -- is that a Boyscout Cookie eating badge I see?

Picture

Thanks to sham, who once tied like forty helium balloons to a picnic table and dined in the sky.

Dec 19 2009 FYI: Why You Don't Make Your Own Love Doll

Listen, just buy one. Sure she'll eventually pop, but it's better than explaining this thing to your parents when they come home from vacation early. Although admittedly, the Covergirl face is a nice touch. The one breast not so much. YOU HAVE TO BE GENTLE!

Hit the jump for the uncensored version, which may or may not have a zombie hand for a vagina. WARNING: IMAGE CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Continue Reading " FYI: Why You Don't Make Your Own Love Doll "

Dec 16 2009 Memories: Kurt Cobain Playing With A Kitty

For all you OLD lovers out there, I've got the feeling this photo is at LEAST 15 years late, but -- Jesus, has it already been 15 years? Feels like it was just yesterday.

Hit the jump for another shot of Kurt and another, little-er kitty.

Continue Reading " Memories: Kurt Cobain Playing With A Kitty "

Dec 15 2009 Forget Not Where Thy Petrol Floweth From

This is a little funny cartoon. Funny in a sad way. Like watching an old lady with a flowery hat on trying to open the door to the thrift store even though the sign clearly states, "Closed on Sundays".

The Chive

Thanks to Captain_O!, who drives an electric car because electricity comes from dead witches.

Dec 14 2009 Woman Cries After Seeing Return Of The Jedi

This is a video of a husband filming his wife crying after watching Return of the Jedi. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to laugh or not, so I did anyways just to cover my bases (you're out!). Women: can't live with 'em, can't just come over when you're hungry or need a button sewn on a shirt. WHY IS THIS LIFE SO DIFFICULT?!

Wife Cries After Star Wars [collegehumor]

Thanks to Doug, who filmed me crying after watching two girls one cup. That is NOT how ice cream is made.

Dec 13 2009 Pew Pew?: Quadriplegic Man Wins Right To Hunt With Mouth-Operated Shotgun

Because everybody deserves the right to shoot animals, a 46-year old quadriplegic will now be hunting in New Jersey with the assistance of a mouth-operated 12-gauge shotgun.

Jamie Cap, 46, was injured in an accident 30 years ago while playing American football. A head-on tackle resulted in a neck injury that left him a quadriplegic and robbed him of hunting, one of his passions.

"I don't know if there are words," he said. "I'm so happy. When you find you can do something again after 30 years, you can't put a price on that. Some people think it's nothing, but try being paralysed for 30 years and then come talk to me."

For a quadriplegic, firing a shotgun requires help from a companion. In Mr Cap's case, a friend sets up the contraption, safety on, on Mr Cap's wheelchair and Mr Cap aims the shotgun by moving the toggle switch with his mouth. Once his partner releases the safety, Mr Cap fires by sipping on the breathing tube.

BLAM! *bleeding* Ugh. Coke. on. right.

US quadriplegic man wins right to go hunting [telegraph]

Thanks to Malice, who feels sorry for New Jersey deer, but only because they live in Jersey.

Dec 2 2009 Gotta Be Kidding Me: Newlyweds Update Facebook Relationship Statuses At Altar

Listen, I don't know these people and I don't know what their deal is. Maybe they met on Facebook or something. And if they did, this is still the most pathetic thing I've ever seen. Of course, marriage is a joke anyways, amirite? Well, mine was.

During his wedding ceremony, Dana Hanna whipped out his mobile device and not only changed his relationship status to married on Facebook (Facebook), but also sent out a tweet announcing that the couple had become man and wife.

I've got to admit, there might be an upside to this. A wife that lets you Facebook and tweet from the altar might also be cool with a little "social networking" after marriage, if you catch my drift. I'm talking about swinging.

Just Married: Groom Changes Facebook Relationship Status at the Altar [mashable]

Thanks to Lea C, who only swings from chandeliers because she's the life of the party.

Dec 1 2009 You've Gotta Be Kidding Me: My Life Is Twilight

So there's a new website out there that's similar to fmylife, but instead of people talking about how much their lives suck, it's a bunch girls talking about how much their lives are like Twilight, which is even sadder. Some examples:

Today I asked my boyfriend if he would hold ice to his lips for a minute before he kissed me, so I could pretend I was kissing Edward. He did. MLIT

by Rachel - Love - Your life is SO Twilight! (94) - Not so much Twilight.. (18)

Today I was wearing my twilight t-shirt at the store. This pale guy with topaz eyes came up to me and said: "Say it. Say it out loud." I squeled, and said "Vampire. How old are you?' he said, "17. I've been 17 for awhile." It was so cool! MLIT.

by Scramble - My Life - Your life is SO Twilight! (52) - Not so much Twilight.. (7)

WOW. Oooh, I've got one:

Today I was hopping around the forest, munching some carrots, you know -- the usual, when some glittery asshole killed me so he could drink my blood. WTF JERK?! MLIT.

by Peter Rabbit - My Life - Your life is SO Twilight! (1,593) - Not so much Twilight.. (2)

Feel free to write your own after the jump. Or, you can write a MLIG (My Life is Geekologie) if you want, I'm not stopping you.

My Life Is Twilight

Thanks to Jocelyn, who keeps her relationships with wolves are strictly platonic.

Nov 30 2009 Bending Over Is For Losers: The Shoedini

The Shoedini is a shoehorn on a pole. It's for people that don't like to/can't bend over to take their shoes off. I've got news for your folks: if you can't take your shoes on and off without a shoehorn on a stick, it's time for slippers. And probably a diet/will.

Youtube

Thanks to Petey, who doesn't need a shoehorn because he has ninja-feet and can walk on hot coals without wincing.

Nov 24 2009 DO NOT LIKE: It's Raining Polar Bears

WARNING: Video is graphic (in case you couldn't tell by the screenshot) due to simulated polar bear deaths.

This is a disturbing video of it raining polar bears (why couldn't it be men?!) funded by U.K. based Plane Stupid, an anti-airport expansion (read: terrorist) organization.

Brief: We wanted to confront people with the impact that short-haul flights have on the climate. We used Polar Bears because they're a well understood symbol of the effect that climate change is having on the natural world.

Granted I didn't even read the quote, but did that stop me from stealing my roommate's credit card and donating $30 to the SPCA? It did not.

Youtube

Thanks to Matthew, mike and The Baroness, who love polar bears but not enough to hug one because they will maul the shit out of you.

Nov 6 2009 Dolores: Germany's Hairless Spectacled Bear

Ever wonder what a bear with no hair would look like? This. Poor Dolores has lost her coat. She's a bare bear! I know, sometimes my word wizardry amazes even me.

Vets have been left baffled by the condition of the bespectacled bear, who lives at a zoo in Leipzig.

And Dolores isn't the only one. The sudden hair loss has affected all female bears at the zoo.

Some experts believe it could be due to a genetic defect though the animals do not seem to be suffering from any other affliction.

The bears, which originate from South America, normally have fluffy dark brown fur and would now be growing a thicker fur coat to keep warm during the winter.

Well Rogaine those bitches or something -- this shit ain't right! As much as I do love hunting bears and killing the shit out of them WITH MY BEAR HANDS (more word sorcery), bald bears make me sad as hell. Remember Fuzzy Wuzzy? Brings a tear to my eye.

Hit the jump for three more shots, including one of what Dolores normally looks like.

Continue Reading " Dolores: Germany's Hairless Spectacled Bear "

Oct 26 2009 Homeless Style: Cardboard Print Bed Covers

Ever wanted a bedspread that's printed to look like a bunch of cardboard boxes taped together? Who hasn't!? And one that looks like a snake pit, am I right? No -- just me? What the hell's the matter with you people?

This high quality duvet cover features a photographic print of a cardboard box. This produces an extremely sharp image that stays flexible because the ink is printed directly in the cotton. The image will stay crisp after frequent washing.

The cotton has a thread count of 144 threads per square inch, so it's soft to the touch virtually non-iron. The duvet cover is produced in Pakistan and child labour is not used.

30% of the gross profits go to Centrepoint, the UK charity for homeless young people aged 16-25 (charity number 292411). Every night Centrepoint provides support and housing for 800 vulnerable homeless young people.

I actually kind of like it, and $81 for a king size ain't bad (plus $10/pillowcase). Of course, you're going to have a lot of explaining to do if you try bringing a girl home. Namely, why there's a homeless person sleeping in your room. I'm a drifter, okay?!

Product Site

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who made a quilt out of trashbags but it blew away and got stuck on top of a light pole.