Jul 2 2009 Just Sad: 2-Year Old Smoking Cigarette

There's no way around it, this is just plain sad. And it would have been the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen all day if my little sister didn't get hit by a garbage truck. Kidding, streetsweeper.

China : 2yo Lights Up Cigarette And Smokes It. [liveleak]

Thanks to Weeze, who, slow down and take a breath man, it looks like you're about to die.

Jun 7 2009 WoW Gold Farming Website Pays $500K For Tattoo Ad On Adult Film Star's Ample Chest

Russian adult film star Anna Morgan (seen above, possibly named after that chick in The Ring) was paid $500,000 to get a tattoo on her natural DD breasts advertising a World of Warcraft gold-selling website. Ah, capitalism. Also, breast advertisement ever.

The WoW Gold selling website, MyMMOShop.com has paid Russian porn star Anna Morgan to tattoo their company's logo and website URL to her breasts. The company feels that her natural dd sized breasts will provide an ample space for the advertisement. Given the number of films porn stars tend to make in a year's time, the tattoo should be seen many thousands of times. Anna has agreed not to alter the tattoo for at least two years.

Wow, I don't know what to say. This is simultaneously the most brilliant and saddest thing I've ever heard. I don't know whether I should laugh or cry or try to motorboat my monitor. BWUBWUBWUBWWUB! I chose wisely.

Porn Star Paid $500,000 To Tattoo Company URL & Logo To Her DD Breasts [newsguide]

Thanks to Troy, who once ran a Snuggie ad on his junk. The rest, is history.

Jun 6 2009 Ninja Boy Could Use A Few More Lessons

This is ninja boy (think Star Wars boy yet somehow remarkably sadder) filming himself out in the wilderness (read: the local park) pulling off some Rad to the power of Unhealthy ninja moves. It's seven minutes long and BY NO MEANS should you piss away an entire seven minutes of your life watching it all (I did). But he does spice up his maneuvers, so you will want to skip around. And, for as much fun as I want to make of the poor bastard, he could probably kick my ass if I didn't have laser blasters for eyes. But I do. Suck it, ninjard!

Ninja Nerd [liveleak]

Thanks to MoD, who could out-ninja like thirty ninja cats.

May 26 2009 Not Surprised: Ninja Turtle Notoriety Charts

I can honestly say I'm surprised the numbers for renaissance artists aren't even lower. Because one time when I was substitute teaching for a class of fourth graders I asked who sculpted David and the only response was from a girl who asked if that was the one with the penis. I said yes and then they all started chanting I was gay.

Ninja Turtles [xkcd]

Thanks Andrew, who once cowabunga'ed two chicks at once in the Party Wagon.

Apr 29 2009 Spellbound Apprentice Casts Off Wizard Hat And Robe, Gets Tazed By The Po-diddly

NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW DUE TO THE WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS.

This is a video from Coachella of a wizard who refuses to put his hat and robe back on (you're doing it wrong!) and instead waves his minuscule penis around like Harry Potter trying to cast a spell of sadness on anyone foolish enough to look.

"It doesn't have to stop," the Naked Wizard says.

"I'll tell you what," the cop says. "You can have a great time -- but you can have an even better time if you put your clothes on...Can I get them for you?"

The officer grabs the gown and tosses to the Naked Wizard, but he casts it away again. Then the cops put on their rubber gloves, and things get ugly.

You really can't help but feel sorry for the guy. But, on the upside, this video should make you feel good about your own magic stick. So make sure to watch the video with your significant other while pointing at the dude's nubbin and telling them to be thankful. I swear, a naked wizard on drugs with the world's smallest penis getting tasered by the diddly -- is today my birthday or what?

Naked Wizard Taser Brawl At Coachella [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to A-lice in Wonderland and chainsawarms, who both noted the magician's wand was probably too small to cast any real dangerous spells.

Mar 21 2009 Sad: Text Messages For The Friendless

Fiona Carswell is a friendless hag who lives in the woods and tries to entice children into her gingerbread house to eat them. Just kidding, I'm sure she's cool and has tons of friends. But that didn't stop her from designing 'Cell Stickies', which are electro-static stickers with fake text messages you stick on your iPhone when you're feeling down. Because let's face it, nothing boosts one's spirit like catching yourself sticking a fake text message sticker on your cell phone. Am I right? Oooh -- a text. "You are right. As usual." Haha, just as I thought! And here comes another! "You gave me herpes." Shit.

Cell Stickies For The Truly Delusional [ohgizmo]

Mar 18 2009 Percent Of Student Virgins Per College Major

As you can see, majoring in Mathematics or Chemistry pretty much guarantees you a sexless college experience. Good for you, hopefully you took a purity pledge or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, "CALLING ALL FEMALE STUDIO ART MAJORS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE -- BRING FINGERPAINT."

Virginity rates among students by major [forwardon]

Thanks to Julian (a poli-sci major) and Romeo, who majored in Juliet. HIYO!

Feb 27 2009 XBox Live's Don't Ask Don't Tell Policy

XBox Live doesn't want you letting anybody know you're gay. Because that's offensive. Recently, a woman was banned from online gaming for identifying herself as a lesbian in her profile.

My account was suspended because I had said in my profile that I was a lesbian. I was harassed by several players, 'chased' to different maps/games to get away from their harassment. They followed me into the games and told all the other players to turn me in because they didn't want to see that crap or their kids to see that crap.

As if xbox live is really appropriate for kids anyways! My account was suspended and xbox live did nothing to solve this, but instead said others found it offensive.

Hey, that reminds me, people suck. Per XBox Live's don't tell policy:

In regards to sexual orientation, for gamertags or profiles we do not allow expression of any type of orientation, be that hetero or other. Players can, however, self identify in voice communication where context is more easily explained to all players involved.

Weak. I say XBox embrace the gay community and ban all the harassers. I'm tired of gaming with a bunch of pre-pubescent boys anyways. Their voices alone make me want to throw the system out the window. Tolerance, XBox, tolerance. And for those of you that feel stifled by the inability to post your sexual preference on XBox Live, feel free to do so here. I'll even get us started with the first comment.

Identifying Yourself As A Lesbian Gets You Banned On XBOX Live [consumerist]
and
Microsoft's Policy Regarding Identifying Sexual Orientation On XBOX Live [consumerist]

Thanks to Marc, who was tolerant even after I puked in his car.