Nov 20 2009 Takes All Kinds: Machete-Wielding Taco Thief

The latest in a string of taco-related violence, a masked marauder in Illinois held up another man at machete-point and demanded the poor chap's tacos. Admit it -- if you'd have had a machete you would have done the same thing!

Elgin Deputy Police Chief Jeff Swoboda says a local resident was walking back to his vehicle Sunday night after buying 16 tacos for $41 when a man wearing a black ski mask and a hooded sweat shirt ran up to him.

Swoboda says the masked man waved a machete and took the tacos, but nothing else. He then drove off in an older-model light green car.

Wait a minute -- $41 for 16 tacos? Those must be some good-ass tacos! Say, this gives me an idea. *rummaging through closet for ninja-sword* Ow, shit! Shit shit shit shit shit. Cut myself.

Machete-wielding man steals tacos [abcnews]

Thanks to Annie, who won't cut anyone for anything less than a burrito. *phew*

Sep 3 2009 How To Rob An Apple Store In 31 Seconds

Just like this. IN 31 seconds the thieves made off with 23 Macbook Pro's, 14 iPhones and 9 iPod Touch. Wow. And did anybody else find it annoying how the reporter was speaking during the video? "Watch again as the thieves show skilled practice at bringing down that plate glass door. And savvy enough to wear masks knowing there would be surveillance cameras ALL OVER THE PLACE." Skilled practice, really? THEY THREW A BRICK THROUGH A GLASS DOOR. "Savvy enough to wear masks"? Jesus, it's not like they trained pigeons to rob the store, they tied bandannas around their faces and this guy thinks they're criminal masterminds.

How to Rob an Apple Store [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Greg, Gino, Sarah and The Superficial Writer, who could have done it in 29 seconds AND snagged a couple iPhone cases.

Jul 31 2009 Robotic Moles To Deliver Goods Underground

An army of little robots that travel through a city's existing sewer lines delivering packages of death to unsuspecting recipients. That sounds wonderful.

The brainchild of designer Phillip Hermes, the Urban Mole is a capsule that travels through existing networks of underground pipes in order to transport packages as diverse as groceries, signed documents and any title that appears on Oprah's Book Club.

According to VisionWorks, "The pipe system is structured like a road network - the more traffic, the bigger the pipe." Electric rails within the pipes provide juice for the Mole's motors in a system that works like a miniature subway. Still more pipes run from drop-off points to delivery centers called MoleStations...where customers can retrieve their items locally. The designer estimates that the average cross-town delivery could take place in less than ten minutes.

Interesting, but it'll never work. Mainly because you and I are gonna sit down there with night vision goggles and crowbars and bash every single one of these things open waiting for a shipment of diamonds. Then, we'll order pizza and party with the ninja turtles. COWABUNGA!

Hit the jump for a coupe more shots of the conceptual couriers.

Continue Reading " Robotic Moles To Deliver Goods Underground "

Apr 6 2009 Thief Uses Head As Battering Ram, Fails

A would-be thief tried to use his head as a battering ram to bust open the back door of a home in St Petersburg, Florida. He failed miserably. But I loved how he got down like a bull before charging the door, I thought that was a nice touch. Just chalk it up as a learning experience, buddy. One about God not compensating for lacking brainpower with a reinforced skull and spine.

Nutty robber uses his head [thesun]

Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne, who once laid siege to an entire castle wearing a bicycle helmet.

Apr 3 2009 Angry Villagers Chase Off Street View Car

A group of angry villagers in Broughton, England chased off a Google Street View car because they feared an invasion of privacy and increased crime in the area.

"I was upstairs when I spotted the camera car driving down the lane," resident Paul Jacobs told The Times of London. "My immediate reaction was anger: How dare anyone take a photograph of my home without my consent? I ran outside to flag the car down and told the driver he was not only invading our privacy but also facilitating crime.

"This is an affluent area. We've already had three burglaries locally in the past six weeks. If our houses are plastered all over Google it's an invitation for more criminals to strike. I was determined to make a stand, so I called the police."

Just to be fair, I broke into Mr. Jacob's home and stole his valuables and last bowl of cereal just to prove that, even without Street View, The Geekologie Writer will still rob you blind. But seriously, Paul, if you could pick up some more Raisin Nut Bran, that would be awesome.

Gang of villagers chase away Google car [cnn]

Thanks to Brad, who once chased a Google Street View car six blocks before he realized it was a pizza delivery guy.

Apr 2 2009 Today's Awesome Failure Award Goes To....

Well, actually, it's a tie. First, a liquor store robber who probably had his mommy drive him there while he finished his juice box.

Police say a 19-year-old who tried to rob a liquor store sat down and cried after 76-year-old owner locked him in the store. The man was accused of trying to rob Sykes Liquor Store in Trenton Monday night. Police said the owner, who was behind the counter, triggered the lock after the man grabbed a bottle of Hennessy cognac and bolted for the door.

The man then allegedly pulled out a handgun and demanded to be released. But the owner said he saw that the gun was a fake, refused to unlock the door and called police.

Police said the suspect threw away the gun, slumped to the floor and was crying when officers arrived to arrest him.

Wow, that is both sad and awesome at the same time. Kind of like the first time I had sex, but without the -- oh wait, he was crying. Yep, exactly like that then. Next, an idiotic failure at life who called 911 after "locking" herself in her car.

A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana.

"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said. "Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."

The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door. The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."

Can we please get that woman's license revoked? And also, oxygen supply. If only she hadn't gotten reception....damn you, Verizon network!

Man cries after attempt to rob liquor store fails [yahoonews]
and
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Joemo and Jason, who have never cried because when they feel a tear coming they just punch themselves in the eye until it goes away.