Oct 11 2009 Speak For Yourself: Scientists Claim We Would Never Survive A Zombie Apocalypse

According to a couple of Canadian researchers, the human race could never weather a zombie uprising. Pfft, speak for yourselves, Canucks -- I'M A SURVIVOR!

Based on models of rampant infectious diseases, say researchers, civilization would be doomed if we were ever attacked by zombies.

If society were ever attacked by zombies, we would probably be doomed, and quickly. That was the conclusion of two university researchers in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models hypothesizing zombie attacks as infectious diseases with the well-known characteristics of zombie biology from popular fiction. In fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more threatening than virulent diseases because they can regenerate (unless decapitated or incinerated, of course). More troubling was the researchers' presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older movies, but in recent fiction, they're super-quick, making them nearly invincible.

Oh man, as much as I do respect a couple of Canadians with calculators plugging away at a mathematical model they created using the info they gathered from Shawn of the Dead and Zombieland, this is one blogger who isn't succumbing to the zombie apocalypse. Robot, sure, but not zombies.

News of the Weird: Based on models of rampant infectious diseases, say researchers, civilization would be doomed if we were ever attacked by zombies [yahoonews]

Thanks to Gideon, who isn't going out in any sort of apocalypse. Except perhaps a sexpocalypse. Just kidding!

Oct 5 2009 For The Apocalypse: Bra Turns To Gas Masks

Doctor Elena Bodner won this year's Ig Noble Prize for Public Health with a bra designed to turn into two functional gas masks should the need arise (and why wouldn't it?).

The aim of the awards is to honour achievements that "first make people laugh and then make them think".

The Ig Nobel Prizes were presented to the winners by genuine Nobel laureates.

Past winners also returned to take part in the celebrations. They included Kees Moeliker, the discoverer of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard duck, and Dr Francis Fesmire, who devised the digital rectal massage as cure for intractable hiccups.

Wow, what an elite group. You've got to admit though, a gas mask bra is pretty clever. Granted, not as clever as the gas mask underwear I just invented, but you act like you've never seen a guy with worn panties on his face before. THIS IS NORMAL IN JAPAN!

Hit the jump for the worthwhile complete list of winners.

Continue Reading " For The Apocalypse: Bra Turns To Gas Masks "

Jun 5 2009 Finally, I Can Sleep At Night: Researchers Develop Algorithms To Mimic Water Sounds

The watery sounds you hear in this video were all made using algorithms developed by researchers at Cornell, because, honestly, curing diseases can wait.

Doug James and Changxi Zheng, researchers at Cornell University, have developed a way to simulate the sounds of flowing or dripping water, which in real life are produced by tiny air bubbles that compress and expand due to surface tension, creating sound waves in the water.

So by using the geometry of a 3D scene, the Harmonic Fluids algorithm they developed can calculate where the air bubbles would have been created in real life and how they would have moved, which allows realistic accompanying sounds to be generated.

Now don't get me wrong, that's neat as hell, I just wish they would have made their research a little more useful in the real world. Like, I dunno, developing an algorithm to mimic the mating calls of prehistoric dinosaurs. Am I right? If we're not gonna cure cancer I should at least get laid.

Cornell Researchers Develop Algorithms To Simulate The Sounds Of Fluids [ohgizmo]

May 28 2009 Okay?: Another Day, Another Glowing Animal

Well scientists have already created glowing dogs and cats, so it was only a matter of time before somebody did a monkey. Nice, guy, thanks for the AIDS.

Though primates that make a glowing protein have been created before, these are the first to keep the change in their bloodlines.

Although the work demonstrates the principle that a gene can be introduced into a primate bloodline, study co-author Hideyuki Okano of the Keio University School of Medicine said it may not be suitable for studying all diseases.

That limitation is about 10,000 bases, or letters, of the genetic code. That upper bound will constrain the diseases that can be studied.

Great, so we've got more glowing animals with the promise of help curing disease. Well hurry up and cure one already! I'm starting to think these "scientists" are just making glowing pets to bring home to their daughters. Which, I think we can all agree, is despicable (glowing dinosaur, pronto). You can't hide from me, little Anchisaur!

Glowing monkeys 'to aid research' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Matt, who, LOOK BEHIND YOU - A THREE HEADED MONKEY! (swish)

Apr 1 2009 A Sneak Peek Into QualComm's R&D Dept

This is a rare sneak-peek into Qualcomm's normally top-secret R&D Department. I thought it was both informative and awesome, especially the bit at the end with the junior engineer. After watching, I think we can all agree that Qualcomm is, in fact, the future of wireless communications. And what a bright future it is. CAW CAW!

Official Site
and
Youtube

Thanks to jaime, Jennie and Jeff, who have been breeding leopardhawks for years.

Mar 24 2009 British Scientists Producing Synthetic Blood

Apparently British scientists are ahead of everyone else in the race to produce a synthetic blood supply using stem cells. Go you, Britain, here's a teacake.

Because stem cells multiply indefinitely, it would be possible to enormous quantities, researchers said.

The cells can be made from universal donor embryos - the O-negative type - and can be guaranteed to be free of infections because they have never been inside a human.

The idea of destroying embryos to create stem cells raises ethical issues, but in theory, just one embryo could meet the nation's needs.

Stem cells aside, I think the real issue is this: if synthetic blood is so readily available, how are we going to track the vampire population? I've seen Blade, those bastards are crafty. I suggest we start culling the herd now before it's too late. And speaking of culling -- I'll take care of Edward, you get the rest.

British scientists on course to become the first to produce synthetic human blood [dailymail]

Thanks to phuzzygish, who one made some pretty believable synthetic blood with corn syrup and food coloring.

Mar 20 2009 Okay: Robo-Fish To Detect Ocean Pollution

This robotic fish, which looks like it was made out of precious jewels, isn't, but was actually created to detect pollutants in the earth's oceans.

The 1.5 meter long robotic fish each requires about $30,000 to make. Their purpose is to head out into the open water, take in data about water pollutants, return to a charging station about every 8 hours and while charging, submit data about water quality.

The issues with this first batch of fish is pretty clear - they're way too expensive to be made in numbers big enough to be very helpful; their charge lasts just 8 hours so they aren't able to have a very large range away from their charging stations; they run a pretty good risk of getting a bite taken out of them.

$30,000? Jesus. For half the cost of a single fish I'll rent a paddle boat and troll the underwater sensors myself. I swear, these idiotic scientists think a robot is the solution to every freaking problem. Which leads me to my next question -- how much do you think a robotic fish would fetch on eBay? Wow, really? Grab your tacklebox and meet me by the dinghy!

Video of the very life-like swimming fish after the jump.

Continue Reading " Okay: Robo-Fish To Detect Ocean Pollution "

Mar 10 2009 Obama Reverses Stem Cell Research Policy

Obama, in a pow-pow-power move, signed an executive order (I need a pad of those) yesterday that has " cleared the way for a significant increase in federal dollars for embryonic stem cell research". Now I don't even know what that means, but I do want to clone my dog. And also, grow a tail.

"Medical miracles do not happen simply by accident," Obama declared.

Obama signed the executive order on the divisive stem cell issue and a memo addressing what he called scientific integrity before an East Room audience packed with scientists. He laced his remarks with several jabs at the way science was handled by former President George W. Bush.

"Promoting science isn't just about providing resources, it is also about protecting free and open inquiry," Obama said. "It is about letting scientists like those here today do their jobs, free from manipulation or coercion, and listening to what they tell us, even when it's inconvenient especially when it's inconvenient. It is about ensuring that scientific data is never distorted or concealed to serve a political agenda and that we make scientific decisions based on facts, not ideology."

Well rooty tooty, fresh and fruity! Maybe scientists will finally be able to unlock the secret of my seductive pheromones. Here -- lick my armpit. You taste that? It's called gin, and I sweat it. You ever made love to a man that smells like a pine tree? It's coniferous.

Obama reverses Bush-era stem cell policy [msnbc]

Thanks to Ryan, who is a huge proponent of both twig and branch cell research.

Nov 12 2008 Finally, Some Research I Can Get Behind -- And Drink!: Students Aim To Help Prevent Cancer With Delicious, Refreshing Beer

Students at Rice University are using genetic engineering to develop a beer that contains resveratrol and may help prevent cancer.

BioBeer, as it's called, has three genes spliced into special brewer's yeast that produce resveratrol, the chemical in red wine that is thought to protect against diabetes, cancer, Alzheimer's and other age-related conditions.

The only problem, from the students' perspective, is that many of them aren't old enough to legally consume their creation.

Ha -- too young to drink! Maybe you could ask some seniors to go buy you a six-pack of Zima. Just kidding. But yes, that's a picture of my brother and I playing 24-hands a couple weekends ago. We would have played with 40's but my brother (on the left) weighs 135 pounds and 80 ounces of malt liquor would probably kill him. So, yeah, next time. But cheers to being cancer free! And also, somebody help get this tape off my hands.

'Bio-Beer' Designed to Extend Life [discovery]

Thanks to Phil and Pat, who actually play keg hands because they're that hardcore.

Oct 23 2008 Cool!: The World's Smallest Writing

Japanese scientists have written the world's smallest letters using only a handful of atoms.

a research team at Osaka University has "written" the letters "Si" using an atomic pen that interchanges silicon and tin atoms, enabling those who have the time, resources, and patience to manipulate said atoms one by one. The results are a diminutive 2 x 2 nm (or 40,000 times smaller than a strand of hair) which took about an hour and a half to complete.

That's impressive and all, but I once had an Asian lady write my whole name on a grain of rice at the mall. Suck on that one, scientists!

Atomic pen achieves invisible victory [engadget]

Thanks to mkaggie, who can actually write with individual electrons.

Oct 22 2008 Coffee May Shrink Breasts, Prevent Cancer

In a recent study by Sweden's Lund University, researcher found that about half of the women participating had a gene that links breast size and coffee consumption.

Healthy, premenopausal women with the gene who drink three or more cups of coffee a day have smaller breasts. Those women also have a lower risk of breast cancer.

I'm all for cancer-free breasts, so if coffee (and smaller breasts) is the way to go, so be it. I like all breasts equally anyways. Ha, except for yours, Superficial Writer. Yeah, solid B's, now stop rubbing them on my monitor.

Coffee Can Shrink Breasts, Study Finds [aolnews]

Thanks to Dan, who is now boycotting Starbucks.

Oct 21 2008 PS3's Little Big Planet Delayed For Song

If you haven't already heard, Little Big Planet, the much anticipated PS3 game about strangely erotic sock puppets, has been pushed back a week. Why? Because one of the songs in the game features two verses from the Qur'an.

The music in question is "Tapha Niang" a song performed by Malian musician Toumani Diabate, Sony said.

"One of the background music tracks that was licensed from a record label for use in the game contains two expressions that can be found in the Qur'an," the company said in a statement. "We have taken immediate action to rectify this and we sincerely apologize for any offense this may have caused."

Sony, maybe you should have done your research before stuffing offensive songs into your video games, you stupid idiots. Haha, no, I'm not just saying that because you didn't use the track I sent you. Although you should have, that shit was solid gold! At least brass. Brassy. Tin. Solid tin.

Sony delays videogame over offensive music [yahoonews]

Thanks to JoShmoe, whose balls have been mistaken for little big planets. True story.

Oct 14 2008 Blacker Than Black: The Darkest Material

Researchers have recently made a material so dark it absorbs 99.9% of light, the closest yet to a "pure" black.

The substance has a total reflective index of 0.045 percent -- which is more than three times darker than the nickel-phosphorous alloy that now holds the record as the world's darkest material.

Basic black paint, by comparison, has a reflective index of 5 percent to 10 percent.

Ninjas and emos rejoice!

New material pushes the boundary of blackness [reuters]

Thanks to bob, who wrote the joke so I didn't have to. Check's in the mail!

Sep 18 2008 'Toilet Paper Researchers' Develop 3-Ply TP

First of all, what in the hell is a 'toilet paper researcher', and how do I become one? Secondly, this is ridiculous. I've been wiping with the comics for years, and let me tell you -- you could probably read Garfield on my buttcheeks.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Hey, I'm not 45+ or female, but I'm all for a "sanctuary of quality time". I spend countless hours in my cozy fortress of solitude. It even has a bidet. I've been using it for a couple months and, honest to God, I haven't gotten a single cavity. Yay fluoride!

Toilet-Paper Researchers Create 3-Ply Tissue [livescience]
via
"Toilet Paper Researchers" Create 3-Ply Tissue [gizmodo]

Thanks to Emma, who, in the world of comfy toilet paper, would be like 12-ply

Aug 13 2008 Uh-Oh: Robot Controlled By Rat Brain Cells

Some idiotic scientists at Reading University have developed a robot that is controlled by rat brain cells. Run for your life!

The neurons are now being taught to steer the robot around obstacles and avoid the walls of the small pen in which it is kept. By studying what happens to the neurons as they learn its creators hope to reveal how memories are laid down.

As the cells are living tissue, they are kept separate from the robot in a temperature-controlled cabinet in a container pitted with electrodes. Signals are passed to and from the robot via Bluetooth short-range radio.

The brain cells have been taught how to control the robot's movements so it can steer round obstacles and the next step, say its creators, is to get it to recognize its surroundings.

Apparently they then plan to disrupt the memories in an attempt to recreate Alzheimer's and Parkinson's like conditions. Now I'm all for the better understanding and curing of disease, but please, for the love of the human race, please be careful you crazy assholes! One time my mom found a rat in the basement and it was my job to try to beat it to death with a broom. You know what it did? The little f***er bit me. Now if he had been controlling a BigDog, I'd have been a goner. Just saying, have you ever seen The Matrix? I haven't, is it worth renting?

Hit the jump for a short video of the rat-brained robot in action.

Continue Reading " Uh-Oh: Robot Controlled By Rat Brain Cells "

Mar 28 2008 NASA Testing Lunar Chariot Vehicle For Moon, I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead On It

This is NASA's Lunar Chariot, a six wheeled, all-wheel-drive, all-wheel-steering vehicle for the moon mission scheduled in 2020. It will be used to bulldoze roads, dig trenches, and drill for minerals on the moon thanks to its numerous attachments. Now I find this fascinating and all, and you know I love outerspace as much as the next boy-astronaut, but I still have one problem -- it's fugly as hell. It looks like a mechanical crab with wheels.

Aliens exist. And since the moon is a logical place for visiting aliens to stop for a cold drink, snacks, and to use the pisser before hitting earth, we should make the best impression possible. Now what if they come and see this goofy bastard lumbering around? They're going to laugh at us. Get with it NASA! I'll be damned if I miss my opportunity to score sweet alien poon because you were too cheap to make a cooler looking moon vehicle.

Video of the testing after the jump.

Continue Reading " NASA Testing Lunar Chariot Vehicle For Moon, I Wouldn't Be Caught Dead On It "

Mar 13 2008 Scientists Build Coilgun That Stops "Bullets"

Scientists at the University of Texas-Austin have developed a coilgun that can allegedly stop projectiles in mid-air. The coilgun works in the opposite manner of a typical coilgun -- this one slowing down projectiles as opposed to speeding them up. Unfortunately (and I know you will all hate me for this) the "bullets" used in the tests are atom and molecule sized. Not .38s or 9mms or anything like that. But still, it's a step.

The coilgun consists of 64 hand-made units (about $25 each) and is powered by its own capacitor. Here's how it works: The researchers trap particles from the air, store them in a tiny chamber, and release them in the direction of the gun. When a particle reaches the gun and encounters the coils, each coil's magnetic field progressively slows the particle down without touching it. The coilgun brought atoms and molecules traveling at 500 meters per second (1,118 mph) to a complete stop.

Yeah, a lot less exciting than I made it out to be. I apologize. I mean, they already have things that can stop bullets. It's called me. Well, to be fair I haven't actually stopped any bullets. I'd like to think my vital organs slowed them down a bit though. Anyway, the eventual goal of this coilgun project is to weigh neutrinos, which, if I had to guess, are particles that don't want to get involved in the fight between positrinos and negatrinos. But what do I know? I'm no scientist. I'm just a guy who sneaks into the physics lab to heat my coffee with a laser.

Magnetic Gun Stops Teen Bullets Mid-Air [discoverynews]

Thanks to Michelle, who is aw-aw-AWESOME, for the tip