Nov 20 2009 Wow, Video Game Religion -- Mass: We Pray
Mass We Pray is a video game to get that Holy Spirit all up in your system and have fun with the whole family at the same time. With fun interactive mini-games like 'Conduct the Choir' and 'Genuflecting', you're sure to make Jesus proud (who's ALWAYS watching, BTW). Looks fun, doesn't it? That said, this is viral advertising for Dante's Inferno dropping in February. But I want to see how many people didn't bother reading this far and think it's real and then make comments about it. Because you know there's gonna be some. Then they're gonna wish they could delete their comments but they won't be able to and we'll all laugh and call them names! Trust me, its WJWD.
Thanks to mensa, Nicole, MoD and daniel, who are praying all the theaters showing New Moon spontaneously combust.
Nov 18 2009 You're Gonna Burn In Hell!: Dino Car Decal
Listen, I'm not here to tell you to follow Jesus or smoke buddha or whatever, I'm just here to report the things I see and maybe make a couple drug connections in the process. And this is a 'dinosaur eating the Jesus fish' car decal. Love it or hate it, you've got to admit it's the first time you've ever seen a t-rex holding something with its little arms. And THAT, my friends, is biblical.
Product Site
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Thanks to Logisticz and martyn, who are pissed dinosaurs didn't make it onto the ark. Me too guys, me too.
Oct 19 2009 South America + Africa = Tyrannosaurus Rex
Proof that God loves dinosaurs, when South America is superimposed over Africa, it forms a Tyrannosaurus Rex head. Now don't take this lightly -- several people died getting this information out, as the Catholic Church has been trying to keep this from us for centuries. Suck it, Dan Brown, I own you!
Thanks to b00m, who found out if you superimpose me on top of a dinosaur you get a picture of me having sex with a dinosaur. Cool!
Oct 8 2009 Raptor Jesus Went Extinct For Your Sins
First of all, we're not going there. I just thought this would be a good time to open up a discussion about what sort of dinosaur mount you think Jesus will ride into battle against the robots. My guess is a supersweet t-rex/raptor hybrid God made just for him. That can fly. Oooh -- and breath fire. Okay, basically a dragon. Puuuuuuuff!
Image [bme]
Thanks to tripcreator, who may or may not be a travel agent.
Oct 5 2009 Wait, What?: Fake Virginity Kits For Sale
I don't even know what to say, except this makes me sad about the women in the world who are stoned and fed to dragons if they're not virgins when they're married. And you thought I was a heartless asshole.
No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.
Wow, did I really just read that? Because now I don't feel so good. The $30 kit ships from China and I suspect is manufactured using recycled condoms. Plus, I don't even know what. [Insert something here while I cry and puke at the same time]
Thanks to Michael and The webcam in your monocle, who can't tell the difference between a virgin and a hole in the wall. Literally, no idea.
Sep 19 2009 Religious Persecution!: Jedi Tossed Out Of Supermarket For Refusing To Remove Hood
Co-founder of the International Church of Jediism, Master Morda Hehol (Daniel Jones, seen above, left), was kicked out of a North Wales supermarket after refusing to remove his super-sweet Jedi hood. He is considering legal action (I would have just Force-choked the assistant manager).
"I told them it was a requirement of my religion but they just sniggered and ordered me to leave. I walked past a Muslim lady in a veil. Surely the same rules should apply to everyone. It was discrimination. I was really upset. Nobody should be treated like that. I'll advise worshippers to boycott Tesco if it happens again. They will feel the Force."
The jediholocronhandbook clearly states that "Jedis must wear a hood up in any public place of a large audience."A Tesco spokeswoman said:
"Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all went hoodless without going to the Dark Side. If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."
Really? You're gonna miss out on special offers? THAT'S the justification you're gonna use for not allowing patrons to wear hoods? Oh, this just in: Tesco security beats the shit out of a blind man.
Jedi tossed out of supermarket for wearing hood [inquisitr]
Thanks to em. MONSTER and Alexis, who only wear their Jedi hoods in the bedroom. YOW YOW!
Sep 19 2009 Holy: Farmer Grows Buddah Shaped Pears
In this week's "growing things that look like other things" news, a Chinese farmer has learned how to grow Buddah shaped pears. But are they sacrilegious to eat?
Hao Xianzhang, a local famer, spent six years to perfect the process by growing the pears inside moulds, local media reported. The pears cost around 50 yuan (7.32 USD) each.
Pfft, that's nothing. One time I grew an apple that looked like I cut a hole in it and smoked weed out of it. BECAUSE I DID. Who has the green thumb now, bitches?!
Hit the jump for two more shots of the holy fruit.
Aug 31 2009 I've Seen It All Now: A 2:30 News Report About A Broom That Stands On Its Own
This is a two and a half minute news report from Alabama about a woman who thinks there's "a little holy spirit" in her new consignment shop because she can stand a broom up unsupported in three separate locations. I watched the whole thing but I highly recommend you not unless you really hate yourself or are into masochism (I am). Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I had a woman stomp around on my chest with golf cleats on and then hit balls off my nipples? Of course not, cause it's none of your business. Fore!
Hit the jump for an equally horrible (but MUST SEE) news report about a bear in some woman's backyard, complete with cardboard cutout reenactment.
Continue Reading " I've Seen It All Now: A 2:30 News Report About A Broom That Stands On Its Own "
Jun 4 2009 Wackjobs Protest EA At E3 Convention
A bunch of protesters were out holding signs against Electronic Arts during the E3 convention because, hey, fundamentalists get bored too, you know. And apparently they don't play video games.
It seems that gaming giant EA, (that's Electronic Anti-Christ for those of you church folk) has angered the religious denizens of LA with its sinfully spectacular title, Dante's Inferno. The 'Go to Hell' tagline seems to the main focus of debate, with angry protesters warning ignorant gamers to steer clear of the title, regarding it as 'tainted' and 'evil.'
"We are on a crusade to stop the blasphemous glorification of HELL and its minions as presented by Dante's Inferno. The ever decaying youth and slovenly adults who engage with Dante's Inferno are a victim of our society's pointless need to flirt with Satan and his lustful campaign to corrupt human souls...We say NO. We say inferNO."
First of all, "blasphemous glorification of hell", really? This isn't Sims: Hell, it's Dante's Inferno. You battle wicked beasts and shit. I can pretty much guarantee nobody is gonna walk away from this game thinking, "you know, hell looks like an alright place". YOU HAVE TO WALK AROUND WITH LIT CHARCOALS IN YOUR ASS. That is not blasphemous glorification. That is burny-ous constipation. Secondly, I don't flirt with Satan no matter how drunk I get. Or how much fiery vaginas he promises.
UPDATE: FAKE! EA viral marketing. Still not buying the game!
Hit the jump for a pretty bitchin' "Trade in your Playstation for a Praystation" sign.
Apr 27 2009 It's Scientific: Bacon Cures Hangovers
In a study that surprises nobody who's woken up still Tyrannosaurus Wrecked from the night before in a puddle of someone else's urine and eaten the breakfast of gods, scientists have discovered bacon really does cure a hangover.
"Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good."
"Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head."Researchers also found a complex chemical interaction in the cooking of bacon produces the winning combination of taste and smell which is almost irresistible.
As a matter of fact, I remember reading somewhere in the Bible that the Apostles would all fry camel (a close relative of the pig, don't bother looking this up) after a night of boozing. So, yeah -- bacon: it's what Jesus would do.
Also, that's me in the picture.
Bacon sandwich really does cure a hangover [telegraph]
Thanks to The Baconator, Kevin, Rick, Cam, Duffman, Jonathan and Barry, who know the best way to cure a hangover is to start drinking again.
Apr 20 2009 HOLY NOMs!: Jesus Appears In Kit Kat Bar
On Good Friday (OLD, LATE, BLOW ME GW!) Jesus revealed himself in the form of a half-eaten Kit Kat bar. Because, well, the son of God hates Twix. As you can see in those deliciously crispy layers, the Lord's face looks eerily similar to that on the shroud of Turin (Sunday school, son, TA-DOW!). However, the divine bar is not without it's hell-burning naysayers.
Other witnesses were less impressed. "It looks more like Darth Vader," said one.
Really -- Darth Vader? Now why on earth would Darth Vader appear in a damn Kit Kat bar? The man only likes dark chocolate. Get it, because of The Dark Side? I don't either. No, you're the Nutter Butter!
Sweet Jesus, his face is in a choc [thesun]
Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne and ash, who both agree they should replace communion wafers with Kit Kats.
Apr 17 2009 Scotland Police Department Heavy On Jedis
Strathclyde Police, Scotland's largest police force, says eight of its officers (and two of its civilian staff) listed Jedi as their official religion on voluntary diversity forms, making them the least feared police force ever.
The details were obtained in a Freedom of Information request by Jane's Police Review.
About 390,000 people listed their religion as Jedi in the 2001 Census for England and Wales. In Scotland the figure was a reported 14,000.The Office for National Statistics did not recognise it as a separate category, and incorporated followers of Jedi with atheists.
Wow, do you think the officers mod their billy clubs to look like lightsabers? Because that would be awesome. And by awesome I mean incredibly sad.
Force is strong for Jedi police [bbcnews]
Thanks to Thumperchica, debaser, Liz, Lee, Patrick and Annie, who once Force-choked a thief till he turned to the Dark Side (blacked out).
Apr 13 2009 Biblical: And The Lord Said, "Go Forth And Build Me With Modular Plastic Blocks"
Parishioners at a Protestant church in Vasteras, Sweden, kicked off Easter yesterday with the unveiling of a 6-foot tall, 30,000 piece LEGO Jesus. *eyeballing own 6", 18-piece LEGO Jesus* Nice, guys, way to 1-up me.
It took the 40 volunteers about 18 months to put all the tiny plastic blocks together, and their creation shows a standing Jesus facing forward with his arms outstretched.
Church spokesman Per Wilder said the statue at the Onsta Gryta church in the central Swedish city of Vasteras is a copy of Danish sculptor Bertel Thorvaldsen's "Christus" statue on display in Copenhagen.
LEGO Jesuses, now THAT'S what Easter is all about. Am I right? Well, besides dying eggs and projectile vomiting the chocolate bunny from your Easter basket. *HOOOORF* I think I see his ear!
Parishioners create Christ statue from Legos [dispatch]
Thanks to Jeremy and Meema, who had a Peep-eating contest and both lost.
Apr 10 2009 Anything Can Happen: Stripper Turns Nun
Anna Nobili is a 38-year old stripper veteran who has been dancing the lap for 20 years all across Europe. But not anymore! She has seen the light, and now only dances for Jesus. I'd tithe her.
Sister Anna, originally from Milan, says she was 'inspired' during a visit to the shrine of St Francis in Assisi. Deciding she wanted more out of life, Miss Nobili has joined the the order of the Sister Workers of the Holy House of Nazareth.
"I was throwing away my life dancing for men. I was being used as a drug by people who wanted to see me dance."Next week she will be in Rome to perform a ballet called Holy Dance, dedicated to episodes from the Bible, for senior cardinals and bishops.
I apologize if you already watched the video, I meant to warn you it makes no sense, features no quality strip-club action, and only briefly shows Anna doing her new dance for God (around 2:45). The rest is an interview in Italian that I couldn't understand. Still, for 38, she's not the worst looking stripper I've ever seen. Fun fact: they let the dancers perform pregnant in West Virginia. It's true. And I can say that because I was born there. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M WILD AND WONDERFUL, BITCHES, WHAT?!
Sister Anna dances for God after 20 years as a lapdancer [couriermail]
Thanks to Julian, who allegedly saw an arm pop out during a lap dance and *HORF HORF HORF HORF HORF* I can't believe I just wrote that.
Apr 9 2009 Time Appropriate: A Gallery Of Last Suppers
Just in time for Easter comes a gallery of last suppers, many of which with a geek twist to them. I posted a few of my favorites after the jump (including Popeye and Battlestar Galactica) but Popped Culture has 101 of them, so be sure to hit their link and see them all (in HQ to boot). And, speaking of last suppers: a small salad and two pieces of reheated pizza. Ha, I kid: two fifths of gin and a whole bear steak. Raw. It's an aphrodisiac you know. Like tiger penis, but boneless.
PUSH HIT IT REAL GOOD FOR THE REST.
Continue Reading " Time Appropriate: A Gallery Of Last Suppers "
Feb 6 2009 Google Maps Spots God, God Loves Hugs
This is a Google Street View of what is undeniably God reaching out to give a cornfield and 2320 600th Avenue, Hartsburg, Illinois a big, loving hug. Beautiful, God. Now not to criticize or anything, but you want to join me at the gym tonight? I'm doing arms.
God Caught on Google Street View Giving the World a Hug [gizmodo]
Jan 28 2009 Not Again!: Another Kid's Toy Promoting Islam
Remember the story about the children's doll that allegedly says "Islam is the light"? Well now there's a Nintendo DS game that says the same thing, thankfully discovered by BY THE SAME IDIOT THAT COMPLAINED ABOUT THE DOLL.
Months ago, Rachel Jones was shocked to discover her 4-year-old's baby doll seemed to have a hidden message: Islam is the light.
Imagine her surprise when a game for her 8-year-old daughter's Nintendo DS had the same message. Jones said she's angry this is the second toy she's had to take from her children."Not just my daughters' toys, but we have a son too," said Jones. "Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they're not saying it."
Well, I don't know what to tell you, Rachel. Except stop procreating. Also, your fifteen minutes of local-news fame were up last year, let somebody else have a turn. Like the kid that got a cherry pit stuck up his nose, that's something.
Video game plays strange message? [wpri]
Thanks to Mark, whose Teddy Ruxpin doll promoted Wicca.
Jan 6 2009 Darth Vader Joins Church, Church Not Happy
In this video, somebody awesome dressed up as Darth Vader and joined the procession of the Clergy of the Lutheran Church of Iceland. You can see a couple of the members none too happy about Darth's appearance around the 0:15 mark. Sadly, they were powerless to do anything. Which proves my theory -- even God is a little wary of Vader's force-choke.
Hit the jump for another video from failblog of a highly unethical pizza delivery driver.
Continue Reading " Darth Vader Joins Church, Church Not Happy "
Dec 4 2008 Terrorist LEGO Minifigs Stir Controversy
I can't say that I'm surprised, but apparently people are taking offense to LEGO minifigs that have been modded (by BrickArms) to resemble terrorists and Nazis.
Mohammed Shaffiq of Muslim organisation The Ramadhan Foundation told The Sun the figures were 'absolutely disgusting'. He said: 'It is glorifying terrorism - the makers should be ashamed. We should be coming together to unite against terrorism but how is that possible when children are playing with toys like this?'
Last night the business's founder Will Chapman said: 'It's not my intention to glorify terrorism or Nazis - but kids love the bad guys. He added: 'I can see why people might get offended but that is not what I'm trying to do. We have sold thousands and thousands of them.'
He later added: 'CHA-CHING!'
When reached for comment, the Geekologie Writer had this to say about the figures: 'Finally, terrorists versus Nazis! PEW PEW.'
Hit the jump for a few more of the offensive minifigs.
Continue Reading " Terrorist LEGO Minifigs Stir Controversy "
Nov 21 2008 God's Facebook: Genesis Edition
This is God's Facebook page from the time of Genesis. Unfortunately, I only have screenshots of it because the dude won't accept my friendship request. You sell your soul to the devil for a blogging job ONE TIME....
Hit it for the rest, which I thought was pretty clever.
