Sep 22 2009 Idiot Moron Uses 600K Text Messages/Month
Some idiot moron, in an effort to become the world's biggest failure at life, used 662,258 text messages on his iPhone in a month. Plus the jerkbag got the 12,301 page itemized bill sent to him, so he doesn't even care about trees. I did the math, and it comes out to sending a text message just about every 4 seconds, all day every day. So I assume there was some sort of automated program involved. Also, a monster douche.
Hit the jump for two videos of the idiot looking at his bill.
Continue Reading " Idiot Moron Uses 600K Text Messages/Month "
Sep 17 2009 I Could Eat It: World's Biggest Hamburger
What could be better after an article about a hideous dead monster than a food-related post? Happy lunching west coasters! Do they sell good falafel out there? I'd appreciate some if they do. Also, ripe avocado.
It's the world's biggest burger/heart-attacker and it comes courtesy of Steve Mallie of Southgate, Michigan. Guinness Book of World Records officially declared it the biggest after the burger weighed in at 185lbs.
Steve, who owns Mallie Sports Grill, said it took them 15 hours total to bake the burger, but it was worth it. Being in Guinness was always one of Steve's dreams. Steve said, ''I've worked my entire life to build this restaurant and being able to have the notoriety of Guinness makes it just that bit more rewarding.''Steve plans to sell the burger at his restaurant for $499.
Who the hell's gonna buy a 200lb, week old hamburger (which, technically, appears to be a cheeseburger) for $500? You know, besides yo momma. BU-BU-BU-BURN! She's so fat she jumped and got stuck. OOOOOOOH, no I di-in't! I just did though is the thing.
KFed Just Came [dlisted]
Sep 2 2009 Record: 13,000 People Dancing To Thriller
13,957 people recently came together in Mexico to dance to Michael Jackson's Thriller and set the world record for worst waste of a hot afternoon. Which, I might note, just beat out the previous record held by yours truly when I didn't drink one scorching afternoon in August.
Thanks to naas, who keeps asking me to call him the Thrilla from Illi(nois) but I refuse.
Aug 28 2009 I Could Do Better: LEGO House Construction
Remember the story about the house in Britain that would be constructed entirely out of LEGO blocks? Well this is it, mid-construction. I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed that it has a wooden infrastructure. I thought the whole damn thing was gonna be LEGO, right down to the john.
This two-story Lego palace, which resides in the middle of a vineyard, sports a working bathroom, and is covered inside and out with bricks pieced together by 272 Legos. Over three million bricks were used to build the Lego pad, so doing some quick math here -- that's over 816 million Lego pieces!
I have no idea whether the math in that quote I used is correct or not, the important thing is that it's Friday and I am putting pants on for the first time this week and getting the hell out of here. Town, prepare to be painted red! With vomit. I like fruity drinks!
This Old House: UK Toy Master Builds House From Legos [geekstir] (with a whole gallery of construction pictures)
Thanks to jessica and Rogefgv, who once built a house of K-Nex but it was blown down by the big bad wolf and then he ate them. The end.
Aug 11 2009 Eh: World's Largest BLT Is Fairly Large
The record for the world's largest BLT (bacon, lettuce and tomato) sandwich was broken over the weekend with a massive baconator that would made even Wilbur proud. But NOT that stupid talking spider. I'm looking at you, Charlotte. WHY'D YOU HAVE TO DIE ON ME?!?
At the fifth annual Tomato Fest in St. Louis, Tom Coghill and 90 volunteers put together a BLT that stretched 179 feet, two inches, breaking the world record for the biggest bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich. They used 500 pounds of bacon, 1,280 pounds of tomatoes, and 100 heads of lettuce.
Eh, I dunno. It looks like they could have made it twice as long if they didn't make it so wide (like me -- lunch ladies?). Also, who cares about making the longest sandwich, I want the record for the tallest one. Because one time I made a peanut butter, banana, honey, graham cracker, marshmallow fluff and chocolate syrup sandwich that reached TO THE MOON. Yeah, unicorns and rainbows helped me eat it and then I found a leprechaun's gold and blew it all on hookers. True story. Except for the hookers, BECAUSE I DON'T PAY FOR SEX. Anymore. Starting after tonight.
Making the World's Longest BLT at Iron Barley, 8.9.09 [riverfronttimes] (with a ton more pictures and information about the build)
via
World Record Bacon Sandwich [neatorama]
Thanks to Eric, who wants to build the world's sexiest sandwich. Piece of cake, Eric: slap yourself between these buns and we'll call it a record. Invite a friend and we can make a club!
Jun 15 2009 Finally, I Can Sleep At Night: New 'People Simultaneously Air Guitaring' Record Set
Music fans at the recent UK Download Festival gathered around an EA booth to celebrate the future release of Brutal Legend and set a new 'people simultaneously playing the same song on air guitar' Guinness World Record. In this case, there were 440 people (beating last year's 318) playing Motörhead's "Ace of Spades".
'That was one of the raddest jams I've ever been involved with. The crowd played their air guitars better than Eddie Van Halen! Then they destroyed 'em good and proper. Who cares, right? They can go to the air guitar shop and get another one. Sick to the infinity of sickness! I want a crowd like that at every gig I'm at. Awesometacular - air guitar world records rule!'
Wow, that might very well be the least raddest quote I've ever been involved with. Besides that one about me experimenting with a robot. WHICH IS A LIE. The video too.
Brutal Legend Fans Set Air Guitar World Record [kotaku]
Thanks to Julian, who has officially set the record for number of Geekologie tips used.
May 29 2009 46-Foot Long Self-Supporting LEGO Bridge
In an attempt to create the world's longest self-supporting LEGO bridge, a group of LEGOphiles in Australia have constructed this 46-foot long behemoth as part of the 2009 Australia Model Railway Expo. Now I'm not suggesting we start building real bridges out of LEGO, but I mean, we definitely should. And, to give you an idea of just how large this thing is, it's 46-feet. That's like ten of my penises laid out. Widthwise. Lad-- no?
Hit the jump for two more shots.
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May 21 2009 Dunlop Sponsored Car Sets Loopty-Loop Record, There's A Loopty-Loop Record?
Dunlop, in a move to prove that their tires won't explode even while upside-down, made a giant loopty-loop and had some tiny car ride through it. Not much more to say, except I could have done two consecutive loops. On fire. While banging a dinosaur. In the backseat.
Loop-the-Loop Dunlop World Record [metro]
Thanks to Andy, who once rode a roller coaster with his hands up the whole time.
May 16 2009 What The World's Smallest Car Looks Like
This is what the world's smallest (but not the lowest) street-legal car looks like. Because this is the world's smallest street-legal car. I don't know if you understand logic, but my argument is infallible. The car, which measures a scant 39" high x 26" wide, is allegedly twice as small as the last record holder.
Car modder Perry Watkins took the frame of the "Postman Pat" children's ride and mounted it on a quad mini-bike, using its 150cc engine. The car features a windshield wiper, lights and signals, mirrors, and even a Pimp My Ride-worthy paint job and fake racing exhaust pipes. The car, christened "The Wind-Up," can hit 40 miles per hour in what we're sure is an incredibly uncomfortable and scary ride.
Good looking, Perry. And you know what they say about guys who drive really small cars don't you? Serious neck and back problems. Kidding, kidding -- monster junk.
Hit the jump for a short video about the build and some driving footage.
Continue Reading " What The World's Smallest Car Looks Like "
Feb 12 2009 Music Video: I Never Thought I'd Be On A Boat
NOTE: Video is clean version but still has lots of bleeping out since every other word is a bad one. Watch at full volume.
This is the latest from The Lonely Island, the SNL crew that made a music album. The song, I'm On A Boat, is about being on a boat. Which *yawn* is nothing special if you're a pirate captain like me. Screw your boat, I'm on a ship, bitches.
I'm on a ship, I'm on a ship, I'm on a pirate shipYou best swab my deck or I'll hook that lip
I got cannons -- I got an anchor too
Come pillage with me on the ocean blue
I'm on a ship, I'm on a ship, I'm on a pirate ship
I gots a wooden leg, bitch, I walk with a limp
We gettin' treasure -- and that booty too
I pop my pistol "YAAAAR!", while I'm aiming at you
And that, my friends, is how it's done. Now where do I sign for the record deal?
Clean Version [youtube]
and
Uncensored Version
Thanks to Jon, who is more than welcome to come sail away with me, Styx style.
Jan 14 2009 26 Years Later, Man Solves Rubik's Cube
It took Graham Parker 26 years to finally solve the Rubik's Cube he bought back in 1983. If you can't tell by the picture, he's really proud of himself. Kind of reminds me of the first time I ate a 72-oz steak and got my picture on the wall.
'I cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally solve it,' the 45-year-old from Portchester, Hampshire, said. 'It has driven me mad over the years - it felt like it had taken over my life.
'I have missed important events to stay in and solve it and I would lie awake at night thinking about it.'I have had wrist and back problems from spending hours on it but it was all worth it. When I clicked that last bit into place and each face was a solid colour, I wept.'
Wow, Graham, so you're a little crybaby, huh? Now I'm not saying there's ever a time when a person should just accept their own mental inadequacies and bail on a project, but damnit Graham, that time was 25½ years ago.
Man takes 26 years to solve Rubik's Cube [metro]
Thanks to Praveen, who can solve a Rubik's in under a minute using either the "hammer" or "new stickers" methods.
Jan 9 2009 Pre & Post Dump Weighing: The Toilet Scale
The Toilet Scale was designed by Haikun Deng so you can weigh yourself while using the john. Personally, I like to sit down while I pee. I'm not sure why I just shared that. Anway, the only problem is you have to make sure your feet aren't touching the ground while it's weighing, or it won't work. So you have to kick your legs out in front of you. Which, let's be honest, we all do anyways. One time I kicked the towel-bar off the wall! This scale is perfect for determining the weight of turds so you can brag to your friends about them later. Wow, a six pounder -- somebody call Guinness! Seriously, I think this warrants a free beer.
Hit the jump for another picture and a little comic of a rabbit sitting on a toilet, in case you've always wanted to see that.
Continue Reading " Pre & Post Dump Weighing: The Toilet Scale "
Dec 2 2008 Happy Something! iPhone Has 10,000 Apps
The iPhone now has over 10,000 apps, and to celebrate, somebody made a mosaic. Not exactly how I celebrate (I get drunk as shit), but a little time in front of Photoshop works too. And speaking of iPhone apps, I have like four. Including, and pretty much limited to: rotary dialer, that maze game with the ball, Facebook, and AIM. And I may or may not have that ocarina app (I do). Oh snap, and the booby one. Maybe I'll get some more.
UPDATE: Okay, I got distracted and didn't get any new apps. Folks -- there is porn ON THE INTERNET!
Nov 10 2008 World's Largest Piñata Sadly Not Filled With Thousands Of Airplane Bottles (BOOO!)
The world's largest piñata was recently constructed and displayed in Philadephia, PA as part of a publicity stunt and commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. "The donkey was 28.5 meters (94′) long, 7.2 meters (24′) wide and 18 (60′) meters tall and fill with 3,628 lbs of candy. (8,000lbs)." Carnival got the crowd riled up by promising to bust the monster ass open with a giant wrecking ball, but never did. Which is pretty freaking disappointing. And you know what else is? That it wasn't filled with cars. Lamest. Fiesta. Ever.
Hit the jump for one more picture.
Nov 3 2008 World's Largest Cruise Ship Being Built
Royal Carribbean is having the world's largest cruise ship built for them, and it's gonna be ready to set sail next November. The Oasis of the Seas is being billed as a traveling city, and will include not one but TWO 24-hour buffets.
The liner will span 16 decks, encompass 220,000 gross registered tons (GRT), carry 5,400 guests and feature 2,700 staterooms.
Almost 1200 feet long, 154 foot wide and rising 213 feet above the water line, the Oasis of the Seas will be able to host 3,000 crew to service every passenger's need.Oasis of the Seas will be the first ship to tout the cruise line's new neighborhood concept of seven distinct themed areas, which include Central Park, Boardwalk, the Royal Promenade, the Pool and Sports Zone, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center, Entertainment Place and Youth Zone.
Remind you of anything? No? I'm talking about the Titanic. Remember that one? It too was touted as the latest and greatest in shipage, and we all know what happened to it. Yep, I think there's a definite lesson to be learned here. "Jack, I'm flying!"
Hit the jump for a bunch more pics, many in stunning rendered detail.
Continue Reading " World's Largest Cruise Ship Being Built "
Jul 2 2008 Kid Breaks Guitar Hero Record, Is 13
Danny Johnson is 13-years old that started playing Guitar Hero a scant 9 months ago. But that hasn't stopped him from putting my skills to shame and snagging the Guinness World Record for highest score on "Through The Fire and Flames". Danny scored 890,971 points in front of a live audience at the Guitar Hero 24 Hour Maraton in Dallas and has allegedly pushed past 950,000 points at home. Danny estimates he's played the song nearly 500 times since first starting the game.
Danny still plays "Guitar Hero" about three hours a day. And even though he holds the world record, he's trying to do even better on "Through the Fire and Flames," trying to beat his high score. That poses plenty of challenge for him -- if not some irritation."I do hate the song," he admits with some reluctance. "It gets annoying a lot."
Three hours a day, huh? I see your three hours Danny, and raise you two more. The record will be mine. Oh yes, the record will be mine. Okay, now's the part where I say something mean about a 13-year old to make myself feel better because I'm jealous that he's better than me. Look away if you still want to have any respect for The Geekologie Writer. You've been warned. Hey Danny, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say the grand prize for the tournament wasn't a girlfriend, was it? Haha, BURN! Wait a minute, I don't have one either. Who's the asshole now, Danny? Yeah, still me.
Hit the jump for a video of the record-breaking performance (filmed on a freaking television), along with one that was made in the comfort of his own home in which he scores over 949,000.
May 30 2008 Battery Powered Robot Climbs Grand Canyon
The Evolta Robot is the mascot for Panasonic's new Evolta batteries. He's cute, has a wonky eye, and can climb.
The company says the new battery cell -- called Evolta, combining "evolution" and "voltage" -- can keep gadgets running 20 percent longer than offerings from rivals Duracell and Energizer.
Guinness World Records certified Evolta as "the longest-lasting AA alkaline battery cell," based on testing under guidelines set by the industry's International Electrotechnical Commission this year.
To prove the long-lastingness of his batteries, the 5-ounce, 7-inch robot climbed a rope dangling in the Grand Canyon for as long as he could. When his batteries finally crapped out, he had climbed 1,740 feet over the span of 6 hours, 46 minutes. I watched the whole thing and I've gotta say -- it was freaking boring.
Battery-Powered Robot Climbs Rope for 7 Hours in Grand Canyon, Sets Guinness World Record [foxnews]
Thanks Shawn and Dan, now one of you yank his batteries, I'm not going anywhere near that deceptively cute deathbot
May 27 2008 Epic Failure: Skydiving Record Attempt
Well folks, I miraculously survived three days of trying to kill myself with the drink (one more miracle and I'm eligible for sainthood). So here I am -- unrested, unshaven, generally unkempt, and ready to post. I hope you all had a good holiday weekend, it's great to see all your bright and shining faces this morning -- I missed you.
So on Sunday 64-year old Michael Fournier was set to break several world records and provide valuable data on what sort of impact damage a dead body can do to the earth with a skydiving jump from 40,000 meters (~25 miles).
Mr. Fournier was hoping to break the record for the fastest and longest free fall, the highest parachute jump and the highest balloon flight. He was planning to jump from a point three-times higher than a commercial jetliner flies. Mr Fournier was to wear a pressurized suit to protect him from the extreme low pressure and temperatures down to -100C. Sophisticated camera equipment was supposed to record key moments of the jump, particularly when he broke the sound barrier at 35,000m.
That's right folks, that crazy mother was gonna reach speeds around 1,000 MPH and break the damn sound barrier! That's one tough grandpa. Mine doesn't do shit but drink gin and sit on the porch carving wooden vaginas. So why didn't he end up making the jump? Was it the weather, a fear of death, or a problem with the pressurized suit? Nope, they forgot to properly attach the freaking balloon to his capsule.
...his helium balloon detached from its capsule as it was being inflated, and drifted away into the sky.
God that's freaking pathetic. Now I've gotten high and tried to beat world records before (namely the number of deviled eggs eaten in two minutes), but never have I failed as epically as that (unless projectile vomiting deviled eggs counts, which it doesn't). So what can we all learn from this? That Fournier's loose balloon (lower right) looks like a giant floating prophylactic. And I think we can all agree that's a valuable life lesson.
Jump record fails to take flight [bbcnews]
May 6 2008 Tallest LEGO Tower Is Pretty Tall, But Wired
I know what you're all thinking, "Damn, Geekologie ain't had no sweet LEGO posts in awhile, how am I supposed to get my fix?" Well put the needles down my friends, the LEGO post is back, this time in the form of a monster puke colored tower. The Legoland Windsor theme park in England recently broke the world record for tallest LEGO structure (which was 96.1 feet) with this motley mother. The scraper of skies stands inches short of 100 feet (add a couple more blocks you fools!) and took just under a billion individual LEGO blocks to complete. Did you fall for that? I was just wondering if you'd believe that if I said it. Because it didn't really take a billion blocks, just 500,000. It's pretty awesome and all, but how about removing those wire tethers? That makes it kind of questionable. I want to see it stand on its own. Which is why I just started construction of the world's tallest freestanding LEGO tower. I made it to five feet but ran out of blocks. So I tore a couple blocks off the top and created a mask. That's right folks -- I'm robbing Toys "R" Us, wish me luck.
UPDATE: A pimply teenage clerk hit me in the face with a broom handle and my mask broke. They recognized me as the guy who's always hanging out in the LEGO section. I tried to grab one of the new Indiana Jones sets and make a run for it, but some hag hit me with her shopping cart and threw my back out. Now I'm laying face down in a holding cell at the police station with a slipped disk or something. Some other guy keeps touching my ass and I keep telling him to stop. I can't even see what he looks like. I guess the real lesson here is this: next time I'm making my mask out of K'Nex.
A couple more pictures of the LEGO highness after the jump.
Continue Reading " Tallest LEGO Tower Is Pretty Tall, But Wired "
Apr 18 2008 Jet Car Driver: Must Be Handsome, Charming
Ed Shadle and Keith Zanghi are two nutjobs that want to break the 800 mph land speed record in the US. To achieve such a breakneck speed they've built the North American Eagle -- a jet car powered by a 1957 Lockheed F-104 Starfighter's 42,500 horsepower engine. The damn thing eats 160 gallons of fuel a minute and costs $16,000 in gas every run. Now I can think of better ways to spend my money, but whatever, I have no record-breaking dreams.
Now the couple is having trouble finding sponsors because no one is interested in two old codgers that built a rocket car, they want a handsome, charismatic daredevil. So now the team is looking for one. You must be between the ages of 20-40, and photogenic. Death wish preferred, but not required. If you want to give it a go send a 400-word email to landspeedracing@gmail.com explaining why you're the man for the job, and attach a photo. Now here's a great idea -- how about getting a woman to drive it? That'll certainly garner some publicity. Think about what Danica Patrick did for racing. I can honestly say I had never masturbated to an IndyCar event before she started. Now I'll even do it to a Nascar Truck Series race. What was my point here? Oh right, a woman. I love women.
Just to give you an idea of how touch with reality these two guys are, Shadle told the Times Online, "It's a lot of fun to drive, but if my age is stopping us getting sponsors, we have to remove that barrier. We'll put some hotshot in the driving seat who looks like Robert Redford and see how that works." Wow, Shadle, wow. The last time I checked (which was 30 seconds ago), Robert Redford was 71 and had a grandfatherly look about him. Not sure that's the look sponsors were going for. Unless, of course, you were referring to Redford in 1969's Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In which case I loved his mustache in that movie. Wish I could grow one like that, I'd sell rides.
Driver wanted for jet car: must be young, fearless, good looking [dvice]
