Jan 28 2009 Not Again!: Another Kid's Toy Promoting Islam

Remember the story about the children's doll that allegedly says "Islam is the light"? Well now there's a Nintendo DS game that says the same thing, thankfully discovered by BY THE SAME IDIOT THAT COMPLAINED ABOUT THE DOLL.

Months ago, Rachel Jones was shocked to discover her 4-year-old's baby doll seemed to have a hidden message: Islam is the light.

Imagine her surprise when a game for her 8-year-old daughter's Nintendo DS had the same message. Jones said she's angry this is the second toy she's had to take from her children.

"Not just my daughters' toys, but we have a son too," said Jones. "Now I feel like I need to listen to all of his little toys to make sure they're not saying it."

Well, I don't know what to tell you, Rachel. Except stop procreating. Also, your fifteen minutes of local-news fame were up last year, let somebody else have a turn. Like the kid that got a cherry pit stuck up his nose, that's something.

Video game plays strange message? [wpri]

Thanks to Mark, whose Teddy Ruxpin doll promoted Wicca.

Jan 27 2009 WTF?: 'Magic Goat' Arrested For Robbery

That's right folks, the authorities in Nigeria have arrested a magic goat (which may or may not be a tree goat) suspected of theft and are waiting for the crafty bastard to return to its human form.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat"

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.

Now I want a magic goat. I'd go on tour with Willy Wonk-eye and become the world's greatest magician -- and lover. Sorry ladies, that's goat lover.

Goat detained over armed robbery [yahoonews]

Thanks to Deathbat, marty and ray, who all managed to escape detection in the women's locker room by turning into towels. Lucky bastards! Except for you ray, that chick was ugly.

Jan 18 2009 Highly Questionable: Steve Jobs Has HIV?

I'm assuming the picture is all part of a really shitty hoax, but who knows.

On January 14, 2009, in an internal Apple memo, Jobs wrote that in the previous week he had "learned that my health-related issues are more complex than I originally thought" and announced a six-month leave of absence until the end of June 2009 to allow him to better focus on his health.

Obviously I hope Steve doesn't actually have HIV, but that Apple finds a cure anyways. Whatever the case may be -- get better, Steve.

Steve Jobs purported HIV medical status results, 2008 [wikileaks]

Thanks to steve (not THE Steve), Jimmy and Malicious Lingerer, who all wish Mr. Jobs the best.

Jan 5 2009 Pssst, Over Here: Cheap Knock-Off Brands

Knock-offs: they look like the real thing, but are bought out of the back of a skeezy guy's van for a quarter of the price and either break or explode within a week of purchase. Then, to make matters worse, the bastard isn't set up on the same street corner when you go to return the merchandise. What a sham! And speaking of which, I will now perform a magic trick -- Alakasham! Can you still see me? I'm supposed to be invisible. *entering women's locker room* "EEEEEEEEEEKK!!!!!!" Oh, oh shit.

Hit the jump for a few more knock-offs, including a chicken wearing the Colonel's tie.

Continue Reading " Pssst, Over Here: Cheap Knock-Off Brands "

Oct 31 2008 Giant LEGO Figure Appears On Beach

A giant LEGO minifig maxifig washed up on the beach of Brighton, England a few days ago, and nobody knows where the hell he came from.

The Lego man is 6ft tall in red, yellow and green. It is presumed to have washed up on the beach, but whether it has come from a cargo ship or from across the Channel is not clear.

Brighton resident Gerry Turner, 34, said: "It's very odd. God knows how it got here but people are saying it's from Holland because it's got some Dutch writing on it. It must have fallen off a boat of something. The kids love it."

Fallen off a boat or something? How many boats do you know of with giant LEGO men manning the sails? Exactly, only a handful. No, I think there's a much more logical answer to this mystery. And that, my friends, is God.

Giant lego man appears on Brighton beach [telegraph]

Thanks to ShitBitch Carl, who used to captain a LEGO pirate ship in the Carribbean.

Oct 27 2008 Just Pull Over: A Lamborghini Police Car

Lamborghini, for some unknown reason, gave the Italian State Police a ridiculously policed-out 560hp 5.2-liter V10 Gallardo. I suspect it has something to do with not uncovering their illegal business practices, but that's purely my own speculation (and 100% fact). I'm not sure which officer gets to drive the car, but if I had to guess, I'd say they all fight over it. Like little girls. Little Italian girls with accents and mustachios.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures, a video, and a link to an even massive-r gallery.

Continue Reading " Just Pull Over: A Lamborghini Police Car "

Oct 9 2008 Used Condoms Reborn As Hair/Rubber Bands

Soiled condoms *HORF* are being recycled into hair bands and rubber bands in China.

"There are a lot of bacteria and viruses on the rubber bands and hair ties made from used condoms," a dermatologist at the Guangzhou Hospital of Armed Police, who asked to be identified by his surname Dong, told the local paper. "People could be infected with AIDS, warts or other diseases if they hold the rubber bands or strings in their mouths while weaving their hair into plaits or buns."

*HORF* Jesus. But on the upside, a bag of 10 hair bands only costs 3¢. Which, I think we can all agree is worth the risk of contracting something.

Report: Used condoms 'recycled' as hair bands in China [usatoday]

Thanks to Skip, who may or may not have been the guy that ratted me out for blowing up used condoms at my last clown gig.

Sep 18 2008 KITT Stolen During Publicity Event In Canada

Allegedly KITT, from the new Knight Rider series, was stolen during a publicity event in Toronto last week. I call FAKE and VIRAL.

The car was making a stop in Toronto for a publicity stunt in front of Union Station on Front Street. The car was being unloaded from its transport trailer for a crowd of onlookers. When its handler turned her back for a moment, a man darts from the median, jumps into the still-running ride, and peels off heading East on Front Street.

Apparently the car has yet to be found, and to date has not been exposed as a publicity stunt. I call complete and utter shenanigans. Regardless, I'm sure KITT will turn himself on and return to Mike's side any minute now.

UPDATE: Yep, aaaaaany minute now....

UPDATE: FAXOR! (thanks Giblet, now get your buddy Gravy over here and we'll have ourselves a feast)

Knight Rider's KITT Stolen in Toronto [themovieblog]

Thanks to Arthur and Ray, who once beat KITT in a potato sack race.

Sep 17 2008 Star Wars Episode III With Piss-Poor Subtitles

I don't know if this is real or not, but it certainly could be. Apparently some pirates got a copy of Star Wars Episode III before its release and decided to subtitle it themselves. The result? A homoerotic space thriller!

Skip to about 1:00 to get past the explanation.

Youtube

Thanks Charlie, but you bite my finger and I'll kill you.

Aug 11 2008 Montauk Monster Toast Surfaces On eBay

Some clown of asses sold a piece of Montauk Monster toast on eBay.

The life-changing adventure that will culminate with your successful bidding and acquisition of this item all began yesterday morning. In all honesty the morning began like any other for me. I woke gently to the peaceful soft-rock sounds of my local adult contemporary station. After hearing about the local bridge club and their quest to raise funds for their summer charity drive, I was finally compelled to matriculate to the kitchen for my normal Thursday breakfast of fresh grapefruit, small bowl of raisin bran (skim milk), slightly buttered toast, coffee, and 8 ounces of pomegranite juice. I was particularly looking forward to the juice as it is precisely the anti-oxidant superpower pick-me-up I need to help me attack the day.

But my interest and consciousness was quickly rocked to unspeakable heights when I witnessed what happened next. That toast I eluded to earlier had harmlessly popped up from the toaster as normal. But when I grabbed the first piece to lightly glaze with margarine I was stopped in my tracks the moment I saw the ghostly impression of none other than the unbelievable montauk monster laying peacefully in the slightly charred surface of my morning toast. A wave of both horror and wonderment washed over me as I quickly understood what the bystanders that found the actual beast must have felt during those fateful seconds on the beach.

Uh-huh. The winning bid was $810, but the winner has 0 feedback. So it's unlikely they're actually gonna pay for a piece of toast with a monster scraped into it. But there certainly was a lot of interest -- and questions!

Q: I plan to eat this toast. Will I be guaranteed a hint of monster in the flavor? Either way I'm fat and plan to eat it!

A: Well, as I said above, eating this toast would be like using the hope diamond as a door stop. But if you insist on eating it after you win the bidding, then you should find it will taste like any other piece of toast. Thanks, David

Q: What brand of pomegranate juice were you drinking?
A: I only drink POM Wonderful. It's too important of a part of my diet to skimp and pinch pennies. Thanks, David.

Q: I was wondering if I can get a couple eggs on the side? Would that add to the cost of shipping? Can you also include a couple of those little grape jelly containers that you get at Denny's? Thanks a lot.
A: This auction is for legendary Montauk Monster Toast only. Sorry no eggs on the side. Thanks, David

Q: Can I get the toast with eggs and bacon?
A: This auction is for toast only. No eggs, no bacon. Sorry. David

Q: Can I get it with out the crust?
A: This toast will be a full piece of toast as seen in the picture. If you win the auction then you can take the crust off. Thanks, Dave

Oh man, I hate the crust too. It's like bread skin. And you know what they say: skin is in, but fat is where it's at. And also, my pants. My pants are where it's at. If we're talking about my wallet -- but if we're talking about a party, forget about it. These pants haven't even seen a friendly get-together in months.

eBay Auction
via
EBay Seller: 'Montauk Monster' Turns Up on Piece of Toast [foxnews]

Thanks to Kenny Rogers, who in 1997 banged a hooker with a drumstick from his chicken shack.

Jul 18 2008 Guy Finds Mysterious Keylogger In Laptop

Some guy opened his laptop to make a repair and found a rogue keylogger up in that mother.

What could this mean? I called Dell tech support about it, and they said, and I quote, "The integrated service tag identifier is there for assisting customers in the event of lost or misplaced personal information." He then hung up.

I called the police, as having a keylogger unknown to me in my laptop is a serious offense. They told me to call the Department of Homeland Security. At this point, I am in disbelief. Why would the DHS have a keylogger in my laptop? It was surreal.

So I called them, and they told me to submit a Freedom of Information Act request.

You can read a scanned copy of the reply to his request after the jump, but it basically says his request warrants no freedom of information. DHS for the win! Needless to say, I'm ripping my laptop apart right now.

UPDATE: Okay, I didn't find any mysterious keyloggers, but I did find a couple rogue Cheetos.

UPDATE UPDATE: False alarm. Purportedly fake -- and old. But I'm man enough to admit when I've screwed up, and this was clearly my tipsters fault. Whew, back to surfing porn.

Hit the jump for a scanned copy of the DHS reply to the request for information.

Continue Reading " Guy Finds Mysterious Keylogger In Laptop "

Jul 11 2008 'Fanboy' Makes Merriam-Webster Dictionary

In word news, 'fanboy' has officially been added to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. That's the entry there in the picture. Weird they didn't mention anything about Apple or video games. Oh, and as you can see they claim the word dates back to 1919. Which I find a little hard to believe. In 1919 a fanboy was a kid you paid to wave a palm frond in your direction to stay cool, not somebody sitting outside an Apple store right now waiting for an iPhone. Oh well. In other word news, 'Geekologie' should be added to the dictionary. And no, not as the study of all things geek. Well, fine, that too -- but I was thinking something a little tougher.

Geekologie n, v (2008)
1. the study of all things geek
Dude, this college sucks, you can't even get a Geekologie degree.

2. to utterly destroy someone else and prove your dominance, similar to pwn
Suck it, sucker, I just beat your Bomberman high score. You got Geekologied!

3. to teabag a passed out roommate who forgot to take his shoes off
Quick, grab the video camera -- I'm gonna Geekologie Davey!

'Fanboy' makes Merriam-Webster's list of new English words [gamepro]

Thanks Julian, I'm putting you in charge of spearheading the petition.