Nov 19 2009 The Monsters That Didn't Make The Cut: New Star Trek's Deleted Gorn And Salt Vampire

Wonder what the Gorn and Salt Vampire that were supposed to appear in the new Star Trek's deleted Rura Penthe Klingon prison scenes looked like? This. Good lookin', but I'll take a steroid abuser in a dinosaur mask any day. I'm serious, just show up.

J.J. Abrams' Version Of Star Trek's Salt Vampire And Gorn Revealed [io9]

Thanks to Jase, who may or may not have just ordered some Mexican roids and a t-rex mask off eBay. I'll be waiting.

Oct 26 2009 What Could Go Wrong?: Razor Blade Soap

Razor blade soap is exactly what it sounds like, unless you thought it was razor blade shaped soap, in which case it's not. No, razor blade soap has an actual razor blade inside. A nice rusty one. But don't worry -- you'll bleed out well before the lockjaw sets in. Available for $7/bar, it makes the perfect gift for that special someone in the slammer. Alternatively, Polish roulette!

Razor Blade Soap Puts Your Nipples At Risk [nerdapproved]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who once made soap with a revolver inside and shot himself in the butt. Use a wash cloth, bro.

Jun 30 2009 I Would Destroy: This WALL-E Cake

If I were in prison and could only have one thing I would want a chastity belt. But if I could have two things I would want a chastity belt and a cake with a file in it. What? I like to keep my nails looking good. Also, looking a little cross-eyed there, WALL-E -- been playing with yourself again?

Wall E Cake is Simply Delicious [walyou]

Jun 1 2009 Prison: Don't Drop The Soap Knuckles

This is soap shaped like brass knuckles. It's equally suited for punching yourself in the taint or fighting off would-be lovers in the prison shower. Which, miss you Big Bear.

Brass Knuckle Soap Allows You To Punch Up a Good Lather [gizmodo]

Thanks to pstone, who made me his bitch.

Jan 29 2009 Prison Convicts Capture Selves With Lightpole

How not to escape from a New Zealand prison: handcuffed to another dude, running on opposite sides of a lightpole. Check.

Youtube

Thanks to Ray Doggy Dog and chad, who could have escaped prison like it was a three-legged race.

Nov 19 2008 Solid Snake Escapes Prison In Cardboard Box

A Turkish man, who may or may not be a fan of the Metal Gear Solid series, but who I am dubbing Solid Turkish Snake anyways, escaped German prison in a cardboard box.

The man hid in the box at the end of a shift of his prison job of making stationery and was carried out by a courier service along with other boxes. The inmate then cut through a tarp in the truck and jumped out shortly after the vehicle left the prison grounds. The driver eventually noticed the tarp flapping in the wind and reported the cut to the police.

Wait a minute -- job making stationery? No wonder the poor bastard wanted to escape so bad. Pressing license plates I can understand, but making stationery? That's just cruel and unusual.

Prison Inmate Escapes Jail Using Cardboard Box [snagwiremedia]

Thanks to Kevin, who once escaped a POW camp in a paper airplane. And Saul, who fled an undesirable woman's house in the morning when he rolled the toilet paper out the window, slid down the roll and had an escape.

Sep 5 2008 Guy Ghetto Rigs License Plate Flipper

Orlando Payano is a Queens truck driver that doesn't like paying tolls. So what did he do? Simple, he jerry-rigged a license plate flipper.

Apparently, Orlando Payano mounted his license plate on a hinged piece of metal then ran an attached cable through his cigarette lighter. When he went through a toll booth, all he had to do is pull the cord and abracadabra! No license plate caught on camera.

Everything was going smoothly until a Port Authority officer spotted Payano's disappearing plate in action. Orlando has denied the existence of the cable system and insists he pays tolls with an EZ-Pass tag. Good luck arguing that to the judge, Orlando. Tip: Now's the time to start working out and/or juicing, lest you find yourself in the slammer with your own EZ-Pass tag -- on that ass.

Ghetto Disappearing License Plate Hack Rigged to Avoid Tolls [gizmodo]

Sep 4 2008 37 Prisoners Caught Hiding Cell Phones In Their Bodies, 7 Require Surgery To Retrieve

In a story that harks back to Captain Sneakapeak and the case of the missing cameraphone, comes this story. 37 Pakistani prisoners at Camp Jail were found to be hiding cell phones in their bodies. All but seven were easily removed. The seven that didn't come out so easily were all smart phones. Those required surgery. Read: removal of the asshole. Just kidding, I don't know what they did. What I do know is I'm starting to get worried why my Bluetooth headset and charger haven't passed yet.

7 Prisoners undergo surgery to remove mobile phones from their butts [newlaunches]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who knows a guy who once snuck an entire phonebooth into jail.

Aug 19 2008 Man Designs IFO, Seeks Funding

Kevin Brown is a man. A man who designed an IFO and is now seeking funding to start production. Introducing the VTOHLJATT: A Vertical Takeoff Hover Landing Jet Aerial Terrestrial Transport (you've gotta admit, it's got a ring to it).

The vehicle has four models starting with the single seat version, capable of lifting the pilot and one passengers. The 2 seater version is capable of lifting the pilot, co.-pilot and 2 passengers and the 4 seater version is capable of lifting the pilot, the co.-pilot, engineer, navigator and 3 passengers. Each version configuration is maintained by an equal weight to thrust and lift ratios.

All vehicles will enable the occupants to take off and land vertically, by use of 4, jet vectored thrust engines. counter rotation turbo fan-jets; appox: 17" Dia. by 37.8 in Length, 300 pounds in dry weight. Capable of thrusts of up to 1200 Static 4 time that, well 4800, you see my point.

The purpose of the vehicle is to enable this vehicle to maneuver in very tight, confined, spaces. Models depending on size of Occupancy range from 4 square meters to 10 square meters. The overall size of the vehicle will be no larger than an ordinary, domestic compact import car for the single seater version.

So, who's investing? Somebody better be, because I want one of these things. Think about it: owning your very own IFO! Finally, a chance to turn the table on those wonk-eyed aliens. Nobody probes this this ass and get away with it! Well, except a very special cellmate of mine. Miss you, call me when you're out.

Hit the jump for a bunch of different models of the craft, and email Kevin at kevbro007[at]hotmail[dot]com if you want Kevin to contact you with more info.

Continue Reading " Man Designs IFO, Seeks Funding "

Jul 29 2008 Guy's Mower Won't Start, He Shoots It

Keith Walendowski is (based on his picture) the last man in the world I'd expect to be a raging alcoholic and own illegal weaponry. But he is, and he does. One day, Keith, who had already eaten his bourbon breakfast, decided to partake in a little Russian-toe-roulette and mow his yard (which, incidentally, is also his mother's -- he still lives at home with her). So what did ol' Keith do when the mower wouldn't start? What any other freaking idiot in his situation would do, blast it with a sawed-off shotgun. Forget checking the gas and oil, when a mower doesn't start all it needs is some holes.

Police officers said Mr Walendowski had told them: "It's my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want." He was charged by police in Milwaukee with disorderly conduct and possession of a sawn-off shotgun. He could face a fine of up to $11,000 and a maximum prison sentence of six-and-a-half years if convicted.

Geez, six-and-a-half years? I assume that's mostly for the shotgun. But, uh, just out of curiosity -- blasting a weed-wacker is totally legit, right?

Hit the jump for an example of what a Mad Max collectible "sword"-off shotgun looks like.

Continue Reading " Guy's Mower Won't Start, He Shoots It "

Jul 23 2008 'Spam King' Sentenced To Four Years In Prison, Hopefully A Really Rough One

'Spam King' Robert Soloway is headed to a federal pound you in the ass (I hope) prison for 47 months. He recently pleaded guilty to fraud, spamming, tax evasion, general douchery, asshatness, and sucking at life. We should probably just give him the chair. I really hope a fellow inmate down a handful of those penis pills he was always emailing me about and spams his ass.

Hit the link for the full story.

Top Spammer Sentenced To Nearly Four Years [yahoonews]

Thanks Julian, now let's stone him.