Nov 19 2009 Snap, Crackle, Pork: Bacon-Flavored Popcorn

Because soon everything will be available pork-flavored, J&D's is selling bacon-flavored popcorn. I assume it's just regular popcorn with their bacon-salt added to the bag, but what do I know? Besides everything because God and I are like this *crossing fingers to show extreme closeness*. $12 gets you three bags. Alternatively, $12 will also net you 40 Glad Tall Kitchen Trashbags (with Odor Shield technology). So, yeah, the choice is yours.

Product Site
via
Bacon Pop [uncrate]

Thanks to Chuey The Rock n Roll Midget and Be My Mannequin, who pop corn and balloons at the fair with equal dexterity.

Aug 11 2009 I Almost Cried: The Ballad Of G.I. Joe

This is a song and music video entitled 'The Ballad of G.I. Joe', which shows what the G.I. Joe characters do in their spare time, as portrayed by a bunch of celebrities. Cast list:

Scarlett - Julianne Moore

Zartan - Billy Crudup
Snowjob - Zach Galifianakis
Baroness - Olivia Wilde
Lady Jaye - Alexis Bledel
Dr. Mindbender - Tony Hale
Duke - Henry Rollins
Gung-Ho - Chuck Liddell
Shipwreck - Alan Tudyk
Destro - Vinnie Jones
Doc - Laz Alonso
Sargent Slaughter as himself

Now, it's no pork chop sandwiches, but I did hear it was better than the new movie. Which I wouldn't know because I went to a special screening of Iron Man 2. IT PAYS TO BE THE GEEKOLOGIE WRITER, SUCKERS! (I sat at home all weekend and wept into my dog)

The Ballad of G.I. Joe [funnyordie]

Thanks to Riddle, Abbie and The Superficial Writer, who have all done their makekup in Destro's head before.

Jul 31 2009 A-Ha!: So That's The Other Half Of The Battle

This $20 t-shirt depicts what the other, more mysterious half of a G.I. Joe battle is. Now I would have guessed it's a pork chop sandwich/body massage combo, but what do I know? Besides, oh I dunno, EVERYTHING AND THEN SOME. Numbers? I KNOW MY NUMBERS. You + me + ice cream = <3

Product Site

Thanks to Julian and Rastapopolous, who sunshine day ya a time for de bus rida.

Jul 14 2009 Good Enough To Eat?: Darth Vader Chops

Andreas Heim, of Denmark, opened a pack of lamb chops earlier this month and, HELLO, DARK SIDE VADER CHOPS! I don't know about you, but I would eat the hell out of that thing. Although, to be honest, I would eat the hell out of unmasked Vader chops. Which are actually shriveled turnips. Admit it -- I'm not the only one who wanted to lick that head!

Se, en Darth Vader-kotelett! [vg]

Thanks to Oiva and Occasional reader, who once shared a tauntaun shaped pork chop.

Mar 25 2009 Canned Bacon: Perfect For Stocking Your Robot/Zombie Shelter. Also, Snacking

Canned bacon. Undoubtedly the best course of The Last Supper, Yoder brand canned bacon can now be yours. Plus, it comes in sweet-ass camo cans. Hey, where'd my bacon go?!?

For the first time in almost 20 years, canned bacon is back in this Country. Not available in any store!

More than 2 years went into the development of this bacon, and we're proud to be able to bring this back to you after improving on a what was a very successful brand of canned bacon made years ago by Celebrity Foods (registered Trademark, all rights reserved).

Each can is 9 ounces of fully cooked and drained bacon. Between 2-3/4 and 3-1/4 pounds of raw bacon go into each can. Each can is the highest quality fresh #1 bacon slices. Cured to our specifications, cooked and then hand wrapped, rolled and packed in the U.S.

My God that sounds delicious. A single can will set you back $12, but that's not really bad considering it's 3 pounds of cooked bacon and will stay fresh for over 10 years. You know -- this might very well be the most delicious thing to ever come in a can. Well, besides this. Here, open it. *POW POW!* Haha, that was Geekologie brand Whoop Ass, bitch!

Hit the jump for a photo-uncanning.

Continue Reading " Canned Bacon: Perfect For Stocking Your Robot/Zombie Shelter. Also, Snacking "

Mar 13 2009 I Really Want One: Porkgasm In A Pan

Porkgasm: a pig roast made entirely out of meat -- just like the real thing! And *sniff* probably the most beautiful thing I've ever wanted to put in my mouth. Ha, except for that Fabergé egg. Delicious and nutritious gold.

Hit the jump for a pictorial of how to make a Porkgasm.

Continue Reading " I Really Want One: Porkgasm In A Pan "

Feb 27 2009 Mmmm, Brains: Delicious AND Nutritious

Maybe the zombies got something right after all. Brains, as it turns out, are chock-full of healthy cholesterol. You know, the kind that makes your heart stop. That's right, a single 5.5 oz can of pork brains contains 3,500mg of heart-arresting deliciousness -- about 1170% of your daily value. Bet you can't eat just one!

The "Worst Food Product Ever" May Have Been Found [consumerist]

Thanks to twellve, who ate two cans and then puked worse than she ever has in her life.

Dec 11 2008 Pfft, Hearts Are Overrated Anyways

If God wasn't too busy spiting me every morning, he'd eat this shit for breakfast.

Hit the jump for a picture of the finished product.

Continue Reading " Pfft, Hearts Are Overrated Anyways "

Oct 15 2008 Old As Hell!: G.I. Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches

Video, due to language, is probably NSFW.

This video is older than the interweb itself. In fact, it was first depicted on a cave wall, drawn there by a caveman who smeared his penis in the ashes left from a fire started when lightning hit a dry tree. True story. Anyway, for those of you who haven't seen it, this is a redubbing of one of the public service announcements played after a G.I. Joe cartoon ("and knowing is half the battle!"). There's a bunch more if you like it, but this is the best one. So, with that said, let the OLDing begin!*

*By typing OLD in the comments, you forfeit your right to ever have sex again.**
**Expect in prison, against your will.

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