Jan 12 2009 Oh My God A New Sex Toy Thingy For Guys

The Real Touch may look like a torture device (and may, in fact, BE a torture device), but is allegedly the latest advancement in solitary male pleasure. Just look at that thing -- reminds me of the time my penis got run over by a Sherman tank. I'm sure it's safe though. After all, it was designed and "thoroughly tested" by a NASA engineer.

It's a computer-controlled "stimulation" device that uses specially encoded content to bring a sort of virtual-reality experience to, um, a certain member. Using a host of technologies, the futuristic-looking computer peripheral simulates motion, adjusts temperature and provides lubrication. The encoding is deciphered by a custom Windows Media Player plugin.

Basically you plug the unit's USB cable into your computer, plug your unit into the unit, and presto!: it mimics the feelings you'd experience if you were actually banging the chick in the porno and not sitting at a computer desk sobbing into a stained gym sock.

The Real Touch is available now for $150. And, if you get the chance AND ARE NOT AT WORK NSFW NSFW NSFW you HAVE TO go to the official website and watch the video of the chick explaining the device. It was....something.

NSFW NSFW NSFW Official Website NSFW NSFW NSFW
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The sickest gadget DVICE saw in Vegas [dvice]

Thanks to Rachel, whose lucky man doesn't need a Real Touch.

Nov 20 2008 Must Read: Man Caught Red Handed And Hairy Palmed With Bottle Of Pasta Sauce

Hell no this doesn't have anything to do with gadgets or gizmos, but it is awesome. In a "boy, I'm really glad I'm not that guy" kind of way. Long story short: a man pleasuring himself with a jar of pasta sauce led cops on a low speed chase in Australia. Long story long:

A man caught near Nobbys (!!) Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 km/h car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed. Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 km/h, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his penis and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Wow, continuing to pleasure yourself while wrestling with the cops. That's....well that's just ballsy (ZING!). And I don't even want to discuss the contents of his car. But what I do want to discuss is what kind of pasta jar he was using. And also, was there still sauce in it? Traditional tomato-based or alfredo? Did he add pesto? I bet he added pesto.

Man caught with penis in pasta jar [theherald]

Thanks to Matt, who insists hot sauce bottles are where it's at. Thanks buddy, my penis just spontaneously combusted.

Dec 14 2007 Playing Guitar Makes Lightsaber Thing Vibrate

Take a guitar, plug in a VOX AmPlug, and then attach an OhMiBod vibrator to that and what do you get? A vibrator that responds to what you play on the guitar! Cool. The Vox AmPlug is really just a little amp you can plug headphones into, it's the OhMiBod vibrator that makes all the magic happen (it will also plug into the headphone jack of an MP3 player, etc. and respond to that music as well). Talk about becoming a true Guitar Hero. Yeah buddy. Hook it all up, start jamming out on some Stairway To Heaven, and soon you're lucky lady will be in heaven. Or she'll break up with you and start dating a Stratocaster, which is what happened to me. Stupid vibrator-guitar combo, I hate you.

A funny video of the magic wand/lightsaber in action after the jump.

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