Nov 19 2009 Laser Crosswalks: Because Pews = Safety

Laser Crosswalks are the crosswalks of the future. You can tell because it has 'laser' in the name. Pretty much anything with 'laser' in it is gonna be a huge hit in the future (including cereal). Don't believe me? Just stare at this laser eye-toy for a minute. Aaaaand now you're blind.

The Virtual Wall is designed as a replacement for traffic lights and if made would use "plasma laser beams" to project silhouettes of moving people into the path of oncoming traffic.

Supposedly this would calm traffic and make drivers more careful around the soft humans as they cross the street. I'd say it would be more likely that the appearance of giant red figures before the windshield would cause panic, crashing and general mayhem.

Hell yes, giant red laser-people. *pew pew* means walk! Plus, if you try driving through it the lasers should cut you up into little pieces. Don't act like we don't have that technology! We have that technology.

Laser Wall Replaces Traffic Light [wired]

Thanks to Fnahra tha evur livin, who loves lasers almost as much as I do but not quite because I have laser-vision. Yeah, so there, Fnahra.

Nov 17 2009 Welcome To The Gun Laser Show: Girl Shows Off Her 'Pew Pew' Tattoos

This is a photo taken by Flickr user Meow Cely of a girl with 'pew pew' tattooed across her fingers. I must admit, I admire her dedication to the pews. You don't see me rocking any pew-y ink (except in THIS post), and I'm one of the the laser blaster's biggest proponents. Funny story: I went to a gun and knife show a few weeks ago and demanded my entrance fee be returned when I found out there weren't any laser guns. Also, I accidentally cut myself with a bowie knife and tried to play it off like I'd been stabbed.

Flickr
via
(Geek) Thug Life!: Pew Pew Tattoo [greatwhitesnark]

Sep 15 2009 Die, Birds, Diiiiiiiie!: Contra Vs. Duck Hunt

This is a super short video of a Contra commando playing Duck Hunt. And in case you can't watch videos at work, I'll spoil it for you: the ducks lose. But if you want to watch the ducks win, you should watch that youth hockey themed movie starring Emilio Estevez. OMG HE WAS SOOOO HANDSOME!

Youtube

Thanks to jim, who got the laser rifle and "accidentally" shot that annoying laughing dog.

Sep 14 2009 Yes, Please!: Pew Pew Laser Cheeze

Laser cheese is cheese that comes out of Captain Cheeseface's magical fingertips. According to this commercial, one finger shoots cheese chunks and the other a fine cheesy powder. Together they make pasteurized magic! OOOH OOOH, OVER HERE MR. CHEESE WHIZ -- shoot it right in my mouth! Yes, yes, now my eyes -- DO ME IN THE EYES! OMG -- OMG -- CHEEEEEEESEVISIOOOOOOON!

Youtube (from pictureisunrelated)

Thanks to chris and NumberOneSpatula, who once robbed a bank with cheese sticks. Pretty gutsy, guys. Also, delicious (pass the marinara).

Apr 24 2009 Best Business Cards Ever: Meat Cards

Meat Cards are business cards with your info burnt into them using a 150 watt CO2 laser. They are far superior to card stock for obvious reasons (read: meat and lasers).

Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients: MEAT AND LASERS.

Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards.

Mmmm, meat and lasers: definitely two of the finest ingredients on earth. PEW PEW, NOM NOM! Now, blast me in the eye with your laser pointer right as I swallow. What? Don't judge me.

Meatcards

Thanks to Chloe and Julian for eating all my cards. No, really, thanks a lot guys.

Mar 21 2009 Waveform Bracelets Are A Clever Idea

The Sound Advice Project was designed to help parents keep their kids off drugs by giving them a reminder of how much they're loved and how bad drugs are. In this case, it's a bracelet that says, in waveform, something like "you're way too cool for drugs", or, "drugs will make your penis shrink". Thankfully, for $18 you can go to the website and record whatever message you want. I decided to made one for myself with one of my favorite inspirational messages from the bible, "When in doubt, PEW PEW PEW". *WHA-PISSSH!* Whoa, what was that? You getting bible-belted, son!

Waveform bracelet displays sound advice [dvice]

Mar 18 2009 BigDog: Now With More Horns, Goring

Remember Boston Dynamic's BigDog? Well they decided it'd be funny to put horns on it and pretend like it's a bull. As you can see, it's not humorous. Nope, not one bit. I don't care if you paint its face and have it make balloon animals at the fair, BigDog will never be funny. Or cute. Not even with a furry little bunny tail and dressed like a schoolgirl. Which, ZOMG.....

dinosaursdressedlikeschoolgirls.com!

Video: BigDog turned into BigBull (with BigHorns) [engadget]

Thanks to Julian and Pete, who could totally ride that thing for the full 8 seconds.

Mar 18 2009 Percent Of Student Virgins Per College Major

As you can see, majoring in Mathematics or Chemistry pretty much guarantees you a sexless college experience. Good for you, hopefully you took a purity pledge or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, "CALLING ALL FEMALE STUDIO ART MAJORS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE -- BRING FINGERPAINT."

Virginity rates among students by major [forwardon]

Thanks to Julian (a poli-sci major) and Romeo, who majored in Juliet. HIYO!

Feb 11 2009 Pfft, Stitches, How About A Little PEW PEW?

In an attempt to prove that not all PEWs are bad PEWs, doctors at Tel Aviv University have developed a laser that is capable of sealing wounds safer and more efficiently than traditional stitches.

The laser allows a wound to be welded shut as opposed to sutured, which makes it far more watertight and there's less tearing. It's done by very carefully controlling the temperature of the beam, and Israeli patients treated with the laser have already enjoyed faster healing times and less scarring.

Cool, but can it still blind you if you stare at it too long? And, if not, can you make me one that can? The bully that lives across the street threw a rock at me when we got off the bus yesterday, and I want to burn his eyes out. Also, his older sister is hot. I want to see her naked. PEW PEW?

Hit the jump for a video of the PEW in action.

Continue Reading " Pfft, Stitches, How About A Little PEW PEW? "

Dec 26 2008 Cell Phone Goes PEW PEW PEW PEW

Remember the cell phone gun that Italian police found in a raid on the mafia? Turns out they're mad popular in Europe. And, I've got to tell ya, I'd almost be fooled if it looked like a Blackberry and not a phone from the 90's -- the 1890's (note to self: fact check 19th century cell phone technology). Some guy ranting about the pieces of shit:

Most see airport security as a pain. Some deal better than others. Some feel violated, when you watch this movie, you'll understand why they want your cell phone through the x-ray machine. If you get asked to test your cell phone at the airport, this is the reason. Because cell phone guns have arrived. These phones are not in the U.S. yet, but they are in use overseas. Beneath the digital phone face is a 22 caliber handgun capable of firing four rounds in rapid succession using the standard telephone keypad. European law enforcement officials are stunned by the discovery of these deadly decoys. They say phone guns are changing the rules of engagement in Europe. Be patient if security asks to look at your cell phone or turn it on to show that it works. They have a good reason! Welcome to our NEW WORLD!!

New world? Would that be a brave new world? And, if so, hook me up with some of that soma! Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Now, who wants to hit up the feelies?

Video Demo of Cellphone Gun Shows How Effective It Could Be [gizmodo]

Nov 30 2008 Christmas Came Early This Year (And You Might Too): Gen¹³ Caitlin Fairchild Cosplay

As the angel of holiday cheer, I felt obligated to post these pictures of some chick cosplaying it up as Caitlin Fairchild from the Gen¹³ comic book series. Honestly, I had no idea who Caitlin was, but now I can safely say that her image is burnt into my retinas. Literally, I used a coat hanger and butane lighter. Hit the jump for three more pics, all of which are significantly cheekier than this one. You catch my drift? I'm talking about her ass -- her ass is hanging out.

Hit it, you want to.

Continue Reading " Christmas Came Early This Year (And You Might Too): Gen¹³ Caitlin Fairchild Cosplay "

Nov 27 2008 Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pongs With Nunchucks

This is an ad for a special Bruce Lee edition Nokia N96. It's an oldschool looking video of Bruce Lee playing ping-pong with nunchucks. It's obviously real because Bruce Lee learned martial arts from God himself and once got a chick pregnant with a single karate chop. Nine months later, you were born. Feliz cumpleaños!

Hit the jump for another ad of Bruce lighting matches with the chucks.

Continue Reading " Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pongs With Nunchucks "

Nov 18 2008 Artist Wants Webcam Installed In Eyeball

San Francisco artist Tanya Vlach lost an eye in a car accident several years ago. And now she wants a webcam installed in her prosthetic, because she's a badass.

Tanya reasons that her aesthetic-only eye could become a source of "augmented reality," and she's got a list of possible specs up on her blog for would-be engineers to begin with. Just some of the things mentioned for inclusion are: DVR capabilities, MPEG-4 compression, a microSD slot, A/V out, and Bluetooth.

Tanya,

While a webcam eyeball would be cool, particularly if you spend a significant portion of your day in the women's locker room or staring at your own privates, I believe there are bigger fish to fry -- with a laser eye. PEW PEW!

Yours truly,

The Geekologie Writer

Monocular San Francisco artist wants webcam installed in her prosthetic eye [engadget]

Thanks to Captain Pants and Allegro, who, for the tips, get their choice of a free pegleg or eye patch.

Oct 7 2008 Virgin Galactic Refuses Money For Space Porn

Virgin Galactic recently refused $1 million from an undisclosed company to make a space porn aboard the SpaceShipTwo.

The cash was slapped on the table "up-front, for a sex-in-space movie", said the company's prez, Will Whitehorn, According to Space.com. He confirmed: "That was money we had to refuse, I'm afraid."

According to Virgin, you only experience 5-minutes of weightlessness during the 2-hour flight to 62 miles high. Now I'm not saying that's not nearly long enough to make a good weightless space-porn, but you send me up there and I'll shoot two. Half of a third.

Virgin rejects $1m space sex offer [theregister]

Thanks to Pat, who's up to his eyeballs in alien vagina.

Oct 1 2008 eBay: Castle Crashing With Your Own Ballista

Some crazy mothers in the United Kingdom are selling a full-size Roman ballista on eBay.

Yes, this is for real. We are selling a full-size Roman siege catapult (or ballista), which we believe to be the only one of its kind (for at least 2000 years).

The catapult was recreated by a team of experts, following all known records, as accurately as possible - and then successfully fired. It was created for the BBC, for a programme called Building the Impossible, in 2002. It was built by the timber-frame team at Carpenter Oak & Woodland.

The ballista weighs approx 12 tons so postage or even buyer collection is not an option. Fully built, it is approx 7.5 metres tall and 8.5 metres long.

Originally, this cost over £120,000 to build - so we are only looking for serious bidders.

The bidding starts at £25,000 ($44,500) and I'm totally gonna buy it and lay siege to the neighbor's house. That'll teach the lazy asshole a thing or two about keeping his lawn mowed. PEW!

Hit the jump for a video of the beast in action and a link to the auction.

Continue Reading " eBay: Castle Crashing With Your Own Ballista "

Sep 22 2008 DIY: Your Own Sweet Laser Tag Setup

Let's face it, no other sport has as high a PEW PEW PEW factor as good old fashioned laser tag. Unfortunately, a quality rig is pretty expensive. So what's a boy to do? Simple, make your own.

This homebrew LaserTag game uses a cheap laser pointer combined with a toy gun and a PIC16F628A microcontroller that connects up to a piezo transducer which is used for producing various beeps. The 5 pin header plug at the bottom of the device is used to connect to a programmer for in-circuit programming.

As cool as this system looks, there's just no way it compares to the feeling you get when braining an opponent with a Mag-lite.

Build your own laser tag system [make]
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Homemade laser tag makes laser tag that much dorkier [dvice]

Aug 6 2008 Star Trek Online Going Online, Sometime

Star Trek Online is going to be unveiled in a little over four days at the Star Trek Convention in Las Vegas (August 10th). Leonard Nimoy is set to make the announcement and show some actual gameplay footage. In case you were wondering, it's going to be a MMORPGLOLROTFLMFAO that takes place in the Star Trek universe. For those of you too lazy to go to the website:

Become part of Star Trek®: The Star Trek universe will appear for the first time in a massively multiplayer online game. Everything from the elegant domes of Starfleet Academy to the ancient temples of Vulcan, from the towers of Qo'noS to the Fire Caves of Bajor, from the mysterious Mutara Nebula to the unexplored voids of deep space, all will be represented in stunning 3-D graphics. Immerse yourself in the future of the Trek universe as it moves into the 25th century: a time of shifting alliances and new discoveries.

Adventure in the Final Frontier: Explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations in an expanding vast universe. Make contact with alien races, discover resources and uncover mysteries that will change the future of the Star Trek universe.

You Are the Captain: Command your own starship as a Federation Captain or a Klingon Warrior. Outfit it with the systems that you need to make your mark in the galaxy. Customize your ship as you see fit. Recruit, train and mold your crew into an elite force for exploration and combat.

Boy am I excited. But truthfully, there's still only one way to play Star Trek, and that's dressed in a Starfleet jumpsuit you made out of your old highschool track uniform while sitting in a cardboard Enterprise. Want to play? Good, I'll be Geordi La Forge. Okay, now where the hell is my VISOR? Oh, great. Godammit woman, I told you that is NOT your hairband anymore, that's my freaking VISOR! I need it to see.

Star Trek Online

Thanks Zakkmiester, live long and prosper. And also, ass. Get a lot of ass.

Jul 31 2008 Air Force Seeks Anti-PEW-PEW Spray

In a recent request for proposals, the Air Force has asked for the development of an anti-laser spray or embeddable layer than can be retrofitted on equipment and prevent it from being damaged by pew-pews for up to five seconds.

The idea isn't to render the weapons "impervious" to ray gun blasts. The Air Force just wants the shield to delay the laser burning through a weapon's skin -- five seconds or so ought to do the job. The best way to make it happen, the service believes, is with "a thermal protection coating (e.g., spray-on) or a broadband reflector embedded layer on [the] munition['s] skin."

Basically, we want to be able to get a missile to target without being lasered out of the sky. After skimming over the request (okay, so I didn't actually read it), I quickly filed a proposal.

To: Whoever dishes out the grant money
From: The Geekologie Writer
Subject: Request For Anti-Pew-Pew Technology

Two words: Duct to the muthaf***in' tape. Cash or Paypal preferred. Thank you.

CHA-CHING!

Note: The video just demonstrates how laser shoot downs work.

Air Force Looks to Laser-Proof Its Weapons [wired]

Thanks to Richie, who actually coined the term "anti-pew-pew-spray".

Jul 29 2008 T.I.E. Fighter Model Used In Star Wars: A New Hope On eBay, More Than You Can Afford

Want the T.I.E. Fighter model that was used in Star Wars: A New Hope? The one that hit Vader's ship? Well now you can, it's on eBay.

903. Original T.I.E. Fighter filming miniature and original camera reports from Star Wars: A New Hope. (TCF, 1977) During the nail-biting assault on the Death Star in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, this is the actual filming miniature of the T.I.E. Fighter that bumps into Darth Vader's fighter knocking him out of the trench, allowing Luke to destroy the Death Star. This historic piece is from the collection of Academy Award-winning Visual Effects wizard, Richard Edlund. The design concepts for the T.I.E. (Twin Ion Engine) Fighters of the Galactic Empire originally came from Colin Cantwell and Ralph McQuarrie. Joe Johnston, who was the visual effects art director and overall storyboard artist for the entire trilogy was very involved in the final finessing of the ships and Death Star designs. Only four T.I.E. Fighters were built for the first Star Wars film. Grant McCune, head of the model shop, used a fairly heavy but stable resin for the body of the ship and other resins for the tinier parts. It has a central hollow aluminum knuckle with six-way threadings for top, bottom, front, back, left and right side mounting options with 11/16 in. hollow threaded rods as wiring conduits which attached to the various self-lit neon blue pylons. The hexagonal wings are created of fine expanded metal sheeting. Much of the intricate design detail was robbed from plastic model kits, then modified and affixed.

Unfortunately, the little thing is only 18" H x 14" W, so there goes using it as a treehouse. So, what can one expect to pay for such a diminutive T.I.E. Fighter? How about $170,000? Yeah. There's never been a better time to kidnap, extort, blackmail, and/or auction your hitman services. I'll start by knocking off The Superficial Writer. Do I hear $10? $5? $1? 2-for-1 Whopper card? Fine cheapskates, but this is your only freebee.

Hit the jump for several more pictures and a link to the auction.

Continue Reading " T.I.E. Fighter Model Used In Star Wars: A New Hope On eBay, More Than You Can Afford "

Jul 22 2008 Kid Makes Cardboard Halo Weapons

What good is cardboard Halo armor if you don't have matching cardboard weapons to wave around? Exactly, no good. That's why Youtube user fartbuttface (who looks and sounds suspiciously like my little brother) made them all in his parent's garage. On the pool table. Next to his Litttle Tikes play car. I love how you can hear the crinkle of packing tape whenever he moves around, that's a sign of quality. The video is kind of long, so feel free to skip around. But make sure to hit 0:35 for some teabagging/Halo humping action, 2:20 for how to reload the rocket launcher with wrapping paper tubes, and 3:15 when he totally should have mounted his machine gun on the Little Tikes car and pretended it was a Warthog. Good job, little guy. You keep this up this level of dedication and you've got a bright future in virginity ahead of you. Kidding, I'm just jealous my mommy doesn't let me make cardboard guns. She's teaching me to cross-stitch.

Hit the jump for a couple more of his videos, including one of him running around in the woods behind his parent's house in full Halo regalia and another of him pointing his sniper rifle at his neighbor's house. If you're really bored at work today you can read some of the comments on his videos at Youtube. There's some funny stuff in there.

Continue Reading " Kid Makes Cardboard Halo Weapons "