Nov 19 2009 Laser Crosswalks: Because Pews = Safety

Laser Crosswalks are the crosswalks of the future. You can tell because it has 'laser' in the name. Pretty much anything with 'laser' in it is gonna be a huge hit in the future (including cereal). Don't believe me? Just stare at this laser eye-toy for a minute. Aaaaand now you're blind.

The Virtual Wall is designed as a replacement for traffic lights and if made would use "plasma laser beams" to project silhouettes of moving people into the path of oncoming traffic.

Supposedly this would calm traffic and make drivers more careful around the soft humans as they cross the street. I'd say it would be more likely that the appearance of giant red figures before the windshield would cause panic, crashing and general mayhem.

Hell yes, giant red laser-people. *pew pew* means walk! Plus, if you try driving through it the lasers should cut you up into little pieces. Don't act like we don't have that technology! We have that technology.

Laser Wall Replaces Traffic Light [wired]

Thanks to Fnahra tha evur livin, who loves lasers almost as much as I do but not quite because I have laser-vision. Yeah, so there, Fnahra.

Nov 17 2009 There's Got To Be An Easier Way: Guy Uses Crane-Lifted Lawnmower To Trim His Hedge

In a feat of extreme-mowing, two men in Cambridge, New Zealand used a crane to lift a lawnmower high enough to trim one's overgrown hedges. Nice, guys, I like the way you think -- EXXXTREME!!

The operator, who did not want to be named, is now nursing a broken hand, but said it wasn't a fall from the mower that caused the injury but one off the crane.

He admitted it was not the safest method of trimming the hedge, but said it was all done as a bit of a joke.

They wanted to film the stunt, put it on the internet and see how many hits it got, but in the end had no video camera.

That, my friends, is pathetic. Not only a broken hand BUT NO VIDEO. WTF?! I demand a re-do. But this time with fireworks shooting out the back. Oooh, and bikini girls. Plus more injuries. I suggest fraying the cables and loosening the mower blade. YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE CENTURY! And I want producer credit.

High rider trims his hedge [stuff]

Thanks to Patrick, who trims his hedge the old fashioned way: with a straight-razor. Yikes!

Nov 1 2009 Sure, Why Not?: Driving Around In A Half-Car

Ever wanted to see some crazy Serbian driving around in car that's been cut in half? Then today's your lucky day! I kept waiting for him to flip the thing over on himself but the physics weren't there. And speaking of crazy Serbians: I used to know one. He drove a bright yellow VW GTI with a matching smiley face air freshener hanging from the rearview and an AK-47 in the trunk. I never rode with him.

Youtube

Thanks to alex, who claims he could do the same thing with a 1/4 car.

Oct 15 2009 UPDATE: 6-Year Old (NOT) Floating Around In Homemade UFO Balloon

That's no 'Get Well' balloon, that's a 20' foil aircraft with a 6-year old boy inside, floating aimlessly 8,000 feet above eastern Colorado. Uh-oh.

The helium balloon was tethered to the boy's family home in Fort Collins, the Larimer County Sheriff's Department said. The boy got into the craft Thursday morning and undid the rope anchoring it.

Margie Martinez of the Weld County Sheriff's Office said a sibling saw the boy climb into the basket before the balloon took off. Since the door on the balloon was unlocked, Martinez said it's possible the boy had fallen out.

"The structure at the bottom of the balloon that the boy is in is made of extremely thin plywood and won't withstand any kind of a crash at all," said Erik Nilsson, Larimer County emergency manager, according to CNN affiliate KMGH.

Great, so he either fell out or won't survive the crash. Hooray for positive thinking. Come back down safely, balloon boy.

UPDATE: No boy when balloon landed. Not good.

UPDATE UPDATE: Falcon (the boy's actual name) was found hiding in a box in the garage attic (great search effort). This calls for celebration! (you hold him down, I'll tie on the fireworks)

6-year-old Colorado boy floats away in balloon [cnn]

Thanks to Jimmothy, stacy, jordana, dorothy, NICKSTER, rya, Jake, e.,The Superficial Writer, steven, Nigel, Valhalla, Lizzie, Noah and pepe la PEW PEW, whose parents thankfully never let them play around giant UFO balloons unsupervised.

Oct 12 2009 Good Ideas: Roofie Detecting Lip Balm

2 Love My Lips is $16 lip gloss that comes with test strips to determine if your drink has been roofied with drugs like GHB or Ketamine. It's a smart idea and I urge everyone to keep a close eye on their beverages at all times (and not just because I'll ninja-drink that shit, but I 100% will).

"If a drink tastes funny, or you are suspicious something is amiss simply dab the ends of the taper in your drink and if they turn blue tell your friends immediately and get help from Security and the Police."

Seriously, roofies are no laughing matter and if you suspect your drink's been spiked I want you to ask me to chug it. BECAUSE I WOULD DO THAT FOR YOU. Knight in shining armor? No, I'm trying to forget that bad.

Drug Detecting Lip Gloss Sniffs Out Roofies [gizmodo]

Oct 1 2009 Looks Safe To Me: A Power Line Bridge

This is a picture of Philippine residents using power lines as a bridge in wake of the recent Typhoon Ketsana (bitch). EDIT: It is sad and Geekologie wishes everyone affected the best. Plus jetpacks.

Using Power Lines as a Bridge Seems Incredibly Dangerous [gizmodo]

Sep 17 2009 How To Light A Grill With Liquid Oxygen

First of all, I'm not convinced liquid oxygen is real because, if it is, why can't I breath underwater? I want a merman, damnit. But if it is real, this is a video of Theo Gray lighting a charcoal grill with the stuff. Apparently it's dangerous, but I find it hard to believe. I mean, it's just a liquid. Jesus, it's not like I just ate and wanna go swimming in the stuff.

Lighting a Grill with Liquid Oxygen Is the Opposite of Safe [gizmodo]

Thanks to Van, who may or may not house a real husky bastard down by the river.

Sep 16 2009 But I Was Gonna Eat That!: 'Danger: High Voltage' As Demonstrated By A Watermelon

You know how all those high-voltage capacitors have warning signs that tell you not to sit on them or play around them but you do anyways because you're an ultra-L337 badass from the planet Choke-slam? Well this is a video demonstration of what can happen if a drunk electrical worker accidentally left some of the wires exposed and you sat on them. Except, in this demo they use a watermelon instead of your buttocks. The same thing would happen to your ass though, trust me. You see these? *knock knock knock* Wooden cheeks. I'm just like George Washington! Except way handsomer and a better leader.

So, This Is What Those High Voltage Danger Signs Mean [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who actually taught 'ol George how to make love like an eagle falling out of the sky.

Sep 4 2009 Balls Of Steel: F-18 Hornet Buzzes Man's Head

This is a video of an F-18 Hornet buzzing some guy's head so close you can taste the jet fuel. Now I'm not saying this thing would kill you if it hit you, but it would certainly mess your hair up. Also, not to brag or nothin', but one time I let a jet land ON MY FACE. Now who's the man?!

F-18 Hornet Ultra Low High Speed Fly By [todaysbigthing]

Thanks to Matt, who once flew a prop-plane through a barn and accidentally hit a chicken.

Aug 30 2009 Crazy Fool Is "Friends" With A Pack Of Lions

This crazy damn fool, Kevin Richardson, runs a wildlife refuge in South Africa and has become a member of a pack of lions. It is probably the awesomest and stupidest thing I've ever seen (and I once saw a friend jump off the top of his parents' townhouse with a trashbag parachute). Just sayin', you remember how Grizzly Man ended, don't you? SPOILER ALERT: As a giant Timmy Treadwell-shaped grizzly turd. But who am I to judge? I'm just a regular guy who bangs dinos. RAWR! YES....YES....EAT ME NOOOOOOOW!

Youtube

Thanks to Asbo, who was once accepted into a pod of whales but was later rejected when he tried to suckle one's teat.

Aug 28 2009 I'd Sleep Under That: Mega Man 2 Chain Mail

From the same maker as last week's chain mail chess set comes this awesome Mega Man 2 chain mail blanket/wall hanging. I know this little picture doesn't do it justice so click HERE to see a higher res version. Then, click HERE to discover life's greatest secrets. Oh, sorry, hyperlink must be broken (tricked you!).

After one and a half years, the Megaman II Project is finally finished. The dimensions are 38" x 45", as it hangs on the wall, and its total weight is over 16 pounds.

Ring Count: 63,608

Can you imagine crimping 63,000 little rings together? Because I can't. And not just because I'd probably swallow a half dozen for every ten I got together, but I would. I LIKE TO PUT THINGS IN MY MOUTH, OKAY? Just saying, good thing I can type without looking. Those consonants -- delicioso!

Project Page [chainmailbasket]

Thanks to NES--still-the-best, who won't even talk to you about playing Genesis.

Aug 28 2009 Real Life Mario Kart Go-Kart Is Super Scary

This is a video of a go-kart with a Honda CBR 900RR motorcycle engine in it. It's the closest thing to a real Mario Kart I've ever seen. I love how the guy driving doesn't even bother wearing a helmet. Because, honestly, heads are overrated, especially when you're drifting into a curve at a billion miles an hour. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I would have turbo-boosted through those turns, nancy boy!

900RR Go Kart is pure awesome [videosift]

Thanks deadbodyman -- say, you mind helping me get rid of this thing in my trunk?

Jul 28 2009 Russian Pilot Ejecting From Plane At Mach 2

Growing up, my dad would only slow to 25MPH to drop me off at school, so I'm no stranger to bailing out of moving vehicles. Just not at Mach 2. That's crazy talk. Now don't get me wrong, I would still do it. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A DANG.

Movie producers paid two Sukhoi Su-35 pilots to fly without a canopy at Mach 2.0, and have one of them eject in what probably is one of the most dangerous stunts ever filmed.

Two words, Russian movie producers: special effects. Just throwing that out there.

Hit the jump for a shot of the remaining pilot flying with no canopy.

Continue Reading " Russian Pilot Ejecting From Plane At Mach 2 "

Jul 7 2009 Laser LightLane Creates Your Own Bike Lane

You know what I hate about bicycling? All the pedaling. I have tiny chicken legs and can't even pedal my Big Wheels to the mailbox without running out of steam and crashing into the azaleas. But for your hardier folk, the LightLane is a little laser system that attaches to your bike and provides you with a laser-line bike lane wherever you go. Clever idea. Now are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you answered, "no officer, I was not swerving, I was following the bike lane," you are!

LightLane

Thanks to Rogefgv, Romeo and Mandy, who ride those bikes with the giant ass wheel in the front and the little tiny one in the back. Because they're oldschool killas.

Jun 15 2009 Alleged Anti-Stab Knife Won't Stab To Kill

Allegedly this New Point knife was designed to be unable to stab someone to death. Questionable, I know.

Mr Cornock, 42, from Swindon, said that the knife will cut vegetables, but will make it almost impossible to stab someone to death and will reduce the risk of accidental injuries.

He said: "It can never be a totally safe knife, but the idea is you can't inflict a fatal wound. Nobody could just grab one out of the kitchen drawer and kill someone.

I call shenanigans. There's no such thing as a stab-proof knife. I could hands-down kill somebody (or something -- I'm looking at you, zombie robot) with this thing. Shit, one time I stabbed a guy to death with a brick.

First Anti-Stab Knife Prevents Deadly Kitchen "Accidents" [gizmodo]

Thanks to Pew³, who doesn't need knives because the dude's made of lasers.

Jun 15 2009 Tactical Corsets Provide Pew Pew Protection

Tactical Corsets are "high-fashion high-function clothes for empowered women" and are available with or without body armor depending on the level of "action" you see on a day to day basis.

Tactical gear is no longer an all boys club. Tactical Corsets bring female operators MILSPEC features like MOLLE modular pouch attachment webbing and self-adjustable quick-release buckles in a load-bearing carrier designed to support the female form.

Count me in. And by me and I mean you, ladies. Okay, and me. What -- I look good in black! Also, stilettos.

Tactical Corsets

Thanks to Watch-303, who once took out a whole tribe of amazon women but made them all pay for their own dinners.

May 16 2009 Looks Safe: Setting Jet Pack Speed Records

This is a video of Jetpack International trying to raise the airspeed record for jetpacking. Because, well, you've gotta start somewhere.

This is not especially difficult to do, considering that jetpack airspeed records don't really exist yet, but when you only have 30 or 40 seconds of fuel, you have to make sure and remember to leave yourself enough time to slow down.

The actual jetpacking starts at around 1:30, but whoever edited the video did a pretty shitty job and loves slow motion too much. Still, dude gets up to 61MPH. Which is impressive considering he's towing like 30lb balls.

Jet Pack Speed Record [ohgizmo]

May 13 2009 UPDATE: Zapatag Calls Out Bad Drivers

Zapatag is a user submitted database of bad/inconsiderate/female/rude/raging drivers' license plate numbers and their alleged infractions. I have no idea of the legality of such a system, but quite frankly, I don't care -- I think this is a great idea. Provided, of course, I never see a GK WRITR tag pop up. If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! That said, I change my mind about the GK WRITR thing -- make as many sightings as you can around the DC area talking about how handsome I am and how I can make light turns green by unbuttoning my shirt. Also, maybe mention that it looked like my truck was dragging its muffler but it turned out to be my penis. Ladies?

UPDATE: Click HERE to see all my infractions to date.

Zapatag

Thanks to The Jerk, who already has like fifty listings.

May 5 2009 Sap Cap Is Actually A Weapon In Disguise

The Sap Cap is no ordinary headwear. Oh no, the baseball hat actually has a pocket of "unique impact material that is 110% the density of lead and will not rust" sewn into the back. Granted it's no Oddjob razor hat, but may do in a pinch (also: your clumsy ass would probably cut your own arm off with an Oddjob hat). Just remove the cap, hold by the brim, and proceed to brain your opponent. Now call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a sock full of quarters. Not only is it a lethal weapon, but you can also pay strangers' expired parking meters. But not too many! Lest you find yourself wielding an empty sock. Which, as I'm sure you all know, is only effective for beating yourself. BOOM SHACKA LACKA!

Sap Cap turns your hat into a deadly weapon [dvice]

May 4 2009 Steampunk 'Massager' Really Steam Powered

This steampunk vibrator was created by metal worker Ani Niow and really works, provided you don't mind melting your hand off to pleasure yourself (I came close once after a 14 hour marathon).

While it technically does run off steam, Niow cautions you'll need to wear insulated welding gloves to handle it without getting burned. This is why she's temporarily using compressed air for now.

If she can secure a smaller portable boiler she'll give the thing a run at full power, as was intended.

Good looking, Ani, I like a hint of danger in my sex life. Reminds me of the time I used a live crocodile for a condom.

Fully Functional Steampunk Vibrator Might Scald Your Privates [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who tried dating a toaster but ended up getting burned.