Dec 11 2008 Oh Snap, There's A Zune Phone Coming!

Or is there? I don't know, I'm not good at speculation. But I am good at making shit up. And also, making out. Ladies?

According to Trip Chowdhry, an analyst at Global Equities Research, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will announce a Zune-style mobile device during his keynote address at the upcoming Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, on January 7, 2009. In an article in Barron's, Chowdhry claims that the company's new centerpiece will combine the best features of the Zune media player with the hardware design of Danger's mobile Sidekick, in addition to "motion enhancement features," like an accelerometer.

Basically, this means the device will come with a physical keyboard like HTC's G1 and will likely feature a larger screen to accommodate heavy multimedia elements. And since we're all here copying each other's mobile phone features, we'll be shocked if the Zune phone doesn't feature multitouch capabilities.

Wow, way to make my new-phone boner shrivel like a century-old prune. Microsoft, Microsoft, Microsoft. Did you not learn anything from yesterday's lesson? Are you trying to drop hints about a new phone or not? If so, this is how it's done:

Steve Ballmer: Zune phone? Who said anything about a Zune phone? Psyche -- gimme them digits, bitches! BA-DOW!

Remember Microsoft, I'm still available for hire.

Rumor: Zune Phone Is Coming to CES 2009 [wired]

Thanks to Ain, who doesn't need a cellphone because he has two tin cans and long piece of string in his treefort.

Sep 2 2008 Teddy Bear Phone Actually Being Made?

Willcom recently displayed a new phone at the 2008 Good Design Expo in Japan. But it doesn't stream classic 70's porno flicks or have a built in taser. Nope, The Kuma Phone just comes in the form factor of a teddy bear. The sick thing is the company actually wants to make the damn things, at $500 a pop.

It has a SIM card inside just like a real cell phone, and even stores four speed dial numbers, accessed through paw-squeezes. Awww. It vibrates and makes noises when you have incoming calls. When you get a call, just answer by gripping the bear's tail and end the call in the same way.

Awesome! One time I dropped a bunch of acid on a camping trip and a squirrel spoke to me. You know what the old and wise Rococo The Acorn Eater said? He said, "the meaning of life lies within the bear's nads". So, by deduction, the meaning of life is either monster testicles or, uh, cell phone parts.

Teddy Bear concept phone is just wrong [slipperybrick]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who once spoke into a Grizzly's balls and can now levitate and turn invisible at will.