Nov 19 2009 Laser Crosswalks: Because Pews = Safety

Laser Crosswalks are the crosswalks of the future. You can tell because it has 'laser' in the name. Pretty much anything with 'laser' in it is gonna be a huge hit in the future (including cereal). Don't believe me? Just stare at this laser eye-toy for a minute. Aaaaand now you're blind.

The Virtual Wall is designed as a replacement for traffic lights and if made would use "plasma laser beams" to project silhouettes of moving people into the path of oncoming traffic.

Supposedly this would calm traffic and make drivers more careful around the soft humans as they cross the street. I'd say it would be more likely that the appearance of giant red figures before the windshield would cause panic, crashing and general mayhem.

Hell yes, giant red laser-people. *pew pew* means walk! Plus, if you try driving through it the lasers should cut you up into little pieces. Don't act like we don't have that technology! We have that technology.

Laser Wall Replaces Traffic Light [wired]

Thanks to Fnahra tha evur livin, who loves lasers almost as much as I do but not quite because I have laser-vision. Yeah, so there, Fnahra.

Oct 10 2009 They're Good For Something: Dead Fly Art

Dead fly art: it just makes sense. Now I don't really want to go into the kind of person it takes to collect dead flies and glue them to a piece of paper to make "art", but suffice it to say they're our kinda person. Plus, I really dig the final results. Well, except for the moth in the last piece -- didn't see that one coming!

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " They're Good For Something: Dead Fly Art "

Sep 16 2009 Don't Friend Your Mom: More Facebook Fails

You gotta love it when your mom publicly congratulates you on Facebook for breaking your spell of sexlessness. Isn't that right, mom? *high-five* But seriously, knock next time. Also, this sock needs washing.

Hit the jump for three more Facebook faux pas.

Continue Reading " Don't Friend Your Mom: More Facebook Fails "

Aug 29 2009 Classy: This Video Game Shopper At Walmart

That's not even a shirt, that's a baby blanket with a hole in the middle. This guy: because Lego Star Wars can't wait for decency.

Walmart Gadget Shoppers Sometime Look Like THIS [gizmodo]

May 15 2009 Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany

What you're looking at is believed to be the oldest sculpture of a human found to date, and was carved out of a mammoth's tusk. That's right, mammoth -- the very same mount Jesus used to ride into battle. Wow!

The distorted object, which portrays a woman with huge breasts, big buttocks and exaggerated genitals, is thought to be at least 35,000 years old.

The 6cm-tall figurine, reported in the journal Nature, is the latest find to come from Hohle Fels Cave in Germany.

"I think there are good reasons to emphasise sexual interpretations, but we really don't know whether it is coming from a more male or a more female perspective. We don't know very much about how the artefact was used."

Oh man, those cave people were a classy bunch, were they not? They so were. And such the artisans. But seriously, is that really the way women used to look back then? Because, if so, BBW AND mammoths? *firing up time machine* Somebody smells a threesome!

Hit the jump for another picture with more angles.

Continue Reading " Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany "

Apr 28 2009 Hmm: TIME's 2009 Most Influential People

Finds moot, the founder of 4chan, at the top of the 100 finalists. Anonymous, did you have anything do with this? Per tipster, z4x0r:

The TIME 2009 Top 100 Most Influential People list's polls have closed, resulting in moot, the founder of 4chan, to be named as the most influential person of 2009. This is clearly due to a massive collaboration on behalf of Anonymous (note: 16,794,368 votes, compared to 2nd place, 2,316,378.) Also to be noted, the first letter of each name, read downward, spells "Marblecake, also, the game." This was also a goal of Anonymous, to spell this particular sentence, in which they succeeded.

Keep up the good work, GW.

Hell yeah I left the 'keep up the good work, GW' in there. That's the shit that makes me wake up every morning. Well, that and napalm (love the smell). Hit the jump to see the top of the list, which does, in fact, spell 'MARBLECAKE (you don't want to know) ALSO THE GAME'. Coincidence, or Scientology is utter bullshit? You be the judge.

Hit it, anon.

Continue Reading " Hmm: TIME's 2009 Most Influential People "

Apr 27 2009 Tracking The Swine Flu With Google Maps

You can now track the swine flu with Google Maps by going HERE. If a marker appears in your town, and you're a chick, take naked pictures of yourself and email them to me for verification I don't care what you do if you're a dude, but no naked pictures, please. Also, I'm a little pissed at whoever started this damn flu pandemic in the first place. I'm looking at you, bacon hater. THE PORK GOD DEMANDS APPEASEMENT!

Google Maps

Thanks to Romeo and Frank B., who would much prefer the chicken pox.

Apr 9 2009 Time Appropriate: A Gallery Of Last Suppers

Just in time for Easter comes a gallery of last suppers, many of which with a geek twist to them. I posted a few of my favorites after the jump (including Popeye and Battlestar Galactica) but Popped Culture has 101 of them, so be sure to hit their link and see them all (in HQ to boot). And, speaking of last suppers: a small salad and two pieces of reheated pizza. Ha, I kid: two fifths of gin and a whole bear steak. Raw. It's an aphrodisiac you know. Like tiger penis, but boneless.

PUSH HIT IT REAL GOOD FOR THE REST.

Continue Reading " Time Appropriate: A Gallery Of Last Suppers "

Apr 5 2009 Friend Me: Celebrities' Fake Facebook Pages

For fun on April 1st, PC World Magazine made a bunch of fake Facebook pages for celebrities (we've already seen God's), including, and pretty much limited to: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elvis, Andy Warhol, Satan, Rush Limbaugh, Hillary Clinton, Dr. Manhattan and William Shakespeare. I posted a little of Mr. Gates' there so you could get an idea of what to expect. Go HERE if you want to check them out in their full detail. And if not, hey, we can still be friends. Facebook friends! Seriously, my friend list is empty without you. Haha, I just sent you a virtual bumper sticker, now Superpoke me!

UPDATE: Readers Jess and Zeyd sent me the Facebook page of Greek mythology students. You can see it HERE.

Facebook Pages We'd Like to See [pcworld]

Thanks to Rafi, who still hasn't accepted my friend request. Seriously, just hit the button, bro.

Apr 3 2009 I Want: Jackets Made From Blow-Up Dolls

You heard right, 31-year old Utrecht-based designer Sander Reijgers modifies track jackets with parts from blow-up dolls to make them mad sexy. It's about time!

I customize existing tracksuit tops with parts of the blow-up dolls: the head, the breasts, the vagina, the anus. These dolls are so ugly and vulgar that turning them into something beautiful has become a challenge for me. The doll is a means to convey something else.

ZOMG, I want one! Except I want mine to have like a hundred vaginas and two nipples on the head like little antennae. Wait till the people on the bus seem me! "ZIP ZAP, I AM FROM MARS."

Hit the jump to see several better ones, I only chose this picture for the front page because of that junkie's ass.

Continue Reading " I Want: Jackets Made From Blow-Up Dolls "

Mar 20 2009 Bus Stop Shames You Into Joining The Gym

Fitness First is a gym in the Netherlands that installed this advertisement at a local bus stop. It has a scale attached to the seat so when you sit on it (with legs hanging) it shows your weight. It's supposed to make you think about your health and joining the gym. But all it made me think about was how long it takes to cook a 68kg turkey.

Fat Shaming at the Bus Stop [current]

Thanks to Jonathan, who once hid lead weights in his pumpkin to win the heaviest pumpkin contest at the county fair.

Feb 13 2009 I Swear, People Google The Weirdest Things

People really search for the darndest things. Using Google auto-complete, you can see just how screwed up people out there on the web really are. And yes, these are the same people responding to your singles ad. Typing the words in bold will result in the following:

• 883,000,000: Why do I have no friends.
• 7,570,000: Why do I have diarrhea.
• 4,170,000: Why do I have so much discharge.
• 7,120,000: Why do I have to pee so much.
• 230,000,000: Why do I have gas or so much gas.
• 456,000: Why do men have nipples.
• 6,000,000: Why men don't call.
• 8,380,000: Why men lie.
• 4,980,000: I want a new drug.
• 114,000,000: I want a wife.
• 783,000: I have one testicle.
• 21,900,000: I have one more drink.
• 12,400,000: I have three breasts.
• 320,000: I have three testicles.
• 1,580,000: I have three girlfriends.
• 42,300: Why Luke Skywalker is an idiot.
• 1,610,000: I would like to buy a hamburger.
• 286,000: I would like to extend you an invitation to the pants party.
• 818,000: I think im pregnant.
• 442,000: I hate Indiana Jones 4.

Neat. Now do some Googling of your own and post the funniest results in the comments. And also, a current picture. Are you really as pretty as I imagine?

Google Proves Humanity Is Sick and Sad, Yet Absolutely Hilarious [google]

Jan 25 2009 T-Mobile's Dance Spectacular Commercial

This is a recent commercial from T-Mobile that is almost identical in execution to this stunt (the second video), except there's like a billion times more dancing in this one. Basically a bunch of confederates (damn you, the north!) are walking around in a train station when they bust out in dance and get all wild up in that bitch while onlookers go "what the f***?" and a couple old people question if they remembered to take their medication. Good times. Oh man -- can you imagine if you were just been passing through on your way to catch a train? You'd have missed it. Then been pissed.

Youtube

Thanks to Jon and Mr M, who did a dance number in the middle school talent show but got booed off stage so they set off a stink-bomb in the back of the auditorium.

Jan 25 2009 Eye Candy: A 1,474 Megapixel Inauguration Photo With Sweet Zoom-In Capabilities

Oh man, you can actually zoom in on faces in the audience and see the snot dripping.

But what you're looking at is not a single image. The photo, which was shot using a Canon G10 and Gigapan Imager, is comprised of over 200 different shots that were then combined over the course of six hours using Gigapan software. The final product has a resolution of 1,474 megapixels and a TIF file size of almost 2 gigabytes

Pretty freaking awesome. So go HERE to explore the image for yourself. It's fun, I spent the better part of five minutes celebrity-hunting in the audience. Thought I spotted Oprah, but it was just some no-name with a turkey drumstick.

Fullscreen Inauguration Gigapan Viewer
via
Panaramic Inaugural Photo [ign]

Thanks to Matt and Hanes, who were both invited to the inauguration but fell in the reflecting pool and had to go home and change clothes, missing it.

Jan 15 2009 Obama's Inauguration In LEGO Form

LEGOLAND California has a new scene on display from now until Memorial Day -- the 56th Presidential Inauguration featuring Barack Obama and a thousand other plastic figurines that only slightly resemble who they're supposed to!

More than one-thousand mini-figures have been created out of thousands of LEGO bricks to be a part of the festivities. Mini-figures include President-elect Obama and his family, Vice President-elect Joseph Biden and Jill Biden, President George Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and Lynn Cheney along with former President George Bush Sr. and Barbara Bush. Other mini-figures depicting ceremony participants include: Senator Dianne Feinstein, Dr. Rick Warren, Aretha Franklin, John Williams and performers Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo-Ma, Gabriela Montero, Anthony McGill, the Unites States Marine Band, the San Francisco Boys Chorus and the San Francisco Girls Chorus. Park guests can also find Oprah Winfrey in the crowd witnessing this momentous event...

Wow, sounds like some real eye-candy. Too bad I'm going to the actual inauguration. Look for me -- I'll be the one carrying the 'Geekologie Writer In 2011' sign. I know, I was drunk when I got them printed.

Obama's Inauguration, in Legos [themeparkinsider]

Thanks to Bryan, who, for the tip, gets a spot in my cabinet. My liquor cabinet. HIYO! Kidding Bryan, hands off my booze.

Jan 9 2009 Obama Requests Extension For Analog TV Shutdown. Confused Grandparents Rejoice, But Don't Really Know What's Happening.

President-elect Barack Obama requested Congress extend the analog television cut-off date because inadequate funding and flaws in the converter box program. You know, because a bunch of people are stupid. And dumb. Mad dumb.

John Podesta, co-chair of the Obama-Biden transition team, requested that "the cut-off date (February 17th) for analog signals should be reconsidered and extended". The letter was sent this Thursday to the chairs and ranking Republicans on the House Energy & Commerce Committee and Senate Commerce Committee.

Apparently there is some concern that the inbreds will freak out and blame the new president when their picture-boxes stop working shortly after his inauguration. So better to postpone the shutdown and educate the yokels before things get out of hand. Uh-oh, and speaking of getting out of hand -- where'd my penis go?

Obama Asks Congress for Analog TV Shutdown Delay [gizmodo]

Oct 27 2008 ZOMG, Really? I'm So Shocked: Palin Halloween Effigy Stirs Controversy

West Hollywood resident Chad Michael Morisette, Alanis's talentless brother ( just kidding, no relation -- that we know of) hung a Sarah Palin effigy in front of his house as a Halloween decoration. Oh, and he also has a McCain mannequin coming out of a ring of fire. According to Chiz (can I call you Chiz?), "it should be seen as art, and as within the month of October. It's Halloween, it's time to be scary it's time to be spooky."

First of all Chaz (I'm calling you Chaz), I'm all about pushing limits, but this shit just isn't scary or spooky. She looks like Mary Poppins. And she doesn't even have eyes. Damnit, Clifford, I guess what I'm getting at is this: she's not MILF-y enough.

News video after the jump if you care.

Continue Reading " ZOMG, Really? I'm So Shocked: Palin Halloween Effigy Stirs Controversy "

Oct 23 2008 Man Divorces Woman's Avatar In Online World, Woman 'Kills' Man's Character

Jesus, women. Am I right? Am I left? I am left. Some guy divorced his online wife's avatar in "Maple Story", a Korean virtual world similar (but not really) to "Second Life", and she, in her resulting anger, killed his character.

A 43-year-old Japanese piano teacher's sudden divorce from her online husband in a virtual game world made her so angry that she logged on and killed his digital persona, police said Thursday.

The woman used login information she got from the 33-year-old office worker when their characters were happily married, and killed the character. The man complained to police when he discovered that his beloved online avatar was dead.

Guy was so broken up about his dead character he called the police and had the woman arrested.

She was charged with illegal access onto a computer and manipulating electronic data, police said. If convicted, she could face a prison term of up to five years or a fine up to $5,000.

This just goes to show you: people are crazy. Especially women. Can I get an amen? "AMEN!" Thank you, bitter divorcee. Say, this reminds me of a funny ex-wife story -- she's a freaking bitch!

Angry online divorcee 'kills' virtual ex-hubby [msnbc]

Thanks to Heather and Anthony, who do all of their living in the real world.

Sep 30 2008 Dorky Self Defense

This is an instructional video about how to defend yourself in the likely event that someone is attacking you because you looked at them funny. I tried a couple of the moves out on a coworker, and I must admit: there was some definite arousal.

Youtube

Thanks to P05TMAN, who'll get your shit delivered even after the Large Hadron Collider destroys the planet.

Sep 24 2008 PETA To Ben And Jerry's: Use Breast Milk

PETA, in their unending quest to make ice cream even more delicious, is urging Ben and Jerry's to start using human breast milk instead of cow milk.

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's. Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers--and cows--would reap the benefits.

The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Well, they do have a point there, the breast is best. But still -- human breast milk ice cream? I dunno....

UPDATE: LEGIT! Two scoops of Mammary Madness please!

The Breast Is Best! PETA Asks Ben & Jerry's to Dump Dairy and Go With Human Milk Instead [PETA]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who, despite the tip, is still a major dick.