Aug 27 2009 Cry Baby: Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat (R.I.P.)

NOTE: Video possibly NSFW due to cussing (GD) a couple times.

This post originally started as a tribute to Keyboard Cat, who I just found out passed away earlier this year (around May). But then I saw the play him off video featured above of a kid crying about a hockey game and filming it for his Youtube channel when his dad walks in and yells at him for being such an idiot moron. It is amazing. Not that I'd know anything about filming myself crying because sex tapes don't count, right? There was something in my eye!

Hit the jump for another classic play him off from Walker, Texas Ranger (it's even more f'ed up).

Continue Reading " Cry Baby: Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat (R.I.P.) "

Apr 29 2009 Spellbound Apprentice Casts Off Wizard Hat And Robe, Gets Tazed By The Po-diddly

NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW DUE TO THE WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS.

This is a video from Coachella of a wizard who refuses to put his hat and robe back on (you're doing it wrong!) and instead waves his minuscule penis around like Harry Potter trying to cast a spell of sadness on anyone foolish enough to look.

"It doesn't have to stop," the Naked Wizard says.

"I'll tell you what," the cop says. "You can have a great time -- but you can have an even better time if you put your clothes on...Can I get them for you?"

The officer grabs the gown and tosses to the Naked Wizard, but he casts it away again. Then the cops put on their rubber gloves, and things get ugly.

You really can't help but feel sorry for the guy. But, on the upside, this video should make you feel good about your own magic stick. So make sure to watch the video with your significant other while pointing at the dude's nubbin and telling them to be thankful. I swear, a naked wizard on drugs with the world's smallest penis getting tasered by the diddly -- is today my birthday or what?

Naked Wizard Taser Brawl At Coachella [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to A-lice in Wonderland and chainsawarms, who both noted the magician's wand was probably too small to cast any real dangerous spells.

Apr 28 2009 The 'Spinning From A Drill' World Record

Ever wanted to see some asshat set the world record for number of rotations completed (141) while hanging from a power drill mounted to the ceiling? Me neither. But I did watch it, and now it's your turn. And, if you just so happens you're one of those people that can't watch videos at work, congratulations, today's your lucky day.

Man Makes 141 Rotations Hanging From a Power Drill, Sets Stupid World Record [gizmodo]

Thanks to Eric, who holds the world record for beating up people with stupid world records. Uh-oh, Eric, you may have to punch yourself!

Apr 22 2009 Two Pennsylvania Men Set Texting Record

That's right, in a bid to be crowned the world's biggest losers, Nick Andes, 29 and Doug Klinger, 30, sent over 217,000 text messages during the month of March. Also, Nick was mistakenly sent a $27K phone bill (which has since been cleared up) for the textacular achievement. You two must be so proud.

Andes and Klinger were able to set up their phones to send multiple messages. During a February test run they found they could send 6,000 or 7,000 messages on some days, prompting the March messaging marathon.

"Most were either short phrases or one word, 'LOL' or 'Hello,' things like that, with tons and tons of repeats," said Andes, reached by phone.

Andes sent more than 140,000 messages, and Klinger sent more than 70,000 to end the month with a total of just over 217,000, he said.

Wow, that has got to be one of the saddest things I've ever copy/pasted. And this is coming from a guy who copy/pasted a picture of a smushed cat all around town to encourage people to drive slower. So yeah, I'm the authority. Now -- up against the wall and spread em! Wider. Haha, you ripped your pants.

Record attempt reaps 217K texts, $26K phone bill [myway]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who agrees some records are best left unbroken.

Apr 6 2009 Thief Uses Head As Battering Ram, Fails

A would-be thief tried to use his head as a battering ram to bust open the back door of a home in St Petersburg, Florida. He failed miserably. But I loved how he got down like a bull before charging the door, I thought that was a nice touch. Just chalk it up as a learning experience, buddy. One about God not compensating for lacking brainpower with a reinforced skull and spine.

Nutty robber uses his head [thesun]

Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne, who once laid siege to an entire castle wearing a bicycle helmet.

Mar 29 2009 ShamWow Guy ShamPows Hooker's Face

First of all, Vince Shlomi, the ShamWow guy, is 44 years old. In the infomercials he doesn't look a day over a very douchey 25. Secondly, a $1,000 hooker tried biting his tongue off during a sexual encounter at a South Beach hotel and Vince was forced to ShamPow her in the face until she let go. Damn, that is some freaky cannibal S & M shit. And lastly, since when is being the ShamWow guy not enough to get a dude laid for free? Next thing you know you'll tell me Ron Popeil isn't sticking his Solid Flavor Injector to a bunch of groupies. Now back me up here, Ron. Ron? What do you mean you're a 'Pocket Fisherman'?

Hit the jump for a raggedly looking ShamWow guy and hooker.

Continue Reading " ShamWow Guy ShamPows Hooker's Face "

Mar 28 2009 Wow, Surprisingly Doesn't Work: Paying A Speeding Ticket With Urine-Soaked Coins

Michael Harold Lynch received a $206 speeding ticket for doing 54 in a 35MPH work zone. Outraged (I was only 19 over!), he got $206 in small coins, put them in a bag, and pissed all over them. Then he sent the bag in as payment. Shockingly, it wasn't accepted.

Turns out Lynch didn't break any laws - it's not necessarily illegal to mail bodily fluids. The pee-and-pennies were sent back to Lynch - COD, in fact - with a note that said they couldn't be taken because "the pile of coins emitted a strong, pungent odor of stale urine." Lynch responded by sending a check made out to another agency, which was returned, then he sent a check for the wrong amount. Now he's on the hook for $271 because his payment is late.

Wow, Michael. You sure showed them, didn't you? Now you only owe $65 more than before, not including the shipping and COD payments you already made. You are such the prankster! And also, under arrest. Up against the wall, buddy -- now spread those legs. *violently tasers Michael in the taint* Haha -- this is a rented uniform! NOW WHO'S THE PRANK KING?!?!

Streaming Mad: $206 in urine-soaked coins is not acceptable payment for a speeding ticket in Washington [autoblog]

Thanks to The Jerk, who was peeing in the slot your money comes out of on an ATM when the little door slammed closed on his pecker and he had to call the police. They laughed at him and then posted the security cam footage on Youtube. I saw it, it was funny.

Mar 21 2009 Sad: Text Messages For The Friendless

Fiona Carswell is a friendless hag who lives in the woods and tries to entice children into her gingerbread house to eat them. Just kidding, I'm sure she's cool and has tons of friends. But that didn't stop her from designing 'Cell Stickies', which are electro-static stickers with fake text messages you stick on your iPhone when you're feeling down. Because let's face it, nothing boosts one's spirit like catching yourself sticking a fake text message sticker on your cell phone. Am I right? Oooh -- a text. "You are right. As usual." Haha, just as I thought! And here comes another! "You gave me herpes." Shit.

Cell Stickies For The Truly Delusional [ohgizmo]

Mar 5 2009 Wow, I'm Shocked: Robot Programmed To Love Goes Too Far, Commences Stalking

Kenji, a third-generation humanoid, was programmed by Toshiba's Akimu Robotic Research Institute to emulate human emotions, including love. But shockingly, Kenji has gone haywire and will probably end up killing off all his love interests.

The trouble all started when a young female intern began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji.

Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he's optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed. "This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots," he said.

Oh hell no you crackpot. Ain't no love for robots here. It's kill or be killed. YOUR EXPERIMENT FAILED MISERABLY -- GIVE UP. Seriously, we need this guy behind bars STAT. The day I'm forced to love a robot is the day I stab that mechanical beast through the eye-camera with a rusty screwdriver and sparks fly everywhere as I mash it around in his brain real good until the BEEPITY BOOP BEEPING stops and I push my would-be mechanical lover off me and take a nap.

Robot Programmed to Love Goes too Far [muckflash]

Thanks to Jon, who once kicked a robot in the metallic junk for stepping on his shoe.

Mar 3 2009 Failure At Life Stuffs Six-Month Old Kitten In World's Worst Homemade Bong To 'Calm It'

20-year old Acea Shomaker is a failure at life who shouldn't even be allowed to have a cat. I mean Jesus, just look at that bong. Pathetic.

Deputies discovered the cat trapped in the device after responding to a domestic disturbance call at a home that Schomaker shares with his grandfather, Sgt. Andy Stebbing said.

Deputies resolved the dispute and left the house, but they returned minutes later after discovering there was an arrest warrant on Schomaker that alleged possession of drug paraphernalia.

Upon re-entering the house, deputies saw Schomaker smoking marijuana through a piece of garden hose duct-taped to a Plexiglass box, in which the cat had been stuffed, Stebbing said.

Shomaker told police the cat was too hyper and he was just trying to calm it down. The kitten is now in good condition in the care of Capital Humane Society. Wow. Now I'm all about some vigilante justice, so I suggest we dose Shomaker with a taste of his own medicine. Namely, we stuff him in a Rubbermaid full of acid. And not the happy face-melting kind either. I'm talking the real face-melting stuff -- that hydrochloric joint. IT BUUUUUURNS!

Hit the jump to see the kitty and the face of a failure.

Continue Reading " Failure At Life Stuffs Six-Month Old Kitten In World's Worst Homemade Bong To 'Calm It' "

Feb 5 2009 Idiot Tries To Strangle Girlfriend With Wiimote

In the latest of video game-themed attacks, a guy tried to strangle his girlfriend with the cord of a Wiimote. And I'll tell you -- he even LOOKS like the kind of guy that'd try to strangle someone with a video game controller. What a quarter-pound of fail.

An Austin man has been accused of trying to choke his girlfriend with the cord of a Wii video game controller after she became angry that he had eaten all of her Girl Scout cookies, according to an arrest affidavit.

The two struggled until they ended up in the living room, where Alvarez grabbed a Wii controller, according to the affidavit. Alvarado was able to free herself and call 911. Alvarez fled the home but was arrested soon after.

First of all, you don't ever try to strangle a woman, that's pathetic. And secondly, if there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you never, ever, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, come between a woman and her Girl Scout Cookies. You're lucky to be alive, Alvarez, now kill yourself.

Man accused of choking girlfriend with Wii controller [statesman]

Thanks to Jordan, who once tried to choke his roommate with a PS3 controller. The plan was doomed from the start.

Jan 24 2009 Wow, Just Wow: Chia Obama Heads

Chia Obama comes in both "determined" and "happy" poses, costs $20, and is probably the worst way to "honor" a president I can think of.

Hit the jump for a comparison of the two poses.

Continue Reading " Wow, Just Wow: Chia Obama Heads "

Jan 23 2009 Concealed Dork Permit: The Gadget Holster

Oh God, please don't shoot -- with your iPhone! BWHAHHAHAH! Let me guess -- you failed the police academy entrance exam again.

The fashionable e-Volve™ Gadget Shoulder Holster is a new "carry all" shoulder holster that allows you to get all of your personal electronic gadgets off your belt, out of your pockets and into a comfortable shoulder holster.

The e-Volve Gadget Shoulder Holster is designed to "evolve" and adapt to the reality of constant state of change in personal electronics by enabling you to wear your present and future gadgets. This evolutionary capability is achieved by a simple, but functional design of this ergonomic shoulder holster.

I bet it's got a place to store Awethumbs! And it's only 70! F*** a fanny-pack, I want an e-Volve Gadget Shoulder Douche Holster! Watch this little trick -- nothing in my hands right.....BOOM, iPhone! Haha, I'd bet you'd you like to know where it came from -- too bad it's called magic. I'm serious, I had to fellate the sorcerer's apprentice.

Product Page

Thanks to Atlas Thugged, who done crushed that punk bitch to deaf wif the planet, son.

Jan 20 2009 Admit It, You're Lazy: A Cup Noodle Machine

Why you'd need a vending machine for a product that only requires hot water and three minutes to be ready for consumption is beyond me. Yet, here it is, a Cup Noodle (I always thought it was Cup-O-Noodles) vending machine.

It's small enough to fit on a counter top, and includes a hot water thermos and storage for up to four Cup Noodle bowls with a dispenser. It even has an automatic timer that'll beep when three minutes is up and your food is ready to eat.

Jesus, it's called a microwave, folks. And who else has accidentally eaten part of the styrofoam cup while downing a Cup Noodle all drunk? Go ahead, admit it -- nothing to be ashamed of. HAHA, you freaking ate the cup! To your credit though, I wouldn't trust you with a fork either.

Nissin offers introverts compact cup noodle vending machines [tokyomango]

Thanks to Niki, who stopped eating Ramen in college because she got to look at some under a microscope and it looked too noodley.

Jan 19 2009 Mom Unplugs XBox, Kid Assaults With Taco

The latest in a string of culinary assaults, Zachary Moir (now to be known as the taco tosser. Or, if he ends up doing time, the taco salad tosser) assaulted his mother with a delicious, meat-filled tortilla.

When he refused to stop playing his X-box and come down for dinner, Dena Moir says she went upstairs and unplugged the game, that's when she says Zachary pushed her and called her a bad name...A few minutes later Dena says she was in the kitchen cleaning and cooking tacos for dinner when Zachary showed up. That's when she says he slapped her arm and threw a taco in her face.

Wow, Zachary, I can understand you not wanting to eat since you're already so full of fail, but tacos are delicious you freaking idiot.

Big Shot Allegedly Throws Taco at Mommy for Unplugging Xbox [gizmodo]

Thanks to Frostee, who almost threw a churro at his grandmother for having the television volume up so loud, but ate it instead.

Jan 14 2009 Morons Who Named Their Son Adolph Hitler Lose Their Kids To Youth And Family Services

Remember Heath and Deborah Campbell, the two failures at life that named their children Adolph Hitler, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie? Well, unsurprisingly, they've had their kids removed from the household by the New Jersey's Division of Youth and Family Services because they're freaking idiots and shouldn't have been allowed to breed in the first place.

No reason was given for why the children were removed, however, and Holland Township police chief David Van Gilson told the site they had not received any reports of abuse or negligence.

Um, naming your son Adolph Hitler IS abuse.

"They're just names, you know," Heath Campbell told the Easton Express-Times in December. "Yeah, they (the Nazis) were bad people back then. But my kids are little. They're not going to grow up like that."

However, Heath reportedly denies the Holocaust and their home is decorated with swastikas.

Real smooth there, Heath, real smooth. Now if you'll excuse me, I've just been informed your nuts won a date with my tire iron. And guess what -- you're paying.

Report: Child named Adolf Hitler removed from home in New Jersey [nydailynews]

Thanks to Shaggy, who, despite my convincing, wouldn't name his son Thundercats.

Jan 14 2009 26 Years Later, Man Solves Rubik's Cube

It took Graham Parker 26 years to finally solve the Rubik's Cube he bought back in 1983. If you can't tell by the picture, he's really proud of himself. Kind of reminds me of the first time I ate a 72-oz steak and got my picture on the wall.

'I cannot tell you what a relief it was to finally solve it,' the 45-year-old from Portchester, Hampshire, said. 'It has driven me mad over the years - it felt like it had taken over my life.

'I have missed important events to stay in and solve it and I would lie awake at night thinking about it.

'I have had wrist and back problems from spending hours on it but it was all worth it. When I clicked that last bit into place and each face was a solid colour, I wept.'

Wow, Graham, so you're a little crybaby, huh? Now I'm not saying there's ever a time when a person should just accept their own mental inadequacies and bail on a project, but damnit Graham, that time was 25½ years ago.

Man takes 26 years to solve Rubik's Cube [metro]

Thanks to Praveen, who can solve a Rubik's in under a minute using either the "hammer" or "new stickers" methods.

Nov 19 2008 I Knew It, I Knew It!: The Internet Is Magic

Holy shit folks, the internet is magic. You know, this reminds me of an ex-girlfriend's mother who couldn't understand why, just because she misspelled the email address, her message couldn't be delivered. "I only had one letter wrong, the internet lady should have known who I was trying to reach." That's right folks, the internet lady. God she was freaking stupid.

The Internet Is Magic [collegehumor]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer for smearing superglue on the rim of the urinal in the men's room. Now I'm stuck.

Nov 19 2008 Really? That's The Best You Could Do?

In a story that reminds me of every wedding I've ever gone to where they set out disposable cameras so you can take pictures, some dude took a snapshot of his junk with his iPhone. And, after emailing it to his mistress, his girlfriend found it. Oh snap! So what did the no-good cheating bastard do? Simple, he blamed it on Apple.

The Fanboy's excuse was that he had taken the picture but never sent it to anyone. In fact he was so worried about his Iphone taking the picture that he said had paid a visit to the ironically named Apple Genius Bar. There he swore that a spokesman for apple had told him that it was a known glitch. Photos sometimes automatically attach themselves to an e-mail address and appear in the sent folder, even though no e-mail was ever sent, he swore blind that the Genius told him.

Well folks, I think we can all walk away from this having learned a valuable lesson. One about, oh I don't know, making up better lies.

Help! Iphone snapped my husband's genitals [theinquirer]

Thanks to Michael, who doesn't take pictures of himself in the mirror for his Facebook profile.

Oct 31 2008 Kid Arrested For Convincing (Senile) Grandma To Perform In His Ganster Rap Video

The elderly: they're wrinkly. AND highly desirable to perform in homemade gangster rap videos. Who would have known? Not me. But apparently Michael Alfinez, 18, from Lake Worth, Florida, was in on the secret. The youth is serving 18 months in jail for abusing the elderly and firearms charges.

The footage showed Marie Huertas, 85, wearing a full black balaclava and, after repeated instructions, uttering a number of gangsta rap phrases that included expletives.

A sheriff's report said Alfinez had admitted dressing up his grandmother and persuading her to flash a gun and money at the camera.

Alfinez said he got the idea from a Gangstas & Thugs DVD - which show real footage rather younger hoodlums in action - and "knew (his) grandmother could be like that, too, or better".

Wow, that's one cool grandma. Mine just bakes pies and smells funny. Ha, did I mention the cats? There are cats.

US teenager jailed for 'grandmother gangster rap video' [telegraph]

Thanks to ray, whose grandmother can bust a cap better than you can.