Nov 17 2009 I'm Taking 'Em With Me!: The Gerbil Shirt (Exclusively For Pudgy Red-Headed Kids)
Gosh, it seems like only yesterday I was hard at working fashioning a bong out of my gerbil's old Habitrail. But it wasn't, it was this morning I'm doing it right now. Anybody have a hot glue gun?
The Gerbil Shirt wraps your torso in plastic tube passageways, making your bod a super highway of fun for Binky and Bart. The interior surfaces are textured for traction and have air vents for easy breathing.
The inventor suggests you can clean the Gerbil Shirt by attaching it to a faucet (remove pets first please), and you should avoid collisions and falls that could cause pet panic.
Listen, I'm not one to judge, except I totally am BECAUSE I'M SO GOOD AT IT. Wapner? Pfft, that old pantstain couldn't gavel his way out of a wet paper bag. Judy? Wrinkled whore. But a Habitrail vest? That's just a solid product.
Gerbil Shirt [ohgizmo]
Thanks to david, who better not catch you trying to run one of those tubes up your butt.
Jul 13 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Split-Ring-Key
Sometimes it's the simplest things that are best. Like a bacon sandwich on a crisp morning or tricking a dinosaur into thinking another meteor is coming so you can bed it that night. And then there's this keyring. Which is both key AND keyring. What will they think of next?!?
Carry your keys on your other key. Real working key blank. Key blank can be cut by any key cutter to fit KW1 or SC1 keyways.
You can get a 2-pack for $7, which, according to my calculations, makes a 4-pack about $18. What? I NEVER LEARNED THE MATHS, OKAY? But you know what -- YOU DON'T NEED ALGEOMETRY TO KNOW HOW TO BLOG! Or any skills really. Just a drinking problem.
Split Ring Key [amronexperimental]
Thanks to Scott, who actually invented the thing. Nice, now how about a door that is both door AND knob. Oh I'm sorry, did I just blow everybody's minds?
Jun 29 2009 Michael Jackson: Singer, Dancer, Inventor
Sure the dude danced, but did you know he invented? It's true, Michael developed a shoe that made the impossible forward-lean in his 'Smooth Criminal' dance routine possible.
He did it with special shoes that quickly slid into pegs that rise out of the floor at just the right moment. Also helping the effect were rigid anklets that worked like ski boots, supporting Jackson and his entourage of dancers as they leaned forward at that magic angle.
Cool, but you know what I want? Moonwalk shoes. One time I went to a club with a friend of mine who can moonwalk. He only did it for like five seconds. Thirty women got pregnant.
Hit the jump for a video of Michael performing the stunt, action is at 3:50.
Continue Reading " Michael Jackson: Singer, Dancer, Inventor "
May 17 2009 Inventor Denied Patent For Human 'Killer Chip'
A Saudi inventor was recently denied a German patent for what is being described as a "killer chip". What is a killer chip? Cooler Ranch Doritos, hands down.
The basic model would consist of a tiny GPS transceiver placed in a capsule and inserted under a person's skin, so that authorities could track him easily. Model B would have an extra function -- a dose of cyanide to remotely kill the wearer without muss or fuss if authorities deemed he'd become a public threat.
The inventor said the chip could be used to track terrorists, criminals, fugitives, illegal immigrants, political dissidents, domestic servants and foreigners overstaying their visas."The invention will probably be found to violate paragraph two of the German Patent Law -- which does not allow inventions that transgress public order or good morals
If the aliens have taught us anything, it's that the key to successful human tracking is NOT LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW. You embed a cyanide chip under my skin and guess what -- I'm cutting it out. With my teeth. Oh I'm sorry, was that too hardcore for you? Yeah, well one time I ate two of my own toes because I hadn't eaten dessert.
Saudi 'Killer Chip' Implant Would Track, Eliminate Undesirables [foxnews]
Thanks to Dustin and philip, who track people the old fashioned way: by looking for footprints and shit. Literally, looking for shit.
Dec 16 2008 What?: Russian Man Trademarks ;-) Emoticon
Apparently the Russian patent office granted a trademark to resident doucheweed Oleg Teterin, a man who now allegedly owns the rights to the ;-) emoticon. WTF!
But critics doubt the trademark's legal basis as the emoticon has been in the public domain for years.
"I want to highlight that this is only directed at corporations, companies that are trying to make a profit without the permission of the trademark holder," Mr Teterin said in comments on the Russian TV channel, NTV.He also said since other similar emoticons - :-) or ;) or :) - resemble the one he has trademarked, use of those symbols could also fall under his ownership.
Wow, what is the world coming to? And where does this Ruski get off trying to trademark MY emoticons. That's right folks, I invented them all. Just kidding, but I do use 8===D a lot, often followed by 'PEW PEW!'
Russian hopes to cash in on ;-) [bbcnews]
Thanks Richthegringo, and good luck on your quest to patent all punctuation. Also, thanks to Abby, my new legal consultant.
Mar 26 2008 It's About Time: Apple Files Patent For 3-D Display, See You Soon Princess Leia *wink*
This is a diagram from the patent Apple filed on the 20th for a 3-D Holographic Display.
The patent application goes on to assert that two-dimensional projections of 3-D scenes are inadequate. "Without the benefit of 3-D rendering, even high quality images that have excellent perspective depictions still appear unrealistic and flat," it says. "No headgear needs to be worn by the observer. "In one embodiment, the system of the present invention provides a stereoscopic 3-D display and viewing experience; in another, it delivers a realistic holographic 3-D display experience."
Sweet, 3-D. Not to brag or anything, but I see real life in 3-D. Does that make me better than everyone else? Yes. It's a scientific fact that most people only see in 3-C. Unless I've got things backwards and 3-C is actually an improvement over 3-D. In that case I see in 3-A, which is practically x-ray vision. That's right folks, boobs.
Apple files patent for holographic 3-D display [eetimes]
Thanks to Dan, who can see in 5-A because he's from the future, for the tip
Feb 12 2008 Sure, Why Not?: Philips Files Patent For Game Sytem With Throwable Monitor. Yes, Seriously.
Philips recently filed a patent for a video game system that includes a durable monitor that you can toss around as part of gameplay. WTF, you say? Indeed. The information included in the patent doesn't make much sense (although you can read it after the jump), so I'll just give you a breakdown based on the picture.
As you can see a man dressed as a woman dressed as a clown (198) throws the display (101) single-handedly in an arc, just missing the ceiling. At this time you roll out from behind a couch and stand there in the orthopedic boots your mom makes you wear (199). As the display (101) crashes to the ground you take aim at the image of a winged vampire carrying an olive branch (102) with the game system's included phallus (180). If your aim was true the console (103) sends wavey beams, otherwise known as IMGs, to the display's beam-receiver (105), letting it know you made a direct hit. The display (101) in turn sends more wavey waves back to the console (103) in the form of PROTs. The whole process is recorded via hidden webcam (150) and uploaded to the internet. I then download said video thinking it's going to be porn, but am disappointed when it's just two asshats playing some game where you throw a TV and try to shoot it.
I need one of these systems yesterday.
The patent description after the jump.
Nov 23 2007 U.S. Patent 6313371: Underwear Deodorizer
Well I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving yesterday and stuffed themselves full. I know I did -- I made my famous Thanksgiving bourbon. My mother brought a great gin dish over and my father cooked up an exceptional moonshine. Fun was had by all until I tried to make out with my sister. Anyways.
Just in time for Thanksgiving leftovers comes U.S. Patent 6313371. It describes the Flatulence Deodorizer, which is a "non-intrusive" pad you tape "inside briefs or panties in the anal area". It's basically a little activated carbon patch that neutralizes odors. And f'ing ridiculous. Just make sure the woman you brought home doesn't see it when you're stripping down. Because she'll jump out the window. And tell all her friends. Please don't get these, just blame the dog or a senile old person. That's what I do.
Farting damage control for the holidays [ubergizmo]
Aug 9 2007 Sliding Cell Phone Holder
If you're anything like me, you like to be up to date on the latest trends in cell phone technology. Well this isn't one of them - it is however, I guess, an innovation of some sort - but I can safely say there will be no trend. Some kid who obviously grew up watching way too many Batman and Spiderman cartoons invented a freaking sliding cell phone holder that attaches to the wrist. Nothing quite says "I just gave you a fake ass number" like some dingleberry trying to get your digits with this thing strapped on.
Sliding Cell Phone Holder [Patently Silly]
Aug 8 2007 Hiccup Curing Device
So someone has developed a hiccup cure that looks a lot like a milkshake. Call me old fashioned, but the "OH MY GOD THERE'S A SHARK IN THE BOAT!" scare tactic has never done me wrong. And if that doesn't work I'll typically let weight lifters punch me in the stomach until I laugh so hard they go away. You know, now that I think about it- I invented something similar to this last year that looked a lot like a blender (well, it was a blender). And let me tell you- not only did it cure your hiccups, it cured your whole face.
Hiccup Curing Device [Patently Silly]
