Oct 12 2009 Kill It With Fire!: A Robotic Talking Piano
This is a piano, which, through the use of the black magic and robotics, is able to speak in one of the scariest voices I've ever heard. Well, besides the one that comes attached to the figure that sneaks into my room at night and tells me to write dirty things on the internet. I think it's my uncle!
Thanks to J.D., Rodger and Alexandra, who are already planning to push this thing out a window.
Sep 30 2009 Slings Let The World Know How You Did It
This is a series of slings that lets the rest of the world know how you went and broke your arm. And as a guy who's broken his thumb once and arm twice, I've got to admit: it's never stopped me from still doing dumb shit all the time. High-five for never learning lessons! But seriously, now I've got a wonk-arm now with a giant metal plate and screws in it that sends shockwaves up my arm whenever I try to do push-ups. Which is EXACTLY why I don't work out. AND HELL YES I SET OFF AIRPORT METAL DETECTORS! Just like Luke Skywalker -- except I'VE never tried slipping my sister the tongue. Step-sisters don't count!
Illustrative Slings Show How That Arm Got Boned [gizmodo]
Thanks to Romeo, whose magnetic personality alone is enough to set off an airport metal detector.
Sep 3 2009 Ouch: Helping Hands Condom Applicator
This is a commercial for the Helping Hands condom applicator. And, after seeing it, I'd trust a fire-breathing dragon with a toothache to be gentler. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to get some, but, well, dragons and dinosaurs ARE related.
Helping Hands Condom Applicator Makes Me Shrivel Up in Fear [gizmodo]
Aug 3 2009 Cut Your Nails: Mario & Luigi Tattoos On Feet
Before I go any further, you need to cut those toenails. That ring toe looks like it could cut glass and the middle one reminds me of a little fleshy grape. Great, now I want to eat it. I SAID, "PUT IT IN MY MOUTH!" So yeah, Mario and Luigi tattoos on the bottom of some guy's feet. I reckon he opted for the feet because his mommy would be disappointed if she found out he had them. So you should have seen the look on her face when he put his feet on the coffee table. It was like she just seen a ghost! Or video game tattoos on her son's feet. IT'S THE SAME LOOK!
Hit the jump for a shot of Luigi and one of both feet together.
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May 12 2009 Not For The Faint: Robots Beating The Ever Living Hell Out Of Crash Test Dummies
This is some really disturbing footage from the German Aerospace Center's Institute of Robotics and Mechtronics (soon be known as a pile of rubble. Minions -- attack!) showing robots beating the ever living hell out of crash test dummies. FOR FUN. WHILE SOME SICKOS LAUGH IN THE BACKGROUND. Allegedly the experiments were conducted in an attempt to help make robots safer, but guess what -- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SAFE ROBOT. Just sayin', my roommate lost three toes to a Roomba and can now only walk in circles.
Robots crash into dummies, identify human weaknesses [engadget]
Thanks to billcollider, Chase is First, Barry, Nelson and Wout, who have each taken out like 40 robots and even dated a few long term. You guys make me sick.
May 11 2009 Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat: Spiderman Fail
This is a video of Spiderman hurting himself in front of a bunch of children and being played off by a cat on a keyboard. Trust me, it'll all make sense after you watch it. Just kidding, it won't ever make sense. But it will always make awesome.
Thanks to Joemo, who once found Spiderman trapped in his own web and furiously pleasuring himself to a daddy longlegs.
May 5 2009 Sap Cap Is Actually A Weapon In Disguise
The Sap Cap is no ordinary headwear. Oh no, the baseball hat actually has a pocket of "unique impact material that is 110% the density of lead and will not rust" sewn into the back. Granted it's no Oddjob razor hat, but may do in a pinch (also: your clumsy ass would probably cut your own arm off with an Oddjob hat). Just remove the cap, hold by the brim, and proceed to brain your opponent. Now call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a sock full of quarters. Not only is it a lethal weapon, but you can also pay strangers' expired parking meters. But not too many! Lest you find yourself wielding an empty sock. Which, as I'm sure you all know, is only effective for beating yourself. BOOM SHACKA LACKA!
May 5 2009 Spike Chair Is Ultra-Scary, Not Worth The Risk
You see that chair? Yeah, well imagine it with no glass seat and being lowered upon its spike with ropes. Did that just make your ass cry big brown tears of sadness? Because it should have. Known as the Judas Chair, the stool was used as a torture device back in the day (possibly by the Spanish Inquisition). Thank God we live in a tortureless society now, huh? Wait, what? Shit. :/
This take on the old classic was created by Russian designer Ton Guglya. Wow, I think I can safely say I'd rather stand. And this coming from a guy who once shared an overturned bar stool with three friends. Just sayin' -- reduce, reuse, recycle. Go green!
Stake Chair Makes My Delicate Parts Quiver in Terror [gizmodo]
May 4 2009 Steampunk 'Massager' Really Steam Powered
This steampunk vibrator was created by metal worker Ani Niow and really works, provided you don't mind melting your hand off to pleasure yourself (I came close once after a 14 hour marathon).
While it technically does run off steam, Niow cautions you'll need to wear insulated welding gloves to handle it without getting burned. This is why she's temporarily using compressed air for now.
If she can secure a smaller portable boiler she'll give the thing a run at full power, as was intended.
Good looking, Ani, I like a hint of danger in my sex life. Reminds me of the time I used a live crocodile for a condom.
Fully Functional Steampunk Vibrator Might Scald Your Privates [gizmodo]
Thanks to Julian, who tried dating a toaster but ended up getting burned.
Apr 29 2009 Spellbound Apprentice Casts Off Wizard Hat And Robe, Gets Tazed By The Po-diddly
NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW DUE TO THE WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS.
This is a video from Coachella of a wizard who refuses to put his hat and robe back on (you're doing it wrong!) and instead waves his minuscule penis around like Harry Potter trying to cast a spell of sadness on anyone foolish enough to look.
"It doesn't have to stop," the Naked Wizard says.
"I'll tell you what," the cop says. "You can have a great time -- but you can have an even better time if you put your clothes on...Can I get them for you?"The officer grabs the gown and tosses to the Naked Wizard, but he casts it away again. Then the cops put on their rubber gloves, and things get ugly.
You really can't help but feel sorry for the guy. But, on the upside, this video should make you feel good about your own magic stick. So make sure to watch the video with your significant other while pointing at the dude's nubbin and telling them to be thankful. I swear, a naked wizard on drugs with the world's smallest penis getting tasered by the diddly -- is today my birthday or what?
Naked Wizard Taser Brawl At Coachella [huffingtonpost]
Thanks to A-lice in Wonderland and chainsawarms, who both noted the magician's wand was probably too small to cast any real dangerous spells.
Apr 22 2009 What The?: Questionable Sub Commercial
I love Quiznos. Or, I should say, I loved Quiznos before I found out their ovens encourage employees to have sex with them. I mean, WTF? This isn't how you sell delicious, oven-baked subs, this is how you....damnit, now I want Quiznos.
Thanks to Jordan and Reiko, who have never gone anywhere near a toaster with their junk exposed. Or so they say.
Apr 6 2009 Thief Uses Head As Battering Ram, Fails
A would-be thief tried to use his head as a battering ram to bust open the back door of a home in St Petersburg, Florida. He failed miserably. But I loved how he got down like a bull before charging the door, I thought that was a nice touch. Just chalk it up as a learning experience, buddy. One about God not compensating for lacking brainpower with a reinforced skull and spine.
Nutty robber uses his head [thesun]
Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne, who once laid siege to an entire castle wearing a bicycle helmet.
Mar 26 2009 No Joke: Conficker C Virus Coming April 1st
That's right folks, a beefed up version of the Conficker virus, Conficker C is scheduled to wreak havoc on April 1st. Your grandparents may think it's just a joke, but it's no joke -- this is real life, son!
What's known so far is that on April 1, all infected computers will come under the control of a master machine located somewhere across the web, at which point anything's possible. Will the zombie machines become denial of service attack pawns, steal personal information, wipe hard drives, or simply manifest more traditional malware pop-ups and extortion-like come-ons designed to sell you phony security software? No one knows.
Conficker is clever in the way it hides its tracks because it uses an enormous number of URLs to communicate with HQ. The first version of Conficker used just 250 addresses each day -- which security researchers and ICANN simply bought and/or disabled -- but Conficker C will up the ante to 50,000 addresses a day when it goes active, a number which simply can't be tracked and disabled by hand.
Well, just like I did in preparation for the Y2K bug, I'm building a rocketship and blasting off into outerspace before the damage is done. Now you may be asking yourself, "self, what the hell is he still doing here if he really blasted off into outerspace?" And the answer, my friends, is none of your business (read: I'm collecting earth women for the trip). Ladies? Freeze-dried ice cream!
Beware Conficker worm come April 1 [yahoonews]
Thanks to Ashely and Xeta, who aren't worried about the virus because they don't use computers. It's true, they sent their tips snail mail and only read Geekologie telepathically.
Mar 12 2009 Superman: Perhaps A Little Too Strong
Been there. Was not super.
Action Comics Fail [failblog]
Feb 19 2009 Guy Loses Finger To Neodymium Magnets
What you're looking at there is a dude's fingernail and the remains of a finger that got crushed between two Neodymium magnets. Brutal! Sweet!
Dirk had an accident. It took 1 1/2 hours of surgery to remove the shattered bones and repair the damage. Medically speaking, he crushed his right index finger distal phalange. The magnets had a 50 cm (20 inch) separation when they decided to fly together.
He is lucky that he only lost a finger tip as opposed to his whole hand. The block Neo below is about 4" by 2" by 2" N45 with a pull force of around 700 lbs (320 kg). The disk is about 3" dia. by 2 1/2" thick N45 with a pull force of about 400 lbs (180 kg). That is his fingernail and some of his finger tip caught between the magnets.
Holy hellfire. Hit the jump to see the graphic photos and a link to the whole story. Which amazingly didn't include heavy drinking and/or a bet. Seriously though, Neodymium magnets are not playtoys (unless you got the really small weak ones, in which case, whee!). Remember what they taught you in Boy Scouts: if you can't stand the heat, too many chefs spoil the broth. Life wisdom, folks, I'm full of it.
Hit the jump for graphic pictures of a bloody stump.
Jan 23 2009 No, No, No, We Don't Pierce The Kitties!
Holly Crawford is a 34-year old sadistic dog groomer that decided to pierce the ears, necks, and tails of some cats and sell them as "gothic cats" on the interwebs. After being tipped off by PETA, her home was raided and she was arrested.
She defended herself saying that she did not see any difference between piercing a cat and piercing a human. She said she used sterile needles and surgical soap and that she checked the kittens several times a day to make sure they were healing properly.
Crawford said her dog-grooming business, Pawside Parlor, has plummeted since the raid and that she has received dozens of nasty phone calls.
Piercing pets -- what the f*** is wrong with people? Please discuss. And as a guy with a Prince Albert piercing myself, I've got to admit: sometimes I pee two streams.
'Gothic' pierced cats sold online [thesun]
Thanks to Kathryn, who knows kitties are for loving, not piercing.
Jan 21 2009 Guy Makes Portal Gun, I Plan To Steal It
Holy crap somebody went and made the gun from Portal. I have absolutely no shame in telling you all I am going to steal the device, and then use it to rob a bank and escape the po-po.
Developed by Aperture Science, this Handheld Portal Device is an extremely limited edition (dare I say, one of a kind?) portal generator. Illuminated with blue ad orange LEDs, the entire gun runs off of only one 9V battery and needs no ammunition.
*donning pantyhose mask* See you in a bit!
UPDATE: HOLY SHIT I'VE GOT IT! I even managed to escape without detection, so I don't even know if the thing works yet. *pointing at bedroom wall* Well, here goes nothing! *PEW* OH MY GOD IT WORKS! Aaaaand there's my sister. Aaaaand she's naked. Quick, portal me in the eyes!
Hit the jump for a couple more views.
Continue Reading " Guy Makes Portal Gun, I Plan To Steal It "
