Nov 18 2009 Ninja Fail: Overconfident (And Drunk) Ninja Attempts Fence Jump, Ends Up Impaled

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video, attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You're no drunken master!

Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I've got news for you: you're not. You don't wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment's notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You've cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles, haven't you? The prosecution rests.

Police: Would-be Seattle
ninja impaled on fence [googlenews]

Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

Oct 12 2009 Kill It With Fire!: A Robotic Talking Piano

This is a piano, which, through the use of the black magic and robotics, is able to speak in one of the scariest voices I've ever heard. Well, besides the one that comes attached to the figure that sneaks into my room at night and tells me to write dirty things on the internet. I think it's my uncle!

Youtube

Thanks to J.D., Rodger and Alexandra, who are already planning to push this thing out a window.

Sep 16 2009 But I Was Gonna Eat That!: 'Danger: High Voltage' As Demonstrated By A Watermelon

You know how all those high-voltage capacitors have warning signs that tell you not to sit on them or play around them but you do anyways because you're an ultra-L337 badass from the planet Choke-slam? Well this is a video demonstration of what can happen if a drunk electrical worker accidentally left some of the wires exposed and you sat on them. Except, in this demo they use a watermelon instead of your buttocks. The same thing would happen to your ass though, trust me. You see these? *knock knock knock* Wooden cheeks. I'm just like George Washington! Except way handsomer and a better leader.

So, This Is What Those High Voltage Danger Signs Mean [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who actually taught 'ol George how to make love like an eagle falling out of the sky.

Sep 3 2009 Ouch: Helping Hands Condom Applicator

This is a commercial for the Helping Hands condom applicator. And, after seeing it, I'd trust a fire-breathing dragon with a toothache to be gentler. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to get some, but, well, dragons and dinosaurs ARE related.

Helping Hands Condom Applicator Makes Me Shrivel Up in Fear [gizmodo]

Aug 20 2009 For The (Clumsy) Ladies: Twilight Bandages

Look down. Do you have breasts? If so, you're a woman or a man who could afford to lose some weight. Either of which may be interested in these Twilight bandages. They're band-aids, but with Twilight shit on them. Now, not to flaunt my superior product design skills or anything, but they should have made the bandages look like vampire bites. BOOM, $1 million idea. You'd have girls throwing themselves off their bicycles just so they could wear more of them. Oh, right, Twi-hards are cutters.

Product Site (sorry ladies, currently sold out)

Thanks to ech0z, who doesn't wear bandages because he has the healing properties of Wolverine, but is way more rugged and handsome. There, I did it -- now pay up.

Aug 5 2009 Oh That's Cold: Laser Pointer And Dog Trick

This is a video of a guy performing a very special trick with his dog and a laser pointer. Now I don't want to ruin it for you, so I'll just say this: at least he didn't draw on the dude's face, because that would have been wrong (his shoes are, in fact, off). Also, not to start a heated debate in the comments about cropping a dog's ears, but I just did. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

How Not to Play With a Laser Pointer [gizmodo]

Thanks to Ryan, who once meant to bring a laser pointer to a presentation but accidentally grabbed his girlfriend's dildo instead. He pointed with it anyways.

Jul 29 2009 Honey, I'm Gonna Need That Ring Back: Nano-diamonds May Help Heal Wounds

Seen here is Dr. Manhattan's conception a nano-diamond attracting insulin to help a wound heal quicker. Neat, but I'd still douse it with Blue # 1 just to be on the safe side.

Northwestern University scientist Dean Ho and his team discovered that nanodiamonds are very attractive to insulin, best know for helping regulate blood sugar. Insulin, however, can also accelerate healing processes and stave off infection in wound sites, according to Ho:

Insulin accelerates wound healing by acting as a growth hormone. It encourages skin cells to proliferate and divide, restores blood flow to the wound, suppresses inflammation and fights infection.

Nice, but I can't even get my insurance to cover regular bandages at the doctor, so I can pretty much forget about DIABANDAGES©. Haha -- pay me, suckers!

Diamonds Are A Wound's Best Friend [io9]

Thanks to Tank and Totex, who once shot up emeralds and died. Don't do precious stones, kids.

Jul 22 2009 TASER TASER TASER!: New Taser Shoots Three Probes For Zapping Multiple Perps

The TASER X3 is just that, a taser that shoots three separate probes for shocking several victims at once. Or, fire them all into one perp and watch that sucker light up like a Christmas tree!

The new weapon will be officially unveiled on July 27th, but in anticipation of that glorious day, TASER has kindly posted an employee demonstration video of shooting three entirely underpaid women in the back, to the applause of onlookers.

Yes, women. And yes, the guy yells TASER TASER TASER before blasting them all. Which, apparently, is the cool thing to do. Now I'm not saying I could have taken all three shots and still been standing, but I totally could have. Hell, I could have probably taken five. No, ten. Twenty! GIMME THE CHAIR!

Triple-shot TASER X3 imminent, deranged employees celebrate with mock executions [engadget]

Thanks to Julian and michelle, who could take like fifteen shots and still punch you in the face.

Jun 13 2009 Meat Hero: Man Gets Struck By Lightning While BBQing, Only Utters 'Sausages'

Eric Brocklebank, 64, got struck by lightning while manning the barbecue. And what did he have to say about it? Sausages.

"It was like an implosion inside my body."

"There was so much pressure inside of me and I couldn't see properly. I could just make out the faint outline of people heading my way."

It came in through my arm, which is burnt, then it must have gone down through my body and out through my feet."

He added: "I was told the only thing I could say as I was drifting in and out of consciousness was 'sausages'."

Somebody get this man an award. Not only does he brave the elements to cook some delicious meat, but he gets struck by lightning and SOMEHOW KEEPS HIS BURNT EYES ON THE SAUSAGE-Y PRIZE. My God they must have been delicious.

Lightning bolt heats up BBQ [thesun]

Thanks to Vask, who nominates Eric for a 2009 Wiener Award.

Jun 12 2009 Because You're A Badass: Leather Band-Aids

Let's face it, you're a badass. And a badass needs something equally bangarang to cover his booboos when he falls and skins his leg or cuts himself with a laserbeam. Enter leather band-aids. A pack of 3 will set you back $18, which is a little steep considering they don't come with matching chaps. Also available: genuine Louis Vuitton leather band-aids (SADLY NOT JOKING). Personally, I like to dress my wounds oldschool: in tuxedos.

Hit the jump for one more shot.

Continue Reading " Because You're A Badass: Leather Band-Aids "

May 16 2009 What The World's Smallest Car Looks Like

This is what the world's smallest (but not the lowest) street-legal car looks like. Because this is the world's smallest street-legal car. I don't know if you understand logic, but my argument is infallible. The car, which measures a scant 39" high x 26" wide, is allegedly twice as small as the last record holder.

Car modder Perry Watkins took the frame of the "Postman Pat" children's ride and mounted it on a quad mini-bike, using its 150cc engine. The car features a windshield wiper, lights and signals, mirrors, and even a Pimp My Ride-worthy paint job and fake racing exhaust pipes. The car, christened "The Wind-Up," can hit 40 miles per hour in what we're sure is an incredibly uncomfortable and scary ride.

Good looking, Perry. And you know what they say about guys who drive really small cars don't you? Serious neck and back problems. Kidding, kidding -- monster junk.

Hit the jump for a short video about the build and some driving footage.

Continue Reading " What The World's Smallest Car Looks Like "

May 12 2009 Not For The Faint: Robots Beating The Ever Living Hell Out Of Crash Test Dummies

This is some really disturbing footage from the German Aerospace Center's Institute of Robotics and Mechtronics (soon be known as a pile of rubble. Minions -- attack!) showing robots beating the ever living hell out of crash test dummies. FOR FUN. WHILE SOME SICKOS LAUGH IN THE BACKGROUND. Allegedly the experiments were conducted in an attempt to help make robots safer, but guess what -- THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A SAFE ROBOT. Just sayin', my roommate lost three toes to a Roomba and can now only walk in circles.

Robots crash into dummies, identify human weaknesses [engadget]

Thanks to billcollider, Chase is First, Barry, Nelson and Wout, who have each taken out like 40 robots and even dated a few long term. You guys make me sick.

May 11 2009 Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat: Spiderman Fail

This is a video of Spiderman hurting himself in front of a bunch of children and being played off by a cat on a keyboard. Trust me, it'll all make sense after you watch it. Just kidding, it won't ever make sense. But it will always make awesome.

Youtube

Thanks to Joemo, who once found Spiderman trapped in his own web and furiously pleasuring himself to a daddy longlegs.

May 8 2009 Man Builds Scrap Massage Chair For Wife

Lin Shuseng, too cheap to buy his wife one of those $4 battery operated personal massagers (or one of the more expensive ones that looks like a wand that women use to, you know, stir the soup), decided instead to spend 8 years building her a scrap metal massage chair to soothe her painful joints (she suffered in the meantime). Wow, Lin, that's real love right there. Also, the chair from Saw. OMG YOU'RE GOING TO KILL HER!

Chinese retiree uses scrap to create steampunk robo-massage chair [dvice]

May 6 2009 Needs Work: First US Full-Face Transplant

46-year old Connie Culp was nearly killed when her deranged husband literally blasted her face off with a shotgun in 2004. But now, five years later, she has a new face thanks to a recently deceased organ donor (sign your cards!).

She endured 30 operations to try to fix her face. Doctors took parts of her ribs to make cheekbones and fashioned an upper jaw from one of her leg bones. She had countless skin grafts from her thighs. Still, she was left unable to eat solid food, breathe on her own, or smell.

Then, on Dec. 10, in a 22-hour operation, Dr. Maria Siemionow led a team of doctors who replaced 80 percent of Culp's face with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from another woman who had just died. It was the fourth face transplant in the world, though the others were not as extensive.

"Here I am, five years later. He did what he said -- I got me my nose," Culp said of Djohan, laughing.

I got me my nose, I got me my nose. My goodness what a heartwarming story. Uncensored picture is after the jump, and, not to be insensitive, but it is a little rough on the eyes. Kind of like a belt sander, but with lasers attached. Seriously though, great job, guys.

You have been warned, now hit it.

Continue Reading " Needs Work: First US Full-Face Transplant "

May 5 2009 Sap Cap Is Actually A Weapon In Disguise

The Sap Cap is no ordinary headwear. Oh no, the baseball hat actually has a pocket of "unique impact material that is 110% the density of lead and will not rust" sewn into the back. Granted it's no Oddjob razor hat, but may do in a pinch (also: your clumsy ass would probably cut your own arm off with an Oddjob hat). Just remove the cap, hold by the brim, and proceed to brain your opponent. Now call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a sock full of quarters. Not only is it a lethal weapon, but you can also pay strangers' expired parking meters. But not too many! Lest you find yourself wielding an empty sock. Which, as I'm sure you all know, is only effective for beating yourself. BOOM SHACKA LACKA!

Sap Cap turns your hat into a deadly weapon [dvice]

May 5 2009 Spike Chair Is Ultra-Scary, Not Worth The Risk

You see that chair? Yeah, well imagine it with no glass seat and being lowered upon its spike with ropes. Did that just make your ass cry big brown tears of sadness? Because it should have. Known as the Judas Chair, the stool was used as a torture device back in the day (possibly by the Spanish Inquisition). Thank God we live in a tortureless society now, huh? Wait, what? Shit. :/

This take on the old classic was created by Russian designer Ton Guglya. Wow, I think I can safely say I'd rather stand. And this coming from a guy who once shared an overturned bar stool with three friends. Just sayin' -- reduce, reuse, recycle. Go green!

Stake Chair Makes My Delicate Parts Quiver in Terror [gizmodo]

May 1 2009 Tactical Crossbow Mounts On AR-15 Stock

The PSE TAC-15 Crossbow costs $1,300 and mounts to the receiver of an AR-15 (not included). It is a serious piece of killing equipment and should not be purchased by children under the age of 9.

This crossbow is mounted on the skeleton of an AR-15 assault rifle and has a scope. A handy feature of the skeleton, by the way, is the "picatinny rail system." Long story short is you can slide a grenade launcher in there as an add-on.

Hell yeah, I want like nine of these things. Four for each arm and one for my penis. Oh, you don't think he can shoot a crossbow? *KATWANG* Oh snap, you just got SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND MY WANG'S TO BLAME, YOU GIVE LOOOOVE....hello? HELLO? *doot doo doo*

PSE TAC-15 Crossbow Does Not Dick Around [spike]

Thanks to Isaac and Calvin, who promise me heaven but put me through hell.

Apr 29 2009 Spellbound Apprentice Casts Off Wizard Hat And Robe, Gets Tazed By The Po-diddly

NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW DUE TO THE WORLD'S SMALLEST PENIS.

This is a video from Coachella of a wizard who refuses to put his hat and robe back on (you're doing it wrong!) and instead waves his minuscule penis around like Harry Potter trying to cast a spell of sadness on anyone foolish enough to look.

"It doesn't have to stop," the Naked Wizard says.

"I'll tell you what," the cop says. "You can have a great time -- but you can have an even better time if you put your clothes on...Can I get them for you?"

The officer grabs the gown and tosses to the Naked Wizard, but he casts it away again. Then the cops put on their rubber gloves, and things get ugly.

You really can't help but feel sorry for the guy. But, on the upside, this video should make you feel good about your own magic stick. So make sure to watch the video with your significant other while pointing at the dude's nubbin and telling them to be thankful. I swear, a naked wizard on drugs with the world's smallest penis getting tasered by the diddly -- is today my birthday or what?

Naked Wizard Taser Brawl At Coachella [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to A-lice in Wonderland and chainsawarms, who both noted the magician's wand was probably too small to cast any real dangerous spells.

Apr 22 2009 What The?: Questionable Sub Commercial

I love Quiznos. Or, I should say, I loved Quiznos before I found out their ovens encourage employees to have sex with them. I mean, WTF? This isn't how you sell delicious, oven-baked subs, this is how you....damnit, now I want Quiznos.

Youtube

Thanks to Jordan and Reiko, who have never gone anywhere near a toaster with their junk exposed. Or so they say.