Nov 13 2009 VIDEO Of Bugatti Veyron Crash Into Marsh. Oh, And I Called It -- No Low-Flying Pelican

Apparently some kids happened to videotape the $1.6 million Bugatti Veyron crash from the other day. And, surprise surprise, there was no "low-flying pelican". Nope, just a man playing with himself in one of the world's most expensive production vehicles. Way to go, champ.

Hit the jump for a video of the car getting towed out.

Continue Reading " VIDEO Of Bugatti Veyron Crash Into Marsh. Oh, And I Called It -- No Low-Flying Pelican "

Nov 12 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Super-Rich Idiot Moron Drives $2 Million Bugatti Veyron Into Marsh

An unnamed member of the Illuminati recently drove his Bugatti Veyron into a Texas marsh because he's stupid and can't drive.

The man, who refused to give his name, was looking at real estate in Galveston.

About 3 p.m. a low-flying pelican distracted him as he traveled north on Interstate 45 just south of the hurricane levee near Omega Bay.

The man jerked the wheel, dropped his cell phone, and the car's front tire left the frontage road and entered a muddy patch, which foiled his attempt to maneuver away from the lagoon.

The Veyron's powerful engine gurgled like an outboard motor for about 15 minutes before it died.

Low-flying pelican? Really? That's the BEST you could come up with? No, I propose this man was playing a little tickle the moneybags and freaked when he realized he was gonna make a small cash deposit on the leather seats. Watson -- my pipe, please.

$2 million Bugatti crashes into lagoon [galvestondailynews]

Thanks to Demon Spawn, who may or may not have horns and a tail.

Nov 10 2009 I'd Demand A Discount: Shoryuken Fail

This is a picture of some poor bastard's Street Fighter tattoo that's supposed to depict the directions for performing Ryu's Shoryuken (Rising Dragon Fist). Only thing is, the correct directions are →↓↘ + P, and not ↓→↘ + P. So yeah, that's a whole lot of black ink gone wrong. Although you've got to admit, even if it were correct, that tattoo would still suck compared to my 'Charge ↓ 2 sec, ↑ + K'. I also have some tribal shit on my arms BECAUSE I AM PART OF A TRIBE. Called Quest. Can I kick it? Yes I can!

Whoops [kotaku]

Thanks to Jimmy, who has the characters for General Tso's and Moo Goo Gai Pan on his upper back.

Nov 3 2009 Plane Passenger Accidentally Ejects Himself

I know what you're thinking, "big deal, I eject myself all the time", but you're thinking of something different. You see, this guy accidentally ejected himself from a plane mid-flight. WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

The South African air force has confirmed the incident that took place last Wednesday, when the passenger took off for a flight with an experienced pilot from South Africa's Silver Falcons air display team. Investigators are assuming that the passenger tried to steady himself while the pilot was putting the Pilatus PC-7 Mk II through its paces by grabbing the eject lever.

A retired SAAF instructor pilot said the passenger was extremely lucky to have survived the ejection with barely a scratch.

He discounted the possibility that the seat fired of its own accord, as too many safety features were built into the system.

"All it takes is for the firing handle [the rubbery black- and yellow-striped loop] to be pulled up about 2,5cm and you're on your way out."

Haha, that's awesome. I wonder what was going through the poor bastard's head. I imagine something like, "HOOOOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!". Also, I would have done the same thing. How many people can say they've ejected from a plane before? And, more importantly, does it warrant a free drink at the bar? It does? Sweeeeeet. Because then I pulled the lever and was all like PSSSSSHOOOOOOW!! Bourbon please.

Man accidentally ejects himself from plane [mail&guardian]

Thanks to Russell, who once ejected himself from a Big Wheels trying to jump a recycling bin. And to Equalizer, who once ejected himself from bed and ran like hell after sleeping with a Wookie.

Nov 2 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Crazy Fork Lift Accident

I got to operate a fork lift once, and let me tell you: I've never seen Lowe's employees run so fast. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED PAINT MIXED?! Anyway, this is a horrible fork lift accident that destroys nearly $250K of precious vodka in distribution center. Oh the humanity! Still, it is pretty awesome. And by awesome I mean devastating. And by devastating I mean very, very awesome. FULL CIRCLE BABY, who's down for an elephant walk?!

Fork Lift Accident Brings Down The Warehouse [break]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, Zach and Kelly, who don't destroy booze, booze destroys them. Same here, guys.

Nov 1 2009 White House Halloween Captioning Fail

I dunno, maybe that's the way Buzz is gonna look in Toy Story 3.

Michelle Obama channels Catwoman for White House Halloween extravaganza [dailymail]

Thanks to Bill, who's smart enough to recognize Samus when he sees her.

Oct 9 2009 NASA's Moon Bombing High-Five Fail

This is a short video from the live-feed at NASA showing the group responsible for bombing the moon celebrating after a job well done. Just watch red shirt there get snubbed by black shirt after initiating a high-five sequence. THEY EVEN MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT. Geez, talk about awkward. I've only aborted a high-five once, and that was because I knew the guy didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Seriously bro, I'm not touching your junk.

Youtube

Thanks to Martyn, who has never been denied a high-five BECAUSE HE WILL RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND DO IT HIMSELF IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

Sep 30 2009 Video Game Deletes Files Off Your Computer

Lose/Lose is a video game created by Zach Gage that plays like a traditional space shooter, but with a twist!

Lose/Lose is a video-game with real life consequences. Each alien in the game is created based on a random file on the players computer. If the player kills the alien, the file it is based on is deleted. If the players ship is destroyed, the application itself is deleted.

Although touching aliens will cause the player to lose the game, and killing aliens awards points, the aliens will never actually fire at the player. This calls into question the player's mission, which is never explicitly stated, only hinted at through classic game mechanics. Is the player supposed to be an aggressor? Or merely an observer, traversing through a dangerous land?

Why do we assume that because we are given a weapon an awarded for using it, that doing so is right?

I didn't actually bother reading all that because oh I dunno, I WAS TOO BUSY WHIPPING SOME ALIEN ASS! Unfortunately, the bug-eyed bastards got me in the end. Now, what happened to Photoshop?

Zach's Porfolio (game is available for download there)

Thanks to Luciano, who managed to kill all the aliens AND save the princess AND see Samus Aran naked because the man is a damn hero.

Sep 16 2009 Don't Friend Your Mom: More Facebook Fails

You gotta love it when your mom publicly congratulates you on Facebook for breaking your spell of sexlessness. Isn't that right, mom? *high-five* But seriously, knock next time. Also, this sock needs washing.

Hit the jump for three more Facebook faux pas.

Continue Reading " Don't Friend Your Mom: More Facebook Fails "

Aug 25 2009 How Not To Private Message On Facebook

This is 41-year old idiot moron Tracy T-something trying to send lover Michael a Facebook message expressing how much she loved him recently railing her but instead posting the note ON HER OWN WALL (admit it, we've been there). Wow, Tracy, what are you doing with this Michael character anyway if you're engaged? And what the hell is a permanent invitation to "the-love-cave-between-my-legs?" Don't get me wrong, I love camping with bears as much as the next guy, BUT I'M NOT MOVING INTO THE CAVE. I would, however, start a fire in there and grill some mammoth.

Picture [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Lee and Lisa, who understand the internet is magic but can still send a message where they mean to.

Aug 20 2009 For The (Clumsy) Ladies: Twilight Bandages

Look down. Do you have breasts? If so, you're a woman or a man who could afford to lose some weight. Either of which may be interested in these Twilight bandages. They're band-aids, but with Twilight shit on them. Now, not to flaunt my superior product design skills or anything, but they should have made the bandages look like vampire bites. BOOM, $1 million idea. You'd have girls throwing themselves off their bicycles just so they could wear more of them. Oh, right, Twi-hards are cutters.

Product Site (sorry ladies, currently sold out)

Thanks to ech0z, who doesn't wear bandages because he has the healing properties of Wolverine, but is way more rugged and handsome. There, I did it -- now pay up.

Aug 7 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Dell Shipping Options

I don't even want to know how much this shipping option is, but one thing is certain: it's not worth it. Not only is the box being crushed, but it's upside down! Dude, you're getting a Dell broken computer.

Thanks to Todd, who, for actually taking the picture, receives today's unsafe driver award. Congratulations!

Aug 2 2009 You Did It Wrong: Building Demolition Fail

This is a video of a building demolition in Turkey (arguably my favorite country on rye) gone horribly wrong. Now I'm not saying I could have done better, but I totally could have. With fireworks.

Youtube

Thanks to Lord Tarl, who once imploded a building simply by looking at it funny (and secretly pushing the detonator).

Jul 15 2009 VISA Card Users Charged $23 Quadrillion

Several people rocking VISA prepaid credit cards got a peculiar $23,148,855,308,184,500 charge this week when using their VISA BUXX cards. That's 23 quadrillion dollars. To put that figure in layman's terms, it's almost double what I'm suing Disney for.

In New Hampshire, Josh Muszynski said he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and when he later checked his account online found that he had been charged

In North Texas, Jon Seale saw the same 17-figure bill on his credit card statement, presumably for a meal July 13 at a restaurant owned by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck.

Uh-oh -- I smell a Wolfgang Puck/big tobacco conspiracy. Rumor has it that dirty Austrian's been cooking with tommaco for years!

Visa card surprise: $23,148,855,308,184,500 [msnbc]

Thanks to Justin, Stephanie and debaser, who are now addicted to Wolfgang Puck brand pasta sauce.

Jul 13 2009 Idiot Moron Falls Into Manhole While Texting

Teenager Alexa Longueira fell into a manhole while texting and walking. And I think we can all agree: under no circumstances should she be granted a license.

She was walking along Victory Boulevard about to read a text message on her girlfriend's cell phone when the sidewalk was suddenly gone.

"Like, there was no warning about a big, open hole," she said.

It was a big, open manhole.

Alexa tumbled six feet underground and landed in four inches of raw sewage.

Warning? You don't need a warning IT'S A GIANT HOLE. I bet at least six blind people avoided it that very same day. And what was the other thing? Oh yeah -- I hope Master Splinter and the gang whipped your ass while you were down there.

Texting teen falls into manhole [abclocal]

Thanks to Slopez, who fought off three ninjas and two vikings while sending me this tip via SMS.

May 14 2009 How To Quit: The Best Resignation EVER

Now you see folks, THAT is how you quit a job. Remember: the goal whenever leaving an organization is to ensure it crumbles behind you as you walk out the door. So, at that very moment, your employer realizes just how under-appreciated you were. And then is crushed under the rubble.

Hit the jump for three more resignations, which were all part of Cracked's 'I Quit' Photoshop contest.

Continue Reading " How To Quit: The Best Resignation EVER "

Apr 29 2009 Highly Questionable: No Wash Boxers

No Wash boxers were designed by 29-year old medical student Rob Libfeld who claims he came up with the idea when he noticed how embarrassed patients in the hospital were of their soiled, all white underwear. As you can see, the $13 drawls are all yellow in the front and brown in the back, so you can piss and shit to your incontinent heart's content with little to no visible embarrassment. However, there will still be a smell, so be sure to look around quizzically to expel any blame.

No wash underwear hides stains, not odours [newslite]

Thanks James, and remember: he who protested it, foam-crested it.

Apr 27 2009 Devil Worshipping Mega Fail: The Satanist Star I Cut Into My Arm

This is definitely NOT how you pledge your allegiance to the dark lord. You show up at the Pit of Eternal Damnation with this thing on your arm and a bunch of imps are just gonna laugh at you and then take turns packing your asshole full of hot charcoals. Just sayin', tsssssssssss.

I Cut the Satan Star Into My Arm! [youthink]

Thanks to Yopoleo, who once beat the devil in a fiddling contest and never received his golden violin prize. I warned you, Yopoleo, you can't trust that horned bastard.

Apr 13 2009 Asleep At The Keyboard: Candle 1, Laptop 0

Dripping candle is dripping. But seriously, I've been looking for a way to spice up the ol' love life, and my hand doesn't go numb anymore. So I've been thinking about ordering a hooker. I guess what I'm getting at is this: as a natural-born pyromaniac, is bring a flame into the bedroom safe? And, if so, what do you guys recommend?

UPDATE: Hello, 911? YEAH -- THERE IS A HOOKER ON FIRE IN MY APARTMENT! My name? My name is *click*

Candle Fail [failblog]
via
In a Fight Between Candle and Laptop, Candle Usually Wins [gizmodo]

Mar 16 2009 I'm Toasty: Pogo Failures Warm The Heart

Let's face it: watching people hurt themselves is one of life's most simple and rewarding pleasures. Especially when they're doing something as stupid as extreme pogo-ing (if that's even a real thing. read: it's not). The video is 5:30 long, but the last two minutes don't have any pain, so you don't need to watch them. I did though, hoping they were building up to somebody losing the entire stick up their ass, but sadly, no.

Failed Pogo Stick Compilation [break]

Thanks to MoD, who doesn't have time to pogo because there's always a woman between his legs. Nice MoD, I want a woman there -- all I have is a lapdog.