Nov 10 2009 I'd Demand A Discount: Shoryuken Fail
This is a picture of some poor bastard's Street Fighter tattoo that's supposed to depict the directions for performing Ryu's Shoryuken (Rising Dragon Fist). Only thing is, the correct directions are →↓↘ + P, and not ↓→↘ + P. So yeah, that's a whole lot of black ink gone wrong. Although you've got to admit, even if it were correct, that tattoo would still suck compared to my 'Charge ↓ 2 sec, ↑ + K'. I also have some tribal shit on my arms BECAUSE I AM PART OF A TRIBE. Called Quest. Can I kick it? Yes I can!
Whoops [kotaku]
Thanks to Jimmy, who has the characters for General Tso's and Moo Goo Gai Pan on his upper back.
Sep 9 2009 Cowboy Stadium's Big Black Screen Of Fail
This is a picture in the Dallas Cowboys stadium of a giant display that is connected to a computer that (and I'm using my Sherlock Holmes-y powers of deduction here) was improperly shut down. Just a guess. Oh, here comes another!: morbidly obese. I know, I'd make a killing at the fair.
Dallas Cowboys Stadium Continues Streak of Giant Screen Fails [gizmodo]
Apr 27 2009 Devil Worshipping Mega Fail: The Satanist Star I Cut Into My Arm
This is definitely NOT how you pledge your allegiance to the dark lord. You show up at the Pit of Eternal Damnation with this thing on your arm and a bunch of imps are just gonna laugh at you and then take turns packing your asshole full of hot charcoals. Just sayin', tsssssssssss.
I Cut the Satan Star Into My Arm! [youthink]
Thanks to Yopoleo, who once beat the devil in a fiddling contest and never received his golden violin prize. I warned you, Yopoleo, you can't trust that horned bastard.
Mar 16 2009 I'm Toasty: Pogo Failures Warm The Heart
Let's face it: watching people hurt themselves is one of life's most simple and rewarding pleasures. Especially when they're doing something as stupid as extreme pogo-ing (if that's even a real thing. read: it's not). The video is 5:30 long, but the last two minutes don't have any pain, so you don't need to watch them. I did though, hoping they were building up to somebody losing the entire stick up their ass, but sadly, no.
Failed Pogo Stick Compilation [break]
Thanks to MoD, who doesn't have time to pogo because there's always a woman between his legs. Nice MoD, I want a woman there -- all I have is a lapdog.
Feb 23 2009 And The Scrabble Word Of The Day Is....
Dildo. Every day on Hasbro's Scrabble homepage it gives a word of the day and definition from the Official Scrabble Dictionary. Yesterday's was dildo. I took the screenshot myself too so I know there was no Photoshoppery involved. Just a disgruntled employee. Or, I dunno, a random word generator. Good looking, Scrabble, I guess kids gotta learn somehow. I happened to learn rummaging through my sister's nightstand looking for a G.I. Joe she stole. That was Saturday. I'm growing up quick!
Thanks to Wes, who is a wordsmith, but unfortunately, not a locksmith. I'm about to break a window.
Nov 4 2008 Sign Fail: Double Check Your Translation
Sign failure, always good for a laugh. At least a chortle. This one comes to us from the distant land of Wales, which may or may not be real and ruled by a powerful sorcerer. According to his black magical highness, all road signs must be bilingual, with both English and Welsh.
When officials asked for the Welsh translation of a road sign, they thought the reply was what they needed.Unfortunately, the e-mail response to Swansea council said in Welsh: "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated".
You've reached The Geekologie Writer. I'm currently unavailable, probably locked in the office supply closet again after The Superficial and Iwatchstuff writers lured me in with the promise of a floozy/pizza party. Help. HELP! Oooh, free pens.
E-mail error ends up on road sign [bbcnews]
Thanks to Tom, whose name actually means Lord Asskicker in Elvish. And Jonathan, whose name means God's Gracious Gift to Women.
Oct 24 2008 Moron Calls In Sick, Busted On Facebook
Kyle Doyle, a 21-year old asshat from Australia, went out one night and got himself good and drunk. And then, like a little pussy, didn't want to go to work the next day. So what did he do? He called his employer and told them he was out due to a "valid medical reason". But then he updated his Facebook profile.
Kyle Doyle is not going to work, f*** it i'm still trashed SICKIE WOO.
Oh man, I want to get trashed SICKIE WOO. I don't even know what it means but damn it sounds like fun. But seriously Kyle, accept my friendship request already.
Hit the jump to read the full exchange between Kyle and HR from when he tried to get his leave processed as a valid sick day.
Continue Reading " Moron Calls In Sick, Busted On Facebook "
Oct 22 2008 Russian Suspended 'Boob' Ceiling
Apparently suspended ceilings are popular in Russia because upstairs neighbors have a penchant for getting drunk and leaving the bathtub running all night.
In Russia suspended ceiling is not only a stylish element of the flat interior, it can simply save your dwelling from flood made by the careless neighbors living above. Like in this case the practice shows that it is able to gather and hold all the water. Now the question is how to pour it off safely. But just imagine you wake up one morning and your ceilings look like this!
If I woke up one morning and my ceiling looked like that I'd think, "damn, I got a sexy f***in' ceiling." And then, if nobody was around, I might do some light to moderate fondling. Just kidding, I don't care who sees.
Hit the jump for several more shots, including one that shows why you wouldn't want to suckle these things (the last one).
Oct 21 2008 Literal Translation Of A Freestyle Rap Battle
Well we've seen a couple literally translated music videos in recent history, and now comes a rap battle, carefully translated by a well-spoken honkey. I love the part about having sexual relations with the other guy's biological mother (around 2:00) -- rappers really do that shit, it's true. And then, at the end of the video, they actually start fighting because the one dude is all up on his tippytoes trying to kiss the other one. I didn't get that part.
Hit the jump to see the very NSFW (due to language) original video.
Continue Reading " Literal Translation Of A Freestyle Rap Battle "
Sep 24 2008 Woops: Guy Mishandles Antique
I remember seeing this a while ago, but for those of you who have yet to witness its awesomeness, here it is: some guy showing off his one of a kind antique recording. Warning: he says shit and the host of the show made me punch through my monitor. But still, totally worth a watch.
Old man breaks one of a kind antique [googlevideo]
Thanks to chaosthirteen, who agrees there's just nothing funnier than another person's misfortune.
Aug 18 2008 Man Humps Steel Bench, Almost Loses Junk
I have no idea what some of you tipsters' obsession is with guys getting their junk stuck in things, but it's borderline disturbing (just kidding, it's totally rad). But here goes: Xing, a 41-year old man, was wandering through LanTian park in Hong Kong late one night when he thought to himself, "I should stick my penis in a steel park bench, you know, for the Olympics." And that's what he did. Unfortunately, mid-coitus Xing realized he was stuck and called the police using his cell phone.
When police arrived, Xing was moaning in pain and stuck face down to the bench. They tried several penis-liberating options (including taking blood) before sawing the entire bench off and taking it to the hospital. 4 hours later Xing had his penis back, sans giant metal bench attachment. Good thing too, because doctors said one hour longer and they would have chopped his member off. Oh man, this reminds me of the time I made love to a hole in a tree during a camping trip. Hello woodpecker nest! Seriously, I pee out the side of my penis now.
Hit the jump for two more pictures of Xing and a video news report. Warning: lots of painful moaning. Lots. A lot, a lot. Tons. Never heard so much painful moaning. Also, added another link to a story about a guy that had sex with the umbrella hole of his picnic table so often that his neighbor finally filmed it and called the police. You're welcome.
Continue Reading " Man Humps Steel Bench, Almost Loses Junk "
Aug 15 2008 Mmmmm, Gamey: The NES Lunchbox
So somebody made an Instructable about how to turn a NES into a lunchbox. I can't imagine it's all that difficult, but the last time I tried to mod anything I ended up with a nipple infection. Hey, piercing looked easy. So yeah, make your own NES lunchbox. Or, if you give me a few hours, I'll make a PS3 lunchbox and post an Instructable.
UPDATE: Shit, I think I voided the warranty.
NES Lunchbox [albotas]
Jul 24 2008 ZombieHarmony: The Zombie Of Your Dreams Is Only A Click Away
Still looking for that special someone zombie? Well look no further than ZombieHarmony, an online dating service for the undead. ZombieHarmony...because the apocalypse doesn't have to be lonely. But don't go trying to use the site if you haven't been infected.
Disclaimer: ZombieHarmony is for zombies only. We advise signing up for ZombieHarmony only if you lack a pulse, have limited motor skills, or feel an intense desire to feast on human beings. We are not responsible for lost or ingested loved ones. If you go on a date with a zombie, we cannot be held liable for contributing to the apocalypse.
Please date responsibly: bring a baseball bat or crowbar.
Despite the warning, I used the site anyways and think I found the zombie of my dreams, her name is LimblessLisa, and she's gorgeous in a corspy kinda way. Just kidding, I don't think the site really works, it's just a fun looking frontpage. Sorry to let you down, sickos. But seriously, if you want to date an undead bitch with a taste for blood my ex-girlfriend's number is (XXX) XXX-XXXX.
UPDATE: Had to remove the number. Haha, I'm being sued!
Thanks to Alex, Julian, and Shawn, all of whom used the website to score some zombie brain.
Jul 18 2008 Epic Failure: Translate Server Error
If you're ever in China you have got to hit up Translate server error. Best food EVER.
Then we'll grab a bite at 404 Not Found [adfreak]
NOTE: I don't actually know if that's a restaurant or what. Anybody that can read it feel free to add.
Thanks Jason, a problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer.
Have a great weekend everyone, I'll miss you.
Jul 16 2008 Oops: How Not To Use A Drive-Through ATM
This is how not to use a drive-through ATM. Now I hate to sound sexist or anything, but this is quite clearly a woman's doing. So what if the only people in the truck were a guy and his 10-year old son? His wife probably demanded some cash before allowing them to leave on their male-bonding camping trip. And you know what she was gonna use the money for while they were gone? Shoes. Shoes and, more than likely, a male stripper. Now do I know women or do I know women? I freaking know them like the back of my hand. See, there's the scar from when I cut myself opening a can of catfood, and there's the...wait a minute, I don't remember getting a "chauvinist asshole" tattoo.
Note: Thankfully, both the driver and his son escaped from the truck unharmed.
Thanks Kate and Jaybone, either one of you want to be towed behind my truck on an office chair? We could go through the drive through at Dairy Queen and get ice creams.
Jul 15 2008 Crashed B-2 Bomber Pics Get Me Misty Eyed
If there's one thing that's sad, it's the death of a pet. Followed distantly by $1.2 billion plane crashes. And, while we've already posted another picture and video of the crash, here are some nice close-ups of the now infamous wreck. Pretty sad isn't it? I think so. Of course, it's not as bad as when Hammy the Hamster went. There are very few things sadder than watching your dad cook and eat your only friend because you couldn't make it to base in a little league game.
Hit the jump for two more pictures, including one of a firetruck and another of two doctors crawling through a field with a steampunk computer. Just kidding, apparently they're deactivating remaining explosives in the ejector seat.
Continue Reading " Crashed B-2 Bomber Pics Get Me Misty Eyed "
May 27 2008 Epic Failure: Skydiving Record Attempt
Well folks, I miraculously survived three days of trying to kill myself with the drink (one more miracle and I'm eligible for sainthood). So here I am -- unrested, unshaven, generally unkempt, and ready to post. I hope you all had a good holiday weekend, it's great to see all your bright and shining faces this morning -- I missed you.
So on Sunday 64-year old Michael Fournier was set to break several world records and provide valuable data on what sort of impact damage a dead body can do to the earth with a skydiving jump from 40,000 meters (~25 miles).
Mr. Fournier was hoping to break the record for the fastest and longest free fall, the highest parachute jump and the highest balloon flight. He was planning to jump from a point three-times higher than a commercial jetliner flies. Mr Fournier was to wear a pressurized suit to protect him from the extreme low pressure and temperatures down to -100C. Sophisticated camera equipment was supposed to record key moments of the jump, particularly when he broke the sound barrier at 35,000m.
That's right folks, that crazy mother was gonna reach speeds around 1,000 MPH and break the damn sound barrier! That's one tough grandpa. Mine doesn't do shit but drink gin and sit on the porch carving wooden vaginas. So why didn't he end up making the jump? Was it the weather, a fear of death, or a problem with the pressurized suit? Nope, they forgot to properly attach the freaking balloon to his capsule.
...his helium balloon detached from its capsule as it was being inflated, and drifted away into the sky.
God that's freaking pathetic. Now I've gotten high and tried to beat world records before (namely the number of deviled eggs eaten in two minutes), but never have I failed as epically as that (unless projectile vomiting deviled eggs counts, which it doesn't). So what can we all learn from this? That Fournier's loose balloon (lower right) looks like a giant floating prophylactic. And I think we can all agree that's a valuable life lesson.
Jump record fails to take flight [bbcnews]
Apr 11 2008 Crashed B2 Stealth Bomber Looks Sad
Remember the story about the Stealth Bomber that crashed in February? Well here's the aftermath. I know, it's almost too sad to bear. What was once a wicked $1.2 billion technological marvel is now a burnt-out shell of its former self. *sniffle* I hope we can all learn a valuable lesson from this. Namely that my girlfriend should forgive me for crashing her car into her cousin's wedding party. Let's just say the dramatic entrance I had planned for the event went horribly, horribly wrong.
Another picture of a much happier B2 after the jump.
Mar 4 2008 UV Light Kills Germs, Chance Of Being Normal
This handheld UV scanner costs $30 and runs on 4 AAA batteries. You wave it over an object you're going to touch and it kills 99.9% of germs. But I've got news for you -- it's that 0.01% of germs that'll kill you. No, seriously -- those are the ones that are so tough nothing can faze them. It's actually funny that I found this online because an ex-neighbor of mine had one of these and swore by it. He wouldn't touch anything without blasting it with UV first. So you know what I did? I coughed all over the back of the handle when he was out of the room. And then you know what he did? He died. Yeah, apparently he had some sort of disease that made regular germs fatal. Oops. I feel really bad too because the couple that bought his house are a-holes who I can't stand and they don't even keep the yard looking nice.
Handheld Disinfecting UV Scanner [ohgizmo]
Mar 4 2008 Little Boy Calls Himself 'Magneto Man', Breaks Computers, Is Proud, Thinks He's Famous
Joe Falciatano III (of the Falciatano dynasty) is 12-years old and has broken 12 computers in his school's computer lab. They thought it had something to do with magnetism, but it's now believed to be a static issue related to his over-insulated shoes. Personally, I think it's because his mom banged Magneto while the X-Men were on vacation. That's just my theory though (which is correct). He even calls himself "Magneto Man", despite being 12-years old and unable to produce facial hair. Finally some brainiac, whose intelligence is undoubtedly up there with the likes of Einstein, suggested he wear an anti-static wrist strap. Lo and behold the problems stopped! Now, call me crazy, but why did it take 12 broken computers to finally get the kid to wear a freaking wrist strap? Wow, computer lab teacher. Wow. If a kid broke one computer in my lab they'd be wearing a lot more than a wrist strap. Namely a size 12 Puma up their ass. I love kids.
Video report after the jump.
