May 5 2009 Spike Chair Is Ultra-Scary, Not Worth The Risk

You see that chair? Yeah, well imagine it with no glass seat and being lowered upon its spike with ropes. Did that just make your ass cry big brown tears of sadness? Because it should have. Known as the Judas Chair, the stool was used as a torture device back in the day (possibly by the Spanish Inquisition). Thank God we live in a tortureless society now, huh? Wait, what? Shit. :/

This take on the old classic was created by Russian designer Ton Guglya. Wow, I think I can safely say I'd rather stand. And this coming from a guy who once shared an overturned bar stool with three friends. Just sayin' -- reduce, reuse, recycle. Go green!

Stake Chair Makes My Delicate Parts Quiver in Terror [gizmodo]

Feb 10 2009 It's About Time: How To Convert Your Natural Joystick Into A Functional Atari Controller

NOTE: VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW DEPENDING ON HOW YOUR EMPLOYER FEELS ABOUT A GUY TREATING HIS JUNK LIKE AN ATARI JOYSTICK.

Wow, I've seen it all now. And, quite frankly, I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier.

(The Joydick is) a wearable haptic device for controlling video gameplay based on realtime male masturbation. Through the use of a carefully designed strap-on interface, the user's penis is converted into a joystick capable of moving the character onscreen in all four cardinal directions. For games requiring the fire button, a separate ring can be worn which converts hand-strokes into button presses.

Super, so it can move in all four cardinal directions -- but what about the hummingbird directions, huh? I've heard they can fly backwards. BOOM! That was your head exploding from my profoundness. Take the rest of the day off, GW's orders.

Joydick Atari game controller [boingboing]

Thanks to Amanda, Praveen and Stirling, who don't need this because they have the power to enter video games and have sex with the actual characters. Joust, baby, Joust.

Dec 23 2008 Yes Please!: Real Life Thor Hammers

Definitely watch this to the very end. It's a bunch of kids running around with real-life Thor hammers. I have no idea if this is some kind of religious celebration or what, but if it is, I'm converting. My sex -- I want a vagina.

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Thanks to Yo poleo, who once made an explosive chainsaw and lived to tell about it.

Nov 18 2008 Wrong, Just Wrong: Sexy Microphone Video

First of all, these videos are NSFW because they're all of of some chick pleasuring a microphone. Jesus, I feel dirty just posting them. Apparently they're part of some performance piece by artist Wojciech Kosma that has something to do with, um, acoustics, and, uh, bl0wjobs. Actually, I have no idea. But I do know this: I'll never be able to watch an interview the same way again.

Hit the jump for two more equally NSFW videos of the same damn thing. How people can casually sit there and watch is beyond me. Oh, and yes, you are a pervert if you watch these.

Continue Reading " Wrong, Just Wrong: Sexy Microphone Video "

Nov 18 2008 Questionable: Highly Inappropriate Zune Ad

Allegedly this is a spec ad made for the Microsoft Zune. If it's real, I hope Microsoft demanded their money back and told the ad agency responsible they're all a bunch of sick sickos. Because this is just wrong. I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's awful. And sick. And disgusting. And morally reprehensible. Ugh, just vile. And tactless. Okay, so how'd he do that? And will finger paint work?

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Thanks "Cool Zune Ad!" Frank, I'd hate to see what you consider an uncool Zune ad.

Sep 26 2008 Safe For Work Porn Is Still Highly Questionable

Note: Possibly still NSFW

This is an allegedly safe for work porno video. It's supposedly safe because they've cleverly covered up all the action with cartoons. I dare say I found it more stimulating than the real thing. Especially the pinball scene. RAWR!

Diesel: SFW XXX [creativity-online]

Thanks to Jonathan and Patricio, who, despite the tips, insist they're not perverts.

Sep 25 2008 This Is Where Babies Come From

They just crawl out the end of this thing.

Note: Possibly NSFW depending on your employer's "watching videos of kids crawling out the end of a giant inflatable pecker" policy.

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Thanks to Romeo and Stephanie, who both agree a giant vagina would have been much more appropriate.

Sep 23 2008 Cribs: Geekologie Writer Edition

I guess things got a little out of hand.

Hit the jump for more of the disgustingness, as well as a link to a whole gallery.

Continue Reading " Cribs: Geekologie Writer Edition "

Sep 22 2008 I Just Pray To God She's Joking

Mark my words: I'm never, ever, driving again.

The Dumbest Woman On The Highway [break]

Thanks to Calypso, who's seen a tow-truck before.

Sep 22 2008 Crazy Rainbow In The Sprinkler Conpiracy

This is a video of a woman who ate a bunch of lead-based paint chips filming a rainbow that appeared in her sprinkler. She's convinced it's a government conspiracy and they're pumping something into our water/oxygen supply to run tests on us. Needless to say, I think she's on to something.

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Thanks to chaosthirteen and Stevie, who both agree with me when I say where's my tinfoil helmet?

Sep 18 2008 KITT Stolen During Publicity Event In Canada

Allegedly KITT, from the new Knight Rider series, was stolen during a publicity event in Toronto last week. I call FAKE and VIRAL.

The car was making a stop in Toronto for a publicity stunt in front of Union Station on Front Street. The car was being unloaded from its transport trailer for a crowd of onlookers. When its handler turned her back for a moment, a man darts from the median, jumps into the still-running ride, and peels off heading East on Front Street.

Apparently the car has yet to be found, and to date has not been exposed as a publicity stunt. I call complete and utter shenanigans. Regardless, I'm sure KITT will turn himself on and return to Mike's side any minute now.

UPDATE: Yep, aaaaaany minute now....

UPDATE: FAXOR! (thanks Giblet, now get your buddy Gravy over here and we'll have ourselves a feast)

Knight Rider's KITT Stolen in Toronto [themovieblog]

Thanks to Arthur and Ray, who once beat KITT in a potato sack race.

Sep 9 2008 How Not To Play Wii

This is how you don't play Wii. SPOILER ALERT (LIKE THE STILL ABOVE WASN'T ENOUGH): With a dog humping you from behind while you scream in ecstasy. I don't know what's more disturbing -- that this video was clearly set up, or that this video was clearly set up. You see what violent video games are doing to today's youth?

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Thanks Tom, and yes, I'm scarred.

Jul 23 2008 All Money And No Class: Burberry Maserati, Plus SPECIAL BONUS Chrome Ferrari

Not that we really needed any more proof that money doesn't buy class or my affection, I thought I'd post this so everyone can blow off some steam by ranting in the comments section about what possessed some nutass to Burberry his Maserati Quattroporte. It's fugly and they didn't even do a good job. I mean the lines don't even match up. I'm driving down to the Maserati dealership and I'm gonna punch the first rich person I see milling around the lot.

UPDATE: Haha, I KO'd a salesman. F*** them too.

Hit the jump for a couple closeups and a few of a chrome Ferrari 599, which would be blinding to drive or be behind, but I am embarrassingly kind of liking.

Continue Reading " All Money And No Class: Burberry Maserati, Plus SPECIAL BONUS Chrome Ferrari "

Jul 22 2008 Gun + Knife = Gnife Knun Knife-Gun

The Knife-Gun is the lovechild of a small caliber handgun that humped a switchblade at the monthly gun & knife show they hold at the civic center. I couldn't find much more information on it, except that they're allegedly for sale and it looks like it shoots a pretty small caliber round. Probably more effective than the WASP Knife at a distance though. But it probably sucks underwater. Still, I love hybrid weapons, and this little puppy inspired me to invent the boomerang grenade. See, you pull and pin and throw it, and then it flies around and comes ba....okay, so it needs some work.

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Thanks Lee, I owe you a beer. Haha, just kidding.

Jul 21 2008 Run By Monkeys?: HP's Shipping Department

HP just flipped Mother Nature the bird and shipped sixteen 2-page software licenses inside a huge freaking box. Inside the box were another 16 smaller boxes, each containing a single two-page license (picture of the big box after the jump). Now I'm not saying this infraction warrants a bag of packing peanuts be crammed up the shipping department's collective ass, but I am strongly hinting at it. And, I dunno, maybe sealing the hole with some packing tape. Can't have those peanuts getting loose, bad for the environment.

Hit the jump for the big box.

Continue Reading " Run By Monkeys?: HP's Shipping Department "

Jul 16 2008 Tempest Storm, Born 1928, Still Stripping

Tempest Storm was born in 1928 by some other name and was stripping by 1950. And guess what -- she's still at it. And, oh, I just puked a little.

"I don't just get up there and rip my clothes off," she says.

Indeed, the 80-year-old burlesque queen takes her clothes off very slowly.

Her act is a time capsule. She knows nothing of poles. She would never put her derriere in some man's face. Her prop of choice is a boa, perhaps the occasional divan.

It takes four numbers, she says adamantly, four numbers to get it all off. To do it classy.

I disagree Tempest, three minutes is about all the class I can stand. Anyway, the geriatric Storm claims she dated Elvis and regularly danced for the likes of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Mickey Rooney, Nat King Cole, and The Geekologie Writer's great-grandfather. Okay, the puke dribble has developed into a full fledged projectile vomit, so I'm gonna have to wrap things up here with another quote.

Oh my God, I'm emptying my whole stomach.

Ha, I quoted myself. Hit the jump for two more pictures, but a warning: one is from the back (waist up) and shows her in her stripping outfit. It's definitely suitable for work, but not for a mere mortal's eyes. You have been warned. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I WARNED YOU. WARNING, WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! F*** it, lose your sight, I don't care.

Hit it if you're cool with blindness.

Continue Reading " Tempest Storm, Born 1928, Still Stripping "

Jul 15 2008 FAKE!: Last Week's Stormtrooper Smash

Remember those Scout Trooper smashing devil-women from last week? Well, as some of you had guessed, a video released yesterday proves it was, in fact, fake. Turns out the dude was in on it the whole time and they were destroying the doll because it was already broken and they needed proof of destruction to get a replacement from Sideshow Collectibles.

Congratulations on the trickery folks, you're all a bunch of assholes! Do you know how many sleepless nights I've had since watching the original video? All of them. Honestly, this doesn't change my opinion of the women whatsoever, and I still suggest they be burned at the stake. Only now, the guy can join them.

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Thanks to entropic soul for making me wish harm on all those involved even more now.

Jul 7 2008 Devil Women Destroy Collectible Stormtrooper, Are Sick, Clearly Deserve The Death Penalty

What you are about to watch is wrong on every level. Some woman, pissed that her fiancé is in Vegas blowing money on gambling and strippers (a man's God-given right), decided to destroy his most prized possession -- a scout Stormtrooper figure. Needless to say these women are all f***ed in the head. The ringleader is even so dumb as to call the figure a "snowtrooper". Then they proceed to argue that Princess Leia looks like a dude and being obsessed with her is "sick". Clearly these women are delusional and should be locked up. The video is a pain to watch and I had to pause it several times and go outside to calm down. You'll never hate women and their sick ways more than after you watch this video. I just hope the dude remembered to bring home a little something special for his fiancé. Like a really cool VD.

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Thanks Punk Jr., but my wife knows better than to mess with my action figures. Don't you honey? Ha, no I'm not taking the tape off, just nod your head.

Jun 20 2008 Wow: Man Attempts Robbery With Palm Frond

Gelando Olivieri was a man with a plan. A plan of robbing V&F Discount Beverage on Voorhis Avenus in Deland, Florida with a palm frond sword and sandal shield. However the plan was foiled when a brave patron pushed Olivieri from the store with a little wooden stool. Gelando -- you're a freaking idiot. A palm frond? Really? Jesus, you could have at least used a rose bush.

Robber brandishes palm frond [cnn]

Thanks Isabel, I've never been less scared of a robber in my life