Jan 12 2009 Soiled Pants: The World's Scariest Hiking Trail

And that, my friends, is why I never leave the house.

Youtube
Thanks to The free faller, who took one wrong step.

Aug 11 2008 UPDATE: 8 People Buy $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone App, Now With Video Tour!

Armin Heinrich made a $1,000 iPhone application called "I Am Rich" that doesn't do anything but open a picture of a glowing red gem. That way, nobody will feel bad about stealing your phone. And, God willing, punching you in the teeth with a car.

The app displays a glowing red gem on a user's iPhone screen for the sole purpose of proving to onlookers one is of the moneyed class. That's all it does.

You know, there are a lot better ways to let people know you're rich than a damn iPhone application. Including, but not limited to: grillz, throwing money from your car, and getting your member gold plated and/or diamond encrusted. But the real sick part of this story is that 8 people bought the application before iTunes pulled it. And you know what? IT WAS ME 8 TIMES! Suck it, peasants!

UPDATE: Video tour of the app and a link to a hacked version after the jump thanks to Tony, who may or may not be in the mob.

Hit the jump for several more pictures, a video tour, and a link to the hacked app. You're rich!

Continue Reading " UPDATE: 8 People Buy $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone App, Now With Video Tour! "

Aug 5 2008 Um, Yeah: A Questionable New Energy Drink

Well folks, it happened. Somebody went and named their energy drink after a slang term for a woman's nether region. Or a cat. The one that starts with p and ends with ussy. Yep. This is almost as bad as the German Poontang Juice.

(Our product) is unique. It is made with a blend of fresh white grape juice from Southern Italy, pressed Mexican limes and lightly carbonated water. These are then mixed with Grenadilla and Lychee flavours, infused with six selected botanical herbs.

The name Pussy shocks and demands attention - that's the point. Inhibition is a recipe for mediocrity.

Oh really? Well it looks like you may have settled for a little mediocrity yourself there, Pussy. Because I just concocted my own drink, and Assf*** is gonna take the energy supplement market by storm. From behind.

Hit the jump if you really want to see the can without the censor bar, and a link to the product page.

Continue Reading " Um, Yeah: A Questionable New Energy Drink "

Jul 24 2008 ZombieHarmony: The Zombie Of Your Dreams Is Only A Click Away

Still looking for that special someone zombie? Well look no further than ZombieHarmony, an online dating service for the undead. ZombieHarmony...because the apocalypse doesn't have to be lonely. But don't go trying to use the site if you haven't been infected.

Disclaimer: ZombieHarmony is for zombies only. We advise signing up for ZombieHarmony only if you lack a pulse, have limited motor skills, or feel an intense desire to feast on human beings. We are not responsible for lost or ingested loved ones. If you go on a date with a zombie, we cannot be held liable for contributing to the apocalypse.

Please date responsibly: bring a baseball bat or crowbar.

Despite the warning, I used the site anyways and think I found the zombie of my dreams, her name is LimblessLisa, and she's gorgeous in a corspy kinda way. Just kidding, I don't think the site really works, it's just a fun looking frontpage. Sorry to let you down, sickos. But seriously, if you want to date an undead bitch with a taste for blood my ex-girlfriend's number is (XXX) XXX-XXXX.

UPDATE: Had to remove the number. Haha, I'm being sued!

ZombieHarmony

Thanks to Alex, Julian, and Shawn, all of whom used the website to score some zombie brain.

Jul 18 2008 Guy Finds Mysterious Keylogger In Laptop

Some guy opened his laptop to make a repair and found a rogue keylogger up in that mother.

What could this mean? I called Dell tech support about it, and they said, and I quote, "The integrated service tag identifier is there for assisting customers in the event of lost or misplaced personal information." He then hung up.

I called the police, as having a keylogger unknown to me in my laptop is a serious offense. They told me to call the Department of Homeland Security. At this point, I am in disbelief. Why would the DHS have a keylogger in my laptop? It was surreal.

So I called them, and they told me to submit a Freedom of Information Act request.

You can read a scanned copy of the reply to his request after the jump, but it basically says his request warrants no freedom of information. DHS for the win! Needless to say, I'm ripping my laptop apart right now.

UPDATE: Okay, I didn't find any mysterious keyloggers, but I did find a couple rogue Cheetos.

UPDATE UPDATE: False alarm. Purportedly fake -- and old. But I'm man enough to admit when I've screwed up, and this was clearly my tipsters fault. Whew, back to surfing porn.

Hit the jump for a scanned copy of the DHS reply to the request for information.

Continue Reading " Guy Finds Mysterious Keylogger In Laptop "

Jul 17 2008 Because You Hate Your Kids: Baby Wigs

First there were cat wigs, then dog wigs, and now, baby wigs. Baby Toupees are "small wigs for small people" and cost $22 apiece. Thankfully these weren't available when I was a baby or my mom would have bought them all. Baby Toupee: $22. F***ing your kids up for life: priceless.

Baby Toupee website (with a huge gallery of babies in other, discontinued models)

Thanks to Julian, who just purchased the whole set for his doll collection.

Jul 11 2008 OMG, OMG, WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

This is a video of a guy lying down on a motorcycle and text messaging, all while cruising down the highway in New Delhi, India. No way? Yes way! And also, holy shit!

Have a great weekend everybody.

Youtube

Thanks to Lockjaw and Julian for showing me the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

Jun 20 2008 Woman Died Watching TV In 1966, Found 42 Years Later, Probably Stunk In The Interim

A woman in Croatia died in 1966 while watching television in her apartment, and was just now discovered.

Hedviga Golik made herself a cup of tea and sat down to watch some television in her hometown of Zagreb, Croatia. Sadly, she died in her chair. This was in 1966. She was just found, 42 years later, in her time capsule mausoleum where she's been sitting ever since. She never finished her tea.

Apparently her apartment was never checked, despite a missing person report being filed when she went missing. Only recently did the authorities break into the unit and discover the woman while trying to determine who owned the place.

Damn, that's freaking nuts! I can't imagine how the place went unchecked for 42 years. It had to have stunk like shit for a good long while. Kind of like my place. Isn't that right, Grandma? Grandma? Awh, shit.

Woman Who Died While Watching TV Sat Unfound For 42 Years [gizmodo]

Thanks Shawn, say, you mind calling the funeral parlor?

Jun 11 2008 Darwinism At Work: How Not To Shoot A Gun

If there's one thing I love in life, it's a good gun-firing blooper video. Sex-blooper videos are good too, but often remind me of my own incredible shortcomings (falling off the toilet, thinking I'm the only one home). Well this particular video is gun-only, but still awesome. I've seriously never seen so many people who shouldn't breed in a single 1:13 video before.

Youtube

Thanks Jake, now lets go do something really dangerous. No, not like having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I said dangerous, not diseasey.

May 29 2008 Like I Really Needed Any More Proof: Foolish Scientists Teach Monkeys To Control Robots With Their Minds, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

If there's one thing I hate in the world it's robots. And that hate is only trumped by cute little monkeys in laboratories controlling robots with their brains. F'ing a. So yeah, a bunch of scientists that deserve to have their diplomas and lab jackets revoked have taught some monkeys to feed themselves using robotic arms using only their brains. Because this is supposed to help us in one way or another.

The animals were able to feed themselves using prosthetic arms, which were controlled by brain activity.

Small probes, the width of a human hair, were inserted into the monkeys' primary motor cortex - the region of the brain that controls movement.

"The more we understand about the brain, the better we'll be able to treat a wide range of brain disorders, everything from Parkinson's disease and paralysis to, eventually, Alzheimer's disease and perhaps even mental illness."

I call shenanigans. These scientists don't give two flying monkey shits about curing disease. The sick bastards are building a primate-controlled robot army to kill us all. Now let's go smash up their lab and free those poor little monkeys. Who's with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll get drunk as shit on the ride back and make the monkeys drive.

Video of the poor little guy in action after the jump.

Continue Reading " Like I Really Needed Any More Proof: Foolish Scientists Teach Monkeys To Control Robots With Their Minds, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! "

May 20 2008 More Robotic Death And Destruction, This Time Under The Guise Of "Disaster Relief"

The Disaster Relief Robot was designed by Daniel Shankland, the same sick bastard behind the Firefighting Robot. The two robots were "designed with the same core parts and then specialized for the tasks we wanted them to complete." In this case they're supposed to aid disaster relief. But let me ask you something -- does that picture really look like two robots involved in disaster relief? No, it doesn't. What it does look like is either A) two robots ravaging a city looking for color to eat or B) two robots battling each and destroying a city in the process. Neither of which paints a very colorful picture of the future (just look at it -- it's all black and white). You see what I'm getting at here? That's right, the robots of the apocalypse will be powered by ingesting color and leave the earth barren of pigment. *sniffle* I'll miss you periwinkle.

A bunch more pictures, including a close-up of the crotch, and an actual model of the thing, after the jump.

Continue Reading " More Robotic Death And Destruction, This Time Under The Guise Of "Disaster Relief" "

May 20 2008 R/C Helicockter Interrupts Russian Speech

Did you read the post title carefully? That's right folks, somebody made a flying phallus and flew it into a news conference when Russian chess grandmaster and political activist Garry Kasparov was giving a speech. No idea if Vladamir Putin was the man behind the styrofoam salami, but he most certainly was. A translation of the website I got it from? Sure.

I do not have any sympathy for the Kremlin nor holuyam rumolovtsam nor kasparovsko-limonovskim dissenting, but this event fun ...

в общем, как я понял, румоловцы запустили на каспарова сию аццкую боеголовку: In general, as I understood it live on rumolovtsy kasparova retirement hellish warhead.

From the video, obviously, that this "person Kremlin" kasparov strangely was wound circles over Limonovym until it is not brought down any of brave fighters kasparovskih.

Well there you have it, straight from the keyboard of some Ruski. And hellish warhead is right. Seriously though -- so someone flies a weapon of mass (erectile) dysfunction into your conference, big deal. Just make a penis joke and move on. I mean at least it wasn't pierced.

Arguably NSFW picture and VIDEO after the jump.

WARNING: It's a flying, relatively realistic styrofoam penis.

Continue Reading " R/C Helicockter Interrupts Russian Speech "

May 14 2008 Killer Robots Abound At Maker Faire

Michael, a brave member of my underground anti-robot coalition, the Fairly Unorganized Brotherhood Of Technology Saboteurs (FU-BOTS) did a little reconnaissance work at the recent Makers Faire to scope out our potential robotic killers. He brought along his trusty bowtie spy camera and sent me these exclusive pictures via messenger pigeon. As I've been screaming atop my soapbox forever now, we're seriously funked. Definitely hit the jump to see some of the carnage, including a robot tearing apart mannequins for practice, one about to rip an old woman's head off with its pincers, a scorpion-bot that has already cut someone's leg off, and a Birdo-inspired gunning robot. Now if I've said it once I've probably said it at least three times, people need to stop making these damn things. While Carzilla was certainly cool to see at that monster truck rally when I was six, this shit has gotten seriously out of hand -- and into limb-tearing claws. So I have no choice but to open membership to FU-BOTS to anyone who takes a pledge of robotic sabotage. Please send your applications to:

NOTE: All applications must include a picture of you destroying something metallic.

UPDATE: Another reader, Ian, has sent in some more exclusive pictures including a kid-eating giraffe, a flame spewing human destroyer, an Arnold Schwarzenegger robot crushing the earth, and a pretty scary cupcake.

Hit the jump for all the pics, but be warned -- it's a vision of the future.

Continue Reading " Killer Robots Abound At Maker Faire "

Apr 22 2008 It's Official And It's Not Good: The Robot Apocalypse Is Upon Us, Nice Knowing You

Well folks, it's been nice knowing you, but we're officially as good as dead. The robot apocalypse is upon us and our new overlords will not stop until every last one of us has been dragged in and chopped to bite sized pieces by these monstrosities. Currently "owned" by the Tokyo fire department, these "Robokiyu" (sound it out -- it means robot that kills you) bots were designed to "rescue" people from any situation. As you can see, rescuing is as simple as being grabbed by the neck with their throat-piercing arms and dragged into their digestive system (read: rotating blades of death). I, for one, am not going to sit back and wait for the robots to destroy me. I'm fighting back. Namely by creating a race of cyborgs that fight on the side of humans. I'm pleased to announce I've already sowed my wild oats with no less than two Roombas, an iPod, an RC tank, and my roommate's DVD player. Speaking of which, I think the DVD player is finally giving birth. At last, the first of my cyborg offspring!

UPDATE: False alarm. It was just an Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem DVD stuck in the player.

A couple more pictures of the last thing you'll ever see before dying, after the jump.

Continue Reading " It's Official And It's Not Good: The Robot Apocalypse Is Upon Us, Nice Knowing You "

Apr 17 2008 It's About Time: Massage Pants Are Here!

These are massage pants from the Wenzhou Wonderful Massage Equipment Company. What do they do for you? Well I'll tell you, by copy/pasting the product features.

Product Features: * Built-7 group of super vibration massage, a scientific and rational allocation * Ring far infrared heaters, automatic temperature control, safe and reliable *A variety of massage * Automatic mode * Automatic regularly work 20 minutes * High-performance rechargeable batteries for exclusive use, energy, security

You know, looking at them I could tell they had a scientific and rational allocation of vibration massage. And that makes me really want some. Just a heads up though, I don't think these are technically pants. Because pants are usually longer. These look more like shorts. Shorts that are missing some fabric in the front. You know, so your balls hang out. Wow, these are even awesomer than I first thought. Unfortunately there's a 500 pair minimum order. Anybody want to go halvsies?

Product Page

Thanks to Zachary, who doesn't need massage pants because he's got a harem that does his massaging for him, for the tip

Apr 16 2008 Tree Man Of Java Looks Like A Tree, Ent

This isn't geeky, but it is awesome, if only in a freakish, sad kind of way. Dede Koswara, 37, is known as the 'Tree Man of Java' because he looks like a tree (those are his actual feet at the bottom of the picture). He has an extremely rare immune deficiency that prevents his body from fighting HPV, resulting in massive growths of bark-like warts. Sick, I know. Over 4lbs of the stuff has already been removed, and now he hopes to get married soon. Not to a bush or shrub either, but a woman. His first wife left him after he got so covered that he couldn't work any more. We all wish you a speedy recovery and healthy living from here on out, Dede. You deserve a good woman after everything you've been through. If I knew of any I'd send them your way, but I don't. All the chicks I know are strumpets, strippers, or psychopaths.

Be thankful everyone.

Several more uncensored pictures and a VIDEO after the jump, but be warned: they're pretty unnerving.

Continue Reading " Tree Man Of Java Looks Like A Tree, Ent "

Apr 8 2008 Bleeehhh!: You Don't Even Want To Know

Okay, since the baby chocolates turned out to be a hoax, submitter beefytee decided to really ramp up the creepy, disturbing factor to an 11 with this tip. If you've recently eaten lunch or are about to, save reading it for later.

Placenta 10000 is a jelly drink. With placenta. Pig placenta. 10,000 mg worth (hence the name). I just puked in my mouth. Now it's dribbling out onto the keyboard.

Placenta is said to have regenerative properties, especially concerning beauty, and can help with dieting as well. At about $8 per drink, it's expensive, but Japanese aren't exactly known for sacrificing their health and looks for a couple of bucks either.

If 10,000 mg/serving just doesn't cut it for your placenta-loving pallet, they have a Placenta 400,000 concentrate (on the left in the picture) so you can make...Ms. Piggy... bleeeehhhh!!...cocktails.

Placenta 10000 jelly drink is FOSHU for beauty [cscout]

Thanks to beefytee and his incredible steak shirt for the tip

Apr 3 2008 Running The Numbers Art Exhibit Is Staggering

I know what you're thinking -- the Geekologie writer has lost it and is posting fuzzy pictures of a scrambled skin-flick on Cinemax. Well, you're wrong. What you're actually seeing is a picture of two million plastic beverage bottles -- the amount used in the United States every five minutes. It's a piece in an exhibit entitled Running The Numbers, by artist Christ Jordan. That particular piece is actually 60" x 120", and there is a partial zoom and close-up after the jump, along with two others - plastic bags and cell phones. Check them out, and definitely hit the link to his gallery for a whole bunch more. They're definitely all worth seeing. And while you may argue with the statistics Chris used, I think we can agree that it would be fun as hell to dive into all those plastic bottles.

Kidding, these pictures are disturbing. If you need me I'll be hiding in the closet weeping into my blanky for the rest of the day.

Two more and a link to the very worthwhile gallery after the jump.

Continue Reading " Running The Numbers Art Exhibit Is Staggering "

Feb 28 2008 Eyeball Tattoos Give Me The Heebie Jeebies

A Toronto man nicknamed Pauly Unstoppable has been the first person to receive an experimental "eyeball tattoo". Basically a tattoo artist injected blue ink into Pauly's eye until it was completely blue -- some 40+ injections! Holy hellfire, shit and brimstone that is freaking nuts. Pauly had the following to say about the experience:

I really have to emphasize again that the procedure was extensively researched and done by people who were aware of the risks and possible complications and that it should not be casually attempted. Now that this experiment has been started, please wait for us to either heal or go blind before trying it.

Nice Mr. Unstoppable, nice. You are truly a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Willing to chance blindness for the sake of, uh, blue eyeballs. I was going to use an inkjet refill syringe to give my own eyes a little color, but I'll hold off until the experiments are complete.

Click the link for an uncensored version.

Continue Reading " Eyeball Tattoos Give Me The Heebie Jeebies "

Feb 13 2008 l337 Eye Chart Isn't Haxor Approved

This the l337 Eye Chart. It has some really basic acronyms people use online, but in the form of an eye chart! It says at the bottom if you can read it then you have l337 eyes. And I could, so my eyez must b teh l337! Unfortunately having l337 eyes doesn't come with wall hack capabilities, which is a shame because I think the couple that live next door are totally doing it.

l337 Eye Chart [neatorama]