Nov 16 2009 WTF WAS THAT?: Boy Loses His Cool, Cries And Punches Wall Over Modern Warfare 2
NOTE: NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE. WATCH IT WITH HEADPHONES ON OR THE VOLUME LOW.
There's rock bottom, and then they're webcam-ing yourself crying and punching the wall over your disappointment about Modern Warfare 2. Jesus, kid, fix yourself a spot of tea and calm the f*** down. Oh, and for the love of God: lose the milk mustache.
Thanks to kweks, who had a meltdown about the new Super Mario Bros. for Wii but was smart enough not to tape it.
Oct 5 2009 Wait, What?: Fake Virginity Kits For Sale
I don't even know what to say, except this makes me sad about the women in the world who are stoned and fed to dragons if they're not virgins when they're married. And you thought I was a heartless asshole.
No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.
Wow, did I really just read that? Because now I don't feel so good. The $30 kit ships from China and I suspect is manufactured using recycled condoms. Plus, I don't even know what. [Insert something here while I cry and puke at the same time]
Thanks to Michael and The webcam in your monocle, who can't tell the difference between a virgin and a hole in the wall. Literally, no idea.
Apr 25 2009 Bear Grylls Drinks Elephant Dung Juice
This video is like two years old so if you've seen it, congratulations, free Geekologie bumper sticker. Just leave an 'OLD' and your bank account info in the comments and I'll have it transferred first thing Monday morning. Anyway, did you know that in an emergency situation you can drink the juice out of elephant shit? No, because you'd rather die. And I'd imagine puking afterward would probably end up doing more harm than good. But Bear Grylls is all man. Also, I love how a piece of shit almost falls in his mouth at 0:34, classic.
Thanks to Tim, who tried it with baby shit and *HORF*
Mar 1 2009 PEW PEW?: Man Holds Woman Hostage For Ten Hours With Original SEGA Light-Phaser
That's right folks, a Brazilian man held a 60-year old woman hostage for ten whopping hours with a Sega Master System Light Phaser. Captain PEW was looking to collect on an unpaid debt, and things got 8-bitty when the lady refused to pay.
The Light Phaser, the light gun that shipped with the Sega Master System, must be fairly common in Brazil, considering how incredibly popular the 8-bit console was in the country--it was one of Sega's strongest markets.
Fortunately, the man released his hostage, unharmed, after negotiating with police.
Well thank goodness there was no shootout! Because one time a friend tried to PEW PEW me with a NES Zapper and I was given no choice but to jam it up his ass, cord and all. Suffice it to say, Duck Hunt = awkward.
Brazilian Man Holds Woman Hostage For 10 Hours... With A Sega Light Gun [kotaku]
Thanks to Deathbat and Bourtney, who once held an entire break room full of coworkers hostage with coffee maker.
Jan 13 2009 No Need To Apply, Folks, I've Got This In The Bag: Austrialia Posts My Dream Job
Australia's Queensland state is looking to hire a "Great Barrier Reef Island Caretaker" at a rate of $105,000 (US) for six-months of service. What kind of service?
The "island caretaker" would be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.
The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multimillion-dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with pool and golf cart, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write in English.
F*** yes, I can do some of those things!
The job, according to the Daily Telegraph, seems too good to be true -- work 12 hours a month for six months while carrying out such duties as feeding turtles, watching whales and writing a blog.
The Daily Telegraph reported 850,000 people clicked on the site within the first 24 hours, but as of As of 11 a.m. EST, the Web site for job-seekers had been taken down.
Don't even bother, folks, this job was made for me. And I hacked the application site, so you can pretty much forget about it. However, now I'M accepting applications for a few lucky ladies to join me. Applicants must be able to blog, create photo diaries, and video updates. Also, feed turtles and keep a secret.
Australia Offers 'Best Job in World' On Paradise Island [foxnews]
Thanks to Bryan and Michael, who can come if they agree to feed themselves to sharks while my female crew takes pictures.
Dec 27 2008 Little Girl Knows Her Video Game Characters
Not only will one-year-old Melodie grow up to break your son's heart, she'll beat all his high scores in the process.
Cutest Game Video of 2008 will Melt Any Gamer's Heart [gizmodo]
Nov 21 2008 Wrong, Just Wrong: World's Worst Cookbook
This is the world's worst cookbook. It's called Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes. I just puked in my mouth a little.
Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients - you will love this cook book!
The 61-page cookbook costs $25 and looks like a joke. So I put one in my shopping cart and proceeded to the checkout waiting for some sort of April Fool's notification. Nope, I just ordered a jizz cookbook.
Product Page (which, if you go to you can actually use the little picture on the left to look through some of the book. Which I totally didn't do.
Thanks to Julian, who invited me over for dinner. NOM NOM NOM!
Oct 24 2008 I've Seen It All Now: Freaky Star Wars Porn
This is some freaky-deaky Star Wars porn by an artist named Miravi. This is the tamest picture I could find, so you can imagine what some of the other stuff is like. Think fully nude hardcore shit that'll burn your corneas out (I can type by touch). So, yeah. There are two more pictures after the jump, and a link to the gallery, which is WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY NSFW. You hear me? You will be fired before you can tell the IT guy "I thought I was being Rick Rolled, I swear!" And on top of being unemployed, you'll be branded perv of the year. But seriously, if anybody actually uses these pictures to, you know, PEW PEW!, make sure to leave a comment so we can all make fun of you. Wait -- actually, don't.
Hit it pervert.
Continue Reading " I've Seen It All Now: Freaky Star Wars Porn "
Aug 21 2008 Why You Don't Kite Surf In Tropical Storms
Why shouldn't you kite-surf in tropical storms? Because they'll f*** you up. Not only will they slam you into the beach, they'll fling you across the street and into a concrete wall for good measure. Now I hate to say this is Darwinism at work, but I will mention the Saber-Toothed Tiger was notorious for freaking around in tropical storms. Coincidence?
Thanks to Julian, who could actually throw you that far.
Aug 5 2008 Um, Yeah: A Questionable New Energy Drink
Well folks, it happened. Somebody went and named their energy drink after a slang term for a woman's nether region. Or a cat. The one that starts with p and ends with ussy. Yep. This is almost as bad as the German Poontang Juice.
(Our product) is unique. It is made with a blend of fresh white grape juice from Southern Italy, pressed Mexican limes and lightly carbonated water. These are then mixed with Grenadilla and Lychee flavours, infused with six selected botanical herbs.
The name Pussy shocks and demands attention - that's the point. Inhibition is a recipe for mediocrity.
Oh really? Well it looks like you may have settled for a little mediocrity yourself there, Pussy. Because I just concocted my own drink, and Assf*** is gonna take the energy supplement market by storm. From behind.
Hit the jump if you really want to see the can without the censor bar, and a link to the product page.
Continue Reading " Um, Yeah: A Questionable New Energy Drink "
Jul 23 2008 Meat Gristle Spells "Allah" In Arabic, Is A Sign
This is a picture of a piece of meat gristle from a diner in Birnin Kebbi, Nigeria. A patron was about to eat said meat puck when he noticed it read "Allah". After ransacking the kitchen, an additional three Allah steaks were found.
The meat was boiled and then fried before being served, owner Kabiru Haliru told newspaper Weekly Trust."When the writings were discovered there were some Islamic scholars who come and eat here and they all commented that it was a sign to show that Islam is the only true religion for mankind," he said.
Okay, I think you may have gone off the deep end there. I fail to see how Allah gristle indicates Islam is the only religion for mankind. An Allah cheesesteak sure, but gristle?
Hit the link for the BBC article, which also links to two related stories, one of a fish with Allah on it's side, and one of a tomato. And I thought Christians were the only ones that went bonkers over toast and potato chip omens.
'Allah meat' astounds Nigerians [bbcnews]
Thanks to Julian, who once found is own name in the sprinkles of a Pop-Tart.
Jun 27 2008 Wait, What? You Put The Servers Where?
So some company's lease expired and they had to move to different offices in the same building -- the only problem is there was nowhere to put their servers. So did they just fire an intern and and put them it in the poor sap's office? No. They did what any reasonable company would do and built a server room only accessible via another company's women's restroom. You know, in the handicapped stall.
The company's executives signed a new lease and prepared to move. There was, however, just one, small hitch. The nice little server room they built in the back of their office - equipped with air conditioning units, ventilation, dedicated power, backup power, and so on - could not be relocated. Not only would it cost too much, but there was simply no room for it. The server room would just have to remain upstairs.
Obviously, the new second-floor tenant wouldn't want their neighbors walking through their office to access a server room, so building management and the company's executives came up with an alternative: wall off the server room door and build a new one. It seemed simple enough, but there was, however, just one small hitch. The only available wall to install a door was adjacent to the women's restroom. Inside the handicapped stall.
Ha, that's great. And no, Superficial Writer, you can't go check on the servers again. That's like the third time you've asked this morning.
Server room built into ladies' room handicapped stall [bbgadgets]
Jun 23 2008 Robotic Snake Swims Underwater, Frightens The Hell Out Of Swimmers Everywhere
Well I hope everyone had a jolly summer solstice and danced around the maypole and burned a witch or whatever the hell people do these days, but I've got some bad news: robotic swimming snakes. Now I hate to ruin your Monday and have you all cowering under your desks for the rest of the day, but I feel it's my duty to let you know about these things, lest you be foolish enough to think swimming is still a safe activity. Which, officially, it no longer is. Now the first thing I always think when I hear bad news is, "Who can I blame for this?" In this case it's the Hirose Fukushima Lab in Japan.
"Why can snakes move ahead on without legs?" From this problem, we started research of snake biomechanisms, which resulted in the "Why can snakes move ahead on without legs?" From this problem, we started research of snake biomechanisms, which resulted in the development of "Snake Robots". Snake Robots have many possible applications, even though the structures are simple.
Okay that was kind of confusing, so I'll summarize: welcome to hell, folks. That's what it said. I am definitely never swimming again. I swear -- right when I was starting to get over Jaws.
Hit the jump for another robot the lab created that was designed to climb in your lap and crush your junk.
Continue Reading " Robotic Snake Swims Underwater, Frightens The Hell Out Of Swimmers Everywhere "
Jun 20 2008 Woman Died Watching TV In 1966, Found 42 Years Later, Probably Stunk In The Interim
A woman in Croatia died in 1966 while watching television in her apartment, and was just now discovered.
Hedviga Golik made herself a cup of tea and sat down to watch some television in her hometown of Zagreb, Croatia. Sadly, she died in her chair. This was in 1966. She was just found, 42 years later, in her time capsule mausoleum where she's been sitting ever since. She never finished her tea.
Apparently her apartment was never checked, despite a missing person report being filed when she went missing. Only recently did the authorities break into the unit and discover the woman while trying to determine who owned the place.
Damn, that's freaking nuts! I can't imagine how the place went unchecked for 42 years. It had to have stunk like shit for a good long while. Kind of like my place. Isn't that right, Grandma? Grandma? Awh, shit.
Woman Who Died While Watching TV Sat Unfound For 42 Years [gizmodo]
Thanks Shawn, say, you mind calling the funeral parlor?
Jun 2 2008 Emoticons For Driving Are A Horrible Idea
Drivemocions are animated LED emoticons for your car. You just stick the suction cup to your back window, and presto -- you become a dangerous hazard and reason enough for me to road rage on that ass like a tank. The faces are controlled via wireless controller, so you can pay even less attention to the road and more attention making sure you picked just the right emoticon to let others know you're a douchnozzle. They can be bought here for $50-$70, but I will go ballistic if anyone says they want one or thinks they're a good idea. Shit, phone.
That was the wife. Said she just bought the coolest car accessory ever. She wouldn't say what it was, but I have a bad feeling. So if you'll excuse me I need to plant a few landmines in the driveway.
UPDATE: Turns out she got one of those dancing hula girls for the dashboard! Unfortunately her grass skirt got charred a bit in the explosion.
Youtube
Thanks Shannon, you didn't send me that because you liked them, right?
May 29 2008 Like I Really Needed Any More Proof: Foolish Scientists Teach Monkeys To Control Robots With Their Minds, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
If there's one thing I hate in the world it's robots. And that hate is only trumped by cute little monkeys in laboratories controlling robots with their brains. F'ing a. So yeah, a bunch of scientists that deserve to have their diplomas and lab jackets revoked have taught some monkeys to feed themselves using robotic arms using only their brains. Because this is supposed to help us in one way or another.
The animals were able to feed themselves using prosthetic arms, which were controlled by brain activity.
Small probes, the width of a human hair, were inserted into the monkeys' primary motor cortex - the region of the brain that controls movement."The more we understand about the brain, the better we'll be able to treat a wide range of brain disorders, everything from Parkinson's disease and paralysis to, eventually, Alzheimer's disease and perhaps even mental illness."
I call shenanigans. These scientists don't give two flying monkey shits about curing disease. The sick bastards are building a primate-controlled robot army to kill us all. Now let's go smash up their lab and free those poor little monkeys. Who's with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll get drunk as shit on the ride back and make the monkeys drive.
Video of the poor little guy in action after the jump.
May 20 2008 Coca-Cola Vending Robots Spotted In Japan
So apparently Coca-Cola has these oversized robotic bastards lumbering around Tokyo and pinching the heads off anyone that doesn't buy an ice-cold Coke from its cooling chamber. Has anybody seen one? Do they actually walk around? Is there really just a person about to pass out from heatstroke in there? Has anyone tried knocking one over and prying its change receptacle open with a flathead? I need answers. But what I don't need is a giant robotic vending machine in my neighborhood. I do like Coke though. Who I don't like is Dr. Pepper -- I think that creep tried to touch me when I was under the gas.
coca-cola robots invade japan [technabob]
photo [flickr]
Thanks Steve, lets go robot tipping sometime
May 15 2008 Completely Inappropriate Austrian PS3 Ad
Sometimes, being The Intrepid Geekologie Writer requires me to report on things I'd prefer not to. This is one of those cases. Featured here is a real PS3 ad created by the TBWA\Wein agency for the Austrian market. Long story short: It's a naked dude -- with a thumb for a penis. You heard me --- a thumb for a penis. And, as my wife so lovingly pointed out, it's way bigger than my unit even after using the pump. So yeah, I'm killing myself. Oh you think that's funny do you? Making fun of The Geekologie Writer for the cruel joke God played on him? Well I hate you. Go eat a thumb.
Oh, and ladies -- if you think every man hasn't tried playing video games with his favorite digit before, you're kidding yourself.
The NSFW picture after the jump.
WARNING: It's a dude with a thumb for a penis.
Continue Reading " Completely Inappropriate Austrian PS3 Ad "
May 6 2008 Luncheon Meat With Faces Just Tastes Better
This is some delicious pork luncheon meat. With a face. As you can see from the sign it's 80% pork and 20% something else they figured wasn't worth mentioning in the product description. Which means it's probably the most delicious lunch meat on the planet. I mean, 20% mystery filler AND a kid's face? That's a recipe for yummy if I've ever heard of one. I would have downed the hell out of this stuff in kindergarten. Speaking of which -- back then they wouldn't give us dessert unless we ate our whole meal. So you'd have to sneak the nasty stuff to a portly kid or stuff it in your socks when the teacher wasn't looking.
Another picture of Builder Bob meat (and I mean that in the most unpervy way possible), after the jump.
Continue Reading " Luncheon Meat With Faces Just Tastes Better "
May 2 2008 World's Most Expensive House Costs A Lot
Mukesh Ambani, the fifth richest man in the world, is having a new house built in Mumbai. Mukesh made his money as head of Mumbai-based petrochemical company Reliance industries. His net worth is over $43 billion and he, his wife, and 3 kids currently live in a 22-story tower (the whole thing). You know, my girlfriend and I once lived in a Ford Festiva for 7 weeks. So why anybody needs a $2 billion, 550 foot high, 400,000 square foot home for five people is beyond me. I mean, we could have accommodated three more people if we had had a Taurus or some other mid-sized sedan. Hit the link to see some more pictures and a link to an in-depth article explaining all the crap inside, but I can't write about this anymore, it's just too frustrating. But you know what? While Mukesh may be rich in a monetary sense, my life is rich in tradition. Yep, traditionally I come home from work at six, drink eight beers and a pint of bourbon, eat whatever culinary abortion my wife has prepared, then pass out. And a tradition like that, Mukesh, is something money can't buy.
Several more renderings of the interior, and a link to the article, after the jump.
Continue Reading " World's Most Expensive House Costs A Lot "
