Nov 20 2009 Holy Grail? You Decide: A Bacon Chalice

I can't even imagine weaving bacon so tight as to not let liquid (well, molten cheese) through, but apparently somebody did. My hat oven mitts are off to you, bacon mug maker. Cause one time I tried weaving bacon and it didn't even make a solid placemat. It did, however, make a solid after-school snack. Kidding, I'm vegetarian. Did you feel that? That was your head imploding.

Bacon Beer Mug [thisisfreakingridiculous]

Thanks to Profound, mike469x, Dominican Joe, Freedom and KilgoreTrout XL, one of which is Kurt Vonnegut's plus-size alter-ego, the other three of which are fighting over who gets to eat the cup.

Nov 20 2009 Whaaat?: Sand People Like Scooby Snacks?

In a mash-up of universes that's about to make my head explode, it turns out Tusken Raiders love Scooby Snacks. And speaking of which -- I'd like to see Scoob and the gang try pulling THAT dude's mask off. Ruh-roh is right -- you gonna die!

Sand People like Scooby Snacks [tk8247's deviantart]

Thanks to sham, who only tried Bantha fodder once and didn't like it.

Nov 20 2009 Takes All Kinds: Machete-Wielding Taco Thief

The latest in a string of taco-related violence, a masked marauder in Illinois held up another man at machete-point and demanded the poor chap's tacos. Admit it -- if you'd have had a machete you would have done the same thing!

Elgin Deputy Police Chief Jeff Swoboda says a local resident was walking back to his vehicle Sunday night after buying 16 tacos for $41 when a man wearing a black ski mask and a hooded sweat shirt ran up to him.

Swoboda says the masked man waved a machete and took the tacos, but nothing else. He then drove off in an older-model light green car.

Wait a minute -- $41 for 16 tacos? Those must be some good-ass tacos! Say, this gives me an idea. *rummaging through closet for ninja-sword* Ow, shit! Shit shit shit shit shit. Cut myself.

Machete-wielding man steals tacos [abcnews]

Thanks to Annie, who won't cut anyone for anything less than a burrito. *phew*

Nov 19 2009 Snap, Crackle, Pork: Bacon-Flavored Popcorn

Because soon everything will be available pork-flavored, J&D's is selling bacon-flavored popcorn. I assume it's just regular popcorn with their bacon-salt added to the bag, but what do I know? Besides everything because God and I are like this *crossing fingers to show extreme closeness*. $12 gets you three bags. Alternatively, $12 will also net you 40 Glad Tall Kitchen Trashbags (with Odor Shield technology). So, yeah, the choice is yours.

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Bacon Pop [uncrate]

Thanks to Chuey The Rock n Roll Midget and Be My Mannequin, who pop corn and balloons at the fair with equal dexterity.

Nov 19 2009 I Would Eat That Don't Know: A Jabba Cake

I'm sure lots of time and effort went into the construction of this Jabba the Hutt cake, but that doesn't mean I'd eat it. You see, I have a rule about eating things that look like slippery green turds: make somebody else try it first. Which, *cocking laser blaster* is why you're here. Don't think I won't shoot first -- I will shoot first. Now, try one of those things on the plate behind him. What is that, a bacon-wrapped cheeseball? Okay -- now feed it to me like a baby bird.

Jabba the Cake [geekstir]

Thanks to Abby, who would have dove into that cake no questions asked. It's not a swimming pool, Abby, geez!

Nov 16 2009 Bacon Sunrise Is The New Tequila Sunrise

I love tequila sunrises. You know why? They're fruity, come with a little umbrella, and go down great with breakfast. Which, more often than not, is two quarts of mimosas I mixed into an orange juice carton. I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK ON EATING HEALTHY. But, for those of you that prefer a solid breakfast, maybe you'll be interested in this bacon sunrise, which is actually just some bacon, an egg and a couple sprigs of inedible greenery. Now imagine if you were miniaturized and walking those rolling bacon hills. Would you stop to enjoy the eggrise or would you be too busy driving bacon into your mouth to notice? No need to answer, I've got your number.

Hit the jump for another one of a bacon road.

Continue Reading " Bacon Sunrise Is The New Tequila Sunrise "

Nov 15 2009 This Little Piggy Went To The Post Office: Bacon Flavored Envelopes For Meatier Mail

I think we all knew this day would come: Envelopes with bacon-flavored adhesive. Geez, these are almost as clever as my invention: nipple flavored envelopes. Which, I think you and I both know is the closest your tongue will ever come.

J&D's, the makers of Bacon Salt and Baconnaise, isn't kidding when they say everything should taste like bacon: They just announced Mmmvelopes, bacon-flavored envelopes. $6.99 for 25 bacon-flavored #10 envelopes, $14.99 for 3 packs of 25...."No longer will envelopes taste like the underside of your car. You can enjoy the taste of delicious bacon instead."

Now I know what you're thinking, "but how do I keep myself from eating them?" THEY'RE PAPER YOU IDIOTS. Yeah I have no idea.

Mmmvelopes: Bacon-Flavored Envelopes from the Makers of Bacon Salt and Baconnaise [eatmedaily]

Thanks to Mih0, who invented chocolate-flavored envelopes a long time ago but that ruthless cocoa mogul Wonka stole his idea.

Nov 12 2009 Pfft, I Knew That: Staring At Breasts Is Good For Your Health, Prolongs A Man's Life

This is probably entirely fake and a giant hoax but I don't care because, well, breasts. Also -- don't question my journalistic integrity or I will swell your eyes shut so bad you'd be lucky to squint a nipple.

According to German research published in New England Journal of Medicine, men staring at women's breasts in fact prolong their lives with years.

"Just 10 minutes of looking at the charms of a well-endowed females is equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out," said author Dr. Karen Weatherby, a gerontologist.

The team led by Weatherby was made up of researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, and found this results after monitoring for 5 years the health of 200 male subjects, half of whom were asked to look at busty females daily, while the other half had to abstain from doing so.

For five years, the breasts oglers presented a lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and decreased risk of coronary artery disease.

I'm gonna be immortal! Kidding, I don't stare at breasts because I'm a gentleman and wear a top hat. But for the rest of you, go for it. You can start HERE (slightly NSFW, giant tank-topped boobs). I know, it's like a fountain valley of youth, right?

UPDATE: FAKE. But don't let that stop you from trying. Maybe you're the exception.

Looking at Breasts is Healthy [wholefitness]

Thanks to T. Brian, who is probably the healthiest man alive.

Nov 11 2009 Don't Touch My String Cheese!: Fridge Locker

The Fridge Locker is a little lockbox that you put in the fridge to keep your broke-ass roommate from eating all your string cheese and pudding packs. I need one. No, make that two. I have lots of pudding and I like it cooooold.

The metal combination lock keeps your food safe from "Refrig-A Raiders" (poor joke courtesy of the manufacturer). It measures 7.5" wide, 7.5" tall and 11" deep. At $20, it could easily pay for itself with all of the food it keeps safe. Granted, your roommate will not take kindly to seeing this. Purchase and install at your own risk.

Knowing my roommate, that bastard would probably pull this thing out and set it on the radiator just to spoil all my food and spite me. Yeah, he's a jerk. He's also my alter ego. Shut up! NO YOU SHUT UP! Let me type the last sentence. No, you type too slow. Ow he's biting my fingers! I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE CROTCH!!

Fridge Locker Keeps Your Food Safe [ohgizmo]

Nov 10 2009 How Do You Not Bite Them?: Bacon Nails

Geekologie Reader Melissa has taken it upon herself to paint her fingernails in a different style every day for an entire year and blog about it. Today's theme is bacon, and I'll be the first to admit I would bite every single one of those fingers clean off. And by 'clean off' I mean do you know how hard it is to bite through a finger? Surprisingly easy. Go ahead -- put one in my mouth, I DARE DOUBLE DARE PHYSICAL CHALLENGE you. Here, I'll close my eyes and everything. *zip* Haha, nice try buddy.

Hit the jump for a shot of the other cuticles.

Continue Reading " How Do You Not Bite Them?: Bacon Nails "

Nov 6 2009 Gross: Spit Ball Toys Grow 200x Original Size

Spit Balls are a $ 5 toy from Edmund Scientific that grow to 200x their original size and sound like something that I don't want to touch. Still, for the sake of science, I'd put them in my mouth.

The wonder of polymers makes these slimy spit balls possible. Easy to make and fun to use, spit balls grow to 200x their original size and are slimy to the touch. Slip, slide, and bounce the balls until they explode on target.

"Growing to 200x it's original size"...."slimy to the touch"...."bouncing the balls until they explode on target"....remind you of something else? Yeah, me neither.

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Finally Some Real Innovation! Polymer Spit Balls Grow To 200x Their Original Size [ohgizmo]

Nov 2 2009 I Like: The Periodic Table Of Picnic-ery

This is the periodic table of picnic-ery. I like how the makers went the extra mile and even shaped the table correctly. Because if I'd have made it it would have just been a rectangle. On fire. I dine fiery al fresco!

Table of Elements: Get Some Chemistry In Your Next BBQ [uberreview]

Nov 1 2009 Stay Fresh: Mad Muffin Beyond Bagel Dome

The Bagel Dome (Dome Dome Dome) is a $40 battery powered vacuum dome made to keep bagels and other oxygen-hating perishables fresh (JUST USE A DYSON, GOD). I contacted the manufacturer and the lady on the phone said it also works for donuts but I have my doubts. Which is exactly why I just invented the Donut Dome, which isn't just a Bagel Dome with 'Doughnut Dome' scratched into the plastic EXCEPT IT IS BECAUSE I'M A GENIUS INVENTOR. I also discover elements and name them after my pets! Rutherfordium? That was me. Great dog.

The Bagel Dome: I'd buy it just based on the name [dvice]

Oct 28 2009 Save The Nails For Me, Clark: Meat Hands

Meat hands are exactly what they sound like unless you thought they were gloves printed to look like your hands without skin, in which case, God you're sick. No, basically they're meatloaf molded in the shape of hands with onion slices for fingernails and arm bone and some melted cheese on a bed of mashed potatoes. Would you eat them? Because I wouldn't. I don't care how much hair you sprinkle on top! Okay, yes I do. No pubes though! Fine, MINIMUM PUBES.

Hit the jump for several closeups of the arguable deliciousness and a link to step-by-step instructions.

Continue Reading " Save The Nails For Me, Clark: Meat Hands "

Oct 27 2009 Delicious Memories: An Awesome 80's Cake

This is an awesome 80's cake that combines elements of this cake, this cake, sort of this cake, and these blue bastards. Really takes you back, doesn't it? I remember watching Smurfs. And I, for one, am not ashamed to admit that I know you had a crush on Smurfette. She's not even your species! Plus blue! *high five*

Hit the jump for closeups of the different elements.

Continue Reading " Delicious Memories: An Awesome 80's Cake "

Oct 25 2009 Gutsy: This Dead Tauntaun Wedding Cake

Listen, if you can convince your wife that a dead tauntaun would make the perfect wedding cake I WANT YOU TO HOLD ON TO THAT WOMAN. I want you to hold on tighter than you do the dashboard when she's driving (I've seen your knuckles! Also, the way she drives). That said, you think they cut the cake with a lightsaber? I mean, it's only appropriate. Also, a slave Leia jumping out and humming the Star Wars theme. What can I say, I'm a natural wedding planner.

Hit the jump for four more shots, including a cute Stormtrooper couple.

Continue Reading " Gutsy: This Dead Tauntaun Wedding Cake "

Oct 25 2009 I'd Wash My Mouth Out With It: Bacon Soap

This bacon soap isn't just bacon shaped, it's made with bacon fat. But how do you keep yourself from eating it in the shower? I don't think you can!

Soap can be made from just about any kind of fat. Even though fat from bacon, called lard, isn't the finest of fats to use for making soap, it somehow seemed to be the most exciting. Why? Because bacon is amazing. It has an almost mystical power to it and is a food that can be craved to almost no end. I figured what better way use the extra grease I had from cooking bacon then to turn it into soap!

If you want make some, there's an Instructable posted with all the details you need to Tyler Durden it up yourself. Unfortunately, I could never do it -- I like to drink all the fat out of pan after cooking. It scalds so good!

How to Make Bacon Soap [instructables]

Thanks to naas, who once made fried chicken soap and ate a thigh and two drumsticks sitting on the can one morning.

Oct 23 2009 Okaaaay: Kenwood Mixer/Cooker Combo

Kenwood, a company best known for making the aftermarket car speakers in the back of my truck, is making this kitchen appliance. The Kenwood KM070 Cooking Chef is a mixer/cooker combo, capable of mixing shit together and then heating it up to 140°C (240°F) so you can eat it and get all full and then sit around watching TV with your hand in your pants. I've seen you before! And I liked what I saw.

It looks like your standard mixer, with a large 6.7L bowl capacity and 8 mixing speeds, but it also features an 1100W induction heating system that allows you to cook food directly in the mixing bowl.

Temperatures can be set between 20°C to 140°C for warming or actual cooking, and there's even a steam basket attachment allowing you to prepare an entire meal without ever turning on the stove. The only downside is that once again convenience doesn't come cheap, so you can expect to pay around $1,600+ for the Cooking Chef.

I honestly don't know anything cooking except eating pizza and ice creams, but maybe this is a handy appliance. I don't really know how, but maybe it is. But hey, you could write upward of thirty pages about the things I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why is water wet? Why did Judas rat to Romans why Jesus slept? Kidding, I know all those. I'm sure there's something though.

Kenwood's Cooking Chef Mixer Takes The Stove Out Of The Equation [ohgizmo]

Oct 21 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Bacon Jam

Bacon Jam is jam made out of bacon. It is probably man's crowning achievement and goes great on toast alongside some super-runny eggs. I know this because I have a knack for choosing incredible food pairings. You ever tried peanut butter and jelly? That shit's legit!

.....what the heck is bacon jam?...

It is something we've been cooking up for a couple of years now on our trailers and for our burgers

.......we take a big bunch of really really good bacon, and render it down...add a bunch of spices..onions, etc..and let it simmer for about 6 hours...give it a quick puree, and blast chill it...and you have bacon jam..

8oz jars will set you back $17 including shipping and probably won't even last a day at the rate you go through bacon. Admit it, glutton. Order two.

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Bacon Jam: It's Bacon You Can SPREAD [topcultured]

Thanks to Bay Kon, mike469x, Bolleke, Aisha, Alejandra, Leslie, James, Spikey DaPikey, and anyone else who sent this in becausebecause searching 'bacon' in my tip box nets 1,900 results.

Oct 20 2009 I Would Munch Those Dots: A Pac-Man Cake

This is a Pac-Man cake created by CupcakeJonas for an undisclosed Pac-Man fan. Some suspect it was Pac-Man himself but that's ridiculous because....actually, I bet it was him. Dude does have a big mouth and love sweets. That's why he doesn't have any teeth! Now I have no idea if that Pac-Man arcade cabinet is actually edible, but I would 100% take a bite out of it anyways. I don't care if it has razor blades in the middle, I am curious and not a cat!

Incredible Pacman Arcade Game Cake Design Makes Mouths Water [walyou]