Nov 12 2009 You Fools!: Government Convinced Martians Were Going To Make Contact In 1924

In 1924, during Mars's opposition (when Earth, on its inner orbit, passes between the Sun and Mars) the US Navy sent a telegram alerting all its stations to be on the lookout for possible alien contact from the red planet. WOW!

Turns out that during the 1924 Mars opposition--when Mars would be closer to Earth than it had been since 1804--the secretary of the Navy sent a telegram to all naval stations asking them to "COOPERATE ASTRONOMERS WHO BELIEVE POSSIBLE THAT MARS MAY ATTEMPT COMMUNICATION BY RADIO WAVES WITH THIS PLANET WHILE THEY ARE NEAR TOGETHER."

BWAHAHAHAHA -- Martians! Like, aliens from Mars! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I've got news for you: there aren't any aliens on Mars. Pluto, yes, but they're so pissed off we reclassified their home as a dwarf planet they don't have anything to say to us.

UPDATE: I lied, turns out they do have something to say: "F*** you -- have fun with the global warming".

Navy was ordered to listen for Martians in 1924 [scifiwire]

Thanks to junkyard dog, who eats scrap metal and tires and shit because that's what junkyard dogs do.

Oct 16 2009 I Like: Superheroes In Old War Photographs

This is a little gallery of old photographs with pictures of superheroes Photohaxored in. I thought they were pretty neat, but perhaps you don't. And maybe that's the fundamental difference between you and I. Well, besides how handsome and smart you are. Did I say you? I meant me. It's true, one time I looked in a mirror and it shattered itself because it was so jealous of my handsomosity (and word wizardry). I jest -- I was so ugly I put my fist through it. REFLECT ON THAT, YOU STUPID MIRROR! Also, my hand bled and this nancy Edward begged to lick it but I wouldn't let him. Just sayin', I can be a lamb too.

Hit the jump for three more, including a little Fidel action.

Continue Reading " I Like: Superheroes In Old War Photographs "

Oct 14 2009 Now That's Fine Art: A Coat Hanger Gorilla

Apparently this is old but I don't care because it's the first time I've seen it and if you've seen it before then maybe YOU should have sent it to me earlier. That's right, YOU'RE the one to blame here. Jerk. Anyway, this behemoth was created entirely out of bent coat hangers by Scottish artist David Mach. And I think we can all agree, it speaks volumes. About how, you know, gorillas like to hang from stuff. Get it? Because of the hangers!! God, I slay me.

Coat Hanger Gorilla [reubenmiller]

Thanks to naas, who once Donkey Kong'ed two chicks at once and even though I don't know what that means I'm going to play along like I do. Sweeeet.

Jul 20 2009 Found Her!: Carmen Sandiego Spotted In Wild

I swear this is old, but honestly, that's never stopped me from posting anything in the past, so why stop now? I'M RUNNING THIS RED LIGHT! Anyway, the law finally caught up with Carmen Sandiego at an undisclosed airport. And as you can see, she hasn't aged as well as I was hoping. Remember when Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? first came out and your friend convinced you if you beat the game 200 times you got to see her naked? Yeah, I know all my world capitals.

Carmen Sandiego Has Been Found! [geekstir]

Thanks to Joemo, who once found a Carmen Sandiego shaped barbecue chip but accidentally broke it before he could sell it on eBay.

Jul 19 2009 eBay: Piece Of Film From Original Star Trek

Want to own a piece of Star Trek that you can wear around the house like a boa? Then you're in luck, because a man is selling an 11-foot piece of film from the "Mirror, Mirror" episode of the original Star Trek series.

This is a unique, one-of-a-kind item. I was an assistant film editor on the original series of Star Trek and this is an original section of film that came right out of the camera after shooting. This is from the episode "Mirror, Mirror" which aired October 6, 1967. The clipping is 11 feet 7 frames long, about 183 frames total. Pictured on the film is Chekov (Walter Koenig) when he is foiled in his attempt to kill Captain Kirk. The clip follows the fight sequence and includes two different phaser blasts which were hand scribed by me back in 1969.

Starting bid is $500, and I wouldn't be surprised if this ended up selling for a pretty penny. Or a handsome quarter. You hear that? Better luck next time you busted ass nickel!

eBay Auction

Thanks to Sigrid, who doesn't need a phaser to know how to rock pew.

Jul 9 2009 NASA Discovers 11 Billion-Year-Old Supernova

Eleven billion, that's pretty old. Probably dated your mom in high school. Ba-ba-ba-burn!

Astronomers on Wednesday said they had found the farthest supernova ever detected, a giant star that ripped apart around 11 billion years ago.

The ancient supernova was found after astronomers compared several years of images taken from a portion of the sky, enabling them to look for objects that changed in brightness over time.

The universe is believed to be 13.7 billion years old, so the supernova marks the death of one of earliest stars in creation.

The previous supernova record was an event that happened around six billion years ago.

Ooh, I feel a song coming on. *ahem*

Someday you will find me
caught beneath the landslide
in a bourbon supernova
a gin & tonic black dwarf in the bar.

Massive supernova occurred 11 billion years ago [yahoonews]

Thanks to Torotoro from Alabanyor, who is old enough to be your father. And might be.

Jun 29 2009 Sadness: Superheroes, The Golden Years

This is a little gallery of superheroes past their prime. They were all drawn by Italian artist Donald Soffritti and made me sadder than hell. You know, because they got me thinking about growing old and shit. Too profound for you? I'm deeper than an ocean trench.

Hit the jump for some of my favorites, then the link for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Sadness: Superheroes, The Golden Years "

Jun 25 2009 35,000-Year Old Flute Doesn't Summon Bird

That was a Zelda reference. No need to thank me folks, just doing my job. So scientists have unearthed a 35,000-year old flute in Germany, making it the earliest instrument ever found (not including rocks).

It was made from the bone of a giant vulture during the Upper Paleolithic. Found in Ach Valley, in the south of Germany, the 8.7-inch long, one-inch diameter instrument has five holes, with two V-shaped notches carved on one side of it. This was the part in which the musician put the lips to blow, according to University of Tubingen's professor Nicholas Conard, the lead author of the discovery. The other end is broken just on the fifth hole.

Wait -- but I thought the oldest flute was the one Eve used to play. You know, Adam's. Zing? ZING!

35,000-year-old Flute Is First Instrument Ever [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who is more of a clarinet kind of guy.

May 26 2009 Modern Fossils: When A Dino Bone Won't Do

Christopher Locke makes modern fossils using gadgets of yesteryear and concrete. Then he sells them to make a profit because he's smart and doesn't want to hold a real job. I'm with you, Chris.

The modern Fossils are made from actual archaic technology that was once cutting-edge. Most of these examples were discovered in the United States, although the various species are represented all over the world.

In a special process, these items are reproduced in a proprietary blend of concrete and other secret ingredients, giving them the look and feel of real stone fossils. Each fossil is made one at a time, by hand, in an individual mold.

Depending on the species, expect to pay between $65-$100 per fossil. Or, make your own with a bag of concrete and a broken controller. Here, I'll even give away Chris's secret ingredients: rocks and sand. GO GO GO!

Hit the jump to see a bunch more and a link to the product page.

Continue Reading " Modern Fossils: When A Dino Bone Won't Do "

May 20 2009 Craigslist: Sword That Killed Goliath For Sale

Somebody in St. Louis, Missouri is selling a sword that may or may not be the one David used to chop that punk bitch Goliath's monster nog off after getting him all stoned. Wow, I should really teach Sunday School.

B.C. sword the question is ? Is this the sword of the giant, that little young David chopped the giant head off ? I have received alot of responds on this sword because nothing like this have never came up in history of antiques, and not to much talked about because no one wants to talk about the Bible, one question why 7,000 and this is just pennies in whats it's worth, and everyone knows about the game in collecting and how things pass from hand to hand until one gets the big bucks. So if anyone is interested in this sword they must do their home work I found the information and only went to 7th grade, solike you say you need more infor you must research it yourself and then bring me 7,000 dollars ... also this sword is about three feet long ..

That made no sense. Apparently they don't teach writing in St. Louis until 8th grade. Also, David used Goliath's own sword to cut his head off right? SO WHAT WOULD A GIANT BE DOING WITH A 3-FOOT SWORD? No, more than likely this is the sword Jesus used to kill the ninjas at the Battle of Bethlehem.

Craigslist

Thanks to Todd, who, IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!

May 15 2009 Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany

What you're looking at is believed to be the oldest sculpture of a human found to date, and was carved out of a mammoth's tusk. That's right, mammoth -- the very same mount Jesus used to ride into battle. Wow!

The distorted object, which portrays a woman with huge breasts, big buttocks and exaggerated genitals, is thought to be at least 35,000 years old.

The 6cm-tall figurine, reported in the journal Nature, is the latest find to come from Hohle Fels Cave in Germany.

"I think there are good reasons to emphasise sexual interpretations, but we really don't know whether it is coming from a more male or a more female perspective. We don't know very much about how the artefact was used."

Oh man, those cave people were a classy bunch, were they not? They so were. And such the artisans. But seriously, is that really the way women used to look back then? Because, if so, BBW AND mammoths? *firing up time machine* Somebody smells a threesome!

Hit the jump for another picture with more angles.

Continue Reading " Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany "

May 7 2009 It's Math!: Snatch + Star Wars = Snatch Wars

NOTE: VIDEO IS SLIGHTLY NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE. AND I SAY SLIGHTLY BECAUSE IT'S HARD TO MAKE OUT WHAT THE GUY IS EVER SAYING. WATCHING AT FULL VOLUME RECOMMENDED.

You may have seen this already because it came out in December, and if you have, you only have yourself to blame for not sending it to me earlier. I could have made you a star. But instead, Josh and Lewis are gobbling up all your internet fame. Ladies, Josh and Lewis. Josh and Lewis, ladies. See? Now these two are hanging out with a bunch of topless models by a pool ON THE MOON. Just sayin', I have power. But not water. It's all good though because I just turn on the neighbor's hose after he goes to sleep. And I mean that sexually as hell. Anyway, this is a video mashup of scenes from Star Wars with the audio from Snatch called Snatch Wars. Which, I'll admit, I felt was more than a little misleading.

Youtube

Thanks Josh and Lewis, your topless models are in the mail. Gosh, I hope I remembered to poke breathing holes this time.

May 6 2009 OLD Hover Scooter Is OLD, From The '60's

The Hover Scooter may have made its debut in December, 1960, but that doesn't make it any less the vehicle I want to ride to work everyday. Also, if any of you ladies are interested in a lift I'll even mount a seat on the blower. And I'm not just saying that so I can make a 'If you can read this, my bitch got sucked into the intake' t-shirt, but, damnit you got me!

Hover Scooter [neatorama]

Mar 12 2009 Superman: Perhaps A Little Too Strong

Been there. Was not super.

Action Comics Fail [failblog]

Feb 5 2009 Remains Of Giant, Prehistoric Snake Found

The fossilized remains of a monster snake that used to eat the hell out of giant crocodiles and other delicious beasts have been found in Colombia. Also, a mountain of coke. Literally, I climbed it.

The newly discovered type of snake, named Titanoboa in honour of its immense size, was for 10 million years the largest land predator on earth. It weighed 1.25 tonnes (~1.4 tons) and with a length of 45 feet or more it would have been able to take on and eat pretty much any other animal it came across.

He added: "Truly enormous snakes really spark people's imagination, but reality has exceeded the fantasies of Hollywood. The snake that tried to eat Jennifer Lopez in the movie Anaconda is not as big as the one we found."

Well thank God he referenced Anaconda, because otherwise I'd have no idea how big this snake really was. So this thing actually could eat Jennifer Lopez. Is she fat? I have no idea. Who do I look like, The Superficial Writer?

Giant Titanoboa snake ruled the earth after the dinosaurs [timesonline]

Thanks to Daniel, who astutely observed: OMFG. And another Daniel, who had this to add: Mommy.

Dec 16 2008 Scientists Find World's Oldest Spider Web (Until Another, Much Older One Is Found)

Scientists have found what they believe to be the world's oldest and least circular spider web, encased in a piece of amber. It's allegedly 140 million years-old.

"It's not a striking, perfect web," Braddy said. "(But) this seems to confirm that spiders were building orb webs back in the early Cretaceous" -- the geological term for the period of time between 145.5 and 65.5 million years ago when dinosaurs and small mammals shared the earth.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? If it's, "let's clone whatever that spider bit and have sex with it", then you are. High five for being on the same page.

Oldest Spider Web Found, Scientist Says [aolnews]

Thanks to Pat, who doesn't get bitten by spiders because he bites them. That's pretty freaking sick, Pat.

Dec 6 2008 Dude, Stop Boggarting The Stash: 2,700 Year Old Pot Found Buried In Gobi Desert Grave

Scientists unearthed two pounds of chronic in a Gobi Desert grave this week. The herb, which is believed to have been buried some 2,700 years ago, breaks the previous record for oldest marijuana stash by 2,700 years.

The size of seeds mixed in with the leaves, along with their color and other characteristics, indicate the marijuana came from a cultivated strain. Before the burial, someone had carefully picked out all of the male plant parts, which are less psychoactive, so Russo and his team believe there is little doubt as to why the cannabis was grown.

No shit there's little doubt why the cannabis was grown.

What is in question, however, is how the marijuana was administered, since no pipes or other objects associated with smoking were found in the grave.

Three words folks: up the ass. Try it sometime.

World's oldest marijuana stash totally busted [msnbc]

Thanks to Eric and Matty, who know to pass to the left.

Nov 7 2008 iPhone Ocarina App Won't Call Epona, Turn Night Into Day, Warp You Anywhere, Make You Look Cool

The ocarina is an ancient instrument (possibly dating back 12,000 years) that has appeared in Zelda games. Which makes it dear to my heart. And I post all things Zelda on Geekologie. Because I love it that much. You could send me a tip about naming your boner Link and I'd post that shit. I'm honestly that stupid. Anyway, now there's an ocarina application for the iPhone. It's called SMule Ocarina, and it'll set you back a penny short of a buck. You just blow into the phone's mic, push the simulated holes on top, and look like a jackass. But go ahead, play the Song of Time, I dare you. You know what's gonna happen? I'm gonna punch you in the face. I have a real ocarina bitches! TOOT TOOTLE TOOT DOODLE DOOT!

Hit the jump for a video that made me cut myself.

Continue Reading " iPhone Ocarina App Won't Call Epona, Turn Night Into Day, Warp You Anywhere, Make You Look Cool "

Oct 28 2008 OLD!: UFO Guy Probably Tripping Constantly

You've probably seen this video before, but I hadn't. Does that make you better than me? Oh fo sho. Anyway, it's some guy that has sneaking acid onto planes down pat, rambling about a UFO siting in Chicago last winter. He reminds me of the rainbow lady, if the rainbow lady was a dude telling me my face was melting off.

Thanks to Miriam, who loves antiques as much as I do.

Oct 15 2008 Old As Hell!: G.I. Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches

Video, due to language, is probably NSFW.

This video is older than the interweb itself. In fact, it was first depicted on a cave wall, drawn there by a caveman who smeared his penis in the ashes left from a fire started when lightning hit a dry tree. True story. Anyway, for those of you who haven't seen it, this is a redubbing of one of the public service announcements played after a G.I. Joe cartoon ("and knowing is half the battle!"). There's a bunch more if you like it, but this is the best one. So, with that said, let the OLDing begin!*

*By typing OLD in the comments, you forfeit your right to ever have sex again.**
**Expect in prison, against your will.

Youtube