Nov 12 2009 Google Streets Spots Fire Truck Hit Old Lady

Honestly, I bet the old lady ran right into the side of the thing (old ladies are notoriously bad bike riders. *ahem* Grandma -- I saw you hit that bus shelter!). There's a before shot after the jump, but unfortunately the above image has since been removed from Google Maps. I smell conspiracy. I mean, it's not like the old lady asked to have have it removed. Old people using computers -- HA! They're better at avoiding fire trucks!

Hit it for the before shot and a link to the action area.

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Nov 5 2009 This Isn't Your Grandma's Cell Phone! Yes It Is.

If there's one thing old people love it's soft food. If there's another it's stuff with giant-ass buttons so they can push the right one with their shaky, arthritic fingers. Aaaaaand I've officially depressed myself. Good times. Anyway, this is a cell phone for old people and people with fat fingers. Or, as we like to call them in the hand modeling biz, Vienna digits.

The 6380 Senior Mobile Phone ($75 USD) does actually have a few handy features, including a built in flashlight, and a giant "SOS" button on the back that can automatically dial a pre-set emergency number, and emit a loud warning alarm. It's also got a minimal display with large on-screen fonts, and a whopping 128×60 screen resolution.

I kind of want one. Not that I have fat fingers, because I don't. I'm just clumsy. One time I tried ordering a pizza and ended up spending an hour on a phone sex line. DAMN YEAH I WANT PEPPERONI ON THAT!

Hit the jump for two more shots of the latest in geriatric communication technology.

Continue Reading " This Isn't Your Grandma's Cell Phone! Yes It Is. "

Sep 22 2009 WoW Freakout Kid Versus Grandmother

This is a video of the infamous WoW freakout kid arguing with his grandmother, who's been sent over to watch him and his brother for the weekend. Now I really wanted to believe that these videos are real, but this one's the nail in the coffin for being fake. And not just because octogenarians are notoriously bad actresses (and will shit themselves on set), but she actually references him trying to jam the tv remote up his ass. Now I know how you're feeling, and yes, it's like Santa isn't real all over again.

Tough Granny Teaches Grandson a Lesson [break]

Thanks to Adam, who plays BINGO with his grandma on Tuesday nights and she always has him sneak a bottle of booze in. Fun lady!

Aug 28 2009 You Better Not Push Me Down The Stairs: Wheelchair Of The Future

The Veda International Robot Research and Development Centre (in Japan, of course) is hard at work developing a wheelchair for all the aging fogies in the country. And this is it, the Rodem. It's being touted as the wheelchair of the future. Pfft, I'll believe it when my grandpa has one. Isn't that right, gramps? I SAID, "ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GRAMPS?!"

Right now Rodem isn't much of a robot, but the people at Veda still want to add more features to the not-wheelchair; for example, Tmsuk president Yoichi Takamoto said, "...we could add a new function so it comes to your bedside when you call."

Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about a wheelchair with robotic features. Yes I do -- I don't like it. No, the only improvements of the current wheelchair we need are an air horn and naked lady mudflaps. Now those would really put the whee in wheelchair -- am I right, gramps? I'm over here, you're talking to a chair. Now drink your juicebox and tell me where you buried the money.

Hit the jump for a shot of some poor bastard with a broken leg toting his own hospital bed around with the thing.

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Jun 29 2009 Sadness: Superheroes, The Golden Years

This is a little gallery of superheroes past their prime. They were all drawn by Italian artist Donald Soffritti and made me sadder than hell. You know, because they got me thinking about growing old and shit. Too profound for you? I'm deeper than an ocean trench.

Hit the jump for some of my favorites, then the link for a whole bunch more.

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Jun 17 2009 Zappity Zap!: Police Will Tase Your Grandma

Just in case you were wondering, the police will tase your 72-year old grandma. You hear that, members of the geriatric species? YOU ARE NOT EXEMPT FROM THE ZAPPERY! Also, does the officer really yell "TASERED!" as he's doing it? Because that's awesome. I'm gonna start doing that.

POSTED! LEAVE A COMMENT -- LEAVE A COMMENT!!

Youtube

Thanks to Watch-303, alex, double dragon, The Naked Wizard and Beth, who would have torn the electrodes out and flown off on their jetpacks like superheroes.

May 15 2009 Oldest Human Sculpture Found In Germany

What you're looking at is believed to be the oldest sculpture of a human found to date, and was carved out of a mammoth's tusk. That's right, mammoth -- the very same mount Jesus used to ride into battle. Wow!

The distorted object, which portrays a woman with huge breasts, big buttocks and exaggerated genitals, is thought to be at least 35,000 years old.

The 6cm-tall figurine, reported in the journal Nature, is the latest find to come from Hohle Fels Cave in Germany.

"I think there are good reasons to emphasise sexual interpretations, but we really don't know whether it is coming from a more male or a more female perspective. We don't know very much about how the artefact was used."

Oh man, those cave people were a classy bunch, were they not? They so were. And such the artisans. But seriously, is that really the way women used to look back then? Because, if so, BBW AND mammoths? *firing up time machine* Somebody smells a threesome!

Hit the jump for another picture with more angles.

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Apr 11 2009 Robot Suit Going Into Production For $4,200

Well folks, it's happening. The HAL (Hybrid Assistive Limb) robot suit is going into mass production and will be available in Japan sometime soon for around $4,200.

This is great news for HAL's target market: Its ability to grant its wearer tenfold strength increases during specific actions could change the lives of people with degenerative muscle diseases, or accident victims who would otherwise need long, difficult rehabilitative therapy to regain basic mobility. And with a five-hour battery life, it could be quite practical for day to day use.

Thanks, but no thanks. I don't care if I was just a head, I would never ask a robot for help. But that's just me and my genius brain talking. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who would gladly use a HAL suit to better their quality of life. And those people -- those people are the enemy.

Video after the jump, just for the HAL of it.

Continue Reading " Robot Suit Going Into Production For $4,200 "

Mar 27 2009 Aaaahh!: They're After Our Children, Elderly

Just like lions attack in the wild, robots are planning on taking out the weakest of our proverbial herd first. Namely, children and old folks. All thanks to a little service class robot named ApriAttenda, by Toshiba.

At just one meter tall, the robot can open doors, handle trays and drinks and comes equipped with cameras in its three-fingered hands. The robot is expected to join the ranks of day care and nursing robots being designed to meet the needs of the graying populace. Shown above is the ApriAttenda being trained by one of the humans it will soon replace.

Yeah, soon replace with bloody stumps! You can't fool me, Toshiba. I don't care how googly its eyes are, that is a trained killing machine if I've ever seen one. And trust me -- I stare at one in the mirror everyday. *flexing* UH! You like this pose? Well check out *MEEEOOOOOW!* Oh God, stepped on the cat.

ApriAttenda robot updated to nurse your elders and monitor your offspring [dvice]

Mar 25 2009 Neat: The Science Of Little Red Riding Hood

This is probably the coolest telling of Little Red Riding Hood I've ever seen not including the one where Red was a busty college co-ed and the wolf was just a guy with a monster dong and bear costume (low budget). But he still ate her alright! The grandmother too. *HORFITY HORF HORF BLOW CHUNKS*

Slagsmålsklubben [vimeo]

Thanks to Chris, who has never done a wolf but has had several cougars. Older ladies?

Mar 25 2009 Wow: Man Survived Two Atomic Bombings

93-year old Tsutomu Yamaguchi was recently recognized as the first survivor of both the Nagasaki and Hiroshima atomic bomb droppings of 1945. Allegedly, he still pisses depleted uranium.

Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip on Aug. 6, 1945, when a U.S. B-29 dropped an atomic bomb on the city. He suffered serious burns to his upper body and spent the night in the city. He then returned to his hometown of Nagasaki just in time for the second attack, city officials said.

"As far as we know, he is the first one to be officially recognized as a survivor of atomic bombings in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki," Nagasaki city official Toshiro Miyamoto said.

Thousands of survivors continue to seek official recognition after the government rejected their eligibility for compensation. The government last year eased the requirements for being certified as a survivor, following criticism the rules were too strict and neglected many who had developed illnesses that doctors have linked to radiation

Speaking of radiation, I want some freaking superpowers already -- and I'm not afraid to go atomic to get them. Atomic Fireballs that is! *CRUNCH* ZOMG, too hot, too hot!!!

Man Survived 2 Atomic Bombings [aolnews]

Thanks to Pat and MoD, who have both survived three bombings and now have x-ray vision. So, what color underwear am I wearing, guys? Ha, those are my nuts is right!

Mar 23 2009 At Least He Was Honest: Internet Scam Fail

I can't even count the number of times I've been contacted by Nigerian princes to help move their money out of the country. Unfortunately, I don't keep a bank account because that's just another way the man tries to keep tabs on my brothel me on a short leash. Anyway, I like how the scammer comes out of character at the end with a "thanks man". That was great. Not as great as my love for you, but I have a big heart. And hands. Hey, did you know if your hand is bigger than your face you'll die young? It's true -- you should try it. *SMACK-A-POW* Wow, I can't believe you fell for that. Ha, or when I told you I loved you.

Thanks to Joemo, who once conned an old lady out of her retirement by having sex with her. Gross, Joemo.

Mar 11 2009 Go-Go Gadget Ugly: Dr. Claw's Real Face

This is a picture of Dr. Claw's face from Inspector Gadget. For those of you who wanted to keep it a mystery, I'm sorry, but I was too lazy to edit a picture with a censor bar. Oh, and the Easter Bunny isn't real either -- it's just some sex offender in a rabbit costume. Geekologie: shooting straight from the hip since April, 2006.

Hit the jump for a full body shot and bonus MAD Cat.

Continue Reading " Go-Go Gadget Ugly: Dr. Claw's Real Face "

Feb 9 2009 Invading The Real World!: Fake Parking Tickets Used To Spread Computer Viruses

Hackers operating around Grand Forks, North Dakota (not to be confused with Giant Spoons, South Dakota) have been issuing fake parking tickets in order to get their victims to download viruses from a website.

Drivers found the following message on the yellow ticket on their windscreen: "PARKING VIOLATION This vehicle is in violation of standard parking regulations".

The ticket then instructed drivers to visit a website, where drivers could "view pictures with information about your parking preferences".

Anti-virus firm McAfee says the Vundo Trojan then gets users to install a fake anti-virus scanner.

Listen folks, if you don't want to fall victim to this sort of scam, you need to do what I do: not be a senior citizen.

Parking ticket leads to a virus [bbcnews]

Thanks to Bungo, who doesn't pay parking tickets because they're just a sorry attempt by the man to keep him down.

Jan 16 2009 Virgin Auctioning Virginity Allegedly Gets $3.7 Million Offer -- I Should Know, It Was Me!

Remember 'Natalie Dylan', the 22-year old strumpet who's claiming to be a virgin so she can auction off her virginity to your dad? Yeah, well in what appears to be the longest-running auction ever (my last post was in early September), Natalie has allegedly received a $3.7 million dollar bid. Which, I want it to be noted, I wouldn't even pay for a virgin t-rex. F*** it, not even an albino virgin t-rex. Also, just look at that chick -- I've seen plenty of virgins (or at least the same one in the mirror everyday), and that ain't no Mary.

Natalie allegedly received over 10,000 bids and plans to use the money to go to college (read: get even bigger implants and become an adult-film star). Best of luck, Natalie, I'm rooting for you. And also, bidding. Tosseth aside thine chastity belt -- thou virginity is mine! F***, now I'm even creeping myself out.

22-Year-Old Sells Virginity Online -- and Feds Can't Do a Thing to Stop Her [foxnews]

Thanks to Bryan and The Superficial Writer, who, despite pooling their Whopper coupons, only came up with enough for a 30 seconds apiece with Natalie -- not that they'd need anymore. HIYO!

Jan 5 2009 Tell Your Grandparents: VHS Is Officially Dead

Well folks, it's official: VHS is dead. Let your grandparents down easy. And also, try to hint about fumigating their place -- it smells like old people and socks in there.

Even though most of us probably thought it was already long gone, its death certificate was signed when Distribution Video Audio of Palm Harbor, Fla. -- the last major supplier of VHS tapes -- shipped the last of its salable stock. Distribution Video Audio made $20 million per year selling tons of tapes cheaply, but now the business has vanished.

*sniffle* God, it seems like only yesterday I was recording the scrambled Cinemax channel, hoping to catch a glimpse of a fuzzy boob. Ha, but it was, in fact, two days ago. Anybody wanna go through the tape with me?

RIP, VHS [msn]

Thanks to Bryan, whose dad bought 5 VCRs a few years ago because the man was smart enough to realize technology is cyclical.

Dec 7 2008 Wait, What?: Medical Handgun Coming Soon

The Palm Pistol is a single-shot firearm aimed (!) at folks who may have trouble shooting a regular gun and probably shouldn't be anyways. The company behind the weapon hopes to have it classified as a medical device for the elderly and people with arthritis. Holy shit.

"It's something that they need to assist them in daily living," says Matthew Carmel, president of Constitution Arms in Maplewood, New Jersey, which hopes to manufacture the Palm Pistol - now just a patent and specifications. "The justification for this would be no more or less for a [walking aid] or wheelchair, or any number of things that are medical devices," he says.

Wow, now I want a medical ninja sword.

Ideal for seniors, disabled or others who may have limited strength or manual dexterity. Using the thumb instead of the index finger for firing, it significantly reduces muzzle drift, one of the principal causes of inaccurate targeting. Point and shoot couldn't be easier.

Point and shoot couldn't be easier. More like point and shooting yourself in the freaking leg (aka Plaxicoing) couldn't be easier. Seriously though, my grandpa has arthritis and lives in a bad part of the assisted living facility, I'm getting him one.

UPDATE: Right, Alzheimer's -- the old coot shot me!

Company tries to get gun classed as medical device [newscientist]

Thanks to Spikey and Bordmanator, who only fire headshots.

Oct 31 2008 Kid Arrested For Convincing (Senile) Grandma To Perform In His Ganster Rap Video

The elderly: they're wrinkly. AND highly desirable to perform in homemade gangster rap videos. Who would have known? Not me. But apparently Michael Alfinez, 18, from Lake Worth, Florida, was in on the secret. The youth is serving 18 months in jail for abusing the elderly and firearms charges.

The footage showed Marie Huertas, 85, wearing a full black balaclava and, after repeated instructions, uttering a number of gangsta rap phrases that included expletives.

A sheriff's report said Alfinez had admitted dressing up his grandmother and persuading her to flash a gun and money at the camera.

Alfinez said he got the idea from a Gangstas & Thugs DVD - which show real footage rather younger hoodlums in action - and "knew (his) grandmother could be like that, too, or better".

Wow, that's one cool grandma. Mine just bakes pies and smells funny. Ha, did I mention the cats? There are cats.

US teenager jailed for 'grandmother gangster rap video' [telegraph]

Thanks to ray, whose grandmother can bust a cap better than you can.

Sep 25 2008 Wearable Airbags For The Clumsy, Elderly

Japanese manufacturer Prop is now selling wearable airbags for old folks and people who just can't stand for long.

Its newly announced personal, wearable airbag looks like a cool fanny-pack and weighs a mere 1.1 kilograms (2.4 pounds) -- but springs forth in one-tenth of a second when sensors detect you're headed for the floor, protecting your head and ass with two inflated bags that contain 3.9 gallons of gas each.

Unfortunately, safety comes at a price. And that price is $1,400. Are grandma's delicate bones worth the cost? Hint: Duct tape and pillows.

Wearable airbags keep the elderly from hitting the ground so hard [engadget]

Thanks to Julian and Ross, who both threw themselves down the stairs wearing bubblewrap jackets and lived to tell about it.

Aug 8 2008 The Last Video Game Obama Played Was...

Pong. Jesus, at least lie and say Super Mario Galaxy. But to Obama's credit, when McCain was asked the same question he answered "rolling a hoop down a dirt road with a stick", which, to the best of my knowledge, isn't even a video game. So the question remains: can we really trust a president that hasn't killed a hooker in Grand Theft Auto? The prosecution rests.

Geekologie Writer '08: Totally not afraid to kill hookers.

Hit the link to read a little interview with Obama with other, similar questions, like who gets to control the remote in his house (answer: HGTV).

Barack Obama: My Pop-Culture Favorites [entertainmentweekly]

Thanks Craig, you can be my running mate.