Dec 15 2008 Paper Bottles Perform Poorly In Bar Fights

It's a fact: in a barfight you want to be wielding a nice glass bottle. Or a heavy mug. Or a pool cue. Or a handful of darts. Or a knife. What you don't want is a paper bottle. You try papercutting an enemy and he's gonna to choke you out. And God knows what he's going to do to you while you're unconscious. Suffice it to say it's not buy you a new drink. Anyway, these are paper bottles. They're supposed to be eco-friendly or something (only 14% of the 60 million plastic bottles used daily in the US are recycled) and cut down on packaging and shipping costs. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. But one thing's for certain: a bottle, by the Merriam-Geekologie definition, has to be glass or plastic. So these aren't really bottles, they're reservoirs. Much like a teat, which *suckle* mmmm.

Two more pictures after the jump.

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Dec 8 2008 Will You Marry Me?: Another Pokeman Fanatic

As many of you probably don't know because I'm just now making it up, I love Pokemon. Pikachu, that lovable little electric turd, really does something to me. Something deep down in my heart, near the cockles. And I just found out I'm not the only one! That's right, this crazy chick is even more Pokemontastic than yours truly. And that's saying a lot (reference legally changing name and having sex with a stuffed animal). Just check out all that crap! That's a lot of crap! Hit the link to see even more, including a decked out Pokemon car! WTF! Amazingly, this woman can probably still have sex in that room, so why can't I? I show a girl my bedroom (aka Pikachu's Pleasure Dome) and she's running for the door almost as soon as the Pokemon theme starts playing. Can somebody say double standard? And also, double bed. Just saying, Pikachu sheets. Ladies?

Hit the jump for more of what even weekly meetings can't help.

Continue Reading " Will You Marry Me?: Another Pokeman Fanatic "

Dec 1 2008 The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls. Alternatively, Developing An Eating Disorder

Wow. Last week it was cooking with paste, and this week, actual balls. The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls is completely uncalled for and contains many delicious rocky mountain oyster recipes. An excerpt from the 'About The Author' section:

Ljubomir Erovic has been cooking testicles for over 20 years.

When not cooking or eating testicles, or helping others to do so, he now runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment.

He is married with one daughter and one testicle.

*HORF* When will the insanity end? I completely understand the "waste not, want not" mentality of using all possible edibles on an animal, but the balls? Those things weren't made for eating -- they were made for necklaces. BLING!

Hit the jump to see how to properly peel a testicle and a testicle pizza. Both of which will make you puke if you've eaten recently. Cheers!

Continue Reading " The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls. Alternatively, Developing An Eating Disorder "

Nov 4 2008 Tired Yet?: Another Literal Music Video

YouTube user DustoMcNeato (the man behind the Take on Me and Head Over Heels literal videos is at it again, this time with Under the Bridge by the Red Hot Banana Peppers. It's okay. Mostly it reminded me how hot I thought Anthony Kiedis was when that video came out. And I'm not even gay anymore. I was "cured" by religion! Just kidding, still totally gay.

Youtube

Thanks to Zaquisha and Gord, who both cry along with their respective cities.

Oct 13 2008 $43 Japanese Stress-Relieving Milk

Stressed? Love milk? How about a $43 bottle of stress-relieving milk straight from the Lon-Lon Ranch?

Tokyo-based Nakazawa Foods will launch the "Adult Milk" line of products in October targetting "adults who live in a stressful society," the company said in a statement. The milk is taken from cows once a week at the break of dawn, as they discharge a lot of a stress-relieving hormone called melatonin during the night, the company said. It is said to contain three to four times as much melatonin as usual milk.

Mmm, stress-relieving milk. But $43? No way. So here's what you do: go to a strip club, a really seedy one. Oh, and one that stays open till 5am (when melatonin production is at its peak). Then pay one of strippers that just gave birth $2 for a taste. And, if it's legit, offer her a five-spot to fill up an empty beer bottle.

Japanese can now buy stress-relief milk -- for 43 dollars per bottle [akihabaranews]

Thanks to Karina, who agrees you should be allowed to suck straight from the teat for $1.

Oct 8 2008 The Shower Power: No More Slipping And Breaking Your (Most Precious) Bone

The Shower Power is a powerful suction cup with two handles. It was designed to provide a safehold while you're having sex in the shower. Or in the car. Or on the side of a building. I couldn't find out how much it costs but it can't be much. And seriously, can you really put a price on personal safety anyways? Yes, about $8. Or, if you want to live dangerously, you can do what I do and have sex while swinging from the shower head. But remember: if you're not doing the Tarzan yell you're totally ruining the experience.

Hit the jump for the product packaging which explains how to use the device in graphic silhouettey detail.

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Sep 29 2008 Mmmm, Good: Wasabi Ginger Lollipops

From Lolliphile, the makers of the Maple-Bacon lollipops, comes their newest flavor -- Wasabi Ginger! I love wasabi. I can eat a whole ball of it. I eat it until I cry. Same goes for ice cream. Oh, and cereal.

Product Page

Sep 24 2008 PETA To Ben And Jerry's: Use Breast Milk

PETA, in their unending quest to make ice cream even more delicious, is urging Ben and Jerry's to start using human breast milk instead of cow milk.

On behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters, I'd like to bring your attention to an innovative new idea from Switzerland that would bring a unique twist to Ben and Jerry's. Storchen restaurant is set to unveil a menu that includes soups, stews, and sauces made with at least 75 percent breast milk procured from human donors who are paid in exchange for their milk. If Ben and Jerry's replaced the cow's milk in its ice cream with breast milk, your customers--and cows--would reap the benefits.

The breast is best! Won't you give cows and their babies a break and our health a boost by switching from cow's milk to breast milk in Ben and Jerry's ice cream? Thank you for your consideration.

Well, they do have a point there, the breast is best. But still -- human breast milk ice cream? I dunno....

UPDATE: LEGIT! Two scoops of Mammary Madness please!

The Breast Is Best! PETA Asks Ben & Jerry's to Dump Dairy and Go With Human Milk Instead [PETA]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who, despite the tip, is still a major dick.

Aug 25 2008 The AirKick Gets You High, Wet

If you live in Germany you can rent an AirKick for an undisclosed amount of bratwurst. The human catapult (not to be confused with a human trebuchet) is capable of launching thrill-seekers 26 feet to a watery landing.

The participant sits in a specially constructed seat at the back end of the catapult arm and 3,2,1...Liftoff. He sets the device in motion himself by pushing a button. Approximately 60 liters of water are then forced through a rocket nozzle under the seat.

Awesome! I'm having them send one over here for testing, I'll report back.

UPDATE: Greetings from the ER! Not for use in the mall parking lot.

AirKick Human Water Catapult [ballerhouse]
via
AirKick human catapult slam-dunks brave riders [dvice]

Thanks Eric and Pat, but you could have warned me you know.

Aug 11 2008 The Telemegaphone Is Now Accepting Calls

The telemegaphone is a combination telephone and megaphone, hence the clever name.

Telemegaphone Dale stands seven meters tall on top of the Bergskletten mountain overlooking the idyllic Dalsfjord in Western Norway. When you dial the Telemegaphone's phone number the sound of your voice is projected out across the fjord, the valley and the village of Dale below.

Telemegaphone Dale is wind powered and self-reliant. Recently however, the weather has been exceptionally calm in Dale and there has been a massive amount of people calling.

If the Telemegaphone doesn't pick up, just give it a few hours to recuperate and try again. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Awesome -- finally somebody who will listen to me. Hello, Dale? Are there any pretty birds around? TWEET TWEET! Here birdy birdy! How's the view? Is it as awesome as I'm imagining? Is there a rainbow? I bet there's a rainbow. There is, isn't there? Shit, was that just Bigfoot? Haha, made you look. Quick, a unicorn! Jesus, you're gullible. *flush* What? No, I'm not calling from the bathroom. Wait, don't hang up! I need you. You're my only friend. You and the woodland creatures are all I have. Will you stay on the line until I fall asleep? Please? Okay, now let's so goodnight at the same time. Ready? Goodnight! Oh, you were off, let's do it again. Hello? HELLO?

Telemegaphone Official Site

Thanks to Abraham, the OG Emancipation Proclamater.

Jul 30 2008 Epic Failure Awesomeness: Lake Launch