Oct 5 2009 Delicious Light: DIY Bacon Strip Lampshade
Bacon, perhaps the most versatile tool on the planet (suck it, duct tape!), can be fashioned into just about anything. Including, but not limited to: guns and lube. And what more does a person really need (besides the love of a good woman and maybe a pet)?!
Anyway, Flickr user Kris Kelley went and made a lampshade out of bacon slices and posted a little picture tutorial. And one thing's for certain: I bet it smells divine when it heats up! Plus, 10 to 1 odds your dog eats the whole lamp first you leave the house. Ever seen a dog pass an electric cord? It's something you don't forget.
Thanks to jessica, who gamma radiated a pig in the hopes of creating naturally glowing bacon. Unfortunately, it just turns green and beats the shit out of things when it gets mad.
May 11 2009 Hello Laaaaadies: The Pheromone Ring
Pheromone, named in honor of the goddess Pheromoneus, is Greek for "bonertime". Also, you're sort of being flipped off there in the picture, so consider that a little present from me to you. Anyway, this ring emits pheromones (Greek for "Spanish Booty Juice") whenever you push it in order to attract the men/women your way. Just like flies to honey. Or the Geekologie Writer to the guy in the dinosaur costume at his son's birthday party. Which *ahem* totally never happened (seriously, return my calls, I'd like to book you again).
Squeeze the side, and the S ring emits perfume juiced with pheromones. Three scents for each sex, all custom mixed.
You have to inject the perfumes into the ring with a hypodermic needle which is supposed to invoke the "clinical process" of getting ready for a date. The scent is released when you squeeze the side, causing the tiny piezo tubes to contract.
Hey, I don't care how it works, just as long as it does work. Now I am heading straight to the bar and I am going to pheromone (Greek for "my natural, onion-y musk") some chick RIGHT IN THE EYES. And, if that doesn't work, I'm going with Plan B: tranquilizer darts. I'm not the creep, you're the creep!
Hit the jump for a couple more shots of seduction.
Apr 9 2009 Two Chicks In A Bar Having A Lightsaber Fight
NOTE: VIDEO IS SLIGHTLY NSFW DUE TO UNDERWEAR.
This is a fake commercial for men's body spray that features two chicks having a lightsaber battle over some tainty dude that smells good. SPOILER: they cut each other's clothes off, making it the best commercial for a fake product EVER. I just ordered like a million cases. Or, I dunno, left my credit card number as a Youtube comment.
Thanks to Dustin, Dallas and CJ, who once saw two chicks have a lightsaber duel while Jello wresting. I know, I should write erotic fiction.
Apr 2 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Bacon Lube
That's right folks, bacon lube. Goes perfect when your lady (or man) is wearing a bacon bra and you're scarfing a meat-ship in bed (double entendre, count it!). Ah, heaven.
As many of you know, we're huge bacon lovers here at J&D's. We now make Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and Bacon Lip Balm. That last one seemed like a stretch at first, but now that bacon has successfully made the jump from food to personal care, we're pushing it even further.
With that said, we're happy to introduce our newest product, baconlube™. It's not for sale yet, but we're looking for early product testers to put our "Everything should taste like bacon" tagline to the test. Please email us at keepitsizzlin@baconsalt.com to get on our beta tester list.
My God that sounds delicious. From fish to bacon in just a few drops. I'm really hoping this wasn't an April Fools joke either, because that would just be cruel. I went ahead and added myself to the beta tester list and haven't gotten an email back yet calling me an idiot, so that's a good sign. Now, ladies, what do you say: me, you, some Baconlube? Haha, did I just describe your wildest fantasy? Well tell me -- in your fantasy did you make me a BLT afterwards? Because that's a must.
Product Site
Thanks to Erik, bob, Julian, Lyles and Joseph, who pre-ordered a case and are gonna try to raise money for more bacon with a baconlube bikini wrestling exhibition.
Mar 21 2009 Astronaut To Test New Non-Stink Underwear
That's right, Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata is slated to test a new kind of underwear during his current visit to the space station. The "state-of-the-art" undies were designed "to reduce the smells in normal clothing, absorb sweat and provide insulation."
The underwear, developed by Japanese researchers, are made of antibacterial polymers and are fire-resistant.
Astronauts normally change their clothes every three days.
Koichi will attempt to wear the underwear for a full seven days. Which, if successful, will only be 9 days short of my record. And, if you think I'm kidding, ask my dry cleaners. Well, my ex dry cleaners. I am so stinky!
Astronaut tests non-smelly super pants in space [metro]
Thanks to Thumperchica, who doesn't care because she doesn't wear underwear. I'm with you, girl -- high five! No? Helicopter!
Feb 18 2009 Smell Gamey? You Need Playstation Soap
So check it: you smell like ass. I'm serious, you're reeking up the interwebz. You need to get yourself some $5 Playstation controller soap from Etsy seller Digitalsoaps. Looking for something a little old schooler? No problem, they sell $8 NES controller bars as well, in such exotic flavors as pink sugar, juicy watermelon, apple jack and peel, coconut lime verbena, dragon's blood, and unicorn's semen. On a side note, when I get ripe my pits smell like really onion-y chili-cheese dogs. Your musk is different. But I like your natural pheromones. I think I'm attracted to you. Kiss me. Did you feel any chemistry? I felt some. It felt like your boob. I copped a feel!
Hit the jump to see the NES controller soap.
Jan 6 2009 ZOMG, Just Like In Back To The Future!: Modify Your Car To Run On Garbage
Remember how Doc Brown had modded the Delorean in Back To The Future II to run on garbage? Well now you can do the same -- and you don't even need a Delorean (although that would help with style points, see picture above)! All you need is to throw a gasifier up in your whip.
Gasification is the use of heat to transform solid biomass, or other carbonaceous solids, into a synthetic "natural gas like" flammable fuel. Through gasification, we can convert nearly any solid dry organic matter into a clean burning, carbon neutral, gaseous fuel. Whether starting with wood chips or walnut shells, construction debris or agricultural waste, the end product is a flexible gaseous fuel you can burn in your internal combustion engine, cooking stove, furnace or flamethrower.
ZOMG, it works for flamethrowers too!?! *HONK HONK -- WHOOSH!* Best commute ever! Unfortunately, I found out the hard way the unit DOES NOT operate on trailer trash. They stole my spinning hubcaps :(
Add a Mr. Fusion to your car to let it run on garbage [dvice]
Dec 19 2008 Burger King Makes Flame Broiled Cologne
That's right folks, Burger King has come out with a cologne. Appropriately named Flame, 5ml bottles cost a staggering $4 and allegedly contain the intoxicating odor of flame-broiled burger. Mmmm.
On firemeetsdesire.com, Burger King takes pains make satire of the "sexy is serious" stylings of other fragrance campaigns, offering this description of the scent against a chic black background: "The WHOPPER sandwich is America's favorite burger. FLAME by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."
Alternatively, just rub yourself down with an actual burger. Hello ladies! What, you never seen a guy with a pickle on his neck?
Appetite for seduction: BK's new fragrance [msnbc]
Thanks to Rosie, Jaik and Thomas, who are waiting for eau de chicken nuggets. And Daisy, who stresses NO, NOT THAT DAISY!
Oct 21 2008 Bacon Tuxedo Looks, Smells Just Like Bacon
I know what you're thinking, "What IS that dapper ass-sockpuppet wearing in the picture?" And that, dear reader, is Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. The suits comes in four different sizes (from this little piggy to wild hog), cost $100, and have been chemically treated to smell like bacon sizzling in the pan. And give you cancer. Which, I think we all can agree, is a small price to smell delicious.
Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo [newsblaze]
Thanks to Julian, who once owned a chicken suit but couldn't keep the women away from his meat.
Jul 15 2008 Scientists Collect Cow Toots To Better Understand Their Effects On Global Warming
Argentinian scientists are collecting cow gas in an effort to understand how the methane produced by our bovine brethren is affecting the global solar cooker we call earth and its atmosphere.
As one of the world's biggest beef producers, Argentina has more than 55 million cows grazing in its famed Pampas grasslands.Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology, said every cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions every day.
Methane, which is also released from landfills, coal mines and leaking gas pipes, is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide.
Every cow produces 1,000 liters of emissions? Holy hellfire. I can't believe we can even breathe anymore. The scientists hope that by understanding the process by which cattle produce methane, they'll be able to alter their diets to produce less of the gas. Well call me old fashioned, but I think there's a much more logical, less scientific method for getting a cow to produce less tootage -- make them huff their own gas bags. Now I don't like awards ceremonies, so just go ahead and send the Nobel Prize to my parent's house.
Cow farts collected in plastic tank for global warming study [telegraph]
Thanks Jim and Julian, is it true that huffing cow ass gets you high?
Jun 20 2008 Woman Died Watching TV In 1966, Found 42 Years Later, Probably Stunk In The Interim
A woman in Croatia died in 1966 while watching television in her apartment, and was just now discovered.
Hedviga Golik made herself a cup of tea and sat down to watch some television in her hometown of Zagreb, Croatia. Sadly, she died in her chair. This was in 1966. She was just found, 42 years later, in her time capsule mausoleum where she's been sitting ever since. She never finished her tea.
Apparently her apartment was never checked, despite a missing person report being filed when she went missing. Only recently did the authorities break into the unit and discover the woman while trying to determine who owned the place.
Damn, that's freaking nuts! I can't imagine how the place went unchecked for 42 years. It had to have stunk like shit for a good long while. Kind of like my place. Isn't that right, Grandma? Grandma? Awh, shit.
Woman Who Died While Watching TV Sat Unfound For 42 Years [gizmodo]
Thanks Shawn, say, you mind calling the funeral parlor?
Jun 2 2008 GENIUS: A Candle That Smells Like Strippers
Sometimes there's a candle that comes along and changes the way I look at wax-fueled flames forever. And this is one -- The Hotwicks Stripper Candle. The $9 candle smells like strippers.
It's a candle and an alibi all in one! You don't smell like a stripper, you just smell like a candle.
This is our favorite candle. After hundreds of hours of research and a lot of dollar bills we succeeded in capturing the legendary stripper scent. If you don't know what a stripper smells like just imagine the perfume counter at your local department store times a thousand... then add some glitter. This is a perfect gift for your favorite bachelor, groomsmen, or retired stripper who misses her pole.
OMGWTFNOMORESLEEPINGINTHEDOGHOUSEFORTHEGEEKOLOGIEWRITER! Wow, I really need to shake the hands of the humanitarians that spent those countless hours researching this breakthrough in scent technology. Good people. Now when I come home and the wife accuses me of stripclubbing, I'll insist it's just the candle. But if she asks why I have a pastie stuck to my forehead I'll have to run and hide in the bathroom.
Another picture of the candle after the jump.
Continue Reading " GENIUS: A Candle That Smells Like Strippers "
Apr 14 2008 Halitosis Detector Also Features Alcohol Meter
We featured another stink-breath detector on Geekologie a while ago, but that one didn't have a back-lit screen or breathalyzer, so it sucked. But the Etiquiette Checker ($59) does, so while it still sucks, at least it's the lesser of two suckages. You just blow into the device, and it gives you a score from 1-6, 1 being go French kiss the hottest chick you can find, 6 being you may have just licked a dog's ass. But this marvel doesn't end there, no sir. It also gives you a blood alcohol reading in 0.05 increments (kind of useless). Remember the first time one of your friends got a breathalyzer and you all went out to see who could blow the highest? I do, it was great. I thought for sure I was going to win with a 0.27, but my buddy Shitty Bill ended up blowing us all out of the liquor with a 0.38.
R.I.P. Shitty
UPDATE: Glad this guy wasn't there.
Electronic Etiquette Checker [ohgizmo]
Mar 10 2008 Perfume Is Nasty, Gross, Nasty, Not The Worst We've Seen, Well, That's Debatable
Sécrétions Magnifiques is a scent from odor maker Libre D'Orange. And let me tell you, it probably won't be a treat for the ol' olfactory system. That's right, the cologne was designed to smell like a rotting corpse! Just kidding, it's a combination of blood, sweat, saliva and sperm. Which is pretty nasty. In the category of bad scents it's right up there with German Poontang Juice. A 50mL bottle will set you back about $76 and sounds like one of the worst wastes of money ever. I don't even know what else to say, except I paid extra for the overnight shipping option.
Smells Like Teen Spirit [divinecaroline]
Thanks to Patricio, who doesn't smell like complete ass, for the tip
Mar 3 2008 I'm Sold: Smencils Are Scented Pencils
Remember the Mr. Sketch (great name) Scented Markers that first introduced you to the wonderful world of huffing? I sure do. Damn that grape was out of this world. Well, if you loved them as much as I did, you know about the risk of accidentally marking on your nose and getting pegged as a huffer. Enter Smencils -- the pencil version of scented markers. They cost $10 for a pack of ten different scents, and are totally worth it. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to buy some, but it does mean I'll steal some and rubber cement them up my nose.
Thanks to Kelly, who always smells great, for the tip
