Nov 3 2009 Giant Crack In Africa Could Be Future Ocean

Because I love news heralding the end of the world as much as you do, I just read a large crack has recently formed in Ethiopia and may house a future ocean after the apocalypse of 2012.

A 35-mile rift in the desert of Ethiopia will likely become a new ocean eventually, researchers now confirm.

The crack, 20 feet wide in spots, opened in 2005 and some geologists believed then that it would spawn a new ocean. But that view was controversial, and the rift had not been well studied.

A new study involving an international team of scientists and reported in the journal Geophysical Research Letters finds the processes creating the rift are nearly identical to what goes on at the bottom of oceans, further indication a sea is in the region's future.

Note: That's not an actual photo of the crack there, that's just a picture I ripped off the internet. However, I will use this time to propose that the Grand Canyon will also house a future ocean. I called it first! Unless it doesn't happen, in which case it was your idea. Idiot.

Giant Crack in Africa Will Create a New Ocean [yahoonews]

Thanks to Josh, who's smart enough to know the oceans were created when God cried after realizing just how beautiful he'd made me.

Oct 27 2009 No Beach For Me: 'Monster' Great White Almost Bites Smaller Great White In Half

This is a picture of a 10-foot great white shark that was almost bitten in half by what is believed to be a 20-foot great white -- just five feet short of Jaws and only seven short of my penis.

'It certainly opened up my eyes. I mean the shark that was caught is a substantial shark in itself,' says Jeff Krause of Queensland Fisheries.

The great white, the most dangerous creature in the sea, was still alive when hauled onto a boat near Deadman's Beach off north Stradbroke island.

'Whatever attacked and took chunks out of this big shark must be massive,' said 19-year-old surfer Ashton Smith. 'I've heard about the big one that's lurking out there somewhere.

'We're all being very, very cautious.'

Listen, I'm not saying I'm the world's manliest man, but for a lifetime supply of Australian beer and the chance to ride in a kangaroo's pouch, I will kill this shark anyway you want. Provided you want me to throw dynamite from a helicopter.

Great White nearly bit in half by an even BIGGER monster: Swimmers stay out of the water after warning over giant 20ft shark [dailymail]

Thanks to Ann, wes, Blastphemer, neo geo, Chris and salsa shark, who have all ridden sharks before and said it was a memorable experience.

Oct 19 2009 BOOM!: Massive Underwater Mine Detonation

This is an old-ass video of somebody's (the French's?) Navy detonating an underwater mine. The picture quality is pretty poor but the explosion is amazing and I'm not afraid to admit I got aroused. Twice. Plus I love how at the very end they realize their boat's gonna be capsized by the resulting wave and start going apeshit. Talk about poor planning -- that's something I would do! But it's cool because I'm a blogger and not a Navy.

Youtube

Thanks to Trogdolorian, who plans on traveling back in time to seize and burninate a castle.

Oct 9 2009 Yeah, But Can It Fly?: Amphibious WaterCar Does 60MPH On Both Land And Sea

The $200,000 WaterCar is the lovechild of a Corvette that fell in love with a cigarette boat. But, like having sex with a mermaid, everyone will tell you it was just a manatee.

Get a Corvette engine, rig it up with a Dominator Jet drive, and then strap it into a floating car, and you get the WaterCar Python, the fastest and highest-performing amphibious vehicle in the world. If zipping over the water at a top speed of 60mph doesn't float your boat, it'll accelerate on land at a neck-snapping 0-to-60 speed of a mere 4.5 seconds.

Call me old fashioned, but I like all my vehicles single-purpose. If it drives on the road, I don't want it in the ocean or sky. I mean, that's just more stuff to go wrong. And wrong, my friends, is the opposite of right. And two Wrights made an airplane. ZING! Thanks for that one, dad.

Hit the jump for several more shots and a video of the thing in action (worthwhile stuff starts at 0:50).

Continue Reading " Yeah, But Can It Fly?: Amphibious WaterCar Does 60MPH On Both Land And Sea "

Oct 9 2009 Cool!: Beluga Whales Can Blow Bubble Rings

So apparently beluga whales know how to blow bubble rings, making them perfect for children's birthday parties and arguably the smartest creatures in the ocean. You hear that merfolk? Your finned asses just got demoted!

And while they chug through the water at a sluggish 2 to 5mph, their mental power more than makes up for their slowness. Scientists don't really know why Belugas - like their fellow marine mammals, the dolphins - are fond of blowing bubbles and then chasing them. But it's likely that, just like children, they simply enjoy messing about.

Some scientists have called Belugas the most intelligent creatures on earth. But don't confuse that large forehead with a huge brain.

It is actually filled with a lump of wax, which is thought to help the whales communicate. In fact, they are so talkative - using chirps, squeals and squeaks - that their nickname is 'the canary of the sea'.

Yes, 'the canary of the sea'. Not to be confused with 'the poisonous chicken of the sea', which is the Japanese Puffer Fish. I ate twelve and still lived! NOW WHO'S THE DEADLIEST CATCH COMPETITIVE EATER?! This guy.

Hit the jump for several more of the ring-blowing fun.

Continue Reading " Cool!: Beluga Whales Can Blow Bubble Rings "

Oct 8 2009 Well, It's Been Nice Knowing You: NASA Plans To Blow Up The Moon Tomorrow Morning

NOTE: If you're reading this after 7:30AM Eastern you may be dead.

As you may recall from the Pulitzer-winning article I wrote back in June (and an even ooolder article from April '06) , NASA plans to blow up the moon by crashing the $79 million Lunar Crater Observation and its Sensing Satellite (LCROSS) into the Cabeus crater on the moon's south pole.

When the twin crafts hit the lunar surface at around 6,000 mph, NASA expects "plumes of moon dust -- perhaps full of ice -- (to soar) 6.2 miles high above the moon's Cabeus crater."

NASA hopes the explosion and resulting unmooning (see what I did there? Like unearthing!) will finally settle whether there's ice and water under the moon's surface. And, if so, if it's potable. Nice, NASA -- TOO BAD YOU'RE GONNA BLOW THE MOON IN TWO LIKE BUTTCHEEKS! And do you even know what that's gonna do to the ocean's tides? I mean, besides make for the most epic day of bodyboarding EVER. See you at the beach, suckers!

NASA Will Bomb The Moon Tomorrow [io9]
and
NASA Attacks the Moon [yahoonews]

Thanks to JFreezy, Sean, The Superficial Writer, Benjamin and moses, who are gonna finish the moon off with a giant laser if NASA's plan doesn't work.

Sep 8 2009 Chinese Farmer Builds Himself A Submarine

Further proof that Chinese farmers can build virtually any mode of transportation with common household ingredients, 34-year old Tao Xiangli went and built himself a fully functional sub. Man the torpedoes!

The Chinese man has built himself his very own sub all on his own, spending two years and 30,000 yuan ($4,385) on the project. It's driven by electric motors and propellers, and even has some extra fixings, including a periscope and a depth control tank.

Tao mainly cruises the beach taking underwater pictures of girls' bikini bottoms, but recently used the sub to attempt mating with a whale. IT TORE HIS ASS UP! I could have warned you Tao, animals that big don't always play nice. *ahem* I'M LOOKING AT YOU, NESSIE!

Hit the jump for a shot of Xao maneuvering his dinghy through a drainage ditch.

Continue Reading " Chinese Farmer Builds Himself A Submarine "

Aug 28 2009 Future Farming: Giant Fish-Filled Ocean Balls

According to experts at National Geographic, the future of fish farming (aquaculture) may rely on giant, fish-filled balls floating around in the ocean.

...[A]utomated cages could herald an entirely new form of fish farming.

They might be turned loose to mimic natural systems by following carefully chosen ocean currents. The robotic fish farms could help lead to larger, healthier crops of farmed fish far from crowded coastal areas, where farmed fish both suffer from poor water quality and, by producing waste, add to water woes.

Cages might even generate their own electricity by harnessing solar energy, wave energy, or other forms of renewable power.

This reminds me of middle school. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? You are if you answered "cafeteria fish sticks"! Loved those sticks. One time I even had a fish rock! I chipped a tooth and lost it in my corn. Chocolate milk, whee!!!

The Future of Fish Farming Is Giant Autonomous Roaming Robotic Cages [eatmedaily]

Thanks to Resa, who fishes the old fashioned way: with her bare hands (and dynamite).

Aug 21 2009 Does The Dissolving Bikini Really Work?

This is a teaser trailer for a video demonstrating whether or not the dissolving bikini I posted earlier actually works. SPOILER ALERT: It does. Except it's way freaking lame and the whole bikini doesn't actually dissolve, just a couple small bands holding it on. Go HERE to see the full video, which is advertised as SFW but I'm pretty sure I saw a nipple at 0:31. Yep, there it is. Also, there's a NSFW version HERE which has a lot more nipples. Which, I think we can all agree, are what Fridays are all about...
...
...
...
...to the nudey bar! You're driving.

Video: Clint test de oplosbare bikini [clint]

Thanks to Jef, who makes bikinis disappear the old fashioned way: with x-ray vision.

Jul 17 2009 WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic

A 12-mile long trail of unknown biological goo has been spotted off the coast of Alaska. Personally, it looks like robot love-oil to me (don't ask how I know). *ahem* I'm looking at you, Optimus.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."

"It's pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it," Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose -- just bones and feathers -- to the borough's wildlife department.

ZOMG, it's the North Carolina sewer mutant's illegitimate older cousin! Now I'm not saying I want to deep fry some and include it in my Octo-taco-pancrepe-pizza, because I don't. But I would smear some all over your body and lick it off. God, am I romantic or what?

Hit the jump for a picture of a bucketful of the gunk.

Continue Reading " WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic "

Jun 22 2009 Yikes: Sharks Hunt Like Human Serial Killers

A recent study conducted by a group that I can't believe received funding for the project has determined that great white sharks hunt like human serial killers. Get a load of this freakishness:

The sharks feeding at Seal Island could have just hovered right where the seals congregated if they were random killers-of-opportunity, Hammerschlag said. But they weren't.

The sharks had a distinct M.O.

They were focused. They stalked from a usual base of operations, 100 yards from their victims. It was close enough to see their prey, but not close enough to be seen and scare off their victims. They attacked when the lights were low. They liked their victims young and alone. They tried to attack when no other sharks were around to compete. They learned from previous kills.

And they attacked from below, unseen.

Okay now I'm a little creeped out. And not just because there's a great white peeking through my bedroom wind....ZOMG THERE'S A GREAT WHITE PEEKI *glass shatters* OM NOM NOM NOM HOLY SHIT HE'S EATING MY FOOT! OH GOD HELP -- IT'S UP TO MY KNEE! OH NO, OH NO HE'S GOING FOR MY PENI....oh, choked to death.

Great white sharks hunt just like Hannibal Lecter [yahoonews]

Jun 15 2009 Raytheon Gets Contract For Laser Weapon

Raytheon, a company best known for my brother and I both swearing we saw an airplane land on top of one of their buildings in Huntsville, Alabama, has received a Navy contract to draw up the initial design of a powerful burning 100-kW Fee Electron Laser (which may or may not look like an automotive engine) to be mounted on seagoing vessels. Pew pew? No. PEW PEW!

Once designed, the naval operators could adjust the wavelength of the laser, which wasn't possible with conventional lasers. This helps compensate for the varying humidity associated with ship-borne situations.

The laser beams could be used against missiles, airplanes, or even boats.

I need one of these for my car. Seriously, I'm tired of sitting in traffic. And let me tell you, I don't just road rage, I road man-rage. You ever seen a guy tear off his own steering wheel, jam it down an air-conditioning vent and then sob uncontrollably? If you've ridden with me you have.

Navy/Raytheon working on 100kW weaponized laser: cue the 'pew-pew' sound effects [dvice]

Jun 10 2009 Iceberg, Dead Ahead!: Your Own R/C Titanic

Want a 1:150 (~6-foot) R/C scale model of the Titanic? These monster water gobbling whores allegedly have over 300 handmade parts and take over 400 man-hours to complete. You can buy them too, provided you've got a cool $2,500 lying around. Which, if you do, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE? *sockful of pennies you in the face* Haha, the boat is mine! TOOT TOOOOT! [Insert joke about going down on my ship]

Product Page
via
Remote-controlled scale model of the Titanic is asking for trouble [dvice]

May 28 2009 Frickin' Huge!: Full-Size Blue Whale Website

This full-sized blue whale website comes to us from the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society that urges everyone to "EAT MOR CHIKIN". Kidding, those are the Chick-Fil-A cows. Damn, now I want a sandwich. Ladies? Anyway, the website was designed to give the average computer user a sense of awe for just how large the sandwich you better be making me should be. Crazy, huh? Those whales are huuuuuuge. And as a guy whose had his fair share of BBW lovers: motion of the ocean, baby. I don't even know what that means, but I just bought a sailboat!

Website

Thanks to Shelby, who is a special f/x artist and could make even me look cool. On fire. While exploding. Riding a shark.

May 20 2009 Crying Wolf: The Fake Shark Attack Wetsuit

Want to look like a shark attack victim? I know, who doesn't? Well now thanks to a line of wetsuits by Diddo (the same guy that created these designer gas masks), you can. But if shark attack victim isn't for you, what about an anatomical muscle suit? Or wood? Or a rusted pattern? Hit the jump to see all the options. Currently only available in limited editions, the wetsuits will hit full production sometime in the near future. Just don't expect me to fall for the shark attack thing more than once. And speaking of which, have I ever told you about the time I faked drowning so the sexy lifeguard would perform mouth to mouth? His mustache was scratchy.

Hit it for some more worthwhile shots.

Continue Reading " Crying Wolf: The Fake Shark Attack Wetsuit "

May 18 2009 Not A Plane: Winged Submarine Is Confused

The Super Falcon isn't a bird at all. OR IS IT?!? No, it's not. It's a submarine with wings. The brainchild of British inventor Graham Hawkes, the sub is capable of diving to depths of 1,500 feet, achieving breakneck speeds of up to six knots (~7MPH or some really kinky bondage), and traveling approximately 25 nautical miles on a battery charge.

Mr Hawkes said: 'After twenty years of prototyping, Super Falcon is our most advanced and elegant submersible yet, encompassing all the innovations we made in introducing underwater flight from the surface to the bottom of the ocean.'

'It is advanced enough to go barrel-rolling with dolphins, spy-hopping with whales or searching for sunken galleons,' Mr Hawkes added.

Oh hell yes -- I want to go barrel rolling with dolphins and have sex with the Loch Ness Monster! Nessie -- NESSIE! She's a relative of the dinosaurs you know. RAWR! Or should I say WUWW!? That's RAWR underwater.

Hit the jump for several more shots of all the fun to be had.

Continue Reading " Not A Plane: Winged Submarine Is Confused "

Mar 20 2009 Underwater Volcano: Ka-Boom Shacka Lacka!

That's right folks, an underwater volcano off the coast of Tonga (near Fiji) has been erupting recently, causing all kinds of mean-nasty things to happen. Just kidding. There has been some smoke and ash though.

Scientists sailed Thursday to inspect an undersea volcano that has been erupting for days near Tonga -- shooting smoke, steam and ash thousands of feet into the sky above the South Pacific ocean.

Authorities said Thursday the eruption does not pose any danger to islanders at this stage, and there have been no reports of fish or other animals being affected.

Really, no reports of fish or animals being affected? I find that a little hard to believe. Come on now folks, I'm not five anymore, I can take some deceased fishes. Seriously, you don't have secretly replace my dead hamster with one that looks like him. Wait, you did what? NOOOOOOO -- NOT MR. CHEEKEYS! WAAAAAAAAA, I JUST WANT TO DIE!

Hit the jump for a worthwhile VIDEO of the action.

Continue Reading " Underwater Volcano: Ka-Boom Shacka Lacka! "

Mar 20 2009 Okay: Robo-Fish To Detect Ocean Pollution

This robotic fish, which looks like it was made out of precious jewels, isn't, but was actually created to detect pollutants in the earth's oceans.

The 1.5 meter long robotic fish each requires about $30,000 to make. Their purpose is to head out into the open water, take in data about water pollutants, return to a charging station about every 8 hours and while charging, submit data about water quality.

The issues with this first batch of fish is pretty clear - they're way too expensive to be made in numbers big enough to be very helpful; their charge lasts just 8 hours so they aren't able to have a very large range away from their charging stations; they run a pretty good risk of getting a bite taken out of them.

$30,000? Jesus. For half the cost of a single fish I'll rent a paddle boat and troll the underwater sensors myself. I swear, these idiotic scientists think a robot is the solution to every freaking problem. Which leads me to my next question -- how much do you think a robotic fish would fetch on eBay? Wow, really? Grab your tacklebox and meet me by the dinghy!

Video of the very life-like swimming fish after the jump.

Continue Reading " Okay: Robo-Fish To Detect Ocean Pollution "

Mar 19 2009 WTF Was That?: 'Put It On A Hook' A Rap Video Featuring Mario, Link And Mega Man

NOTE: VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE

I have no idea what I just watched but it had Mario, Link, and Megaman standing around drinking beer, taking bong hits and fishing. Which makes it the coolest thing I've seen all day not.*

*BBW holding 'I Heart Geekologie Sign' excluded.

Put it on a hook - A rap video (featuring mario, link and megaman) by Inhumans [funnyordie]

Thanks again to Julian, who once caught a great white by dangling his hammerhead in the water. HIYO!

Feb 24 2009 FREE: Navy Giving Away Stealth Ship & Dock

And I want them!

One is called Sea Shadow. It's big, black and looks like a cross between a Stealth fighter and a Batmobile. It was made to escape detection on the open sea. The other is known as the Hughes (as in Howard Hughes) Mining Barge. It looks like a floating field house, with an arching roof and a door that is 76 feet wide and 72 feet high. Sea Shadow berths inside the barge, which keeps it safely hidden from spy satellites.

The barge, by the way, is the only fully submersible dry dock ever built, making it very handy -- as it was 35 years ago -- for trying to raise a sunken nuclear-armed Soviet submarine.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? A floating safe-haven from the robots! So this is what we're gonna do: pack that vessel chock-full of grade-A seamen and head out on the open ocean. Why, you ask? Because the majority of robots are land-based (we'll still have to watch out for these guys though). Now who's with me? C'mon -- we'll bang mermaids! Heads up though: stay away from Poseidon's daughter. Dude caught me messing around with her in highschool and tried to suck me down the bathtub drain.

Hit the jump for two more of the giveaways.

Continue Reading " FREE: Navy Giving Away Stealth Ship & Dock "