Dec 2 2008 'Tis The Season....To Crack Nuts?
With Jesus's b-day rapidly approaching, it's time to bust out the eggnog and nutcrackers and have a holly jolly boozefest. Am I right? And what sort of holiday spread is complete without nuts? Man, I freaking love nuts. Filberts, walnuts, pistachios, almonds, I gobble them all. And you know what they say about almonds don't you? Eight almonds a day, uh, keeps pederasts at bay? I don't actually know if they say that, but I'm gonna start. Anyway, this is a Star Wars nutcracker set available from Hammburgler Slumlordicus (that's two in one day!). 99 coconuts takes the whole set.
Darth Vader stands 10" tall and is draped in a vinyl cape, capped by his signature black helmet. He holds his red lightsaber and is decorated with details including vinyl boots, his breathing apparatus, and chest control unit. R2-D2 stands 7" tall displaying his handpainted circuitry; his anterior louvered vents conceal the "cracker." Master Jedi Yoda stands 7 1/2" tall with his walking stick and his humble burlap robe. Non-functional, they are for decorative purposes only.
Now wait just a long time ago minute! Non-functional? How hard is it to make the damn things functional? Isn't a nutcracker just a freaking hinge? WTF! I'll tell you what -- you just can't bust a nut like you used to. Wow, did I just go there? I did. I went there, I raged, I burnt the village down, I came back, got drunk again, lost a shoe, and puked in the other one. Now it's all mushy when I walk. And it stinks. But I'd still drink out of it. Hardcore. HARDCORE!
Thanks to James and Allison, who can both crack nuts between their pinky and ring finger because they're from that same planet Superman is from. Krypton. They're from Krypton.
Dec 1 2008 The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking With Balls. Alternatively, Developing An Eating Disorder
Wow. Last week it was cooking with paste, and this week, actual balls. The Testicle Cookbook: Cooking with Balls is completely uncalled for and contains many delicious rocky mountain oyster recipes. An excerpt from the 'About The Author' section:
Ljubomir Erovic has been cooking testicles for over 20 years.
When not cooking or eating testicles, or helping others to do so, he now runs a company involved in the maintenance of medical and dental equipment.He is married with one daughter and one testicle.
*HORF* When will the insanity end? I completely understand the "waste not, want not" mentality of using all possible edibles on an animal, but the balls? Those things weren't made for eating -- they were made for necklaces. BLING!
Hit the jump to see how to properly peel a testicle and a testicle pizza. Both of which will make you puke if you've eaten recently. Cheers!
Oct 28 2008 OLD!: UFO Guy Probably Tripping Constantly
You've probably seen this video before, but I hadn't. Does that make you better than me? Oh fo sho. Anyway, it's some guy that has sneaking acid onto planes down pat, rambling about a UFO siting in Chicago last winter. He reminds me of the rainbow lady, if the rainbow lady was a dude telling me my face was melting off.
Thanks to Miriam, who loves antiques as much as I do.
Sep 22 2008 Crazy Rainbow In The Sprinkler Conpiracy
This is a video of a woman who ate a bunch of lead-based paint chips filming a rainbow that appeared in her sprinkler. She's convinced it's a government conspiracy and they're pumping something into our water/oxygen supply to run tests on us. Needless to say, I think she's on to something.
Youtube
Thanks to chaosthirteen and Stevie, who both agree with me when I say where's my tinfoil helmet?
Sep 16 2008 Naked Man Walks Dog, Gets Tasered
A 40-year old virgin in Tallahassee, Florida was tasered and arrested last Friday night for walking his dog in the nude (him, the dog had a collar on). Apparently the man become belligerent and refused to obey a cops orders, which led to the zap zap action. And here comes the kicker:
When asked what he was doing, the man told the officer, "Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog," (Officer) McCranie said.
Holy shit, I need his dealer's number.
Naked man walking dog Tasered by Tallahassee police [tallahassee]
Thanks to Ryan, who at least has the decency to throw on a hat before going out.
Sep 12 2008 I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber
The Sensory Deprivation Skull is a little room you climb into when your wife won't stop nagging you about "cutting the grass" and "getting a job". It effectively blocks out light and wife-banter and will eventually make you go crazy and possibly even masturbate to vivid hallucinations of Smurfette. Needless to say, I want one pretty bad. But if you're looking for the ultimate in sensory deprivation, I recommend you tie a black garbage bag over your head. You won't sense a thing....ever!
Note: Please nobody do that. I can't deal with another death on my conscience.
Hit it for one more picture of a sexy little lady crawling around inside your skull.
Continue Reading " I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber "
Jun 27 2008 Toaster Launches Your Bread When It's Done
Freddie Yauner is a nutjob. A nutjob with a dream. A pretty lame dream. A dream of building The Highest Popping Toaster In The World. And here it is. It uses high-pressure CO2 and a mechanical arm to blast your toast through the ceiling and kill the woman in the apartment above yours that you swear must run on the freaking treadmill directly above your desk all day long. That's it, I'm going up there and screaming at her until she cries.
UPDATE: Damnit, she distracted me with a loaf of banana bread and I forgot what I went up there for. I think she's a witch.
Insane toaster launches your toast high into the air for some reason [dvice]
Thanks to Lee, king of problematic neighbors.
May 30 2008 UPDATE: Alien Video To Be Shown To Media Today, Now With Frame Grab From Video
You may have heard of Jeff Peckman, he's that lunatic in the picture (looking even spacier than the father of LSD) that's trying to get Denver to put together an Extraterrestrial Affairs Commission to deal with alien encounters and the subsequent probings. Well now he's convinced he has video footage of a real-life alien that proves their existence. The video will be shown to the media today, but is not allowed to be filmed, as it's part of a documentary set for public release next month.
An instructor at the Colorado Film School in Denver scrutinized the video "very carefully" and determined it was authentic, Peckman said.Peckman, 54, said the video was among the reasons he was "compelled" to launch the proposed ballot initiative, which has generated news as far as South Africa.
"It shows an extraterrestrial's head popping up outside of a window at night, looking in the window, that's visible through an infrared camera," he said. The alien is about 4 feet tall and can be seen blinking, Peckman said earlier this month.
Way to try to sell some shitty alien documentary guys, but I'm not falling for it. Listen -- I know the easy thing to do when you wake up in the morning with a tender ass is to blame aliens, but sometimes you need to man up and admit there IS a possibility that you got too drunk and told your girlfriend to stick something up there. I'm just saying, it happens.
UPDATE: Frame grab picture that was handed out to the media added after the jump.
Continue Reading " UPDATE: Alien Video To Be Shown To Media Today, Now With Frame Grab From Video "
Apr 18 2008 Jet Car Driver: Must Be Handsome, Charming
Ed Shadle and Keith Zanghi are two nutjobs that want to break the 800 mph land speed record in the US. To achieve such a breakneck speed they've built the North American Eagle -- a jet car powered by a 1957 Lockheed F-104 Starfighter's 42,500 horsepower engine. The damn thing eats 160 gallons of fuel a minute and costs $16,000 in gas every run. Now I can think of better ways to spend my money, but whatever, I have no record-breaking dreams.
Now the couple is having trouble finding sponsors because no one is interested in two old codgers that built a rocket car, they want a handsome, charismatic daredevil. So now the team is looking for one. You must be between the ages of 20-40, and photogenic. Death wish preferred, but not required. If you want to give it a go send a 400-word email to landspeedracing@gmail.com explaining why you're the man for the job, and attach a photo. Now here's a great idea -- how about getting a woman to drive it? That'll certainly garner some publicity. Think about what Danica Patrick did for racing. I can honestly say I had never masturbated to an IndyCar event before she started. Now I'll even do it to a Nascar Truck Series race. What was my point here? Oh right, a woman. I love women.
Just to give you an idea of how touch with reality these two guys are, Shadle told the Times Online, "It's a lot of fun to drive, but if my age is stopping us getting sponsors, we have to remove that barrier. We'll put some hotshot in the driving seat who looks like Robert Redford and see how that works." Wow, Shadle, wow. The last time I checked (which was 30 seconds ago), Robert Redford was 71 and had a grandfatherly look about him. Not sure that's the look sponsors were going for. Unless, of course, you were referring to Redford in 1969's Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In which case I loved his mustache in that movie. Wish I could grow one like that, I'd sell rides.
Driver wanted for jet car: must be young, fearless, good looking [dvice]
Feb 5 2008 Wicked MASHERTRON Robot Suit On eBay
A Canadian by the name Steve Masher made a pretty wicked robot costume and is selling it on eBay. It's called MASHERTRON (an homage to his sweet last name).
The suit comes with Z0M190D type 2 deathray, composite fiber chest armor and whatever awesome name you want to call the head. selling because i am starting collage next year and it is very expensive. if you ask nicely i might be willing to include the ax for free as well.
He might include the ax!?! I thought the suit alone was enough to justify the $503 starting bid. Just look at that extensive use of packing tape to hold his horn thingies on. That stuff doesn't come cheap folks. And the death ray on his arm? Awesome. I'm just glad he was smart enough to not point it directly at the camera for the picture, otherwise we'd all be dead.
NOTE: I'm not totally sure, but this auction may be a hoax. Mostly because the seller mentions starting "collage" next year, which I'm pretty sure is an art project made out of cut-up magazines and is not "very expensive" like he claims.
eBay Auction
Thanks to Ryan, who doesn't make cardboard armor because he values his sex life, for the tip
