Jul 22 2009 Neato: Human Bodies Produce Visible Light

Thats right folks, the human body actually produces visible light -- and not just if you live under power lines! Unfortunately, it's not visible to us because it's 1,000 times weaker than our eyes can detect.

The human body literally glows, emitting a visible light in extremely small quantities at levels that rise and fall with the day, scientists now reveal.

In fact, virtually all living creatures emit very weak light, which is thought to be a byproduct of biochemical reactions involving free radicals.

The researchers found the body glow rose and fell over the day, with its lowest point at 10 a.m. and its peak at 4 p.m., dropping gradually after that. These findings suggest there is light emission linked to our body clocks, most likely due to how our metabolic rhythms fluctuate over the course of the day.

Oh man, I remember the first time I glowed. It was right after I made out with the Hulk a hot young lady. Kidding, it was a nuclear reactor. What do you say -- uranium rod me one more time for old time's sake? Think about it.

Strange! Humans Glow in Visible Light [yahoonews]

Thanks to Sean, catch22, FDSY, Erin and Watch-303, who glow particularly dull because they've eaten too many lead-based paint chips.

May 26 2009 Not Surprised: Ninja Turtle Notoriety Charts

I can honestly say I'm surprised the numbers for renaissance artists aren't even lower. Because one time when I was substitute teaching for a class of fourth graders I asked who sculpted David and the only response was from a girl who asked if that was the one with the penis. I said yes and then they all started chanting I was gay.

Ninja Turtles [xkcd]

Thanks Andrew, who once cowabunga'ed two chicks at once in the Party Wagon.

May 17 2009 Inventor Denied Patent For Human 'Killer Chip'

A Saudi inventor was recently denied a German patent for what is being described as a "killer chip". What is a killer chip? Cooler Ranch Doritos, hands down.

The basic model would consist of a tiny GPS transceiver placed in a capsule and inserted under a person's skin, so that authorities could track him easily. Model B would have an extra function -- a dose of cyanide to remotely kill the wearer without muss or fuss if authorities deemed he'd become a public threat.

The inventor said the chip could be used to track terrorists, criminals, fugitives, illegal immigrants, political dissidents, domestic servants and foreigners overstaying their visas.

"The invention will probably be found to violate paragraph two of the German Patent Law -- which does not allow inventions that transgress public order or good morals

If the aliens have taught us anything, it's that the key to successful human tracking is NOT LETTING THE HUMANS KNOW. You embed a cyanide chip under my skin and guess what -- I'm cutting it out. With my teeth. Oh I'm sorry, was that too hardcore for you? Yeah, well one time I ate two of my own toes because I hadn't eaten dessert.

Saudi 'Killer Chip' Implant Would Track, Eliminate Undesirables [foxnews]

Thanks to Dustin and philip, who track people the old fashioned way: by looking for footprints and shit. Literally, looking for shit.