Apr 19 2009 Fail: How Not To Get Your Wife Pregnant
I'm filing this one under awesome. Awesomely sad. Some guy paid his neighbor $2,500 to have sex with his wife 72 times in an attempt to get her pregnant. But it didn't work! Read the whole article to find out what happened, and trust me -- it'll make you feel good about your own life. Unless your kids look suspiciously like the Fed-Ex guy, in which case, hey, I'm sure it's just coincidence. BWAH AHHAHAHA! Coincidence. BWAHAHAHA!
Paid to do it 72 times [just-whatever]
Thanks to Josh, who once got an entire women's swim team pregnant just by tipping his toe in the pool.
Apr 6 2009 Thief Uses Head As Battering Ram, Fails
A would-be thief tried to use his head as a battering ram to bust open the back door of a home in St Petersburg, Florida. He failed miserably. But I loved how he got down like a bull before charging the door, I thought that was a nice touch. Just chalk it up as a learning experience, buddy. One about God not compensating for lacking brainpower with a reinforced skull and spine.
Nutty robber uses his head [thesun]
Thanks to Richie-Con-Carne, who once laid siege to an entire castle wearing a bicycle helmet.
Apr 6 2009 For Sale: The T-Virus Vial From Resident Evil
Want to own the T-virus?
Direct from the set of Resident Evil:Extinction comes the very very key virus tube! This is one of the most sought after movie collectibles from this franchise and is yours to bring home today. This is a glass vial with non-removable metal end caps with empty spiraling inner glass tubes. (One of the Tubes is loose) This measures approximately 4.75" x 1.5" and is screen used.
What do you mean, "One of the Tubes is loose"? I ain't paying no damn $4K for a nonfunctional virus container, I'll tell you that right now. You try to fill that up and next thing you know you're spilling T-virus juice down the front of your pants. Which....
UPDATE: It grew arms! Now, who needs a Monday hug?
Thanks to OctopusPie, who's delicious with a little CuttlefishIcecream.
Mar 23 2009 At Least He Was Honest: Internet Scam Fail
I can't even count the number of times I've been contacted by Nigerian princes to help move their money out of the country. Unfortunately, I don't keep a bank account because that's just another way the man tries to keep tabs on my brothel me on a short leash. Anyway, I like how the scammer comes out of character at the end with a "thanks man". That was great. Not as great as my love for you, but I have a big heart. And hands. Hey, did you know if your hand is bigger than your face you'll die young? It's true -- you should try it. *SMACK-A-POW* Wow, I can't believe you fell for that. Ha, or when I told you I loved you.
Thanks to Joemo, who once conned an old lady out of her retirement by having sex with her. Gross, Joemo.
Mar 11 2009 Go-Go Gadget Ugly: Dr. Claw's Real Face
This is a picture of Dr. Claw's face from Inspector Gadget. For those of you who wanted to keep it a mystery, I'm sorry, but I was too lazy to edit a picture with a censor bar. Oh, and the Easter Bunny isn't real either -- it's just some sex offender in a rabbit costume. Geekologie: shooting straight from the hip since April, 2006.
Hit the jump for a full body shot and bonus MAD Cat.
Continue Reading " Go-Go Gadget Ugly: Dr. Claw's Real Face "
Mar 2 2009 Do You See What Happens, Larry?
This is older so you may have already seen it. It's the scene from The Big Lebowski when Walter is beating the hell out of "Larry's" car with a crowbar. Except it was edited for television, making it perfectly SFW. Do you see what happens, Larry?? This is what happens, Larry!
Thanks to Mike, who doesn't want to see what happens.
Feb 26 2009 Cleverbot: Arguably Clever, Wants Us To Die
Cleverbot is a stupid little AI website where you can go and converse with a moronic computer. I asked it all kinds of questions and it didn't know jack. One time I even asked if it wanted me to punch it in the teeth and it said yes! Granted, getting punched in the mouth by yours truly is an honor, but still. Anyway, Geekologie loyalist Josh was getting all philosophical with the bot when it turned on him. I hope this serves as an example for the rest of you: if you play with fire, you're gonna lose your eyebrows. Haha, you look funny.
Thanks Josh, I'm sure they'll grow back.
Feb 24 2009 Not Impressed: The UK's Hottest Halo Fan
Apparently 25-year old Amanda Johnstone from South London was chosen by XBox as the UK's hottest Halo fan. I find it a little hard to believe, but who knows, I'd still Chief it.
At this point, we'd love to tell you (Miss World Style) about her charity work, measurements and star sign, but sadly we can only inform you that aside from walking round her house in a skimpy top and hot pants, Amanda runs her own events management company, hangs about the Halo Club night at The Cross, Kings Cross, London, sings karaoke and walks her pet Chihuahua 'Chiefy'. Come on, at least it's not quite as obvious as calling it Halo. Ok, maybe it is.
Eh, she's okay. I doubt she can actually play Halo though. I would have thought the UK's hottest Halo fan would have been more, you know, caught in a house fire. Did that just get you excited? It did me! It's called pyrophilia folks, and I've got it.
Continue Reading " Not Impressed: The UK's Hottest Halo Fan "
Jan 7 2009 Motorola's New Carbon-Neutral Cell Phone
Motorola unveiled what is believed to be the first carbon neutral (and sideways) cell phone at the 2009 Consumer Electronics Show this week. The W233 Renew Phone is made predominately out of recycled plastic bottles and Motorola hopes it will help the company bust a circuit all up in the environmentally friendly market segment.
Motorola said it was the world's first carbon neutral phone. As well as using recycled materials for the plastic casing, the company also pledged to offset the carbon dioxide used in manufacturing, distribution and operation of the phone through investments in renewable energy sources and reforestation.Motorola, which has lost market share by being slow to follow trends such as touchscreens and high-speed data links, also plans to showcase three different items at CES: a relatively large touchscreen tablet phone, a rugged phone, and a rechargeable cable TV remote control with a find feature.
Holy shit -- a rechargeable TV remote with a find feature! That's new and exciting! Seriously Motorola, I can see why you've been struggling. And who can get that excited about your recycled-plastic phone anyways -- it looks like the same piece of shit i was rocking three years ago (minus the lime green). Now a cell-phone manufactured out of used condoms, THAT would be something. Aural sex anyone?
Motorola phone made from recycled bottles [msnbc]
Thanks to ITSELF, who once had phone-sex with some chick at 411 and didn't even have to pay.
Nov 26 2008 Israeli Software 'Beautifies' Ugly Faces
A group of Israeli computer scientists think they've developed a program that can beautify a human face based on the innate preferences humans have. As you can see from the "beautified" Mona Lisa there, they've failed. I could have done a better job in Microsoft Paint.
"We were able to fit a mathematical model to this set of data that we've gathered, namely the images that we showed to people and their responses in terms of the beauty scores that they chose to give to each image," said Lischinksi.
Um, dude? Your mathematical model blows monster dino-dick.
The team then applied the model to modify images so as to make them appear more attractive. They are now exploring a variety of potential commercial applications for the software, Lischinski said."This is something we're looking into," he said. It remains to be seen whether women would simply use the improved image as a guide to more effective makeup application or whether people take it to a plastic surgeon and say: "Make me look like that."
Ladies, this is such garbage -- you're all beautiful just the way you are. Especially naked. And I mean that.
Keep the pictures coming.
Hit the jump for a real human face comparison.
Continue Reading " Israeli Software 'Beautifies' Ugly Faces "
Oct 29 2008 Thanks But No Thanks: A Beer Pouring Robot
TMCO is a metal products manufacturer in Lincoln, Nebraska, that, for a recent open house, programmed one of their factory robots to act as bartender. Although, truthfully, he doesn't actually pour your drinks for you, he just operates the tap and demands tips. Seriously, I have to hold my own glass up there, and then you expect a tip? I did just as much work as you did! You, robot beer-pourer, are a greedy asshole. Quick, somebody pull his plug, I'll grab the tip jar!
Beer-Pouring Robot [neatorama]
Thanks to Michael, who knows I'll post any tip that has "beer" and "robot" in the title.
Oct 20 2008 Hank The Comedic Robot (Should Die)
Hank is a little animatronic comedian built by Ford which runs a comedy act at the State Fair in Texas. I guess you could call him a robot, but I'm pretty sure (SPOILER ALERT: don't read if you still believe the tooth fairy is an actual fairy and not a goblin that touches you while you're sleeping) Hank just stands there waving his arms around while somebody does all his speaking for him from a hidden location. There, I ruined it. The gig is up Hank, you'll never work in this town again.
UPDATE: Now he's a Walmart greeter. I hit him with my cart!
Hank the robot has State Fair auto show crowds laughing, wondering [dallasnews]
Thanks to Ken, who promised to run into him a few times with one of those complimentary Hoverounds first chance he gets.
Jun 10 2008 Videos: Popping Popcorn With Cell Phones
This is a video of people popping a few kernels of popcorn using nothing but cell phones. A ton of similar videos have appeared on Youtube recently (more posted after the jump). Needless to say, they're fake. It's just a variation of the "cook an egg with a cellphone" hoax that went around a few years ago. And as awesome as it would be to save $8 by sneaking in and popping your own popcorn in the movie theater, it ain't gonna happen. If cell phones had to power to actually pop corn, my girlfriend's head would have exploded years ago.
Hit the jump for several more of the FAKE! videos.
Continue Reading " Videos: Popping Popcorn With Cell Phones "
Feb 28 2008 President's Home Theater Is Freaking Lame-o
This is a picture of the president's home theater. It looks pretty sucky. Not what I would have gone for at all. Come on pres, where's the Star Wars theme? I mean you could have gone with anything, like Star Trek, Terminator, the Batcave, the Nautilus, Indiana Jones, or just balls-to-the-wall expensive. But no, you go with a red and gold motif and freaking ottomans in the front row. What are you, a woman? Oh, it turns out Laura Bush was the one responsible for the decoration. Well I see who wears the pants in your relationship, Mr. President. That breaks cardinal rule 4 of being a man: Thou shalt not alloweth thine wife to designeth thy home theatereth. You fool!
Another picture of the room, along with one of what it used to look like, after the jump.
Continue Reading " President's Home Theater Is Freaking Lame-o "
