Nov 19 2009 I Smell Beer Pong!: Pick Your Nose Cups Prevent Spread Of Drinkborne Illnesses
These Pick Your Nose party cups from Fred are a set of 24 cups (2 each of 12 designs) with different noses printed on them. That way you can easily identify your beverage and not end up drinking from somebody's dipping spit-cup. WHICH HAPPENS. Plus, you you get to spice up your look a bit. Although I'm a little disappointed they didn't get a little more creative with the designs. What about a witch doctor's nose with a bone through it? Don't even tell me that's not a brilliant idea. Because I will shrink your head faster than you can say, "OOO EEE, OOO AH AH TING TANG WALLA WALLA BING BANG!" Now, go look in the mirror. Haha, of course I didn't actually do it -- I DON'T EFF WITH BLACK MAGIC. Now The Gathering, that's a whole different story none of your business.
Hit the jump for a woman drinking out of a man's nose model. A woman with a man's nose -- ha!
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May 5 2009 Pfft, Who Needs Ears?: Pierced Glasses
Born without ears? Lose them in a samurai sword fight? Whatever the case, for those of you who have found yourself both aurally and ocularly challenged, you may want to consider pierced glasses. Pierced glasses are a pair of prescription eyeglasses that stay affixed to your ugly mug via a piercing through the nose. Pretty clever. Not as clever as just having Lasik surgery so you can shoot lasers out of your eyeballs, but hey, laser vision isn't for everyone. And, incidentally, neither are laser-wangs. Go ask The Superficial Writer why he's blind in one eye.
Pierced Eyeglasses [bmezine]
Thanks to Warfaremonkey, who wears a pierced hat and is now limited to the use of his animal brain like Phineas Gage.
Apr 6 2009 I Like The Sound Of That: Huffable Chocolate
Normally I'm an airplane glue kind of guy, but hey, chocolate could be good. Good mixed with airplane glue! That's what I'm talkin' about -- double fist style! Anyway, Le Whif breathable chocolates are supposed to give you the same sensations as eating chocolate, but probably nowhere near as good. An analogy: Breathable chocolate:chocolate::porn:sex. With both breathable chocolate and porn you get no ass! ZA-ZA-ZA-ZING!
Over the centuries we've been eating smaller and smaller quantities at shorter and shorter intervals," says (David) Edwards who, coincidentally (yeah, right) has a new novel out at the same time. It seemed to us that eating was tending toward breathing, so, with a mix of culinary art and aerosol science, we've helped move eating habits to their logical conclusion. We call it whiffing.
No, we call it huffing, Dave. Whiffing is when you try to punch somebody and miss. If you're interested, Le Whif huffgun shells are available in chocolate, mint chocolate, chocolate raspberry and chocolate mango and sell for about $4 a pop. No word on how much huff you get out of a single canister, but if I had to guess, I'd say one...two...three... *CRUNCH* three.
Hit the jump for a video of some bicycle-seat whiffing in action.
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Apr 3 2009 Geekologie Writer Quoted On CakeWrecks
Well, this is the part of the day when I toot my own horn because nobody else will touch it, no matter how much money or free ShamWow I offer. So, the cakewrecks blog (a personal favorite of mine) quoted me in a post about nose cakes yesterday. I'm "that guy from Geekologie". WOOT! I've made it -- I've finally made it! *wipes tear* You see that, dad? And you always said I'd never amount to anything! What? I told you, your rent money is coming! Fix my sink already, God. Also, could you float me a $20 -- I wanna go to the mall.
Thanks to Whitney and Melodious Monk for pointing out the PEW.
Mar 4 2009 Star Trek Inspired Colognes Coming Soon To A Galaxy Near You (Hint: The Milky Way)
What could possibly be better than smelling like the original Star Trek television series? Nothing! Well, besides smelling like me. *WHIFF* Mmmm, chili-cheese dogs. Really drives the bitches wild. I'm serious, Chloe and Ginger are literally fighting over my shirt. CUT IT OUT YOU TWO -- no walk later unless you're good! Created by Genki Wear, there will be three different scents to choose from:
Tiberius
The Tiberius cologne, named in honor of the Mirror Universe James T. Kirk's challenges users to "Boldly Go" with a perfume described as being spiked with "notes of freshness and sensuality.
Red Shirt
Genki's "Red Shirt" cologne (whose tag line "Because Tomorrow May Never Come" is priceless) celebrates the sacrifices of those often nameless crew of the USS Enterprise. Described appropriately as a cologne for those with a "devotion to living each day as it could be your last" the cologne has top notes of green mandarin, bergamot, and lavender, with base notes of leather and grey musk.
Pon Farr
The most risqué titled of the new Star Trek fragrances is "Ponn Farr" which is a perfume designed to "drive him wild." It should only be used once every seven years (okay, that isn't true). Named for the Vulcan mating ritual first introduced in the episode "Amok Time," this perfume is one of the newly designed products meant to appeal to female fans.
Eh, I'm not crazy about any of them. No, I think I'll be saving my fragrance dollar for Eau de KHAAAAAAAN!
Hit the jump for a picture of Tiberius.
Feb 2 2009 Fat Face: Face Slimmer Allegedy Slims Faces
First of all, I predicted the Steelers would win the Super Bowl in a post a couple weeks ago. So I am officially magic. And also, I have a fat face. So thank God for this Japanese face slimmer. It's basically a rubber mask you wear to pretend you're a homicidal cannibal and scare your family. It's similar to binding your feet, except it won't work. If you really want a slim face just man up and use a vice. It works -- I'm so handsome now the dog will play with me.
Japanese face slimmer will definitely not work as advertised [dvice]
Dec 19 2008 Burger King Makes Flame Broiled Cologne
That's right folks, Burger King has come out with a cologne. Appropriately named Flame, 5ml bottles cost a staggering $4 and allegedly contain the intoxicating odor of flame-broiled burger. Mmmm.
On firemeetsdesire.com, Burger King takes pains make satire of the "sexy is serious" stylings of other fragrance campaigns, offering this description of the scent against a chic black background: "The WHOPPER sandwich is America's favorite burger. FLAME by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."
Alternatively, just rub yourself down with an actual burger. Hello ladies! What, you never seen a guy with a pickle on his neck?
Appetite for seduction: BK's new fragrance [msnbc]
Thanks to Rosie, Jaik and Thomas, who are waiting for eau de chicken nuggets. And Daisy, who stresses NO, NOT THAT DAISY!
Oct 21 2008 Bacon Tuxedo Looks, Smells Just Like Bacon
I know what you're thinking, "What IS that dapper ass-sockpuppet wearing in the picture?" And that, dear reader, is Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. The suits comes in four different sizes (from this little piggy to wild hog), cost $100, and have been chemically treated to smell like bacon sizzling in the pan. And give you cancer. Which, I think we all can agree, is a small price to smell delicious.
Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo [newsblaze]
Thanks to Julian, who once owned a chicken suit but couldn't keep the women away from his meat.
Sep 30 2008 What?: Man Punches Shark To Save Dog
Some guy allegedly punched a shark in the face to save his rat terrier, quite possibly making him the manliest man womanly enough to actually own a rat terrier.
Man punches shark [cnn]
Thanks to Julian, who once punched a shark in the nads for taking a bite of his tuna-salad sandwich.
Sep 3 2008 Untooned Michael Jackson
Done in the same style of untooning as Mario and Jessica Rabbit comes Michael Jackson. In celebration of his 50th birthday, Photoshoppers set out to create a non-surgically enhanced Michael Jackson. As you can see, he looks like a handsome, middle-aged black man. And not a, uh, Geisha girl.
Michael Jackson Sans Surgery [buzzfeed]
Thanks to Tyson, who only believes in one kind of facial surgery -- boobs.
Jun 9 2008 Emoticon Mask Hides Your True Emotions
The Mask Of Emotion was developed by the Digital Media Design Department at Hongik University in Korea and should have been included in Majora's Mask. The bulbous headgear hides true emotions and instead shows one of seven emoticons chosen by the wearer. It also makes crossing busy intersections infinitely more dangerous. I suggest my girlfriend wear one in the bedroom when we're getting intimate. Partly because she's so painful to look at, but mostly because I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. Seriously, I can count the number of times I've been with a woman on two hands.*
*Minus one hand, three and a half fingers.
Emoticon mask will make you smile [make]
Thanks to Kari, who wears her emotions on her sleeve
Apr 30 2008 Nose Plugs Keep You Safe From Bio-hazards
Well I'm not really sure how safe they'll keep you from serious bio-hazards, but they've got to be better than just pulling your shirt up over your nose, right? Maybe not, I don't know. I ain't no damn noseologist, I'm a geekologist. Anyway, the Nose Mask Pit cost $14 and fit nice and tight up in your nostrils to keep out allergens and other nasty stuff. Maybe you want them, or maybe you prefer a surgical mask. Personally, I don a full-fledged gasmask. Like my grandpappy used to say, you never can be too safe or too drunk at a seedy strip club. Amen to that, pappy. If you do decide to go with these, let me give you a word of warning: Be careful. As a kid I stuffed two Hot-Wheels tires up one nostril and a cherry pit up the other and had to go to the hospital. My mom was afraid they'd cause lasting damage, but, thankfully, the doctor assured her I was retarded long before the incident.
Feb 1 2008 NosePouch: People Still Use Handkerchiefs?
I had no idea people still used handkerchiefs. I thought they were banned in the 90's because it's disgusting to carry a snot filled rag around with you all day. Apparently I was wrong. And apparently they've been upgraded to feature a pouch for your nose. NosePouches are a modern miracle of nose-blowing technology and cost about $2 apiece. I don't need one because I don't blow my nose, it hurts my head. I usually just wipe it on my arm because I'm gross. That and I heard if you blow your nose too hard your arm explodes. True story -- that photo I manipulated in Photoshop proves it.
Thanks to Kelly, whose beauty makes my head explode, for the tip
