Nov 2 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Crazy Fork Lift Accident

I got to operate a fork lift once, and let me tell you: I've never seen Lowe's employees run so fast. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED PAINT MIXED?! Anyway, this is a horrible fork lift accident that destroys nearly $250K of precious vodka in distribution center. Oh the humanity! Still, it is pretty awesome. And by awesome I mean devastating. And by devastating I mean very, very awesome. FULL CIRCLE BABY, who's down for an elephant walk?!

Fork Lift Accident Brings Down The Warehouse [break]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, Zach and Kelly, who don't destroy booze, booze destroys them. Same here, guys.

Nov 2 2009 Great: MIT Developing Dashboard Death Bots

MIT, a school best known for not accepting me despite two super-sweet essays and several threatening phone calls, is now developing a robot companion for drivers. Why? Because we need more distractions in the car.

AIDA (Affective Intelligent Driving Agent) communicates with the driver via a small, sociable robot built into the dashboard. The idea is to develop an informed and friendly passenger, the buddy perpetually riding shotgun who aside from reading the map and helping with navigation, acts as a companion. As such, AIDA is being developed to read drivers' moods via their facial expressions and other cues (hand gestures?) and respond to them in the proper social context. It communicates back in very human ways as well: with a smile, the blink of an eye, the drooping of its head.

AIDA analyzes the driver's mobility patterns, common routes and destinations, and driving habits. It then merges its knowledge of the driver with its knowledge of the city around it, mashing up the drivers priorities and needs with real-time information on everything from tourist attractions to environmental conditions to commercial activity to help the driver make better decisions.

Yeah, but can he take the wheel? Because what good is a robot in the car if it can't drive you home? I don't need a friend in the car THAT'S WHY WE HAVE TEXTING, am I right? No, I'm dead wrong. Literally: DEAD. WRONG. Don't text and drive.

This message brought to you by the GW and everyone else who agrees that you already suck at driving bad enough without another distraction.

MIT Introduces a Friendly Robot Companion For Your Dashboard [popsci]

Thanks to Jeff, tom and Kristi, who just get lost and play 'I Spy' with themselves in the car like normal people.

Nov 1 2009 White House Halloween Captioning Fail

I dunno, maybe that's the way Buzz is gonna look in Toy Story 3.

Michelle Obama channels Catwoman for White House Halloween extravaganza [dailymail]

Thanks to Bill, who's smart enough to recognize Samus when he sees her.

Oct 30 2009 Pass: Microwaved Wii For Sale On eBay

Some guy is a selling a Wii he microwaved on eBay as a piece of art. It is one of the worst pieces of art I have ever seen. Did you hear that? That was Matisse falling out of his wheelchair in heaven.

For $5,998 on eBay, you could purchase a Microwaved Wii, which was "created through the unique art of microwaving by one of the most prominent entertainers and artists on the web."

"Kenny Irwin originals are projected to only increase in value as a collectors items and museums and media take notice of the world renowned art by Kenny Irwin that is unlike anything the world has seen before."

Wow, self promote much? Don't get me wrong, I do a lot of shameless self promotion myself, but that's only cause IF I DIDN'T I DIDN'T I'D THROW MYSELF IN A VOLCANO. *sniiiiiif* God I need a hug. And more airplane glue.

7:00 video of the whole process after the jump. I made it to 2:13.

Continue Reading " Pass: Microwaved Wii For Sale On eBay "

Oct 30 2009 Making Not So Beautiful Music Together

Ever wanted a toilet seat that looks like a guitar? It's not high on my list of priorities either, but if you already have every other thing in the world maybe it's time for one. Jammin' Johns come in guitar and piano varieties and will set you back about $180. They go perfect in music themed bathrooms. Which -- oh God please tell me you don't have a themed bathroom. Unless it's beach themed, those are fine. I love the little shell soaps!

Hit the shot for another guitar and a shot of a piano.

Continue Reading " Making Not So Beautiful Music Together "

Oct 26 2009 What In The...?: Vampire Mouth In A Can

This vampire mouth in a can is actually a male sex toy. It's the completely inappropriate $45 Fleshlight Sex in a Can 'Succu Dry'. Not even kidding, no matter how badly I wish I was. Now I don't really want to go into too many details, but those fangs aren't even functional. Oh, hold on, I'm getting an email.

----- Original Message -----

From: bloodlover3962@hotmail.com
To: The Geekologie Writer
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:21 PM
Subject: Geekologie Tip - Male Sex Toy

Geekologie Writer,

Instead of selling guys on that vampire mouth in can, could you just pass my # along? Thanks champ, love the site.

Edward Cullen

I knew it! Sorry you had to find out this way, ladies.

Have a Happier Halloween with the Fleshlight Succu Dry [gizmodo]

Thanks to Aisha, Closet Nerd, smith, Gable and Root Beer, who don't buy sexy toys, they buy sex tools. I don't even know what that means, but I think it involves at least a 2-stroke motor.

Oct 24 2009 Wow, No: Guy On Craigslist Seeks Amputee For Halloween Costume

Some guy on Craigslist posted an ad seeking a double amputee (no legs) in order to complete his 'Chewbacca carrying a half assembled C-3PO' Halloween costume. In case you can't read the ad above:

So this might seem strange and really offensive to some but hopefully someone will reply. I have always loved the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca has to carry around a half reconstructed C3PO in a backpack because he hasn't reattached his lower body yet. For Halloween I would love to dress up like this. I am big enough and strong enough to both pull off the Chewbacca look and to carry around a lot of weight for the night. So basically I am looking for a double amputee (somebody missing both legs - preferably at the hip) to accompany me as C3PO for the evening. We should probably meet ahead of time so that we can work out the backpack/harness system. There are a few parties that I want to hit and I think we will be the hit of any event we attend. Anyone up for this?

So do you think there's like a special hell for people like this or do they go to the regular one? Because this sounds like a Hell 2 kind of situation to me.

amputee-halloween-costume-craigslist ad [filmdrunk]

Thanks to Coby, Tom, Blastphemer and Spoonman, who don't need human props for their Halloween costumes.

Oct 23 2009 Lies!: Germans Have Broken Speed Of Light

Two German scientists claim to have broken the speed of light. They are liars and should lose their science licenses. What do you mean you don't need a license to practice science? WELL YOU SHOULD!

According to Einstein's special theory of relativity, it would require an infinite amount of energy to propel an object at more than 186,000 miles per second.

However, Dr Gunter Nimtz and Dr Alfons Stahlhofen, of the University of Koblenz, say they may have breached a key tenet of that theory.

The pair say they have conducted an experiment in which microwave photons - energetic packets of light - travelled "instantaneously" between a pair of prisms that had been moved up to 3ft apart.

The scientists were investigating a phenomenon called quantum tunnelling, which allows sub-atomic particles to break apparently unbreakable laws.

Dr Nimtz told New Scientist magazine: "For the time being, this is the only violation of special relativity that I know of."

Yeah, no. Is the universe still here? Then these two crackpots didn't shoot shit faster than the speed of light. And speaking of shooting shit faster than the speed of light: the new Black Jack taco from Taco Bell. Plumber!!

'We have broken speed of light' [telegraph]

Thanks to Allegro, who once ran out for beer and returned before he even left (got hit be a street sweeper and passed out in a ditch for a whole day).

Oct 21 2009 Oh Wow: Illegal Alien Halloween Costume

This is a Illegal Alien Halloween costume that's just been pulled from Target and Amazon. I wouldn't wear it, and not just because masks make it harder to drink.

Many are outraged over an "Illegal Alien" costume that depicts its wearer as a space alien in a prison jumpsuit brandishing a giant "green card." Understandably, those concerned over immigrant rights see this as a swipe at the Hispanic community.

The products official description reads:

"He didn't just cross a border, he crossed a galaxy! He's got his green card, but it's from another planet! Sure to get some laughs, the Illegal Alien Adult Costume includes an orange prison-style jumpsuit with 'Illegal Alien' printed on the front, an alien mask and a 'green card.'"

Listen, I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to push my own political agenda on you folks, so I'm not going to. But I am going to use it to shamelessly self promote and sell some t-shirts. So buy my book and some t-shirts, damnit.*

*Book and t-shirts possibly coming soon. Maybe.

'Illegal Alien' Costume Being Pulled from Some Store Shelves [hispanicbusiness]

Thanks to Alex, who has been a pirate four years running and is going for a fifth. Of rum. HIYO!

Oct 20 2009 Scientists Want to Develop Robotic Cheetah To Chase You Down, Dine On Your Carcass

Because life is progressively becoming a series of nightmares, scientists want to develop a robot that mimics the movement of a cheetah so they can chase us down and maul us to death. Why did I even get out of bed this morning? Oh, right. Well why did I even wake up this morning?

Professor Sangbae Kim designer of the Stickybot and a Robotic designer at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is trying to understand how he can replicate natural animal mechanisms by creating a robot inspired by the cheetah.

The idea is to build a prototype robot from a construction of lightweight carbon-fiber-foam that will then be able to match the cheetah's speed of 70 miles per hour.

Over the next 18 months, Kim and four other MIT graduate students are going to start constructing the prototypes. Starting with a computer model of the robotic cheetah to establish the optimal limb length, weight, gait and torque of the hip and knee joints.

It's an ambitious project. Current wheeled robots are efficient, but can be slow in rough terrains. For instance, iRobot's PackBot, which is used by the U.S. military, can only travel at speeds of up to 5.8 miles per hour.

I'm sure this seemed like a good idea to somebody at some point, but it's not. Like I don't have enough to worry about without a 70 MPH cheetah-bot running around. Also, like four children. And you wonder why daddy drinks in bed all day!

Cheetah Inspired Robot [geekygadgets]

Thanks to Excaliber, who I will use to slice through these bastards like room temperature butter.

Oct 19 2009 Luxury SUVs: Now With Whale Penis Interiors

Italian leather is okay, but you haven't experienced luxury until you've peeled yourself from whale penis leather on a hot day. And now you can thanks to the $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored car! Also, penis leather is fundamentally wrong.

The leather is not the only tacky accessory on the Prombron, which Dartz claims is the world's most expensive SUV.

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world's most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.

Dartz's armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are "rocket grenade-proof" according to the website.

For those wondering just how may whales may need to be harvested to outfit the special edition, the answer is not many. The penis of the Blue Whale, for example, can grow up to 2.4 metres.

Yeah, no. If I catch anybody with one of these you can rest assured I'm stealing your windows, exhaust, instrument panel and vodka. AND I MAY RUB MY FACE ALL OVER YOUR SEATS.

The 4WD with seats made of whale penis [sydneymorningherald]

Thanks to Russell and Dan the man, who both drive unicorn penises.

Oct 4 2009 Don't Tell The Robots!: Blood Powered Lamp

Awesome, a lamp powered by human blood. Because this will end well.

What if, every time you wanted to switch on a light, you had to bleed? Would you think twice before illuminating the room, and in turn, using up energy?

That's the idea behind the blood lamp, invented by Mike Thomspon, an English designer based in The Netherlands. The lamp contains luminol - the same chemical forensic scientists use to check for traces of blood at a crime scence. Luminol reacts with the iron in red blood cells and creates a bright blue glow. To use the lamp, you first need to mix in an activating powder. Then, you break the glass, cut yourself, and drip blood into the opening.

And this, my friends, is how our robotic overlords will read their Kindles at night. And I'll be damned if I become some robot's lamp juice. You hear me?! You will never take my blood! Quick, Edward, bite me! DO IT NOW, NANCY! *swoon* God I love your hair.

Lamp Runs On Human Blood [livescience]

Thanks to Dustin, who has never kissed a vampire (he didn't like).

Sep 25 2009 THERE IS NOTHING OKAY ABOUT THIS

This is a video of the government's latest flying cyborg beetles in action. That's right, ACTUAL LIVE beetles being remotely controlled via implanted electrodes. Just wait till the government gets its hands on you!

"We demonstrated the remote control of insects in free flight via an implantable radioequipped miniature neural stimulating system," the researchers reported in their new paper for Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience. " The pronotum mounted system consisted of neural stimulators, muscular stimulators, a radio transceiver-equipped microcontroller and a microbattery."

The research, supported by the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, is part of a broader effort, called the HI-MEMS program, which has been looking specifically at different approaches to implanting micro-mechanical systems into insects in order to control their movements.

OH HELLLLLL NO. You show me one person who thinks this is okay and I'll show you a got-damn freedom hating communist. Just sayin', I saw that sickle and hammer tattoo!

Video: Pentagon's Cyborg Beetle Takes Flight [wired]

Thanks to Danny, Mycropht, Bo, Mike, Zach, Jason, Peterman and TobyRaider, who already have government chips implanted in their brains that make them irresistible to women. WHERE WAS I ON THAT, THE MAN?!

Sep 22 2009 Idiot Moron Uses 600K Text Messages/Month

Some idiot moron, in an effort to become the world's biggest failure at life, used 662,258 text messages on his iPhone in a month. Plus the jerkbag got the 12,301 page itemized bill sent to him, so he doesn't even care about trees. I did the math, and it comes out to sending a text message just about every 4 seconds, all day every day. So I assume there was some sort of automated program involved. Also, a monster douche.

Hit the jump for two videos of the idiot looking at his bill.

Continue Reading " Idiot Moron Uses 600K Text Messages/Month "

Sep 21 2009 The World's Most Expensive Booze (Bottle)

The world's most expensive booze is (and I did absolutely no fact checking about this) is a bottle of Chambord valued at $3.24 million. That's too much.

Donald Edge has created with French company Chambord a £2 million bottle of their liqueur to celebrate the new stage version of Breakfast at Tiffany's.

The iconic Chambord Royal orb bottle, hand-wrought from 18 carat yellow gold, will be encrusted with the finest round pearls, over 1,100 exquisitely cut round and pear shaped diamonds, and a square cut emerald diamond.

So, how much if I just want the booze (I've got plenty of empty two-liters!)? Cause, at least according to the Virginia ABC website, they're selling 750ml bottles for $35.50. That means I can get 91,267 bottles for the exact same price! And you know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Glug till I die, bitches!

Chambord Bottle Worth $2 Million [luxuo]

Thanks to Fran, who drinks unicorn blood out of a jewel-encrusted goblet because he doesn't know they're an endangered species.

Sep 2 2009 Silent But Violent: Students Made Gas Detector

Two college students went and made a fart detector. Nice one guys, but I can honestly say I never made anything like this in college. ALL I MADE WERE STRAIGHT C's AND LOVE TO WOMEN. Ooooooh!

I'm sure the two Cornell computer engineering students who made it are quite bright, and combining a hydrogen sulfide monitor, a thermometer, a microphone and custom software was impressive.

Um, no. You see, I don't know if you knew this or not but God gave us all our own fart detectors. Take a big whiff. Does it smell like ass? Congratulations, you shat yourself.

Fart detector solves a problem I've never encountered [dvice]

Aug 30 2009 You've Got Mail!: Oldschool Computer Mailbox

Who the hell still rocks those oldschool CRT monitors? You do? Oh, sorry. Truthfully, I still rock a 21-incher myself. HIYO! Anyway, this is a $230 computer mailbox fabricated out of wood and a traditional mailbox so that some punkass teenagers can come bat the shit out of it. I don't recommend them. But I do recommend you paying me $100 to make you a modern flatscreen monitor mailbox. Sure it'll just be an unpainted piece of particleboard with a whole cut in the middle, but what did you expect? Watch your bills just blow away! But not into my yard, I'll call the cops.

Computer Mailbox: You see, grandma? This is how e-mail works [dvice]

Aug 25 2009 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: Two Robots Kissing

Listen, as long as you're human I firmly believe you should be able to kiss and have relations and relationships with whoever you want (provided they feel the same about you). I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow, blue, red, white, clear, striped, dotted, Canadian, from Australia, have food allergies, are bi, straight, gay or super gay, I say go for it. Robots, not so much. Robots should all burn in a fire.

Video: The first (televised) kiss between robots [engadget]

Thanks to Xavier, Mr. Robbot, Peterman, Joe Mamma, 3d, Kenneth and Captain Awesome, who swear they've never tried kissing themselves in the mirror and are all terrible liars.

Aug 25 2009 Never Pick Up After Your Dog Again!

If you don't like picking up after your dog but are cool strapping a plastic bag to its ass, you're in luck. All thanks to the revolutionary Pootrap (I would have gone with Shitbag)!

An amazing new device that picks up after your dog without any hassles. Dog feces is extremely dangerous to people even if you pick it up. A residue is left over and can cause blindness, liver damage and death. The Pootrap solves these problems once and for all.

Are you serious? I mean, are you serious? They should at least be advertising how you don't have to bend over and not sensationalizing how dangerous dog waste is. And to prove a point (don't ask me what), I'm gonna pick up after my dog this afternoon with my bare hand.

Product Site

Thanks to Gargamel, who huffs Smurfs like nobody's business. Because it's not, so stop asking questions.

Aug 10 2009 I'm At A Loss For Words: An LOL Swastika

For once, I'm at a loss for words. But not bullets.

LOL Swastika Tattoo [buzzfeed]

Thanks to stephen, who went all Inglourious Bastards on this guy.