Oct 5 2009 Wait, What?: Fake Virginity Kits For Sale
I don't even know what to say, except this makes me sad about the women in the world who are stoned and fed to dragons if they're not virgins when they're married. And you thought I was a heartless asshole.
No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.
Wow, did I really just read that? Because now I don't feel so good. The $30 kit ships from China and I suspect is manufactured using recycled condoms. Plus, I don't even know what. [Insert something here while I cry and puke at the same time]
Thanks to Michael and The webcam in your monocle, who can't tell the difference between a virgin and a hole in the wall. Literally, no idea.
Sep 21 2009 The World's Most Expensive Booze (Bottle)
The world's most expensive booze is (and I did absolutely no fact checking about this) is a bottle of Chambord valued at $3.24 million. That's too much.
Donald Edge has created with French company Chambord a £2 million bottle of their liqueur to celebrate the new stage version of Breakfast at Tiffany's.
The iconic Chambord Royal orb bottle, hand-wrought from 18 carat yellow gold, will be encrusted with the finest round pearls, over 1,100 exquisitely cut round and pear shaped diamonds, and a square cut emerald diamond.
So, how much if I just want the booze (I've got plenty of empty two-liters!)? Cause, at least according to the Virginia ABC website, they're selling 750ml bottles for $35.50. That means I can get 91,267 bottles for the exact same price! And you know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do. Glug till I die, bitches!
Chambord Bottle Worth $2 Million [luxuo]
Thanks to Fran, who drinks unicorn blood out of a jewel-encrusted goblet because he doesn't know they're an endangered species.
Sep 11 2009 Crimes Against Humanity, Alternatively, Why I Decided To Rob You: A $135K Blu-Ray Player
Nobody should own a $135,000 Goldmund Eidos Reference Blue Blu-ray player. That's the bottom line. I mean, there are children in Africa who don't even have Laserdisc players. So how someone could knowingly spend six figures on a Blu-ray player makes me sick. BLAAAAAAH! There, I hope you're happy now.
This 66-pound behemoth has such beautiful design, we're thinking it would be right at home in an art gallery. But does it make the Blu-ray movies look any better? Only those with golden eyes and ears will know for sure.
Those precision spring-loaded legs, a completely isolated power supply and fancy Goldmund Magnetic Damping drives the price up into the stratosphere, along with that ritzy Goldmund name.
I've never heard of the Goldmund name, so that doesn't mean anything to me. I guess I'm not an audiophile. Although, admittedly, I did experiment with a girl's ear once in college, but it just wasn't my thing (she got an inner-ear infection and dumped me).
Hit the jump for one more shot of the ridiculousness.
Aug 20 2009 Screw The Future(!): Robotic Prostitutes
Robotic hookers folks, robotic hookers. Marinate on that one for a second while I down this zucchini bread. Then, I'll be back to discuss the moral ramifications of banging a robot.
It sounds like science fiction, but robot bar staff, hotel rooms that change colour, cruise ships as big as aircraft carriers and even robot sex are part of the future for travellers, a tourism conference has been told.
Even robot "prostitutes" that would not pass on diseases such as HIV could make an appearance..."But you're talking about extreme futures."
First of all, no. Secondly, I would rather jam my penis in an electrical outlet (and have before -- now it can shoot lightning) than have sex with a robot. And thirdly, this certainly brings to meaning to the phrase 'sex machine', doesn't it? No? Well what about robo-hos?
Robot prostitutes tipped to tempt future tourists [theindependent]
Thanks to Caroline, who once pulled the old quarter-on-a-string trick and managed to score free services.
May 28 2009 The Worst And Saddest Of Yahoo! Answers
Okay, this one is actually legit, but everything after the jump isn't. They're the kind of questions that make you want to bathe with a toaster (or SPOILER ALERT: poisonous jellyfish). I assume some of them are fake, but I sadly guarantee a good portion are serious. And, well, *pouring out a little liquor* it's been real, humanity.
Hit it for a dozen or so of the worst questions ever asked.
Continue Reading " The Worst And Saddest Of Yahoo! Answers "
May 5 2009 Spike Chair Is Ultra-Scary, Not Worth The Risk
You see that chair? Yeah, well imagine it with no glass seat and being lowered upon its spike with ropes. Did that just make your ass cry big brown tears of sadness? Because it should have. Known as the Judas Chair, the stool was used as a torture device back in the day (possibly by the Spanish Inquisition). Thank God we live in a tortureless society now, huh? Wait, what? Shit. :/
This take on the old classic was created by Russian designer Ton Guglya. Wow, I think I can safely say I'd rather stand. And this coming from a guy who once shared an overturned bar stool with three friends. Just sayin' -- reduce, reuse, recycle. Go green!
Stake Chair Makes My Delicate Parts Quiver in Terror [gizmodo]
Apr 7 2009 GM And Segway Making P.U.M.A. 'Car', Looks Suspiciously Like A Motorized Wheelchair
General Motors and Segway have teamed up to produce what might very well be a slightly modified Hoveround. It's self-balancing like a Segway, but with the style and quality you've come to expect from GM. And as you can see, they do come with the Gob Bluth seal of excitement.
The self-balancing Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility Project (P.U.M.A.) can reach top speeds of 35 MPH, has a lithium battery that lasts up to 35 miles with a single charge, and features vehicle-to-vehicle (V2V) communication for potentially reducing the number of accidents. No word on when or if this'll actually go into production but it's expected to be priced at just 25% that of a regular automobile.
Wow, that is one vehicle (in addition to a seatless bicycle) I can safely say I have absolutely no interest in driving. My God -- could you imagine getting T-boned in that thing? *BOOM* Porterhoused!
GM and Segway's P.U.M.A. unveiled and no, this isn't a joke [engadget]
Thanks to Julian, who successfully rode a Segway down a flight of stairs but then got hit by a bicycle messenger at the bottom and lost a tooth. It was never found.
Feb 4 2009 Klingon Robs 7-11 With Traditional Sword
Klingons: they can't be trusted. Proof positive: some mountain-head has been running around Colorado Springs robbing 7-11's with a BetleH, the traditional Klingon sword.
The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white male in his 20s, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans and wearing a black mask, entered the store with a sword.
A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N Union Blvd, where a male matching the previous description entered the store with a sword. He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk did not give him any money and the suspect left the store on foot.Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon type sword, called a "BetleH."
Haha, and that highschool guidance counselor said you couldn't land a job based on extensive Star Trek knowledge. Screw you, Ms. Bench, who's laughing now?!
Man Robs Convenience Stores With Klingon Sword [thedenverchannel]
Thanks to Hector, who once robbed an Exxon station with one of their own pump handles.
Jan 29 2009 No, Nuh-Uh, No Way: The Robo-Urinal
Allegedly this robo-urinal holds your junk while you pee. For once in my life I'm really praying it's a Photoshop job or some really sick art project. You know the rule about having at least a urinal of separation between you and another dude in the bathroom? Well there are not enough urinals in the world to safely separate you from this thing. I wouldn't even feel safe pissing in the women's room sink.
Oh Hell No [tinypic]
Thanks to NinjaMuffin, who can melt enemies like butter on his top.
Sep 22 2008 I Just Pray To God She's Joking
Mark my words: I'm never, ever, driving again.
The Dumbest Woman On The Highway [break]
Thanks to Calypso, who's seen a tow-truck before.
Jul 11 2008 OMG, OMG, WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW!!!
This is a video of a guy lying down on a motorcycle and text messaging, all while cruising down the highway in New Delhi, India. No way? Yes way! And also, holy shit!
Have a great weekend everybody.
Thanks to Lockjaw and Julian for showing me the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
