Nov 18 2009 Ninja Fail: Overconfident (And Drunk) Ninja Attempts Fence Jump, Ends Up Impaled

A drunk and overzealous ninja, who may be the guy in this picture but was probably the kid in this video, attempted jumping over a fence in Seattle, Washington, only to impale himself on a pole. I knew about buttpirates, but who knew there were buttninjas too?! You're no drunken master!

Seattle police say a man who thought he was ninja was impaled on a metal fence when he tried to leap over it. An officer who was looking for an assault victim nearby Monday night heard the man screaming for help. Police supported him to prevent further injuries until medics arrived and took him to a hospital, where he was in serious condition in intensive care on Tuesday.

Police spokeswoman Renee Witt wrote in a department Web site posting that officers thought the man might have been involved in the reported assault, but he insisted he was just a ninja trying to clear a 4- to 5-foot-tall fence.

Witt says the man was "overconfident in his abilities," and that alcohol likely played a role.

Listen, as a public service to you Geekologie Readers that think you might be ninjas, I've got news for you: you're not. You don't wear Velcro shoes so you can be ready to strike at a moment's notice, you wear Velcro shoes because you never learned to tie regular ones. And the katana set you bought at the kiosk at the mall? You've cut yourself playing Ninja Turtles, haven't you? The prosecution rests.

Police: Would-be Seattle
ninja impaled on fence [googlenews]

Thanks to Michelle loves ninjas drunk or otherwise, Rachel, Justin, Fluffy Frontstein, wes, Sally and Lizze, who actually are trained killers and could have easily cleared that fence.

Oct 22 2009 I'm A Ninja, I Can Do That: Crazy Trampolining

This is a video of Oli Lemieux doing some wild ass trampolining plus wall walking and other ninja-y stuff while practicing for a Cirque du Soleil show. It's pretty cool but I could do it all twice as good but I would never film it because I'm modest. Also, the most handsome man on the planet.

Youtube

Thanks to The Gurr, MoD, Asbo and Jennie, who once jumped so high on a trampoline they showed up on radar and the government shot missiles at them.

Oct 12 2009 BEEP BOOP Arrrr!!: Transformer Pirate Shirts

These Piratron shirts come in Autopirate and Deceptipirate models and are perfect for showing your support for both high seas plundering AND vehicles that turn into talking robots at the same time. Each shirt will set you back a cool $20, and I recommend getting one of each just in case, well, I don't know why. Just do it. No I don't profit from these. But seriously, you can't have enough. Buy like thirty. Million. DO IT NOW!

Product Site

Thanks to tim, who agrees that in the battle of pirates vs. robots, the ninjas will prevail.

Sep 21 2009 Not For Airline Travel: Ninja Kunai USB Drive

A dangerously metal USB drive shaped like a ninja knife, it just makes sense. The 2GB Ninja Kunai drives cost $125 and are in no way, shape or form safe for airplane travel. Or train. Now that I think about it, I wouldn't even drive anywhere with one. Because I used to keep a little pen knife on my keychain and now I push the gas with a peg. Which brings me to an important point: Pirate for hire. Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, I do bachelor parties.

Ninja Kunai USB Drive: the tech equivalent of getting a foreign language tattoo [engadget]

Thanks to Harrison, who once stabbed a foe with a traditional USB drive and lost all his data.

Sep 10 2009 New Bouncy Feature In Ninja Gaiden Σ II

Apparently by shaking your PS3 controller while playing the upcoming Ninja Gaiden Sigma II you can make your characters boobs bounce around all crazylike (which helps explains THIS advertisement). Also, I'm more than a little disappointed we didn't have this feature for the original NES. I'm looking at you, Princess Toadstool circa Super Mario 2. You too, Mario.

See Ninja Gaiden Sigma II Boob Bouncing In Action [kotaku]

Thanks to Pedro, who makes boobs bounce the old fashioned way: with a Ping Pong paddle.

Jul 31 2009 Take Note: This Is How You Sell Video Games

In some of the best marketing I've seen in my entire life (and yours too), the makers of Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 went and attached some fake plaster boobs to a wall. I just pre-ordered like 80 copies and I don't even own a television or video game console.

The plaster mammaries assumedly belong to Sigma 2's Ayane or Momiji -- both are playable in this iteration of the game (the text which appears at the end of the video actually says "a female ninja appears")

The video consists of a bunch of people walking by and touching the breasts, which, be honest, you would have too. There's no shame in my game -- I totally would have. Then I'd have come back that night with a chisel AND MAKE THEM MINE.

Bizarre Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 marketing features wall molestation [joystiq]

Thanks to Richard, who could sell safety matches to the devil.

Jul 30 2009 Jacket Assassins: Ninja Star Coat Hooks

Does Ninja Boy hang his denim jacket on ninja star coat hooks? You bet your socially awkward katana he does! These Ninja Coat Hooks from Spinning Hat designs are coat hooks made to look like ninja stars. Hi-ya? HI-YA!

The Ninja Coat Hooks will transform your hallway into the scene of a Shanghai back street stand-off. Each metal Ninja Coat Hook has one corner cleverly engineered into a screw, which allows you to fix securely to your wall or door, whilst making it look like it has been hurled from the hands of a deadly Ninjitsu assassin.

Each star will set you back around $13. Alternatively, I'll drive you to the mall and we can go the kiosk that sells ninja swords and body jewelry and pick up a pack of real ones. Afterwards, we'll head over to Hot Topic for novelty t-shirts and then to the food court to wash it all down with an Orange Julius. High five!

Product Site

Jun 6 2009 Ninja Boy Could Use A Few More Lessons

This is ninja boy (think Star Wars boy yet somehow remarkably sadder) filming himself out in the wilderness (read: the local park) pulling off some Rad to the power of Unhealthy ninja moves. It's seven minutes long and BY NO MEANS should you piss away an entire seven minutes of your life watching it all (I did). But he does spice up his maneuvers, so you will want to skip around. And, for as much fun as I want to make of the poor bastard, he could probably kick my ass if I didn't have laser blasters for eyes. But I do. Suck it, ninjard!

Ninja Nerd [liveleak]

Thanks to MoD, who could out-ninja like thirty ninja cats.

Apr 10 2009 Woman Tries To Break Up Sword Fight, Dies

In the latest of a string of sword attacks, a woman tried to break up her husband and grandson involved in a serious swordfight, and ended up getting stabbed and killed. And that, my friends, is why you always bring a gun to a swordfight.

The fight was reported about 1 a.m. today. Rondeau (39) and Adolf Stegbauer, 69, both of Indianapolis, were "actively involved in a sword fight," IMPD spokesman Sgt. Matt Mount said in a statement. One man used what police described as a World War II Japanese officer's sword and another had a thin blade sword, although investigators were not immediately certain which weapon was used by which man.

Preliminary reports from police said that Franziska Stegbauer, 77, Indianapolis, tried to break up the fight and was fatally stabbed. Police found all three victims inside the residence on Raceway Road when they arrived early this morning.

Police said Rondeau was Franziska Stegbauer's grandson.

Well Happy Easter to you too! Thankfully, tipster Chuck Nunchuck was kind enough to create a graphic of what the confrontation obviously looked like, so that was nice. Good lookin', Chuck, but it could have used some more PEW PEW. Love that stuff.

Woman dies after intervening in sword fight [indystar]

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck, twice as deadly as that sissy-boy Chuck Norris.

Apr 7 2009 But He Was Just Here: More Urban Camo

Urban camouflage is an ever growing fashion trend as more and more crazy people seem to be out to get you for no particular reason besides being batshit insane. Also, stalking. That's a problem too. Quick, look outside -- I am in your bushes! Can you see me? Sucker -- stalkers can use camo too! Now, look at the second bush to the right. Other way -- your right. You see me waving a stick? Made you look -- that's my penis! Honestly, what do you think?

Hit the jump for five more worthwhile ways to hide in plain sight.

Continue Reading " But He Was Just Here: More Urban Camo "

Mar 20 2009 He's So Cute!: Ninja Cat Part Two Three

Remember ninja cat? How could you forget, that furry little bastard was cute, cute, cute! And how about ninja cat two? That one was a scrumptious little muffin-top too! And now, ninja cat 3! Oh, and I love the sound the guy makes in the end. Sounds like....victory.

Ninja Kitteh Part 2! [icanhascheezburger]

Thanks to Amanda and Jared, who once battled ninja cats for 14 hours straight before admitting defeat.

Mar 9 2009 Kangaroo Broke Into Home, Mistaken For Ninja

A kangroo recently broke into the home of Beat Ettlin while he and his family were sleeping. He mistook the kangaroo for a ninja and began to pummel the 90lb beast.

The 42-year-old told Sky News Online: "I just saw this black thing. I thought it was a lunatic ninja, an intruder. It just fell on top of us on the bed.

Finally, Beat was able to subdue the kangaroo in his son's room, and kick the leggy bastard out the door.

"When I got in there, it was against the wall by the window, trying to get out I think so I just jumped on top of it. I got him in a headlock and pressed him to the ground.

"I had to open the door with one hand, pressing the kangaroo to the wall with the other hand. Finally, the door opened and I could actually release it.

Good looking. Of course, how could you not kick a kangaroo out of your house with a name like Beat? That would be like being named POW and getting your ass kicked by a koala that broke in through the attic.

Oz Dad Fights Off 'Lunatic Ninja' Kangaroo [skynews]

Thanks to Alex, Jazzy 8 Ball, and Victoria, who have all punched ninja-roos in the pouch and lived to tell about it.

Mar 9 2009 You're A Real Ninja Now: The Belt Sword

The Belt Sword is a questionable sword hidden within a belt. It was created to make dorks feel safe even though in a real-life situation they'd either forget they were wearing the thing or stab themselves trying to get it out. Also, they look suspiciously like aluminum-foil wrapped cardboard. The belt with 24" and 27" swords costs $150. $210 if you want five swords (24", 27", 29", 31", and 33"). Sorry folks, but I'm not interested. No, unlatching my buckle releases another, much more powerful weapon. Obviously, I'm talking about a flying dragon. *unbuckling* KA-P....uh-oh. Looks like the proverbial chicken has flown the coop. And, oh God -- taken off with the eggs.

Hit the jump to see more of this chick, along with a picture of the system and links to the product page and video demonstrations.

Continue Reading " You're A Real Ninja Now: The Belt Sword "

Feb 5 2009 Get Your Stalk On With Google Maps Latitude

Want to know exactly where your "friends" are at all times? Well now you can, thanks to a Google Maps Mobile (and desktop) feature called Latitude. All you have to do is ask to borrow your "friend's" phone briefly, accept the invitation you discreetly send from your own, and presto: access their GPS coordinates at all times (note: stalkee must have a GPS enabled phone)! Simple as that. Not that I actually did that or anything. Ha, no that's not me in the bushes outside. Pfft, you think there's only one person in the whole world with a "GEEKOLOGIE WRITER" t-shirt? Get real. But seriously, isn't it time for you to slip into something a little more comfortable?

Google Maps Mobile Offer Latitude Feature [ubergizmo]

Thanks to Herb, who I strangely keep running into.

Jan 20 2009 Ninja Cat Will Kill You In Your Sleep, Lick Itself

Remember the first ninja cat? That was one stealthy bastard, was he not? He was. Well here comes another feline with killer instincts, this one demonstrating a technique for climbing stairs without detection. Now I'm not saying I wish my cats were more ninja-like, but I do wish they'd learn that just because their two front paws are in the litter box, doesn't mean they're pissing in it.

Youtube

Thanks to Amanda, who had to scold her cat for throwing shurikens at the dog.

Dec 30 2008 Using The Force: Lightsaber Nunchucks

Nice try buddy, but you're no Star Wars kid.

Youtube

Thanks to Andy, who once beat Bruce Lee at nunchuck ping pong.

Dec 18 2008 Science!: The Periodic Table Of Awesoments

Unfortunately, it probably doesn't look that awesome since you can't read any of it. So click HERE to see the whole thing and all the awesoments that make the world cool.

In 300 B.C., years before the birth of black Jesus, Aristole postulated that all good things were made of "win." That was a pretty good guess, but he was drunk and probably also having an orgy. Modern day awesominers know there are actually 118 fundamental "awesoments" that compose all good things. The Periodic table of Awesoments can be a very useful tool. It's designed to show the relationships between awesoments, and often one can even predict how awesoments interact simply by their positions on the table.

Awesome. Although I question the awesoments in the traditional 'noble gas' section (ninja, sniper, vampire, wizard, etc.). I would argue that those particular awesoments are, in fact, highly reactive and not as tame as their position in the table suggests. Am I right? Example: "Hey ninja -- I banged your vampire mom last night. Yeah, she made me slap her ass with garlic nunchucks the whole time. Then your assassin dad walked in on us so i put my wizard robe and hat on and did him too. Then I had a sniper buddy take him out. Haha, your Jedi mind-tricks don't work on me. Now let's throw some clay on the potter's wheel and get all ghost-y." Seriously folks, you see how reactive that shit was?

The Periodic Table of Awesoments [dapperstache]

Thanks to Bryan, who I was surprised to see absent from the table.

Nov 27 2008 Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pongs With Nunchucks

This is an ad for a special Bruce Lee edition Nokia N96. It's an oldschool looking video of Bruce Lee playing ping-pong with nunchucks. It's obviously real because Bruce Lee learned martial arts from God himself and once got a chick pregnant with a single karate chop. Nine months later, you were born. Feliz cumpleaños!

Hit the jump for another ad of Bruce lighting matches with the chucks.

Continue Reading " Bruce Lee Plays Ping Pongs With Nunchucks "

Nov 11 2008 WTF?: Toyota Corolla Ninja Cat Commercial

This is allegedly a television ad for the new Toyota Corolla. It has a bunch of weird ninja cats in it and doesn't make an ATM lick of sense. And then, to make matters worse, one of the ninja cats steals a car at the end. Now what is this teaching the nation's cat population? Whatever it is, it can't be -- WHISKERS, NO! AWAY FROM THE....*tires squealing* Goddamnit, thanks a lot Toyota.

Youtube

Thanks to Jaybone the Hispanic Dude from Greenpoint who may or may not be a ninja cat simply going by Jaybone the Hispanic Dude from Greenpoint.

Oct 14 2008 Blacker Than Black: The Darkest Material

Researchers have recently made a material so dark it absorbs 99.9% of light, the closest yet to a "pure" black.

The substance has a total reflective index of 0.045 percent -- which is more than three times darker than the nickel-phosphorous alloy that now holds the record as the world's darkest material.

Basic black paint, by comparison, has a reflective index of 5 percent to 10 percent.

Ninjas and emos rejoice!

New material pushes the boundary of blackness [reuters]

Thanks to bob, who wrote the joke so I didn't have to. Check's in the mail!