Sep 28 2009 Not Just For Vampires: Blood Energy Drink

Blood Energy Potion is a $6 energy drink (availableJanuary 2010) that was made to look -- and have the same nutritional value -- of real blood. That's pretty gross.

"The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency of blood. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! The re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch provides the convenient delivery of fluids for vampires and humans alike! Contains no real blood, just synthetic! "

Pfft, forget synthetic blood. I drink the real deal. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MY FALLEN ENEMIES?! Say, none of you had AIDS, right?

Product Site
via
Blood Energy Drink [likecool]

Thanks to Ste, who is holding out for a bile energy drink. HORF.

Sep 23 2009 You've Got To Be Kidding Me: Laptop Burka

Hot on the heel's of last year's highly lucrative Laptop Poncho comes this Laptop Burka. What is a Laptop Burka? A $17 sheet you put over your head while computing outdoors to prevent sun glare.

The new Laptop Burka lets you work and play on your laptop without the glare of sunlight or stares from uninvited strangers. Laptop Burka lets you work or watch movies in your own portable private space, and its made from high-quality, breathable, lightweight fabric. Take it anywhere, anytime. No more eye straining or battery draining from glare. Take your Laptop Burka to the pool ... the patio ... the park ... ANYWHERE!!

Just look at the guy in the picture. Do you really want to be that guy? If you answered, "damn yeah!", high five -- so do I! I just wish they came in pink :(

Product Site
via
'Laptop Burka' may be the most useless product ever [dvice]

Sep 9 2009 Steel Velcro: Because Plastic Is For Sissies

This new steel velcro can support up to 35 tons of pressure and looks ultra-badass. So badass I want a belt made out of it. Yeah, and a headband. Wait, is this stainless steel? Cause I can't have no rust juice dripping in my eyes!

Developed by German engineers, this new version of Velcro is dubbed Metaklett, and it can support 35 tons at temperatures up to 1472 degrees. It's made from "perforated steel strips 0.2 millimetres thick, one kind bristling with springy steel brushes and the other sporting jagged spikes."

I have no idea what sort of industrial uses they have planned for this shit, but that's not important. What IS important is this: Velco is actually a name brand. The generic term for this type of closure is 'hook-and-loop fastener'. If you already knew that, congratulations. If not, I hope I just wasted some space behind your face! I'm talking about in your brain.

Thank you for being a friend

Travel down the road and back again
your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant
And if you threw a party,
Invited everyone you knew,
You would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say,
Thank you for being a friend.

Haha, I'm just messing with you now.

Steel velcro can support up to 35 tons [dvice]

Aug 30 2009 Dual Screen Laptops Here Before Christmas (You Hear That, Santa? You Fat Bastard You)

So apparently the dual 15.4" screened gGscreen Spacebook will be released in time for Christmas this year. Also, the elves I've been holding hostage. BUT ONLY IF SANTA MEETS MY DEMANDS.

The Alaska based company, started by Gordon Stewart (yep, that is where the G in gScreen comes from), is aiming its dual screen laptops at professional designers, filmmakers, photographers and really anyone who can't live without a dual screen for everyday productivity...The chassis (which we expect is at least 12 pounds) is built around the 15.4 inch screen (though the first units that come to market will have 16-inch or 17-inch screens) and its twin, identically sized screen slides out from behind the first using a uniquely designed sliding mechanism.

They will run Windows 7 and be powered by Intel Core 2 Duo processors, 4GB of RAM and high-end Nvidia GF900M GT discrete graphics. The plan is for fast 7,200 RPM hard drives and six or nine-cell batteries...."It is absolutely the opposite of a netbook," he told us. Yea that is no kidding with a price tag that he is hoping to keep under $3,000.

Damn! 30" of screen real estate, that's a lot. This thing isn't even a laptop any more. It's a muffintop. ZING!

GScreen's Dual-Screen Spacebook Coming Soon(ish) [gizmodo]

Thanks to Melissa, Mark and Mike, whose names all begin with the letter M. What? I NOTICE THESE THINGS! Did you get your hair cut? All of them, good one.

Aug 27 2009 Stripteas Teabags Aren't What You Think

Unless you thought they were teabags that cling to the side of your teacup via paper stripper, in which case, congratulations, you were correct. Unfortunately, unlike those novelty pens that showcase a naked women when you turn them upside down, you don't get to see any privates. Which is actually fine with me CAUSE I DON'T WANT NO MAN'S JUNK IN MY TEA ANYWAYS. Except you, Earl Grey.

Super sexy tea bags [newlaunches]

Thanks to Tim and sergei, who never miss tea time because they like to put on their big hats and be dainty.

Jul 17 2009 Cell Phone Lighter: For All Your Cancer Needs

The SB6309 Lighter Phone isn't just the best named cellphone ever, it's also the first with a functional cigarette lighter. Brain AND lung cancers in one fell swoop! But seriously, mind if I do a J?

instruction

SB6309 The world's first mobile phone with lighter!
Patent product Gold cigarette lighter
Defend wind,
No gas,
Never blew out
Suit for high altitude areas

Well technically, those weren't instructions. They were, however, convincing. That's right -- you're looking at the first U.S. authorized dealer! Haha, now my garage is on fire.

Lighter phone may be the most dangerous cellphone ever [dvice]

Thanks to FDSY, who once went to a strip club where the strippers dipped their nipples in wax and you were allowed to light your cigarettes off them.

Jul 13 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Split-Ring-Key

Sometimes it's the simplest things that are best. Like a bacon sandwich on a crisp morning or tricking a dinosaur into thinking another meteor is coming so you can bed it that night. And then there's this keyring. Which is both key AND keyring. What will they think of next?!?

Carry your keys on your other key. Real working key blank. Key blank can be cut by any key cutter to fit KW1 or SC1 keyways.

You can get a 2-pack for $7, which, according to my calculations, makes a 4-pack about $18. What? I NEVER LEARNED THE MATHS, OKAY? But you know what -- YOU DON'T NEED ALGEOMETRY TO KNOW HOW TO BLOG! Or any skills really. Just a drinking problem.

Split Ring Key [amronexperimental]

Thanks to Scott, who actually invented the thing. Nice, now how about a door that is both door AND knob. Oh I'm sorry, did I just blow everybody's minds?

Jun 8 2009 Apple's Worldwide Developer's Conference: New iPhone 3GS And Some Other Stuff

Well folks, Apple just wrapped up its Worldwide Developer's Conference in San Francisco, and, (no) surprise!: a new iPhone (and software update) available June 19th. Also, a couple new laptops and a new OS, Snow Leopard (I hope nobody got paid for that). Anyway, the highlights of the new iPhone are as follows:

• Improved performance
• 3-megapixel autofocus camera
• Video recording
• Voice Control
• Digital compass
• Cut, Copy & Paste
• MMS
• Spotlight Search
• Landscape keyboard
• Voice Memos

Wonderful. Especially considering I dropped mine face down on the driveway two days AND THEN STEPPED ON IT AND SKIDDED IT ACROSS THE concrete. Luckily, it didn't break, it just got scratched all to hell. Don't believe me? Hold on, I'll take a picture.

Okay, so you can't take a picture OF your iPhone WITH your iPhone (without using mirrors the way you'd look at your own ass in the bathroom).

Hit the jump for a picture of my wallpaper instead and a visual comparison of the new iPhone and old iPhone.

Continue Reading " Apple's Worldwide Developer's Conference: New iPhone 3GS And Some Other Stuff "

May 27 2009 It's About Time: A Quality Zombie Jello Mold

Tired of trying to make zombie Jello molds out of aluminum foil? Well crinkle no more my friends, ThinkGeek is finally selling a quality zombie mold! It costs $15 and isn't dishwasher safe, but don't let that stop you from putting it in there anyway! You just tell that Maytag piece of shit the Geekologie Writer told you to! I'll tell you what though -- the results look delicious, don't they? I know what I'm getting my son for his birthday -- a new mommy!

Hit the jump for one more shot which, despite adjusting the brightness and contrast, I couldn't make any more cleavage-y. Buy hey, I tried. Remember: I'm here for you.

Continue Reading " It's About Time: A Quality Zombie Jello Mold "

May 24 2009 Fun: Mind-Control Game Coming This Fall

Mattel's much anticipated Mindflex game is allegedly dropping this October for $100. For those of you who think like I do, that's 3 lapdances at a reasonable strip club, or almost 12 at the ones I go to.

It's not often that a Mattel toy targets the 18 - 128 demographic, but we'll be frank -- the Mindflex has us all sorts of intrigued. Originally introduced at this year's CES, said game is a brain-powered fun-fest that relies on intense mental activity to control the height of a ball suspended in a column of air.

It sounds similar to that Star Wars toy coming out, but way more involved. I want one. And not just because I've been honing by ball controlling mind skills for years but *concentrating* did you see that? Look again. Now the left one's lower!

Product Site
via
Mattel's Mindflex coming October 1st for $99.99 [engadget]

May 19 2009 More Than Meets The Eye: Transformer USB Drive Is Awesomest I've Seen In A While

What do you buy for the man who has nothing? While you ponder that nugget of vast intellectuality, I'll tell you about this 2GB Transformer memory stick (which is way better than these ones). Probably the awesomest USB drive I've seen in forever, the unit transforms from a normal looking USB ding-dongle into Ravage, a fierce jungle cat Decepticon (which some believe to be a dog, WHICH HE IS NOT YOU WILL NOT RUIN MY CHILDHOOD). Available fro pre-order from the BigBadToyStore, this piece of badassery will set you back $43 and ships in September. But the question remains: shouldn't you avoid trusting a Decepticon with your porno?*

*Does Optimus Prime piss transmission fluid and wipe his ass with corrugated steel?**

**Bumblebee says so!

Product Page
via
Transforming Ravage Flash Drive [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Tank and Julian, who once convinced a Decepticon it was human and then broke its heart with a backhoe.

May 7 2009 Lose Weight, Somehow: The Boneless Belt

The Boneless Belt is a Japanese weight loss product that's supposed to help you shed the pounds. From the look of things, I'm gonna guess it's far less effective than exercise or tying a dry cleaning bag over your head. But hey, different strokes for different folks gullible idiots.

In effect, the structure of the rubber belt is a large mesh grid that splits the dieter's belly, side and back fat into easily manageable blobs. This allows for increased metabolic consumption of calories and raises the propensity for increased blood flow values. More blood flow = more heat = more burning of fat.

Wow, that was really convincing. And by really convincing I mean I want to pop that shit like a sheet of bubble wrap! *SNAP POP BANG*

Boneless Belt Separates Your Fat Into Small Segments, Shames You [gizmodo]

May 6 2009 Say Bye To Dromedary Digit!: The Cuchini

The Cuchini is a real product made by the two women in the picture (Kelly and Christy, NOT the camel-woman) and helps prevents undesired camel toe.

The Cuchini is a comfortable, light-weight material that adheres to any undergarment (panties, bikini, sports attire, etc). It smoothes the ridges of a woman's mons pubis area providing a smooth and camouflaged appearance. This eliminates what is commonly known as "Camel Toe."

The Cuchini sells in a pack of 2 for $15, but if you're cheap, you could probably just use a shoe horn. Personally, I don't see what's wrong with a little camel toe. Hell, or even some moose knuckle. But when you start talking mammoth knee, well....I like that too!

Product Site

Thanks to Laylia and Elroy, who almost got spit on by a camel at the petting zoo. And to Where The Hell Is My Camera Charger?, whose parents must really hate him.

Apr 27 2009 Real Sugar: Mountain Dew 'Throwback'

Just for the summer (unless they're hugely popular) Pepsi is producing Mountain Dew and Pepsi 'Throwback', which both contain natural sugar instead of that high fructose maize (I'm part Cherokee) syrup bullshit.

The first thing I noticed was how smooth the carbonated soda went down. It's not nearly as harsh as the standard type and I'm sure peeps who aren't avid Mountain Dew drinkers will appreciate the difference.

Also, the aftertaste. It's more natural and clean. Hell, even my burps taste different. I LOVE IT.

Different tasting burps, now that's a selling point. It's like how Maker's Mark makes my vomit taste different. Mmmm. Unfortunately, Dew Throwback contains thrice the Yellow #5 as regular Mountain Dew, so you 'Throwback' fanatics can kiss your penises goodbye.

Review: Mountain Dew Throwback [crunchgear]

Thanks to Octopus Pie, who hates high fructose corn syrup almost as much as low fructose corn syrup.

Apr 11 2009 Robot Suit Going Into Production For $4,200

Well folks, it's happening. The HAL (Hybrid Assistive Limb) robot suit is going into mass production and will be available in Japan sometime soon for around $4,200.

This is great news for HAL's target market: Its ability to grant its wearer tenfold strength increases during specific actions could change the lives of people with degenerative muscle diseases, or accident victims who would otherwise need long, difficult rehabilitative therapy to regain basic mobility. And with a five-hour battery life, it could be quite practical for day to day use.

Thanks, but no thanks. I don't care if I was just a head, I would never ask a robot for help. But that's just me and my genius brain talking. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who would gladly use a HAL suit to better their quality of life. And those people -- those people are the enemy.

Video after the jump, just for the HAL of it.

Continue Reading " Robot Suit Going Into Production For $4,200 "

Apr 3 2009 Tuantaun Sleeping Bag Becoming Reality?

As you may recall, ThinkGeek cruelly offered a tauntaun sleeping bag as an April Fool's joke, just to break your heart. Well, because of the overwhelming demand for such a product, Thinkgeek has decided to look into actually having them made.

ATTN Tauntaun Fanatics!

Due to an overwhelming tsunami of requests from YOU THE PEOPLE, we have decided to TRY and bring this to life. We have no clue if the suits at Lucasfilms will grant little ThinkGeek a license, nor do we know how much it would ultimately retail for. But if you are interested in ever owning one of these, click the link below and we'll try!

If you go to the product site you can click on the link that says 'Email me IF available' to be notified if they actually get made. But one thing's for sure: if they're getting made, I'm getting laid (in one). Ever made love inside a tauntaun? It's warm. And squishy.

Product Site

Thanks to roflbot (who I may still kill despite the tip) and Allison, whose tauntauns could easily make to the second marker before freezing.

Apr 2 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Bacon Lube

That's right folks, bacon lube. Goes perfect when your lady (or man) is wearing a bacon bra and you're scarfing a meat-ship in bed (double entendre, count it!). Ah, heaven.

As many of you know, we're huge bacon lovers here at J&D's. We now make Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and Bacon Lip Balm. That last one seemed like a stretch at first, but now that bacon has successfully made the jump from food to personal care, we're pushing it even further.

With that said, we're happy to introduce our newest product, baconlube™. It's not for sale yet, but we're looking for early product testers to put our "Everything should taste like bacon" tagline to the test. Please email us at keepitsizzlin@baconsalt.com to get on our beta tester list.

My God that sounds delicious. From fish to bacon in just a few drops. I'm really hoping this wasn't an April Fools joke either, because that would just be cruel. I went ahead and added myself to the beta tester list and haven't gotten an email back yet calling me an idiot, so that's a good sign. Now, ladies, what do you say: me, you, some Baconlube? Haha, did I just describe your wildest fantasy? Well tell me -- in your fantasy did you make me a BLT afterwards? Because that's a must.

Product Site

Thanks to Erik, bob, Julian, Lyles and Joseph, who pre-ordered a case and are gonna try to raise money for more bacon with a baconlube bikini wrestling exhibition.

Mar 11 2009 New iPod Shuffle Speaks, Lacks Wheel

The new iPod Shuffle's capacity has been doubled to 4GB, and now the minuscule music player doesn't have a control wheel. But how will you ever reign over your music? Simple -- with controls on the earbud cord. WHEE!

The new design keeps the clip and adds VoiceOver -- a new feature that gets around the lack of display by telling you which song is playing and who performs it at the touch of a button on the earbud cable. It'll also call out your playlists and let you navigate to others. Available in black or silver for $80 and your claim to what Apple calls the "world's smallest music player."

World's smallest music player my ass. I happen to own the world's smallest music player. It's a violin. *rubbing fingers together* Can you hear that? It's the REAL world's smallest music player playing "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath. Bitchin'!

Five minute promotional video about the new Shuffle after the jump.

Continue Reading " New iPod Shuffle Speaks, Lacks Wheel "

Mar 6 2009 Real Product Review Coming!: Clarion MiND

That's right folks, a real, honest-to-God product review from yours truly. It should be up in the next couple of days and will cover the Clarion MiND (Mobile Internet Navigation Device). Per the manufacturer:

Combining personal GPS navigation and real-time Points of Interest (POI) with Internet based entertainment and full web browsing, the easily portable and pocketable Clarion MiND Mobile Internet Navigation Device provides rich GPS navigation with full PC-like Internet browsing capabilities thanks to its 4.8-inch, 800 x 480-pixel touchscreen. You can connect to the Internet via Wi-Fi at home, in the office or via hotspots out and about in the city. The ClarionMiND also allows for Internet connectivity via Bluetooth when paired with a mobile phone.

Expect pictures of my hands, and, if you're lucky, maybe even some of my car's dash! Now, is there anything in particular you want to know before I punch in the address of the nearest liquor store and massage parlor? Ask away, then stay tuned for the lowdown. Oh, and if anyone asks, I'm totally not driving without a license.

Hit the jump for some wack-ass commercial for the thing.

Continue Reading " Real Product Review Coming!: Clarion MiND "

Mar 6 2009 FAKE!: Magnetic Photoshop Picture Boards

From meninos, the same company that's bringing us tampon flash drives, comes some Photoshop/Illustrator picture boards. They're basically magnetic whiteboards that come with magnet sets that look like the various Photoshop/Illustrator toolboxes. The toolbox magnets for either program will set you back $25, $65 with a 20" magnetic board, and $80 with a 30" board. So buy one for your cubicle, and then start hanging all your memos/emails. That way when your boss comes by to ask why you haven't done jackshit for the day, you can tell him the most recent memo was clearly a fake, and has been Photoshopped -- you could tell because the shadows were all wrong. You will then be applauded for your detective skills and promoted. Or fired. Hopefully fired.

Hit the jump to see closeups of the two magnet sets.

Continue Reading " FAKE!: Magnetic Photoshop Picture Boards "