Nov 20 2009 Holy Grail? You Decide: A Bacon Chalice

I can't even imagine weaving bacon so tight as to not let liquid (well, molten cheese) through, but apparently somebody did. My hat oven mitts are off to you, bacon mug maker. Cause one time I tried weaving bacon and it didn't even make a solid placemat. It did, however, make a solid after-school snack. Kidding, I'm vegetarian. Did you feel that? That was your head imploding.

Bacon Beer Mug [thisisfreakingridiculous]

Thanks to Profound, mike469x, Dominican Joe, Freedom and KilgoreTrout XL, one of which is Kurt Vonnegut's plus-size alter-ego, the other three of which are fighting over who gets to eat the cup.

Nov 18 2009 R2-D2 Finally Spotted In New Star Trek Movie

Remember how you heard J.J. Abrams snuck R2-D2 somewhere in the new Star Trek movie? And remember how you kept going back to the theater with the hopes of spotting him? God, you need a hobby. I dunno, World of Warcraft or something. Anyway, thanks to the recent release of the film and newfangled slow-motion technology, the droid has been spotted.

The blog Gizmodo has located the brave droid's appearance, and frankly, it's no surprise that 99.999% of the world couldn't spot the "Star Wars" star. R2-D2 appears for about one microsecond during a battle scene. Floating across the screen from left to right, the droid appears to be enjoying himself, however briefly.

Well, there he is. Finally, we can all sleep at night. Together, in a big pile like in Where The Wild Things Are the one time they're all happy before Max proceeds to eff everything up. And speaking of which: you run away from my home and guess what -- there isn't going to be any chocolate cake waiting for you when you get back. There's gonna be a locked door. And maybe a belt so you can whip yourself if you're lucky.

Confirmed: R2-D2 Finally Discovered In Star Trek [gizmodo]
via
Found: R2-D2 in 'Star Trek' [yahoomovies]

Thanks to jessica, Matty and Lunarion, who spotted him the first time but didn't want to say anything because they didn't want to ruin it for the rest of you. Plus, they make great friends because they can keep secrets.

Jul 17 2009 WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic

A 12-mile long trail of unknown biological goo has been spotted off the coast of Alaska. Personally, it looks like robot love-oil to me (don't ask how I know). *ahem* I'm looking at you, Optimus.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."

"It's pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it," Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose -- just bones and feathers -- to the borough's wildlife department.

ZOMG, it's the North Carolina sewer mutant's illegitimate older cousin! Now I'm not saying I want to deep fry some and include it in my Octo-taco-pancrepe-pizza, because I don't. But I would smear some all over your body and lick it off. God, am I romantic or what?

Hit the jump for a picture of a bucketful of the gunk.

Continue Reading " WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic "

Jun 25 2009 Stoned Wallabies To Blame For Crop Circles

The title alone might be the most profound thing I've ever written. I smell Pulitzer! So yeah, apparently wallabies are getting into medical poppy fields in Australia and going nuts. Whee!

"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing.

"Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

Great, next they're gonna start breaking into cars and selling themselves to koalas to pay for a fix. And right when I was about to visit Australia too. Damn you, junkie wallabies!

'Stoned wallabies make crop circles' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Graf Zeppelin, SquidgyB, Marty the farmer, Ross and Jonny, who can only make McDonald's runs when they're high.

May 21 2009 Ghost Caught On Film In British Museum

Some BBC employee allegedly took a picture of a ghost at a museum in England. This is the picture, and, quite frankly, I just don't see it. Unless it's an Arab smoking a hookah with a hand down his pants. That I can see.

Mr Sandys, 30, was photographing at the reputedly haunted Edward Jenner Museum in Berkeley, Gloucestershire, and captured the image on his camera.

"It was a bizarre formation of light showing a mystery figure in a doorway," he said. "I am sure it was not caused by sunlight or dust in the air.

"I checked again and looked in the doorway but I could see nothing."

He went on: "As a BBC employee I wouldn't dare doctor an image or I would lose my job."

Same here, Mr. Sandys -- I would never doctor an image for fear of losing my job. BWAHAHAHAHA! No but seriously, how can you be sure it wasn't the sunlight and dust? What are you, some kind of dustologist? And, if so, is it true dust is mostly fly assholes and eyeballs?

Mystery figure shocks cameraman [bbcnews]

Thanks to Romeo, who would have kicked that ghost in the nuts and stolen its shoes.

May 11 2009 Another Montauk Monster Washes Ashore

Remember the Montauk Monster? It's back. Well, another one at least. Escaped from the same top secret government facility as the first, this monster washed up on Southhold, Long Island, just across the bay from Montauk. AND THERE'S VIDEO. AND IT'S GROSS. BUT I'D STILL EAT IT. BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY.

Hit the jump for some guy poking the thing, holding hands with it, and singing Kumbaya and shit.

Continue Reading " Another Montauk Monster Washes Ashore "

May 7 2009 FAKE: Shadow Chair's Shadows Are All Wrong

The $1,050 Shadow Chair may appear to defy the laws of decency, but it's actually not. IT'S A TRAP TRICK! SPOILER ALERT: The shadow is actually part of the chair's frame. HIYO -- I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? You did? Oh, well aren't you just the little Sherlock Geekologie Reader!? Well riddle me this then: if a train departs Washington DC traveling north at 60 MPH, and another one leaves NYC going south at 55 MPH, does anyone get groped on the subway in Japan? Probably -- and that's just wrong.

Hit the jump for a picture of the seat in action.

Continue Reading " FAKE: Shadow Chair's Shadows Are All Wrong "

May 5 2009 Superfailure Personal Ads: Consortium Of Evil Seeks Shadowhare's True Identity

That's right, "E" from the Cincinnati-based Consortium of Evil, put up a Craigslist ad seeking Shadowhare's true identity in order to put a stop to the do-gooder and his ragtag bag of spandex-laden friends. Plus, he's offering a hefty $10 reward. Which, even though I promised Shadowhare I wouldn't betray him, is too good to pass up. So, "E":

Shadowhare is -- are you sure you're ready for this? And I will get a $10 bill and not like 40 quarters, right? Okay, Shadowhare is -- can I get you a glass of water or something? No, I'm not stalling, of course I know who he is. I'm just trying to build suspense. Fine. Shadowhare is....a dork. BOOM -- Hamilton me, bitch!

Craigslist

Thanks to egleaves -- OR SHOULD I CALL YOU "E" FROM THE CONSORTIUM OF EVIL!?! egleaves? Okay.

Apr 29 2009 LOST Cake To Celebrate 100th Episode

This LOST cake was made for the cast and crew of the show by Charm City Cakes (of Ace of Cakes fame) to celebrate the series' 100th episode, which airs tonight.

It has been more than four years since that fateful airliner, Oceanic Flight 815, crashed onto an Island on September 22nd, 2004. After 99 episodes full of ominous mythology, startling discoveries, shocking cliffhangers, buried secrets, and stunning character development - we have reached the 100 episode milestone.

Nice -- 100 episodes and we still don't know jackshit. Or do we? Rearrange the letters in 'black smoke' and what do you get? Exactly, fondant. BOOM, mystery solved.

Bigger picture HERE.

Lostpedia (which, if you're a LOST fan and didn't know about, you've been missing out)

Thanks to Chris and Matt, who once Bermuda Triangled with a special magnetic field and then next thing you know babies, black smoke, mysterious civilization, time travel and a whole bunch of other boom-shacka-lacka.

Apr 28 2009 Rocks: Not Just For Christmas Anymore

As a guy who's no stranger to receiving a sockful of coal on Christmas morning, I wouldn't be surprised to open a birthday present and see the same thing. Thankfully, nobody bothers remembering my birthday anymore. But a Florida mother got pissed when she bought her son a $138 Nintendo DS from Wal-Mart, only to find out the box was full of rocks and a couple pieces of wadded Chinese newspaper (to prevent the fragile rocks from breakage). Wow, porno-laden PSP, you got nothin' on this.

The troubling discovery prompted the Florida woman to contact the local Wal-Mart where she bought the curious box and complain, but reportedly workers there told her it wasn't their problem and that she should contact Nintendo instead. Of course, Nintendo told her roughly the same thing, leaving mother and son with a $138 box of rocks.

Amazingly enough, however, Wal-Mart soon caved after learning that the same box of rocks had been previously returned by another disgruntled customer. How exactly it made it back onto store shelves remains a mystery, but for her troubles, Wykle was given a full refund and a $20 gift card.

Yes, what a mystery. We better call Sherlock Holmes in for this head-scratcher. I mean, WTF? You think a Keebler Elf broke out of a box of cookies, hiked all the way to the electronics department, and restocked the system in the middle of the night? Because that's what I'm leaning towards.

Florida teen finds rocks in Nintendo DS box [yahoonews]
and
$138 box of rocks?? [wtsp]

Thanks to Huevo and Lisa, who once had a shopping cart race in Wal-Mart and accidentally ran over the greeter.

Apr 14 2009 Gross!: Man Grows Small Fir Tree In Lung

Apparently some guy was huffing pinecones when he accidentally snorted a bud into his lungs, where it grew into a little tree. Please note: man was not actually snorting pinecones, I just made that up for the sake of providing you with the highest quality investigative journalism. Also, I don't know know if you could tell or not, but I made that graphic using Photoshop. Elite skills: I'm full of them. But hopefully, not evergreens.

Artyom Sidorkin, came to a hospital in the city of Izhevsk in Central Russia last week, complaining that he was experiencing chest pain and coughing up blood.

After submitting to an X-ray the doctors saw a lump in the patient's lung. After a biopsying the lump the doctors pulled out a 5 centimeter fir tree branch out of his lung, complete with needles.

Sick! At least he didn't swallow it though. Because one time I swallowed a pumpkin seed and then several months later pissed a jack-o-lantern, complete with cut-out face and candle. Boy did I feel 8 pounds lighter!

Hit the jump for a graphic shot of the tree and partial lung after removal. NOT recommended for lunch viewing.

Continue Reading " Gross!: Man Grows Small Fir Tree In Lung "

Jan 22 2009 Strange Lights In The Sky Can Only Mean One Of Two Things: The Aliens Are Coming Or Some Boring Natural Phenomenon

It's a well-known scientific fact that aliens have a light fetish. So these columns of light seen above the town of Sigulda, Latvia can only mean one thing: they're here. Needless to say, there's a cover-up in effect.

But experts are agreed there may be a more prosaic explanation - ice crystals in the air.

The air above the town was notably cold and filled with suspended ice crystals.

It is believed that the columns were formed by those reflecting light from the bright streetlamps and other lights on the ground - beaming it back downwards again.

Yeah, no. Aliens, bitches, they're coming. Now I'd hate to start a bunch of fearmongering without doing something to help, so I'll cut straight to the chase: I'm selling tin-foil hats and butthole tape on eBay.

Hit the jump for several more pictures of the mysterious alien beams.

Continue Reading " Strange Lights In The Sky Can Only Mean One Of Two Things: The Aliens Are Coming Or Some Boring Natural Phenomenon "

Jan 18 2009 Anybody Seen My Foil Helmet?: UFO Destroys Wind Turbine, Aliens Make Off With A Piece

The alien apocalypse is upon us! Those other-worldly asslovers have already started sabotaging our power systems, starting with most crippling -- yes, the wind turbines.

The facts: The turbine suffered a catastrophic failure at night around the same time many locals reported "glowing spheres" in the sky. The manufacturer says the turbine was built to withstand extreme conditions. And the blade that snapped off still hasn't been found.

That's right folks, we can finally add destruction of property and theft to the long list of rectal crimes aliens have committed here on Earth. Apparently the little wonk-eyed bastards hate renewable energy and just all around jerks and litter bugs. Which, honestly, I've been trying to tell you all for years. Remember the time I woke up with a burger wrapper and Styrofoam cup in my ass? Exactly.

Breaking: Aliens hate wind power [dvice]

Oct 31 2008 Giant LEGO Figure Appears On Beach

A giant LEGO minifig maxifig washed up on the beach of Brighton, England a few days ago, and nobody knows where the hell he came from.

The Lego man is 6ft tall in red, yellow and green. It is presumed to have washed up on the beach, but whether it has come from a cargo ship or from across the Channel is not clear.

Brighton resident Gerry Turner, 34, said: "It's very odd. God knows how it got here but people are saying it's from Holland because it's got some Dutch writing on it. It must have fallen off a boat of something. The kids love it."

Fallen off a boat or something? How many boats do you know of with giant LEGO men manning the sails? Exactly, only a handful. No, I think there's a much more logical answer to this mystery. And that, my friends, is God.

Giant lego man appears on Brighton beach [telegraph]

Thanks to ShitBitch Carl, who used to captain a LEGO pirate ship in the Carribbean.

Oct 21 2008 Frightening Little Gnome Still Gnoming Strong In Argentina

Remember the gnome/leprechaun that was terrorizing Argentina? Well, he's still around, and, apparently, still looking for his gold.

The teens - who recorded footage of the freaky being on their mobile phone - said they are now "too terrified" to go out at night.

Experts who examined the latest footage, taken in the town of Clodomira, province of Santiago del Estero, Argentina, last week, say it is 'credible'.

But sceptics say the sidestepping 'gnome' could be a speedy child or even a small animal.

Haha, no. What in the hell would a child on speed or a dog want with with a pot of gold? Exactly, nothing. "WHO ELSE SEE THE LEPRECHAUN SAY YEEEAAAH!"

'Creepy gnome' back on prowl [thesun]

Thanks again to Julian, who, for two tips in one day receives a free lap dance. Ladies?

Aug 13 2008 Is This A Chupacabra? (Hint: Probably Not)

A Texas cop was on a routine fence inspection drive (WTF?) when he found a strange creature running in the road. He claimed it was hairless, had long back legs, short front legs, and a massive snout. So he started filming it with the car's camera. Hit the jump to see the video and hear an interview with the cop. So, what do you think, is it a chupacabra? No, it's not. How do I know? Simple. 1. The chupacabra is a creature of the night, they don't wake up from their daytime siesta until after nightfall. 2. It's nothing like what I imagined it should look like. Chupacabras should be half human, half lizard -- that would be freaking sweet. This thing is the bastard child of a coyote that stuck it to your neighbor's dog. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly 3. Is it sucking a goat's teet? I see no goat, I see no teet, I can't see my dick past my beer bellly anymore, and I see no chupacabra. *slams case closed for emphasis* Suck it, Matlock!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Is This A Chupacabra? (Hint: Probably Not) "

Aug 8 2008 It's Paper!: Montauk Monster Mystery Solved

Remember Brian Chan? He's Geekologie's Folder In Residence. Well this morning he wrote to let me know he singlehandedly solved the Montauk Monster mystery: It's a single piece of folded paper! ZOMG, government conspiracy! This just proves the point I've been trying to make for awhile now: when there's no simple answer, blame the government. They're bound to have f***ed up somehow. And also, taxes. They make you pay them.

Hit the jump for a close-up and comparison shot showing the monster for what it really is.

Continue Reading " It's Paper!: Montauk Monster Mystery Solved "

Mar 20 2008 Gnomes Are Real, As Awesome As I Imagined

Apparently a gnome is terrorizing the town of General Guemes in Argentina. Although from the report he didn't actually do anything but try to cross the street (video after the jump!). I mean it's not like he's sucking the blood of your goats like the Chupacabra does. He's just trying to get his gnome on. Leave the poor bastard alone. He's probably just wandering the countryside looking for a nice garden to accentuate.

Must see crappy quality video of the handsome little devil after the jump. But turn down the volume -- the guy filming shrieks like a little girl at the end. Oh -- and if anybody can translate what the kids are talking about I'd like to know.

Continue Reading " Gnomes Are Real, As Awesome As I Imagined "