Sep 1 2009 I Must Have It!: Magical Unicorn Juice
Some guy on eBay recently sold the last jar of unicorn semen in the United States for $31 plus $3 flat rate shipping. If you were the buyer please contact me, as I must have some. *ahem* For science, for science (if I repeat things it makes them real).
This is possibly the only jar of Unicorn semen left in the united states.Unicorns were bred for their magic and keen night hunting skills to protect lepreachauns that had been injured in battle during the civil war. Unicorns were only found in two places on the planet, the northern and southern hemispheres. Anyone in possession of this rare and magical fluid will be able to swim with the wolves and fly with the dolphins as its powers are still being found.I opened the jar while i was on my computer and my computer flickered for a minute and i realized the semen had helped me kill Yogg-Saron on my World of Warcraft account and i recieved the Shawl of Haunted memories and the Mantle of the Wayward Conqueror. i have already been blessed and recieved my gift...so i'm going to pass the power onto someone else. Do not drink the unicorn semen as the power is too much for the human digestive system and could change your DNA and give you the shits. Bid, but Bid Wisely.
Do not drink, my ass. I have an iron stomach (and lung) and am gonna guzzle that whole jar like I'm shotgunning a beer. LASER VISION, YOU WILL BE MINE!
Thanks Chris, but if I found out you bought it and aren't sharing, well, that's just cruel. GIVE ME A SIP!
Mar 18 2009 Tool Box Must: Multi-Purpose Halligan Rescues Kittens From Burning Buildings And Brains Zombies With Equal Dexterity
The Halligan Bar is a tool used by both fire fighters and rescue workers to bash open doors, pry shit off other shit, and all around beat the hell out of stuff. And now you can own one. The 30" bar is available in alloy steel (10 lbs, $195) and titanium (5.25 lbs, $555) and is a must-have for anybody with any interest in surviving the zombie apocalypse. Just imagine a zombie's head on the end of that thing. Oh I'm sorry, did I just get you excited? Good, meet me in the janitor's closet in five. Now, don't get up as the same time as me, someone might get suspicious. Or, in The Superficial Writer's case, jealous. THERE WAS NO SPARK -- move on already.
Halligan Bar [cooltools]
Thanks to hayden, who once punched a zombie in the mouth so hard all its teeth fell out so hayden gathered them all up and put them under a pillow but the tooth fairy didn't come. What a sham!
Aug 1 2008 Yes Please!: Limited Edition Goonies Pumas
For every kid there's a movie that so was awesome to watch in your youth that it shaped your very being. For many, this movie was Goonies. For me, it was a sick German porno I found in my uncle's closet. But that doesn't make these limited edition Goonies Disk Blaze Pumas any less awesome. Dropping around the 6th of December for an undisclosed number of doubloons, they've got everything a gang of prepubescent treasure hunters could want in a pair of sneakers.
Puma obtained exclusive rights to the artwork and constructed this LE release out of the map on our most iconic runner from the early 1980's, the Disc Blaze. It features the infamous Disc closure system, heavy weave pull tabs and exclusive Goonies film logos on heel, sockliner and midsole. The limited Puma "List" sneaker comes in a customized burlap Goonies sack. Enjoy your adventure trying to snatch these up.
Must have!
Don't you realize? The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the best of stuff for us. But right now, they got to do what's right for them. Because it's their time. Their time! Up there! Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket.
Oh man, I could sit here and copy/paste Goonies quotes forever, but I'm on a mission today. It's a top-secret operation I've cleverly named Operation Get Drunk At The Local Street Fair, Eat A Street Vended Sausage, And Buy A Bunch Of Knick Knacks I'll Regret Tomorrow.
UPDATE: I puked kielbasa all over a basket weaver. Mission Accomplished!
A bunch more of the shoes along with, because it's Friday and I love you all dearly, a video of Chunk doing the Truffle Shuffle.
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