Oct 7 2009 Oldschool Destruction: Rampage In Real Life
This is a video of the oldschool classic Rampage in real life, brought to you by the same angry bald man that produced the real life Paperboy (but not the movie). I chuckled. But I did NOT upchuck, even though I did two nights ago. That was the night I walked into the restroom at a bar and caught a guy standing at the pisser trying to blow a snot rocket on the wall above the urinal. So you know what I did? I waited till he was done pissing THEN WHIPPED HIS MONKEY ASS. Being gross: don't do it around me.
Oct 2 2009 One Step Closer To Evolutionary 'Missing Link'
Scientists believe they're one step closer to human evolution's "missing link" with the discovery of new skeletal remains in Ethiopia.
Humanity has a new older sister. A fossilized skeleton of Ardipithecus ramidus or "Ardi" predates Lucy by over a million years. The discovery has led to new insights about human evolution, suggesting previously unknown relationships to our chimpanzee brethren.
The paleobiologists studying Ardi identify hers as an "intermediate" form, one that is bipedal, but at the same time capable of walking on all forms and traveling through trees. Still, although she represents a point past hominids' evolutionary break with gorillas and chimpanzees, she is very different from modern apes. For example, Ardi's had flat hands and feet and flexible wrists, and engaged in a form of locomotion called palmigrady, which is a trait of ancient apes and unlike gorillas and chimpanzees, which are stiff-wristed knuckle-walkers. This suggests that gorilla and chimp ancestors developed their knuckle-walking long after their evolutionary break with hominids.
Interesting. And by interesting I mean Ardi looks like your mom but with nicer tits. AND trim.
New Fossil Discovery is the Closest We've Come to the Missing Link [io9]
Thanks to Julian, who would hit anything with opposable thumbs.
Sep 9 2009 Sticking It To The Man: Guy Dons Monkey Mask To Avoid Paying Speeding Fines
Guys, I know I said I'd have the haiku graded by last night, but I still have 200 to go. Then, I have to choose 4 out of the top 100 I've pulled aside. I WILL DO IT TONIGHT, I PRETTY PRETTY PROMISE. That said, some jackass is speeding around Phoenix, AZ wearing a monkey mask to avoid paying speeding-camera fines. To date, he's already been sent 37 tickets.
"Not one of them there is a picture where you can identify the driver," said Dave Vontesmar, a flight attendant who works at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport. "The ball's in their court. I sent back all these ones I got with a copy of my driver's license and said, 'It's not me. I'm not paying them.' "
"We watched him four different times put the monkey mask on and put the giraffe-style mask on," Officer Dave Porter told AZcentral.com. "Based on surveillance, we were positive that Vontesmar was the driver.""It's obviously a revenue grab," he said of the new photo-enforcement program. "They're required by law to ID the driver of the vehicle. If they can't identify the driver or the vehicle by the picture, what are they doing to identify the driver?"
Really -- monkey and giraffe masks? Save 'em for the bedroom, Dave.
Man Dons Mask for Speed-Camera Photos [aolnews]
Thanks to Pat, who only drives in style -- on the sidewalk with a grocery bag on his head.
Aug 27 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Banana Phone
The Banana Cellfoam is a $10 piece of foam rubber that molds around your mobile phone, making it appear as though you're taking calls with a banana. Which I think we can all agree is pretty genius. Plus, you can turn your phone on vibrate and tell a friend to call for an instant sex toy! Kidding, that's icky. Holsters for the banana phone are also available, or you can just keep it in your pocket and save $8 while gaining some much needed respect from the ladies. You know, because they won't think it's a banana -- they'll think it's a gun! And firearms, dear reader, should be respected at all times.
Thanks to Matt, who once tried to impress the ladies with a whole pocketful of bananas but ended up getting beat within an inch of his life by a monkey that escaped the circus riding a tiger.
Jul 9 2009 Cute Stop Motion Donkey Kong Movie
This is a little stop motion Donkey Kong movie. It's cute. Not as cute as my socks though, but they have little ducks on them. Now rub my feet. Uh-oh -- QUACK ATTACK!
Thanks to Heather, who makes me work for my tips. On the corner. All hours of the night.
May 28 2009 Okay?: Another Day, Another Glowing Animal
Well scientists have already created glowing dogs and cats, so it was only a matter of time before somebody did a monkey. Nice, guy, thanks for the AIDS.
Though primates that make a glowing protein have been created before, these are the first to keep the change in their bloodlines.
Although the work demonstrates the principle that a gene can be introduced into a primate bloodline, study co-author Hideyuki Okano of the Keio University School of Medicine said it may not be suitable for studying all diseases.That limitation is about 10,000 bases, or letters, of the genetic code. That upper bound will constrain the diseases that can be studied.
Great, so we've got more glowing animals with the promise of help curing disease. Well hurry up and cure one already! I'm starting to think these "scientists" are just making glowing pets to bring home to their daughters. Which, I think we can all agree, is despicable (glowing dinosaur, pronto). You can't hide from me, little Anchisaur!
Glowing monkeys 'to aid research' [bbcnews]
Thanks to Matt, who, LOOK BEHIND YOU - A THREE HEADED MONKEY! (swish)
May 27 2009 Hmm: Birds As Smart As Monkeys, Toddlers
In an experiment that helps prove some birds are smarter than they'd look in the bottom of a KFC bucket, a British rook was able to make a tool (hook) in order to accomplish a task (score worms). Allegedly, this puts them on par with monkeys and toddlers. But I haven't seen any toddlers making tools. Just stools. Yeah, in their pants. Birds: 1, toddlers: 0.
They were presented with a small bucket of wriggling worms out of reach at the end of a tube, and next to it a piece of straight wire.
Remarkably, despite never having seen the set-up before, they immediately got to work bending the wire so they could hook out the bucket and tuck in.Unlike most animals which learn tricks through trial and error, they solved the problem immediately and, since they were raised in captivity, had no other birds to show them how to do it.
Just what I've been waiting for. Now I'm going to use a flock of rooks to finally rob the local bank. God knows the squirrels couldn't do it. Could you, you stupid tree rats? I swear, one of you spots a nut and you act like it's the first time you showered with daddy.
Hit the jump for a couple more action shots and a video.
Continue Reading " Hmm: Birds As Smart As Monkeys, Toddlers "
May 20 2009 Human Evolution's 'Missing Link' Found, Surprisngly Not Your Mom. Oooh, Burn!
A 47-million year old skeleton of what is believed to be the "missing link" in human's evolutionary split from tree-swinging, bug picking, shit throwing apes has been found in Germany and nicknamed "Ida".
"This is the first link to all humans," Hurum, of the Natural History Museum in Oslo, Norway, said in a statement. Ida represents "the closest thing we can get to a direct ancestor."
Ida, properly known as Darwinius masillae, has a unique anatomy. The lemur-like skeleton features primate-like characteristics, including grasping hands, opposable thumbs, clawless digits with nails, and relatively short limbs.
Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, I would hit that like a bushel of bananas with a coconut. Ha, what do you mean that's like my great great great great great great great great great grandmother to the thousandth power? AND SO WHAT IF IT IS?
"MISSING LINK" FOUND: New Fossil Links Humans, Lemurs? [nationalgeographic]
Thanks to Matty, Chris, chubo, Andrew, Jon, Dylan and Paul, who have all slept with cavewomen and liked it. Furplay, baby.
Oct 8 2008 Wait, What?: A Monkey Waiter
I don't have much more information on this except apparently there's some Asian restaurant with a monkey waiter that brings your food and drinks. If that's not freaking crazy, I don't know what is. Just look at his cute little -- BASTARD JUST THREW A TURD AT ME!
Youtube
Thanks to Bryan, who owns a restaurant with a dinosaur server that accused me of grabbing its ass. I did!
Jul 25 2008 This Is What Happens...
When your neighbors are a nuclear power plant.
The Chinese pig, dubbed 'Monkey Face', is apparently healthy despite being fugly as hell and having extra long back legs that cause it to hop around instead of walk. I gotta admit though, it's cuter than my sister's new baby.
Hit the jump to see the uncensored picture and be scarred and saddened.
Jul 22 2008 IT Everywhere: An Art Project
In a similar vein as this and this, Paulthewineguy, a man who may or may not be Paul Giamatti from Sideways, has an ongoing art project entitled IT Everywhere. It's basically a bunch of video game/computer related art in the real world. Most of it is Photoshopped, but some are decals that he's stuck around town. As you can see unless you've lost your sight or are too young to remember, that's the opening scene from Ghosts 'n Goblins there. You know, the one where Arthur is lounging around in his drawls after banging the princess when that cockblocking jerk Satan shows up and steals the man's strange. Damn, should I design video games or what?
Hit the jump for several more worthwhile pics and a link to the huge gallery. Oh crap -- there's a Ghost Pirate LeChuck in there too. For those of you in the know, meet me at my tree fort at 6:00 PM, you're in the club.
May 29 2008 Like I Really Needed Any More Proof: Foolish Scientists Teach Monkeys To Control Robots With Their Minds, AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
If there's one thing I hate in the world it's robots. And that hate is only trumped by cute little monkeys in laboratories controlling robots with their brains. F'ing a. So yeah, a bunch of scientists that deserve to have their diplomas and lab jackets revoked have taught some monkeys to feed themselves using robotic arms using only their brains. Because this is supposed to help us in one way or another.
The animals were able to feed themselves using prosthetic arms, which were controlled by brain activity.
Small probes, the width of a human hair, were inserted into the monkeys' primary motor cortex - the region of the brain that controls movement."The more we understand about the brain, the better we'll be able to treat a wide range of brain disorders, everything from Parkinson's disease and paralysis to, eventually, Alzheimer's disease and perhaps even mental illness."
I call shenanigans. These scientists don't give two flying monkey shits about curing disease. The sick bastards are building a primate-controlled robot army to kill us all. Now let's go smash up their lab and free those poor little monkeys. Who's with me? Come on, it'll be fun. We'll get drunk as shit on the ride back and make the monkeys drive.
Video of the poor little guy in action after the jump.
Mar 31 2008 Mixed Feelings: Monkey Riding Motorcycle
This is a video of a monkey riding a motorcycle. I have mixed feelings about it. While a monkey zooming around on a little motorcycle is admittedly pretty neat, I can't help but feel sorry for the little guy. I mean he's doing it right in the damn traffic. That's dangerous, and no way to treat an animal. It's different when you get your little brother to perform dangerous stunts for your amusement, but monkeys? They have feelings.
UPDATE: Turns out that wanker on the curb is pulling him around with a leash. Anybody know where that guy lives? I've got my steel-toed boots laced up and they're itching for some nuts.
Thanks to Tom, who can ride a motorcycle with his eyes closed, backwards, with no hands, all the while making out with a chick clad in leather, for the tip
