Nov 13 2009 Free Willy!: Whale Penis Leather Interior Dropped As Option On Luxury SUV's

Remember the Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored cars we reported on last month? You know, the ones that came with a 'whale penis leather interior' option? Ha, how could you forget? -- you called the company to find out if you could just buy seats. Well, after many complaints from whale-loving organizations like Greenpeace, the WWF and PETA, the company has decided to drop the option. Per their absolutely terrible press release. And I mean terrible:

We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want - to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. [...] All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car - and that's why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: "Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales - we will keep You live! We don't Earth fall down to Ocean!

I can only assume that's just a horrible, horrible translation job. Because if not, this is the last car I'd ever want to drive. You can't even put a sentence together, how am I supposed to trust your air bags?! *POOF!* Elephant scrotum, nice.

Hit the jump for two more shots of the most whale-hating-est vehicles in the world.

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Oct 19 2009 Luxury SUVs: Now With Whale Penis Interiors

Italian leather is okay, but you haven't experienced luxury until you've peeled yourself from whale penis leather on a hot day. And now you can thanks to the $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored car! Also, penis leather is fundamentally wrong.

The leather is not the only tacky accessory on the Prombron, which Dartz claims is the world's most expensive SUV.

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world's most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.

Dartz's armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are "rocket grenade-proof" according to the website.

For those wondering just how may whales may need to be harvested to outfit the special edition, the answer is not many. The penis of the Blue Whale, for example, can grow up to 2.4 metres.

Yeah, no. If I catch anybody with one of these you can rest assured I'm stealing your windows, exhaust, instrument panel and vodka. AND I MAY RUB MY FACE ALL OVER YOUR SEATS.

The 4WD with seats made of whale penis [sydneymorningherald]

Thanks to Russell and Dan the man, who both drive unicorn penises.

Sep 11 2009 Crimes Against Humanity, Alternatively, Why I Decided To Rob You: A $135K Blu-Ray Player

Nobody should own a $135,000 Goldmund Eidos Reference Blue Blu-ray player. That's the bottom line. I mean, there are children in Africa who don't even have Laserdisc players. So how someone could knowingly spend six figures on a Blu-ray player makes me sick. BLAAAAAAH! There, I hope you're happy now.

This 66-pound behemoth has such beautiful design, we're thinking it would be right at home in an art gallery. But does it make the Blu-ray movies look any better? Only those with golden eyes and ears will know for sure.

Those precision spring-loaded legs, a completely isolated power supply and fancy Goldmund Magnetic Damping drives the price up into the stratosphere, along with that ritzy Goldmund name.

I've never heard of the Goldmund name, so that doesn't mean anything to me. I guess I'm not an audiophile. Although, admittedly, I did experiment with a girl's ear once in college, but it just wasn't my thing (she got an inner-ear infection and dumped me).

Hit the jump for one more shot of the ridiculousness.

Continue Reading " Crimes Against Humanity, Alternatively, Why I Decided To Rob You: A $135K Blu-Ray Player "

Aug 9 2009 No, Wrong, No: $32,000 Golden Computers

I don't care if a computer can run a real-time simulation of the Big Bang while playing Crysis at the highest settings and rendering a HD home movie you made of the neighbor's dog humping a stray cat, it shouldn't cost $32,000.

Gaiser High End Design PCs range from $7,820 to $32,300, and it isn't because they've got such great components. No, it's because they have 24 carat parpartial gilding with gold leaf.

Yeah, no. Although, I DID just think of a computer that is worth $32,000. It's called my old laptop, and I'll even sign it for you. And, not to get your hopes up, but it may contain some nudey pics (I'll make sure it does).

Jul 7 2009 Michael Jackson To Be Buried In Gold Casket

Michael Jackson, donning his last piece of flair (possibly a Bedazzled glove), will be buried in a 14-karat gold coffin only befitting of a king (of pop. Alternatively, Neverland).

The $25,000 container from Batesville Casket Company ("because every family deserves a Batesville") is made of solid bronze, plated with 14-karat gold, and polished to a mirror finish. It's the same model in which James Brown was buried. No question about it, it'll be the fanciest coffin in the graveyard.

You know, when I go I want to be buried in my rocketship. And by buried I mean launched into the sun. And by "when I go" I mean I'm pushing the button now. I'M OUT BITCHES, PEACE!

Michael Jackson to be buried in 14-karat gold coffin [dvice]

Jun 14 2009 Golden: ZOMG, WTF Are Those Things?!

Impressive, but mine drag on the pavement.

Loose In DC Tonight: The Mother of All Truck Nutz [wonkette]

Thanks to Spoonman, who may or may not want to give this vehicle a physical.

May 15 2009 What A Princess: Bride's LED Wedding Dress

Some bride, in a bid to be the classiest bride of all classy times, had a dress made with 300 LEDs sewn into the bottom poofy part. And let me tell you, the applause when she turns it on during her first dance is deafening. And how about that song from Armageddon? I'm not sure if you've seen the movie BUT THEY ALL DIE IN THE END. I'm just sayin', you can't put a price on looking like a Christmas tree at your own wedding.

LED wedding outfits aren't exactly classy [dvice]

Apr 20 2009 Wine Glass Features Convenient Reservoir

I know what you're thinking, "holy shit, that glass has a tumor!", and you're right, it kind of does. The Glass Tank is a conceptual wine receptacle that keeps your glass topped off at a constant level. That way you get drunk with while you're, you know, I've been drinking. Now I know -- 4.20's supposed to be about smoking, but, and it might just be the booze talking -- but I love booze. Also, this is a stupid idea. I already have a wine glass with built in receptacle -- it's called the box. Or, if I feel like being Mr. Fancy Pants, the bottle. Class: you can't spell Geekologie Writer without it.

Hit the jump for one more shot of how it works (air replaces wine in reservoir as you drink).

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Mar 24 2009 Cool, I Want Some: Darth Vader Money

This is the way money looked a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Or, I dunno, as imagined by DeviantArt user Diablo2003. As you can see, Vader opted for a helmet-on shot, which I think we can all agree, was the smart decision. Nobody wants to see your crusty-ass rutabaga head on their space bucks!

Star Bucks: Darth Vader Money [uberreview]

Mar 12 2009 Wow: What A Trillion Dollars Looks Like

Remember when we showed you what a billion dollars looks like? Well this is what a trillion dollars looks like. Allegedly. That little red stick on the left is supposed to be a human, for reference. Now I'm not very good at math so I couldn't actually make any direct comparisons between the real billion dollars and this hypothetical trillion dollars, but I'd believe just about anything somebody tells me. Free candy? Just let me grab my bookbag.

This particular rendering was made through Google SketchUp, Google's 3D modeling software. Measurements were taken of a $10,000 stack of $100 bills (just half an inch thick!) and pretty much multiplied from there using simple geometry. In that trillion dollar shot, each pallet holds $100 million...and the pallets are double stacked.

Now whether this is an accurate portrayal of a trillion dollars is irrelevant. What is relevant is that I'm going to steal it. I don't care if it's just a rendering, I'll steal the computer it was made on. I'm gonna be rich! A trillion dollars, son, that's like....almost a zillion.

To Conceptualize a Trillion Dollars, We Require Computer Visualization [gizmodo]

Thanks to Harrison, who I will blame for the crime and then give half the money to once he's out of prison. Provided I haven't spent it all already (I'll have spent it all already).

Jan 11 2009 Crystal Covered Mercedes Is A Piece Of Crap

This is a picture of a Mercedes Benz that's been Bedazzled. It's a "customized Mercedes-Benz SL600, Luxury Crystal Benz, studded with 300,000 Swarovski crystal glass." It was on display at the recent Tokyo Auto Salon 2009 by auto-modder Garson/D.A.D. Oh, did I mention it's a monster piece of gaudy crap? It's true. Fun fact: if you squeeze a Swarovski crystal between your buttcheeks hard enough it turns into pain. Neat!

Luxury Crystal Benz at Tokyo Auto Salon 2009 [chinaview]

Thanks to Flash, who drives a moondust Bentley, but only on Sundays to and from church.

Dec 4 2008 Kinda Tacky: Diamond Plate Foosball Table

Foosball: the sport of champions. And by champions I mean those who like to drink in dark, smoke-filled bars. Which I freaking rule at! *high-five* Whoa, watch the drink buddy. So yeah, a $1,200 foosball table with diamond plate accents. This thing is straight tacky as shit but might look okay in a garage. Provided it's in pieces. Under a big blue tarp. With bricks holding it down. Geekologie: helping not sell your company's products since 2006.

Product Page

Thanks to KXHone, who, along with yours truly, could school any of you mothers. Bring it!

Dec 1 2008 Haha, I'm Rich!: Fiber Optic Placemats

The LumiTable table runner is made from woven fiber optic strands and glows while you dine in the dark. Available in a variety of hideous colors, each 63"x13" runner will set you back a costly $200, but is sure to get the neighbors talking. Talking about what a tacky freaking idiot you are. Seriously, the only people that eat in the dark are vampires. And if there's one thing I know about vampires, it's that I tried to stab myself to death with my nachos watching Twilight this weekend.

Luminous tablecloth adds an eerie glow to your dining experience [dvice]

Nov 24 2008 That's What I Call Shiny: A Chrome Bugatti

We've seen chromed cars in the past, but quite frankly (can I call you Frankly?), those just weren't as shiny as this Bugatti Veyron. Maybe they went for the economy chrome job, but whatever the case, they lacked the mirror-like sheen of this summabitch. I mean, you could snort drugs off the hood of this thing. You know, or a CD case. But if you are doing your drugs off the back of a cracked CD case, chances are you probably don't have the money to be doing drugs. And your connection probably sucks. I guess what I'm getting at is this: you're snorting laxatives.

Hit the jump for four more of the shiny-shiny.

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Nov 12 2008 Heat Sensitive Pillows Change Colors, Whee!

The Please Touch Pillow wants you to touch in -- in a bad way. So it can change colors! They cost $160 and are made by witches. The more you wash them the less color changing they get, until, eventually, they're just regular pillows you paid $160 for. Now there was something else I was going to say, what was it? Oh right, I had a Hypercolor shirt 20 years ago! Sucketh thine, Please Touch Pillow -- I shalt not fondle thee!

Please Touch Pillow [outblush]

Thanks again to RyanThePerson, who may or may not be RyanThePillowFondler behind closed doors.

Sep 17 2008 Just Plain Wrong: A Ferrari Station Wagon

In this installment of money doesn't buy class comes a Ferrari station wagon. It was custom built by Ferrari for the Sultanate of Brunei and is making me sick to my stomach. The only thing worse than paying Ferrari to build a station wagon is to make one yourself. I just don't get it. And in other news, the new Facebook sucks monster hangy-downy dinosaur balls and I wish I did too.

Hit the jump for two more pictures.

Continue Reading " Just Plain Wrong: A Ferrari Station Wagon "

Sep 10 2008 Further Proof: Money Doesn't Buy Class

Thought the gold Porsche and Burberry Maserati were bad? How about a pink camo Bugatti Veyron? I know, I think I just shat in my mouth a little too. The Veyron (and green camo Rolls Royce Phantom after the jump!) are both owned by Nigo, the ban behind Japanese clothing line Bathing Ape. Fortunately, if there is such a thing as fortune in this case, the eye poison is actually the result of vinyl wraps (like the Maserati) so you can rip the hideous off before you sell it to someone else. Man, I can't wait till I'm a rich a-hole with no class. I've already got classless asshole down pat, now I just need the rich. I'm coming for you, bank!

Hit the jump for the camo Rolls and an unrelated camo Porsche.

Continue Reading " Further Proof: Money Doesn't Buy Class "

Aug 11 2008 UPDATE: 8 People Buy $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone App, Now With Video Tour!

Armin Heinrich made a $1,000 iPhone application called "I Am Rich" that doesn't do anything but open a picture of a glowing red gem. That way, nobody will feel bad about stealing your phone. And, God willing, punching you in the teeth with a car.

The app displays a glowing red gem on a user's iPhone screen for the sole purpose of proving to onlookers one is of the moneyed class. That's all it does.

You know, there are a lot better ways to let people know you're rich than a damn iPhone application. Including, but not limited to: grillz, throwing money from your car, and getting your member gold plated and/or diamond encrusted. But the real sick part of this story is that 8 people bought the application before iTunes pulled it. And you know what? IT WAS ME 8 TIMES! Suck it, peasants!

UPDATE: Video tour of the app and a link to a hacked version after the jump thanks to Tony, who may or may not be in the mob.

Hit the jump for several more pictures, a video tour, and a link to the hacked app. You're rich!

Continue Reading " UPDATE: 8 People Buy $1,000 'I Am Rich' iPhone App, Now With Video Tour! "

Jul 23 2008 All Money And No Class: Burberry Maserati, Plus SPECIAL BONUS Chrome Ferrari

Not that we really needed any more proof that money doesn't buy class or my affection, I thought I'd post this so everyone can blow off some steam by ranting in the comments section about what possessed some nutass to Burberry his Maserati Quattroporte. It's fugly and they didn't even do a good job. I mean the lines don't even match up. I'm driving down to the Maserati dealership and I'm gonna punch the first rich person I see milling around the lot.

UPDATE: Haha, I KO'd a salesman. F*** them too.

Hit the jump for a couple closeups and a few of a chrome Ferrari 599, which would be blinding to drive or be behind, but I am embarrassingly kind of liking.

Continue Reading " All Money And No Class: Burberry Maserati, Plus SPECIAL BONUS Chrome Ferrari "

Jul 8 2008 Money Can't Buy Classiness: A Gold Porsche

From our "Money Can't Buy Classiness" department here at Geekologie comes this gold covered Porsche. Some moron with more money than taste has added almost 40 lbs of gold to his 911 convertible. So now it's 40 pounds heavier, and 50% less cool. I swear, what is it with rich people's fascination with shiny things? It's ridiculous. You know what other demographic loves shiny objects? Babies. Coincidence? I think not.

Hit the jump for several close-ups of the gaudiness.

Continue Reading " Money Can't Buy Classiness: A Gold Porsche "