Nov 2 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Crazy Fork Lift Accident

I got to operate a fork lift once, and let me tell you: I've never seen Lowe's employees run so fast. WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED PAINT MIXED?! Anyway, this is a horrible fork lift accident that destroys nearly $250K of precious vodka in distribution center. Oh the humanity! Still, it is pretty awesome. And by awesome I mean devastating. And by devastating I mean very, very awesome. FULL CIRCLE BABY, who's down for an elephant walk?!

Fork Lift Accident Brings Down The Warehouse [break]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, Zach and Kelly, who don't destroy booze, booze destroys them. Same here, guys.

Jul 15 2009 VISA Card Users Charged $23 Quadrillion

Several people rocking VISA prepaid credit cards got a peculiar $23,148,855,308,184,500 charge this week when using their VISA BUXX cards. That's 23 quadrillion dollars. To put that figure in layman's terms, it's almost double what I'm suing Disney for.

In New Hampshire, Josh Muszynski said he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and when he later checked his account online found that he had been charged

In North Texas, Jon Seale saw the same 17-figure bill on his credit card statement, presumably for a meal July 13 at a restaurant owned by celebrity chef Wolfgang Puck.

Uh-oh -- I smell a Wolfgang Puck/big tobacco conspiracy. Rumor has it that dirty Austrian's been cooking with tommaco for years!

Visa card surprise: $23,148,855,308,184,500 [msnbc]

Thanks to Justin, Stephanie and debaser, who are now addicted to Wolfgang Puck brand pasta sauce.

Mar 2 2009 Paypal Makes Mistake, Accuses Man Of Pumping $81,400,836,908 Worth Of Gas

Juan Zamora is a man. A man with a '94 Camaro which undoubtedly has some Rad to the power of Sick flames painted on the sides. Anyway, he bought $26 worth of petrol at the station and paid with his Paypal debit card. Only problem was, Paypal reported he pumped $81,400,836,908 worth of petrol! Now that's a lot of hot air gas!

He only learned of the astounding figure when he received an email later that afternoon informing him that his debit card, which started out with $90 on it, was maxed out.

"Somebody from a foreign country who spoke in broken English argued with me for 10 to 15 minutes," Zamora said. " 'Did you get the gas?' he asked. Like I had to prove that I didn't pump $81,400,836,908 in gas!"

He would have needed more than 3 billion fill-ups of the amount he actually pumped into his tank in order to reach that outrageous sum. When Zamora returned to the Conoco gas station, he said, the attendant would not believe him until he showed her the printout of the PayPal receipt.

Finally Juan was able to set the record straight. And if you even think about trying to pull any of that nonsense on me, Paypal, and you are going to get it. And by 'it' I mean some provocative photos of yours truly and a firebomb. ZOMG, look at the hair on -- *HORF* uh-oh.... *WHOOOSH!* Justice: a dish best served flaming.

PayPal Charges $81,400,836,908 For $26 Tank Of Gas [consumerist]

Thanks to twellve, who once saw a guy drive off with the gas pump still in his car's filler hole. She tried notifying him while he was leaving, but he just thought she was waving at him. His car exploded moments later.

Jan 13 2009 Uh-Oh: SWAT Team Called On FPS Gamers

A couple of Danish gamers (Danishers), got the SWAT team called because they were playing a first person shooter too loud one night. Thankfully, they weren't rocking any Wiimote-gun mods.

As far as we can make out from this report, two young men from Valby near Copenhagen were giving it some stick on a large flatscreen telly with the volume cranked up, prompting residents in their apartment block to suspect someone had been shot.

Cue rapid SWAT intervention, with the area sealed off and heavily-armed officers using megaphones to order the pair to surrender. The two apparently came quietly, and suffered nothing more than a temporary cuffing while police ascertained that the only danger posed was to the neighbourhood's peace and quiet.

First of all, "giving it some stick" means something completely different in my neck of the woods. And secondly, I can relate to these guys because I've often had the cops called for "having loud sex late at night". They're called adult films you idiots!

Danish SWAT team surrounds PlayStation shoot-'em-up [theregister]

Thanks to Richie-con-carnie, who once had the fire department called because he set a lover on fire. He's just that hot.

Dec 16 2008 Well, That Made My Day: A Wii Accident

I love the way he starts crying for his mommy and slapping the TV like that'll magically make the screen uncrack. Remember: they give you wrist straps for a reason -- they make pretty bracelets!

What a Wiimote to the TV Actually Looks Like [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who doesn't break TVs playing Wii because he has a HD projector -- that comes out of his penis. It's true, he plays movies for people on the subway. Also, thanks to Richthegringo, who caught a showing of the Dark Knight.

Oct 21 2008 PS3's Little Big Planet Delayed For Song

If you haven't already heard, Little Big Planet, the much anticipated PS3 game about strangely erotic sock puppets, has been pushed back a week. Why? Because one of the songs in the game features two verses from the Qur'an.

The music in question is "Tapha Niang" a song performed by Malian musician Toumani Diabate, Sony said.

"One of the background music tracks that was licensed from a record label for use in the game contains two expressions that can be found in the Qur'an," the company said in a statement. "We have taken immediate action to rectify this and we sincerely apologize for any offense this may have caused."

Sony, maybe you should have done your research before stuffing offensive songs into your video games, you stupid idiots. Haha, no, I'm not just saying that because you didn't use the track I sent you. Although you should have, that shit was solid gold! At least brass. Brassy. Tin. Solid tin.

Sony delays videogame over offensive music [yahoonews]

Thanks to JoShmoe, whose balls have been mistaken for little big planets. True story.

Oct 8 2008 Prevent Drunk Emailing: Google Mail Goggles

Google recently unveiled a Gmail application that may help prevent drunk emailing. When in use, the program requires a potential emailer to solve a few mathematical problems before the message can be sent. Pretty clever, now make something similar for cell phones and we'll be set. Or you can just subscribe to The Geekologie Writer's method of drunk messaging prevention -- dropping your phone in the pisser when you're trying to text. I touched a urinal cake with my finger!

Google's Mail Goggles Prevents Drunk Emailing [wired]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer and DJ LIBOR, who both probably regret sending this tip.

Sep 3 2008 Say No To Carpal Tunnel: Bloody Stump Wrist Rests Perfect For Halloween, Zombie Decoys

Worried about developing carpal tunnel? Get a job where you don't have to type. But for the rest of us, there are wrist rests. This $15 set includes one hand and foot and is sure to get a rise out of undead coworkers. Of course, if you actually do work with zombies you should probably chop their heads off before they eat your brain. As a matter of fact, The Superficial Writer and I had to take a fire axe to the secretary just this afternoon when we caught her eating an arm.

UPDATE: Haha, it was a meatball sub. I swear, that marinara can be deceiving. Well, long story short, we called the coppers and blamed it on The Iwatchstuff Writer.

Hit the jump for a few more pictures of the gore.

Continue Reading " Say No To Carpal Tunnel: Bloody Stump Wrist Rests Perfect For Halloween, Zombie Decoys "

Sep 2 2008 Dad's Cab Racks Up Chore Fares For Toting Your Ungrateful Children Around Town

If you're anything like me you made the mistake of getting your girlfriend pregnant because she told you she was a millionaire. And now you're stuck with two (she told me she was worth at least $500,000 the second time) ungrateful teenagers that want to go to the mall everyday or over to their friend's house to do drugs and/or have sex. Enter Dad's Cab, an $18 clock that looks like a taxi meter. You just slap that mother to the dash with adhesive tape, load up the kids, and then drive them wherever they demand. Then, when you're slowing down to 25MPH so they can roll out, you toss a fare card out the window. Fares include "Bring me a mug of tea an the paper on the weekend", "Wash, wax, and vacuum my car", "Let daddy get drunk in front of the TV for the night", "Stop stealing my beer", "Get a freaking job", and "Run away from home".

Geez, whatever happened to using public transportation? When I was a kid, there was no asking my parents for a ride. They'd just pin a note to my shirt with my destination printed on it and send me off to the bus stop. And that, dear reader, is how I was kidnapped by a one-eyed prostitute.

Dad's cab, a taxi meter for your social butterfly kids [dvice]

Thanks Julia tripped on whiskey, we should get together and do that sometime.

Aug 29 2008 Steve Jobs's Obituary Accidentally Published

For those of you who haven't heard, Steve Jobs's 17-page prewritten obituary was accidentally published when somebody at Bloomberg chose the wrong button after some routine updating to the information. Woops. You can read the whole thing after the jump, it's nice and wordy and names Jobs as Apple Co-Founder and Arbiter of Cool Technology. Bitchin' title! You know, this story really got me thinking -- what will people say about me when I'm dead? You think I'll get 17 pages?

FUTURE UPDATE:

Geekologie Writer, Writer of Technology, Penises, 39

The Geekologie Riter was a monster freaking asshole. Thankfully, now he's a ded one.

Wow, fourteen words and two misspellings. I'm killing myself.

Hit it to read all the amazing things Jobs has done.

Continue Reading " Steve Jobs's Obituary Accidentally Published "

Aug 14 2008 Husband Cheats On Wife, She Sells Condom Wrapper And Picture Of His Lover's Undies

Some guy cheated on his wife and was caught after he accidentally sent her a text message meant for his mistress. She came home, and the rest is soon to be penis-chopping history.

Once upon a time there was a women who, after 22 years of marriage, found evidence that the soon to be ex-husband, had had 'The Tart' in their marital bed this very afternoon. This low life deceitful son-of-a-person ( I'm all for political correctness) blatantly denied that this event took place even though the evidence is irrefutable and is now up for auction on e-bay.

The woman is selling a picture of the "tart's" underwear and the used condom wrapper (size small) she discovered. She was originally selling the actual underwear, but eBay yanked the auction as you're not allowed to sell preworn underwear because that's freaking disgusting and a good way to catch malaria. Make sure to hit the auction link if you want to read a much, MUCH longer description of how the guy was busted. Current bidding is at $303 with 3 days remaining, and I have no idea why anybody would freaking pay that. But hey, if you're interested I'll sell you the lingerie section from a JCPenney catalog and an empty box of Trojans for the same price.

eBay Auction

Thanks Amanda and Matt, may you never have to post a similar auction.

Aug 6 2008 Man Proposes Using Google Earth Street View

Google recently set up some new Street Views near the Googleplex company headquarters in California. And Google employee Michael Weiss-Malik used the opportunity to re-propose to his girlfriend. That's why his sign says "Proposal 2.0" -- he had already given a traditional proposal and the woman said yes.

My original proposal was quiet and low-key. It was just some simple heart-felt words exchanged during a quiet night at home. And while Proposal 1.0 had plenty of sentiment, it was lacking in pizazz. So I did what any Silicon Valley geek would do: I decided to upgrade to "Proposal 2.0," a new improved online version. I proposed to Leslie from inside a Google Street View panorama.

Wow, Michael, that's probably the most romantic story I've ever heard. Well, minus the one about the guy that proposed with a handgun. I do like this whole Proposal 2.0 business though. I've even been inspired to do make one to my fiancée. Baby, if you're reading this:

Proposal 2.0 -- This effectively voids proposal 1.0

Woot, freedom!

Marriage Proposal in Street View! [gearthblog]

Thanks to "because nothing says true love like not even being physically present for your proposal" Craig.

Jul 18 2008 Epic Failure: Translate Server Error

If you're ever in China you have got to hit up Translate server error. Best food EVER.

Then we'll grab a bite at 404 Not Found [adfreak]

NOTE: I don't actually know if that's a restaurant or what. Anybody that can read it feel free to add.

Thanks Jason, a problem has been detected and Windows has been shut down to prevent damage to your computer.

Have a great weekend everyone, I'll miss you.

Jun 16 2008 Epic Failures: How Not To Drive A Tank

Tank Driving 101

Don't drive your tank off a cliff. Don't drive your tank too deep in a bog. Keep your treads on at all times. Don't try to mount another tank from behind unless you've taken it out for dinner and bought it a few drinks. Don't try to stunt-drive your tank on a single tread. And last but not least -- never, ever, ever pose for a picture with the tank you just f***ed up.

And while I'm not saying I could drive a tank any better than these guys, it'd be pretty hard not to.

A nice big gallery of tank mishaps (and a few planes for the hell of it) after the jump.

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Jan 23 2008 Wii Mii Chocolates In Time For Valentine's

Wii Mii Chocolates are, get this -- little Wii Mii shaped chocolates! You get the option of milk, dark, or white chocolate, and can choose any combination of the three, along with the preferred sexes of the two figures. They run $15 and come in a little Wii shaped box. Perfect for that Wii loving lover of yours for Valentine's day. I actually thought about ordering some, but I've decided on going a different route. Instead of buying chocolates I'm going to write a heartfelt poem for my girlfriend on Valentine's. The following is my rough draft.

My girlfriend,

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't.
I've been sleeping with your best friend anyways.
I guess this is my way of saying "we're over."
Happy Valentine's.

I hope you cry a lot,

The Geekologie Writer

Pretty romantic, I know.

Chocolate Mii for you and Wii [popgadget]

Dec 28 2007 Shotgun Blasted Cell Phone Sells On eBay

Take a Nokia E90 cell phone, add one 12 gauge shotgun blast, throw that bitch up on eBay and what do you get? Apparently $20.50. The description of the "for parts ONLY" phone follows.

The unfortunate victim of a negligent discharge from a 12 Gauge Shotgun loaded with 00 Buckshot. Fortunately no one was hurt.

My Loss and Stupidity is Your Gain!

Half of the phone is still intact. Neither screen survived, however the camera, Front Keypad, SIM and Mini SD reader and part of the plastics are still intact.

The phone is being sold AS IS. Obviously it Does NOT work or power on!

Battery and Battery Cover are NOT included.

As soon as I read this story I started shooting cellphones and selling them on eBay. I'm gonna be rich. Unfortunately I'm also going to be disabled, because I forgot to take a phone out of my pocket before shooting it. Can you sell human legs on eBay?

Two more pictures of the mutilated phone after the blast.

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