Jun 3 2009 Damnit Obama, Accept My Friend Request
We've already featured some fake celebrity Facebook pages on Geekologie, so why not the president's? Yes, why not the president's? That's something I ask my self everyday just once a few minutes ago. Also, if you haven't already joined the Geekologie page on Facebook, you are no innovator. You are a laggard. And, if you know anything about the Everett Rogers Diffusion of Innovation theory, that's the worst kind. Now I know what you're thinking, "Holy shit, the Geekologie Writer must have like thirty genius brains", but you're wrong, I have an infinity. Times infinity. Kidding, totally think with my junk.
Hit the jump to see the whole profile, which may or not feature Kim Jong-il riding a missile (it does).
Mar 15 2009 Hands Down: The Worst Advertisement For Israeli Missiles I've Ever Seen
This is by far the most painful advertisement for exploding projectiles I've ever seen. Apparently Israeli missile-maker Rafael thought it would be a good idea to feature a traditional Bollywood song and dance number to drum up some incendiary business in India. They played the video at the recent Aero India 2009 in Bangalore. Was it successful? I sure hope not. And not just because I've been pitching my advertising services to Rafael. Tell me what you think of my latest commercial idea:
Wide shot of a desert quickly zooms in to a tight one of a lone watermelon on a folding table. Another quick zoom to a medium shot of the area surrounding the melon and table. Far off in the distance, a rumbling PEW PEW!. Soon, two missiles are seen cresting a mountain. As they approach, the camera man realizes he's been had and, dropping the camera, begins running. You see him fading off into the distance until *KA-BOOM!* he disappears in a massive explosion. As the smoke clears, you see his smoldering shoes. Then, at the bottom of the screen: "Expect the Unexpected. Rafael Missiles: Now with heat-seeking technology. Rafael -- When only the PEWIEST PEW will do."
Bollywood Missiles Ad Destroys My Ears, Eyes, Faith in Humanity [gizmodo]
Thanks to Martyn, who doesn't have to advertise his missile because the ladies already ask for it by name.
Jan 9 2009 New Presidential Limo Ready For Action Jan 20
CLICK HERE FOR FULL SIZE IMAGE
Remember the new presidential limo that Cadillac designed to be PEW PEW proof? Well it's been approved for use starting January 20th and is jam-packed with all kinds of exciting features like extra presidential blood (I'm not kidding) and 8-inch thick (me too, ladies) doors that weigh as much as a 757's cabin door. I thought it was funny the driver side window is the only one that goes down and even it only 3-inches (me too, ladies) to "pay a toll or talk with secret service agents running alongside". Pay a toll? Get freaking real! I know the picture is small, so click here to see the full size image and read all those little words. Then, read my lips: No. new. tickets. Seriously, I'm already driving on a suspended license. Shhhhhh!
Inside the Rocket-Proof Obamamobile [gizmodo]
Thanks to Pat and Vossk, who allegedly both banged hookers in the back of this thing while it was being built.
Dec 9 2008 The End Is Nigh!: Hovering Robot Of Death
Wonder how you're gonna die? By this thing, the Missile Agency's Multiple Kill Vehicle-L (MKV-L).
The MKV-L mission is to destroy medium through intercontinental-range ballistic missiles equipped with multiple warheads or countermeasures by using a single interceptor missile. During an actual hostile ballistic missile attack, the carrier vehicle with its cargo of small kill vehicles will maneuver into the path of an enemy missile. Using tracking data from the Ballistic Missile Defense System and its own seeker, the carrier vehicle will dispense and guide the kill vehicles to destroy any warheads or countermeasures.
Missile destroyer my ass, we're all freaking dead. Game over man, game over!
The hovering Multiple Kill Vehicle is simply a waking nightmare [engadget]
Thanks to Mike, Jake and Leigh, who know I love thinking about the robot apocalypse almost as much as I love things being jammed in my pee-hole.
Dec 9 2008 Pentagon PEWing For Guided Bullet Tech
The Pentagon is tossing $22 million at developing guided bullet technology that would enable a bullet to change course midflight because it wasn't shot right first in the first place, the wind changed, or the head you were aiming at moved. *closing blinds* Greeeaaaaat.
Darpa won't say, publicly, how far, how long and how accurate they want the new bullets to be -- all that information is classified. But they will say that Exacto should contain a next-gen scope, a guidance system that provides information to direct the projectile, an "actively controlled .50-caliber projectile that uses this information for real-time directional flight control," and a rifle. "Technologies of interest may include: fin-stabilized projectiles, spin-stabilized projectiles, internal and/or external aero-actuation control methods, projectile guidance technologies, tamper proofing, small stable power supplies, and advanced sighting, optical resolution and clarity technologies."
Hey Darpa, I hate to ruin the party, but guided bullets already exist. They're called missiles. Yeah, they're laser guided and they shoot out of my penis. PEW on this, moneywasters! Oh, just a minute. *PSSH* Oh -- *PSSSSHHH* Aaaahh -- *PSSSSSHOOOOOOOOW!!*
Pentagon Shoots $22 Million Into Guided-Bullet Tech [wired]
Thanks to Erick, who came up with that PEW *WHOOSH* PEW thing, and never misses the urinal.
Nov 12 2008 WMDs: Death By Great Flaming Balls
So the Pentagon is employing a new weapon in the fight against WMDs. Namely, giant flaming balls (aka rocket balls).
These are hollow spheres, made of rubberized rocket fuel; when ignited, they propel themselves around at random at high speed, bouncing off the walls and breaking through doors, turning the entire building into an inferno. The makers call them "kinetic fireball incendiaries." The Pentagon doesn't want to talk about them, but published documents show that the fireballs have undergone tests on underground bunkers.
WTF!? Suffice it to say the Indiana Jones franchise would have ended 15 minutes into Raiders of the Lost Ark if the ancient Peruvians had employed a rocket ball instead of a giant freaking rock.
Click the article for a much longer explanation of the the weapons.
Secret Rocket Balls Target WMD Bunkers [wired]
Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who even giant flaming balls can't kill.
Jul 31 2008 Air Force Seeks Anti-PEW-PEW Spray
In a recent request for proposals, the Air Force has asked for the development of an anti-laser spray or embeddable layer than can be retrofitted on equipment and prevent it from being damaged by pew-pews for up to five seconds.
The idea isn't to render the weapons "impervious" to ray gun blasts. The Air Force just wants the shield to delay the laser burning through a weapon's skin -- five seconds or so ought to do the job. The best way to make it happen, the service believes, is with "a thermal protection coating (e.g., spray-on) or a broadband reflector embedded layer on [the] munition['s] skin."
Basically, we want to be able to get a missile to target without being lasered out of the sky. After skimming over the request (okay, so I didn't actually read it), I quickly filed a proposal.
To: Whoever dishes out the grant money
From: The Geekologie Writer
Subject: Request For Anti-Pew-Pew Technology
Two words: Duct to the muthaf***in' tape. Cash or Paypal preferred. Thank you.
CHA-CHING!
Note: The video just demonstrates how laser shoot downs work.
Air Force Looks to Laser-Proof Its Weapons [wired]
Thanks to Richie, who actually coined the term "anti-pew-pew-spray".
Jul 14 2008 More Iranian Missile Photoshoppings
Remember last week's story about Iran Photoshopping their missile launch pictures? Well it turns out that several other individuals, inspired by the fine work by yours truly, have taken to Photoshopping their own versions of the picture. Hit the jump for several more, and if you happen to have seen another one, or have made one yourself, send me a link and I'll throw it up in the gallery. Like my grandfather used to say while squinting one eye and pointing his finger like a gun at anybody who walked past his house, "Pew pew, bitches, pew pew! Words to live by folks.
Hit the jump for the gallery.
Jul 10 2008 Iran Photoshops Pictures To Hide Failure
So apparently Iran Photoshopped a picture of some missiles to make it appear as if they have the capability to launch four missiles instead of three and a dud (unphotoshopped pictures after the jump). A bunch of newspapers printed the photo before new things came to light and revealed it had been shopped. Uhhh...doctoring a picture to have four missiles instead of three? What the hell's the purpose? Why not go for the gusto and have 9 missiles shooting all over the place. That's what I did (picture after the jump). See how much more intimidating that looks? BOOM -- missiles going everywhere. You could learn a thing or two from The Geekologie Writer, Iran. I have a Photoshop portfolio, you know. Including, and pretty much limited to: the missile picture I just did, and my penis with a few inches added that I use for internet personals.
Hit the jump for the original picture, the doctored one, and my own version.
Continue Reading " Iran Photoshops Pictures To Hide Failure "
Apr 25 2008 Gryphon Glider Is Wicked Freaking Sweet
We've seen several different gliding apparatus here on Geekologie, and we've even posted the Gryphon before. So why again? Because many of you probably haven't seen it. Plus it's been updated yo. Now the stealthy looking bastard is down to 30 pounds, can carry 100 extra in a built in compartment (pic after jump), and the best part -- can now be fully weaponized. Two words: missiles and lasers and bombs. Is this making you as hot as it is me?
The Gryphon attack glider, designed to penetrate combat zones at 135 miles per hour, could revolutionize the art of parachuting. Its helmet has a heads-up display and provides on-board oxygen for the jump. To land, a soldier separates the wing from his pack and releases his parachute to slow his descent. The wing remains attached to the soldier by a cord and lands before him.
The wing is currently steered manually via rotary controls connected to the rudder, but SPELCO, the company behind it, hopes to add an electronic system to make it much easier to steer. If successful, they'll be dropping a commercial version! Man oh man I can hardly wait. Sure it's no jetpack, but if my shorts are any indication, that hasn't stopped me from riding the 4-Inch Express to Bonertown. *toot toot* All aboard!
Several more pictures of the pack and a link to a video, after the jump.
Continue Reading " Gryphon Glider Is Wicked Freaking Sweet "
Feb 7 2008 Don't Push That Button: Rent Or Lease Your Very Own Underground Intercontinental Ballistic Missile Base. Who's With Me?
So who wants to go halvsies (or thirdies/fourthies/etc.) with me? I've always wanted an underground missile base from which I could rule the world throw wicked rave parties. For rent or lease is the former Larson Air Force Base Complex 1A Titan ICBM Facility in Washington state. Prices start at $495/month for a 1200 sq. ft floor in the equipment terminal building and go up to $1,500/month for an entire missile silo (160' tall, 44' in diameter, 150 ton doors). I'm thinking we'll go for a silo. It also says that they'll remodel to suit, so maybe we can get some work done before moving in. Like painting over the tags that vagrants have spraypainted everywhere (see pictures after jump). I'm calling right now to see if any missiles are included, and if so then I'm putting down a security deposit immediately. So anybody that's down to move to Washington state and live in a missile silo with me should leave a note in the comments. It's going to be way fun. And lonely. So bring board games. Winner gets to push the launch button.
Several pictures of what non-paying tenants (aka squatters) have done to the place after the jump.
