Nov 18 2009 This Wasn't In The Job Description: Microsoft Store Employees Required To Dance

This is a video of the workers in a Microsoft store dancing around and clapping like the bunch of out-of-shape retail employees they are. That said, I would've passed out halfway through the song BUT ONLY CAUSE I'D BEEN DRINKING.

The Blackeyed Peas compel the employees at the Microsoft Store in Mission Viejo, California to break out in dance, let their hair down and have some fun. This is an amazing store, the employees seem really excited and engaged, almost happy to be at work. My favorite parts are when people walking in the mall come inside the store, join in the dancing and have some fun. The amazing thing is that people are in the store for hours, they love interacting with the software and learning about new technology.

Wow, like THAT doesn't sound like the biggest bunch of promotional bullshit I've ever read. People spending hours in a retail store, really? THEY'RE CALLED HOMELESS. The last time I ever spent hours in a retail establishment my mom forgot me at Sears while I was playing in the middle of a clothes rack and they closed the store for the night. And that, my friends, is why I can't sleep without a circular saw.

Youtube

Thanks to Patrick, Mark, babysteps and Mixtech, who, dance! *pew pew* I SAID DANCE!

Nov 15 2009 Kid Sings Windows 7 Song At Talent Show

This is a video of fifth-grader Will Smith (of Fresh Prince fame) singing 'Windows 7 Rising', a song about the operating system sung to the tune of CCR's 'Bad Moon Rising', at what I assume is a school-sponsored talent show. He's pretty skilled and undoubtedly left the stage that night with a number of 8th grader's hearts in his jacket pocket. Which sadly isn't many BECAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE THOSE SUIT POCKETS FUNCTIONAL. And you know why? Government conspiracy. Same reason you're not allowed to drink at the DMV EVEN THOUGH YOUR MOM DROVE YOU.

The Best Windows 7 Song You'll Heart Today [gizmodo]

Oct 29 2009 A-Ha!: So THAT'S How Twins Are Made

This is a cute pair of twins rocking Mac copy/paste shirts. There's a shot of twin boys after the jump wearing the Microsoft equivalent. Honestly, did you know this was how twins were made? Because I didn't. I just thought you had to do it twice in a row!

Hit the jump for the boys.

Continue Reading " A-Ha!: So THAT'S How Twins Are Made "

Oct 25 2009 All Windows Start Up And Shutdown Noises

Ever wanted to hear all the Windows startup and shutdown sounds from Windows 3.1 to Vista (suck it, Windows 7, you can't play with us!) in one short 1:11 video? Well you're in luck, cause here it is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AYE AYE AYE!!!! Really brings back memories, doesn't it? Yeah, mostly bad ones, but still. Hey -- just be thankful you're not that guy in Momento.

Complete collection of Windows startup/shutdown sounds [dvice]

Oct 23 2009 Dirt Slingers!: Apple Ad Taking On Windows 7

This is a just-released Apple ad making fun of Microsoft's new Windows 7. I thought it was smarmy and, despite not knowing what smarmy means or if it's even a real word, spell check didn't say anything so I'm going with it. Also, enough with the dirt slinging, Apple. Geekologie is 100% composed on a PC. But Apple, if you're reading this: I'd be willing to try writing Geekologie on a high-end Macbook Pro. Just sayin' (contact me for shipping address).

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Thanks to Kevin, who doesn't take sides because the likes the way fence feels on his butt.

Sep 11 2009 Windows 7 Commercial With Cute Little Girl

I don't get the chance to watch much television since my tv got repo'd but if I did I may have seen this Microsoft commercial for Windows 7 featuring Kylie, the cute Asian girl. Admittedly, I did like the ad. But that's because I'm a sucker for any commercial featuring The Final Countdown. Even tampon ones.

Youtube

Thanks to jon, who still sells products the really old fashioned way: from cave to cave.

Aug 26 2009 Microsoft's Questionable Photoshop Job

These pictures come from Microsoft's Business Productivity websites. The top picture is from the US version, and the bottom is from Poland's. Apparently Poland isn't as hip to diversity as other parts of the world. Which reminds me, how many Polish people it takes to Photoshop a black man into a white one? Poles using computers -- BWAHAHAHAHA!

US Website
and
Polish Website

Thanks to Curtis, Norman, Lewis, Chrissy Poopy Pants McBacon Lover, draw and jawn, who once Photoshopped themselves into a picture of Dora the Explorer and Bob the Builder so they could pretend they have celebrity friends.

Jun 5 2009 Search The Interwebs With Microsoft Bing

In an attempt to be one of the last tech websites running this announcement (I like turtles), Microsoft has upgraded their search engine (formerly Windows Live Search and MSN Search), and renamed it Bing. As in Bada-Bing, bing cherry, Bing Crosby, Chandler Bing and bing bing, money ain't a thing. Really?

Bing is specifically designed to build on the benefits of today's search engines but begins to move beyond this experience with a new approach to user experience and intuitive tools to help customers make better decisions, focusing initially on four key vertical areas: making a purchase decision, planning a trip, researching a health condition or finding a local business.

Sooooo, Google is still recommended for searching porno?

Microsoft Bing

Thanks to Teh Awex, Anonymouse and Will, who search the web the old fashioned way, with a Sherlock pipe and magnifying glass.

May 20 2009 Awesome: The Future According To Microsoft

This is a video of the future according to Microsoft. And, despite not owning a Zune, I would totally live there. In a treehouse, bitches, a treehouse. Close your eyes -- can you see it? It looks like Tarzan dry humping Judy Jane Jetson.

Microsoft's REAL Vision of the Future [gizmodo]

May 17 2009 XBox 360/Zune Mashup Device Coming?

Is Microsoft working on a device that combines functionality of the XBox 360 and Zune? I don't even know what the hell that would be, but maybe.

The project, codenamed "xYz," is said to feature a WVGA touchscreen and a way to play music and movies on both the device as well as the Xbox 360. Basically, it's going to be a connected handheld gaming system with rich multimedia features.

Eh. Also, "xYz" -- what a horrible codename. I can already think of like a million better ones. Including, and pretty much limited to, "Project Zune Liquidation".

xYz handheld rumored to combine Xbox 360 and Zune [dvice]

Apr 6 2009 Mac Vs. PC: Wolverine Vs. Rorschach

This is a little video of Wolverine vs. Rorschach in the style of those Mac vs. PC commercials. You might like it, you might not. But that's neither here nor there, what's important is that my roommate ate all the leftover Chinese food I was saving for an afternoon snack, and now I want to kill him. The only problem is, I know I shouldn't because I already threatened to kill him last night loud enough for all the neighbors to hear. But, if he does turn up missing, you didn't read this. And if you think I can't make your computer explode and burn you to death with just a couple quick keystrokes, you've got another thing coming. And also, a pretty firm grasp of computer technology. Now, put your grandma on.

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Thanks to NUTZBABIE and NinjaMuffin, who once called Wolverine's mom a dirty ore and lived to tell about it.

Apr 5 2009 Friend Me: Celebrities' Fake Facebook Pages

For fun on April 1st, PC World Magazine made a bunch of fake Facebook pages for celebrities (we've already seen God's), including, and pretty much limited to: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elvis, Andy Warhol, Satan, Rush Limbaugh, Hillary Clinton, Dr. Manhattan and William Shakespeare. I posted a little of Mr. Gates' there so you could get an idea of what to expect. Go HERE if you want to check them out in their full detail. And if not, hey, we can still be friends. Facebook friends! Seriously, my friend list is empty without you. Haha, I just sent you a virtual bumper sticker, now Superpoke me!

UPDATE: Readers Jess and Zeyd sent me the Facebook page of Greek mythology students. You can see it HERE.

Facebook Pages We'd Like to See [pcworld]

Thanks to Rafi, who still hasn't accepted my friend request. Seriously, just hit the button, bro.

Feb 22 2009 Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him

In today's sad story, a 14-year old boy in China allegedly bled to death after the compressed gas canister used to raise and lower his office chair exploded, launching a barrage of shrapnel into his b-hole. Now I hate to start wildly speculating who's at fault here, but it's obviously Microsoft. BCOD, folks.

Hit the jump for a picture of the underside of the chair.

Continue Reading " Office Chair Explodes, Sending Shrapnel Into Boy's Rear, Killing Him "

Feb 16 2009 Microsoft: Reward For Finding Worm's Origin

And in other Microsoft news, the company is offering up a bounty of $250,000 for any information that leads to the arrest of the authors of a recent computer worm that provides hackers an easy route to identity fraud and theft.

It's not the first time Microsoft has offered a reward for information leading to the capture of a cybercriminal. In November 2003, it slapped a $500,000 bounty on the authors of the Blaster and Sobig worms, and in May 2004, it paid $250,000 to a group of informants who enabled the prosecution of Sven Jaschan, the German teenage creator of the Sasser and Netsky viruses.

"The big question is whether the Conficker bounty is big enough," said Cluley. "$250,000 may have been enough to identify Sven Jaschan, a German teenager infecting computers for kicks. "But is it going to be enough to encourage someone to inform on an organised criminal gang, making large amounts of money out of malware?"

Okay, so what the hell's a worm? Is it anything like a trojan? Because I've got a whole shoebox full of those under my bed. Magnums, ladies, magnums.

Conficker virus: Microsoft offers reward for tracking down author of worm [telegraph]

Thanks to Cap'n Jack, who only fits in desert eagles.

Feb 16 2009 Hooray?: Microsoft Opening Retail Stores

In a power move of questionable questionableness, Microsoft has decided to open actual brick-and-mortar retail stores. Yay? Nay? Yay-nay? Yay-no? Yay-yo?

When Microsoft demoed its retail experience privately last month, reactions were predictably mixed: some thought it made sense, others found themselves sizing it up with the Apple Store. Microsoft has a strong brand to sell, with Windows on desktops, laptops, cells and smartphones, and the Xbox 360 is no slouch, either. Putting it all together in one store, controlling its presentation, and having a physical space to demo products to the public -- such as the Surface or Sync -- seems like a smart move. Though it'll be interesting to see if the company wants to directly compete with stores such as Best Buy and Gamestop, who sell Microsoft products at retail.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I am honestly not excited about this one bit. Unless they give you a free Coke and popcorn when you enter, in which case, okay, but the Coke better come in a bottle.

Microsoft retail experience becomes a retail reality, stores to be announced soon [dvice]

Feb 11 2009 Craft Time: More Custom Painted XBox 360's

We last saw painter ricepuppet's work when he painted the wickedly good looking Domo-kun (that lovable brown man-eating turd) XBox 360. Well now he's back at it, this time with a Hello Kitty 360, and several others. Trying to get your girl into gaming? Try a custom painted XBox 360 from ricepuppet! Trying to get your girl into bed? Try something like "princess, I would rescue you even if it meant searching another castle"*. And, if that doesn't work, "FIRE!!"

Hit the jump for more Kitty, Sonic, Halo, and Chocobo 360's.

*Up to four. Four castles is my limit.

Continue Reading " Craft Time: More Custom Painted XBox 360's "

Dec 11 2008 Oh Snap, There's A Zune Phone Coming!

Or is there? I don't know, I'm not good at speculation. But I am good at making shit up. And also, making out. Ladies?

According to Trip Chowdhry, an analyst at Global Equities Research, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will announce a Zune-style mobile device during his keynote address at the upcoming Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, on January 7, 2009. In an article in Barron's, Chowdhry claims that the company's new centerpiece will combine the best features of the Zune media player with the hardware design of Danger's mobile Sidekick, in addition to "motion enhancement features," like an accelerometer.

Basically, this means the device will come with a physical keyboard like HTC's G1 and will likely feature a larger screen to accommodate heavy multimedia elements. And since we're all here copying each other's mobile phone features, we'll be shocked if the Zune phone doesn't feature multitouch capabilities.

Wow, way to make my new-phone boner shrivel like a century-old prune. Microsoft, Microsoft, Microsoft. Did you not learn anything from yesterday's lesson? Are you trying to drop hints about a new phone or not? If so, this is how it's done:

Steve Ballmer: Zune phone? Who said anything about a Zune phone? Psyche -- gimme them digits, bitches! BA-DOW!

Remember Microsoft, I'm still available for hire.

Rumor: Zune Phone Is Coming to CES 2009 [wired]

Thanks to Ain, who doesn't need a cellphone because he has two tin cans and long piece of string in his treefort.

Dec 10 2008 Microsoft 'Software', A New Clothing Line

Yes, for real. Microsoft is launching a clothing line named Software. I don't get the pun, but I'm sure it's funny. Hit the jump for three more available styles, all of which have a retro feel to them (including Bill's mugshot). So -- who's buying? Anybody? Apparently this is all part of Microsoft's new marketing campaign. But, I've got to tell you, Microsoft: your marketing dollars would go a lot further if you just bought up all the advertising space on Geekologie. And also, hired me as your spokesperson. Check out this new slogan I've been working on:

Microsoft - Macrohard when you need it to be.

Hit it for the other shirts.

Continue Reading " Microsoft 'Software', A New Clothing Line "

Nov 18 2008 Questionable: Highly Inappropriate Zune Ad

Allegedly this is a spec ad made for the Microsoft Zune. If it's real, I hope Microsoft demanded their money back and told the ad agency responsible they're all a bunch of sick sickos. Because this is just wrong. I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's awful. And sick. And disgusting. And morally reprehensible. Ugh, just vile. And tactless. Okay, so how'd he do that? And will finger paint work?

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Thanks "Cool Zune Ad!" Frank, I'd hate to see what you consider an uncool Zune ad.

Nov 14 2008 What If?: The Matrix Ran On Windows

Is this is what would have happened if the Matrix ran on Windows? I dunno, maybe. But the real question is this: what if the Matrix ran on ethanol? If you answered "we'd be drinking buddies," you are correct.

The Matrix Runs On Windows [collegehumor]

Thanks to Jen, who once went down the rabbit hole and found herself in Wonderland. Remember, Jen, what the dormouse said: "FEED YOUR HEAD! FEED your head!"