Sep 9 2009 Study: OMG Women Have Faces!?
In a unshocking report released by the New Zealand's University of Wellington, researchers found that most men don't know that women have faces. Only breasts. Haha! But seriously -- what's a face?
Researchers found that virtually half - 47 per cent - of men first glance at a woman's breasts. A third of the "first fixations" are on the waist and hips, while fewer than 20 per cent look at the woman's face.
Not only are breasts often the first thing men look at, they also glance at them for longer than any other body part, the experts discovered, the Daily Mail newspaper in the UK reported.
Hey, different strokes for different folks (I always check for a penis first).
Scientific proof that men look at women's breasts first and their face is almost last [dailytelegraph]
Thanks to deadbodyman, who's still not convinced women have faces. OR BREASTS (foot fetish).
Jun 6 2009 (May) Deter Suitors: Fake Engagement Ring Kit
Ms. Taken is a fake engagement ring that comes in a discreet keychain holder so you can secretly slide it on before some dingdong at the bar tries to talk to you about how much money he makes being a giant effing loser. It costs $50 and I just bought them out. No more fooling me, ladies! Yeah, one time a chick tried to tell me she was engaged with a Ring-Pop on. I asked her who was she engaged to, Candyman? Then she said she'd summon him if I didn't leave so I ran home crying and broke all my mirrors. You know, because I'd hate to have to WHIP HIS WILLY WONKA ASS.
Hit the jump for two shots of the ring and a relatively must-see video ad they made which is a parody of The Lonely Island's Jizz In My Pants. Seriously, how'd that get there?
Continue Reading " (May) Deter Suitors: Fake Engagement Ring Kit "
May 11 2009 Hello Laaaaadies: The Pheromone Ring
Pheromone, named in honor of the goddess Pheromoneus, is Greek for "bonertime". Also, you're sort of being flipped off there in the picture, so consider that a little present from me to you. Anyway, this ring emits pheromones (Greek for "Spanish Booty Juice") whenever you push it in order to attract the men/women your way. Just like flies to honey. Or the Geekologie Writer to the guy in the dinosaur costume at his son's birthday party. Which *ahem* totally never happened (seriously, return my calls, I'd like to book you again).
Squeeze the side, and the S ring emits perfume juiced with pheromones. Three scents for each sex, all custom mixed.
You have to inject the perfumes into the ring with a hypodermic needle which is supposed to invoke the "clinical process" of getting ready for a date. The scent is released when you squeeze the side, causing the tiny piezo tubes to contract.
Hey, I don't care how it works, just as long as it does work. Now I am heading straight to the bar and I am going to pheromone (Greek for "my natural, onion-y musk") some chick RIGHT IN THE EYES. And, if that doesn't work, I'm going with Plan B: tranquilizer darts. I'm not the creep, you're the creep!
Hit the jump for a couple more shots of seduction.
Apr 22 2009 How To Pick Up Men: Nintendo In A Purse
Let's face it, there are few things in the world men respond more to than boobs. And fast cars. And vaginas. And beer. And fireworks. And dinosaurs. And guns. And meat. And meat guns. And sports. And power tool guns. Oh, and video games. So if you're a lady looking to score some attention from the lesser sex, but aren't ready to go topless (I urge you to reconsider), you may want to mod yourself a Nintendo purse.
Thanks to modder Jeri Ellsworth's creation, nerds everywhere finally understand the purpose of the purse. Hers has a built-in LCD and two velcro-on NES controllers for some on-the-go Super Mario Bros.
The guts of the purse are made from one of those system-on-a-chip deals that modders worldwide are so fond of, and the screen is just taken from a portable DVD player.
The system also has a Commodore 64 on a chip and some other basic computing capabilities. Which....is that Joust? ZOMG, Jeri, tell me you're in the DC area -- I'll meet you out for a drink! And not just to steal your purse. Okay, to steal your purse. Don't hate -- I look good with a manbag!
Video demo of the purse after the jump.i
Continue Reading " How To Pick Up Men: Nintendo In A Purse "
Apr 19 2009 Fail: How Not To Get Your Wife Pregnant
I'm filing this one under awesome. Awesomely sad. Some guy paid his neighbor $2,500 to have sex with his wife 72 times in an attempt to get her pregnant. But it didn't work! Read the whole article to find out what happened, and trust me -- it'll make you feel good about your own life. Unless your kids look suspiciously like the Fed-Ex guy, in which case, hey, I'm sure it's just coincidence. BWAH AHHAHAHA! Coincidence. BWAHAHAHA!
Paid to do it 72 times [just-whatever]
Thanks to Josh, who once got an entire women's swim team pregnant just by tipping his toe in the pool.
Jan 28 2009 Exclusive Follow Up: A Match Made In Halo
Remember Desirai Labrada and John Henry, the couple that met playing Halo and planned on getting married this month in a Halo-themed wedding at Otronicon? Well they did it folks, the couple is how happily married and PEW PEWing away to their hearts content together.
The ceremony started just after 1 p.m. in the Science Center's theater. Onstage, a screenshot from Ivory Tower, one of the wedding couple's favorite "Halo" levels, was projected, and a string quartet played songs from the game's soundtrack. Atop an incline of stadium seating, Master Chief began his walk down to the stage followed by John and his groomsmen, their ties marked with the winged-sword emblem of John's "Halo" character. Bridesmaids -- including a matron of honor who just months before had confessed that she didn't know who Master Chief was -- proceeded to their positions. And then, instead of "Here Comes the Bride," Desirai entered to the dramatic score of the "Halo" menu music.
Awesome. Congratulations Desirai and John, Geekologie wishes you the best and many kills to come. Also, I've been inspired to have my own video-game themed wedding the next time I get married. Zelda all the way, baby. Isn't that right honey? Honey? Goddammit.
Hit the jump for a couple more pictures, a video, and some exclusive insight into the awesomeness provided by my bridesmaid tipster, evilcharismatic.
Continue Reading " Exclusive Follow Up: A Match Made In Halo "
Jan 16 2009 Finally, Some Flowcharts I Can Understand: Thank God I'm A Man (And Love Booze)
These are flowcharts made by some beer manufacturer that explain, in simple detail, why you should be thankful you're a man. Because apparently being a woman involves much more complicated decisions. Hit the jump for two more charts, including one that has something to do with shoes. Personally, I only own three pairs: sneakers, dress shoes, and flip-flips. Okay, you got me -- and f***-me boots.
Hit the jump for the other two charts.
Continue Reading " Finally, Some Flowcharts I Can Understand: Thank God I'm A Man (And Love Booze) "
Dec 17 2008 Hmmm?: What If Tetris Had Lyrics -- About Tetris Being A Game For Women?
Brentalfloss, Geekologie's resident songwriter, known for such hits as Mega Man 3 with lyrics, and What A Wonderful Super Mario World, just dropped another single on this bitch, this time with a Tetris-theme. It's a song about the iconic block game being for women. Which may or not be true. Because, quite frankly, I love Tetris and I happen to have a....wait, where'd it go? Oh, oh no. I showered this morning -- the drain!
Youtube
Thanks VeryLiberating, TransconaSlim and Brentalfloss, you guys know anything about plumbing?
Nov 20 2008 The World Is Ending, And I Need Better Support: That's Right Folks, Man-Bras
Remember the Seinfeld episode about man-bras (bros)? I'm trying to forget it. But man-bras actually do exist, and here they are. Made by Japanese underwearier Wish Room, each man-bra promises support where you need it most: right at the tit. And as a man who's no stranger to trying on his girlfriend's bras while she's in the shower: I like to put on a little makeup too. Just a little foundation, eyeliner, mascara, blush, and lipstick -- nothing crazy.
HIt the jump for a bunch more disturbing pictures.
Continue Reading " The World Is Ending, And I Need Better Support: That's Right Folks, Man-Bras "
Nov 18 2008 Couple Divorces After Husband Is Caught Banging Virtual Prostitute In Second Life
In a story that reminds me of this one, a couple is getting divorced after a wife caught the husband banging a virtual hooker in Second Life. Jesus, this shit is pathetic.
Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.
"I went mad -- I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done," Taylor told the Western Morning News. "It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over."The couple's real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.
Fairy tale wedding ceremony in Second Life, beautiful. But here comes the kicker -- wait for it, wait for it.
Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online roleplaying game World of Warcraft.
BWHA HAAH AHA HAH HAHAA! Dreams really do come true!
Second Life affair ends in divorce [cnn]
Thanks to Allegro, Curtis, and Ryan, who have never cheated on their significant others because they aren't giant sacks of shit. Ladies?
Nov 11 2008 Help A Virgin Devirginize!: Actually, Nevermind
Nobody has helped me devirginize, so why should I help anybody else? Gotta look out for numero uno, if you know what I mean. I'm gonna touch a boob yet. Anyway, some poor schmuck allegedly has a lady friend that will have sex with him if his website gets 5 million unique hits by New Years (just get a hook already you cheap bastard). Which, since he was only at 84,939 the last time I checked, probably isn't going to happen. How do I know? Click the link to his page to find out.
Haha, f*** you buddy!
Thanks to "this is not my site, I am happily sexed up" Brad, for rubbing that in my face.
Real site here if you really want to help the undeserving bastard.
Sep 9 2008 New Esquire Magazine With E-Ink Cover
Did you pick up a copy of the 75th anniversary Esquire magazine yesterday to keep abreast of men's fashion? No? Well how about for the "first e-ink cover in history"? No? Well don't fret, because this is a video of the thing. As you can see, it's a magazine with a little e-ink panel. So what does this mean for magazines of the future? They're gonna consume more power.
Sep 3 2008 Woman Gets Confusing Box Of LEGO Parts
So Jenny, The Bloggess, got a box in the mail from LEGO to celebrate their anniversary or a new line or something. But when she opened the box and pieced together the parts they formed....an army of trannies! Despite a plethora of the pink dress tops and female haircuts, not a single head lacked that handsome red mustache perched suggestively over a frown. What did LEGO have to say about this?
Each kit was supposed to contain an assortment of random parts; however, it looks like yours somehow consisted only of angry mustache faces. Please know that this was not at all done intentionally or to freak anyone out in any way.
First of all, where the f*** was my box of trannies, LEGO? And secondly, I'm not so much "freaked out" as intrigued to what LEGO is secretly doing. Are they trying to teach children an important lesson about diversity and acceptance? Because that would be awesome. And, as a guy who's no stranger to trying on his girlfriend's panties while she's at work, I've got to admit: thongs make me feel sexy!
Hit the jump for a closeup so you can see them better.
Apr 2 2008 Software Program Detects Female Beauty
Tel Aviv University student Amit Kagian has created a program that can detect female faces and features that will be considered beautiful by most people.
It uses 98 parameters that showed up in the faces ranked most beautiful by 30 test subjects, including facial symmetry, hair color, skin texture, and deviation from what was determined to be an "average face."
Allegedly it has proven to be accurate at predicting faces that test groups will find beautiful as well. Super duper, but I don't care. You want to know what a beautiful woman looks like? I'll tell you: She has hair on her head or is bald, has teeth (at least some, but none is okay), preferably doesn't wear a patch (although I can make exceptions), and lacks a penis or it is at least smaller than mine. Actually, scratch all that, my only requirement is boobs. Big or small, I love them all. Hey, that rhymed. I love you ladies. *blink* Damnit, that was supposed to be a wink. *blink* Aww, screw it.
Software spots femaile beauty, but we can already do that [dvice]
Mar 18 2008 Make Sure She Says No By Proposing With The USB Engagement Ring
Being pressured by your significant other to pop the question? Are you just not ready for that kind of commitment but want to get in some good asking practice? Enter the USB Engagement ring. Made as a set of two, they can be connected to transfer data to each other (similar to how you can transfer disease with your privates). Now I don't think I need to tell you this is not the way to get engaged. Nope, this is the way to get kneed in the balls. Unless you're down on one knee, in which case it's the way to get your teeth kicked out.
Oh, and as a side note, those are definitely both man hands in the picture. And yes, the pimp in the back is the same minister that officiated my wedding.
Swarovski Engagement Ring Will Surely Get you Turned Down [ohgizmo]
Dec 14 2007 Reflection Watch Features Mirror, The Time
The Reflection watch costs $159. For that money you get a mirror you wear on your wrist that transforms into a watch with bright red LEDs when you push a button. To me it looks a lot like a men's watch, which seems to be the wrong demographic for such a device. I mean, I don't need a damn mirror -- I know I'm fugly. My girlfriend always carries a compact with her and uses it frequently, because she feels she needs to look good all the time. Me? I always look like I got drunk and passed out in a ditch the night before -- which I usually have. But you don't see me checking the mirror. I look like I got hit by a bus and I know it. Just like I know I smell like shit. But you know what, f*** deodorant, it's unnatural.
Reflection watch looks cool [ubergizmo]
Nov 14 2007 Take Control Of Your Man/Woman Remotes
The Take Control Remotes are talking remotes that let the man/woman in your life know exactly what they need to be doing. The Control Your Man Remote features 18 different phrases like "Time to listen!", "What about my needs?", "What were you thinking?", and "Just tell me you love me!". The Control Your Woman says stuff like "Zip it!", "All right, hand over the credit cards!", "Yeah baby, do that again!", "Feed me!", and "I'm outta here!". They run on 2 AAs and cost $18 for one, or $30 for both. I bought the Control Your Woman one, and I think some of the buttons are broken. Like all of them except increase spending, decrease cleaning, and decrease sex. The mute button sure as hell doesn't work.
Control Your Man, Woman Talking Remotes For High Tech Verbal Abuse [nerdapproved]
