Oct 29 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Robbery Masks Fail

Want to rob a house? Need a mask? Pfft, just Sharpie your face off like these idiot morons! Note: +2 homoerotic style points to Matthew for opting for a Robin mask.

Police said they had no trouble identifying two men accused of trying to break into a Carroll apartment.

Police were responding to a call about an attempted burglary when they pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects' vehicle. Inside the car, officers found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker.

Police said the caller described two men with painted faces attempting to break into an apartment Friday night before driving off.

Wow. I haven't seen two bigger bags of fail in a long time. I can't stop laughing! Mmmm, nitrous. Makes me want to go to dental school.

Police: Marker Bandits Arrested [kcci]

Thanks to Kelly, who once tried robbing a house with a bra over her face but was arrested when she got stuck trying to climb through the doggy door.

Feb 5 2009 The Pocket Shark: Not Mightier Than A Sword, But Could Still Put An Attacker's Eye Out

The Pocket Shark is a $7 pen that doubles as a weapon thanks to its rugged construction.

For starters, it's made from the glass-reinforced plastic, Grivory, the same tough material we use in our NIGHTSHADE SERIES (of knives), and features walls that are 4 times thicker than similar markers. This means it's built for impact and, in a self-defense emergency it can become an efficient Yawara stick for driving off an attacker. Plus, the screw-top cap will stay in place and won't pop off like a regular marker's cap would when you strike a percussion blow, or when obtaining joint locks or submission holds.

ZOMG! One minute I'm thinking, "yes, that marker does looks sturdy", and next thing you know they're talking about "percussion blows" and "submission holds". Well, I guess as long as the cap doesn't come off while I'm braining some poor sap. Hey, Superficial Writer -- come check out this pen trick I just learned!

UPDATE: Jesus, who the hell brings nunchucks to work?

Pocket Shark Isn't Your Average Marker [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Mikey, who may or may not be a pocket pool shark.

Mar 3 2008 I'm Sold: Smencils Are Scented Pencils

Remember the Mr. Sketch (great name) Scented Markers that first introduced you to the wonderful world of huffing? I sure do. Damn that grape was out of this world. Well, if you loved them as much as I did, you know about the risk of accidentally marking on your nose and getting pegged as a huffer. Enter Smencils -- the pencil version of scented markers. They cost $10 for a pack of ten different scents, and are totally worth it. Now that doesn't mean I'm going to buy some, but it does mean I'll steal some and rubber cement them up my nose.

Product Page

Thanks to Kelly, who always smells great, for the tip

Jan 25 2008 Make Your Own Custom Sharpie Pens

I used Sharpies all the time -- for labeling, drawing, and scribbling on my passed out girlfriend. In a shocking annoucement Sharpie has decided to allow you to customize your own pens with personalized message, clip art, and font choices. Why? The hell if I know, I don't work for damn Sharpie. What I do know is a 6-pack costs $12 and a 12er runs $22. I'm pretty sure they all have to have the same message though, which sucks. And so does the list of things you can't do:

**Please do not use any obscenities or offensive phrases. Be bold, but don't offend! **No celebrity names, please! Unless of course it's YOUR name! **No professional sports team names - we know you love them, but we want to respect their trademarks too! **No names of major events or landmarks. **No product names, trademarked names, copyrighted names or business names! **No school/college/university names! Use your imagination to find other ways to show your school spirit!

Wow, way to zap the fun out of pen customization, Sharpie. I still sent in an order just for the hell of it, but they emailed me back saying they wouldn't make them for. I tried to explain Cock B. Dragon was my given name, but they didn't falling for it.

Personalized Sharpies [notcot]

Sharpie page, which I used to make the ones in the picture.