Nov 18 2009 Dad Only Speaks Klingon To Son For 3 Years

This handsome dapper portly half-Santa isn't the man in the story, but that doesn't matter. What's important is that he practices good dental hygiene. Also, that some cat named d'Armond Speers decided to only speak Klingon to his son for the first three years of his life. But fret not, he did it with good cause: cruelty experimentation. I knew I had kids for a reason!

"I was interested in the question of whether my son, going through his first language acquisition process, would acquire it like any human language," Speers told the Minnesota Daily. "He was definitely starting to learn it."

And get this, Speers says he isn't really a huge Star Trek fan.

Does the fact that Speers has a doctorate in computational linguistics explain anything -- or excuse anything -- here? Maybe. His child-rearing habits were part of a larger story on the company he advises, Ultralingua, which develops language and translation software. Including Klingon.

Yeah, I don't know how I feel about that. Besides somebody get this man a 'Father of the Year' ribbon! Are you reading this B.F. Skinner? That air-crib was weak shit!

Local dad spoke only Klingon to child for three years [citypages]

Thanks to Demon Spawn and Kelly, who are only speaking jibberish to their children for six years.

Oct 30 2009 Making Not So Beautiful Music Together

Ever wanted a toilet seat that looks like a guitar? It's not high on my list of priorities either, but if you already have every other thing in the world maybe it's time for one. Jammin' Johns come in guitar and piano varieties and will set you back about $180. They go perfect in music themed bathrooms. Which -- oh God please tell me you don't have a themed bathroom. Unless it's beach themed, those are fine. I love the little shell soaps!

Hit the shot for another guitar and a shot of a piano.

Continue Reading " Making Not So Beautiful Music Together "

Oct 16 2009 Coool!: Earth And Jupiter In The Same Photo

This is an amazing photograph of the earth (and moon) and Jupiter (and a few of its moons) in the same frame. Now I know what you're thinking, and no, God didn't take this one.

Sometimes the planets line up in such a way that you can see Earth and Jupiter in the same wide-angle shot. That is, if you were aboard the Mars Global Surveyor on May 22, 2003. When the Mars Orbiter Camera snapped this unique view, Earth was 86 million miles away, and Jupiter was 600 million miles away.

Wow, that really gets you thinking, doesn't it? Like about how far objects in space are from one another. Really far. And speaking of which -- will one of you be so kind as to walk the remote over here?

Hit the jump to see a diagram explaining how the planets were aligned.

Continue Reading " Coool!: Earth And Jupiter In The Same Photo "

Oct 15 2009 Wait, Whaaaaat?: Large Hardron Collider Trying To Destroy Itself From The Future

According to a couple nutjobs that I'm actually starting to believe, the Large Hadron Collider is actually destroying itself FROM THE FUTURE to prevent the discovery of the Higgs boson particle. Whoa.

According to the Times, two physicists posit that the reason that the Large Hadron Collider (and, previously, its unbuilt American counterpart) keeps running into problems isn't bad luck or shoddy workmanship. It's that the LHC's quest to discover the Higgs boson--a heretofore only theorized particle that scientists believe is what gives objects mass--is creating problems to keep itself from being discovered:

"A pair of otherwise distinguished physicists have suggested that the hypothesized Higgs boson, which physicists hope to produce with the collider, might be so abhorrent to nature that its creation would ripple backward through time and stop the collider before it could make one, like a time traveler who goes back in time to kill his grandfather."

I didn't even think about that. But now that I do, it makes perfect sense. And by perfect sense I mean none at all. Unlessssss the LHC is actually a giant T-1000! Then we're back to making perfect sense. I think. I dunno man, I smoked weed for breakfast.

Destroyed by Malicious Forces from the Future? [good.is]

Thanks to ffffffffffffff, Patrick, Elizabeth and burntout, who have secretly been sabotaging the LHC for the sake of humanity. Don't worry guys, your secret's safe with me.

Oct 4 2009 Conspiracy!: Triforce Hidden In U.S. $1 Bills

Proof that our founding fathers were, in fact, from Hyrule, the United States $1 bill has Triforces hidden in all the big block E's. When contacted for comment, Princess Zelda had this to say, "My God you're handsome, Mr. Geekologie Writer". To which I replied, "HAND OVER THE TRIFORCE OF WISDOM!!"

Triforce Hidden In The One Dollar Bill [buzzfeed]

Thanks to greg, who once found a Triforce in a bowl of cereal and sold it on eBay, milk and all.

Sep 28 2009 Stop Smoking The Pew Way: Laser Cessation

Apparently laser therapy has been in practice for awhile, but did you know it could help you stop smoking? I didn't. I'm gonna put the pole down forever! Kidding -- I can't quit you!

* We highly recommend you stop smoking 1-hour prior to your session. (Not required)

* Therapy will take place with a laser technician who will gently stimulate acupuncture points, primarily on the hands, face and ear.
* During the session the emotional and psychological aspects of quitting smoking will be addressed.
* During and after treatment you'll feel relaxed, comfortable and peaceful. There is no pain associated with the treatment.
* Afterwards you'll be able to go back to your normal activities. Most notable effects occur between 18-24 hours after the treatment.
* In general, it takes the average smoker 3-4 days to rid the body of nicotine or its by-products after stopping.

So basically it's acupuncture with a laserbeam. Sounds kind of suspect to me. But who knows, maybe it works. Anybody quit smoking something (anything -- I don't care what) this way? Also, what the hell's about to happen in that picture -- butthurt smoking cessation? Cause that sounds promising.

Product Site

Thanks to Trevor, who actually smokes laserbeams because he's that hardcore.

Aug 7 2009 Bark Translator Tells What Your Dog Wants

The Bowlingual Voice bark translator translates a dog's barks into words a human can understand. Words like, "I'm about to pee on the carpet!"

Developed by Takara Tomy, a Japanese toy company, this little gadget is supposed to translate your dog's feelings into words you can understand (while making your dog look like something out of a sci-fi movie). The gadget can tell you if your dog is sad, joyful, alert to danger, needy, happy or frustrated.

The £129 ($215) gadget can be placed on the dog's collar and includes a receiver which would translate the dogs' barks. The translated bark is displayed on the receiver which also plays in audio phrases like 'I feel sad' or 'Leave me alone', the toy will hit the Japanese market on August 27th.

I question how well the device actually works, but what's $215 to pretend you're your Doctor Dolittle? Read: buy a stethoscope and rectal thermometer and call it a day.

Bowlingual Voice Can Help You Talk To Your Dog! [trendsupdates]

Thanks to Trevor, who once had a conversation with a mounted dear head when they were both on peyote.

Aug 7 2009 WTF Was That?!?: A Highly Questionable Piece Of Exercise Equipment For Women

I've gotten this tip like a thousand times and have been trying to avoid posting it because, damnit, I'm just too classy for this kind of thing (yes, this is a monocle). I mean, it goes against all the theological and geometrical principles I hold dear. Then I realized I was lying to myself and this is the shit I live for. Enjoy!

Youtube

Thanks to everyone who sent this in. I'd try to find all your emails but I'd hate to leave anybody out, so, yeah. Send more tips!

Aug 2 2009 You Did It Wrong: Building Demolition Fail

This is a video of a building demolition in Turkey (arguably my favorite country on rye) gone horribly wrong. Now I'm not saying I could have done better, but I totally could have. With fireworks.

Youtube

Thanks to Lord Tarl, who once imploded a building simply by looking at it funny (and secretly pushing the detonator).

Jul 20 2009 Chicago Bulls/Robotic Death Army Conspiracy

Let's not kid ourselves, robots are going to to take over the planet and only farm us for use as bio-fuel and cage fighters. And, apparently there has been arobotic conspiracy involving the Chicago Bulls logo for some time. And to think, I used to want to be like Mike.

When I was a child, someone showed me the Chicago Bulls logo, upside down, and pointed out that it was, in fact, a robot sitting on a park bench reading the bible. My little mind was blown. 20 plus years later, I look at the logo and no longer see the bull. Just an upside down robot priest...

Why are they doing this? What do these robot overlords want from us? Please, America. Rise up against the cybernetic oppressors before it's too late!

Finally, somebody talking some sense! It's times like these when I know, despite all you naysayers, that I'm not alone. Although, sometimes, I wish I was. Seriously bro, a man needs some private time. Now toss me that National Geographic on your way out, will you? Not that one, the other one. Yeah, with the dino on the cover.

The Chicago Bulls Logo Conspiracy [rationalreality]

Thanks to b00m, who suspects the Celtics logo was created by the Illuminati to help control sports fans.

Jul 13 2009 You're Not So Uncatchable Now, Are You?: Anatomy Of A Gingerbread Man

Jason Freeny, the man behind all the other weird anatomy studies we've featured (and possibly a med school dropout), is back at it, this time with a gingerbread man. Which reminds me: one Christmas my mom made a batch of gingerbread cookies before dinner and said I could only have one or I'd spoil my supper. Well, long story short, I ate like fifteen and got so sick I puked under the Christmas tree. I blamed it all on the dogs. You know what -- it feels good to finally tell somebody. I've been meaning to get this off my chest ever since it happened. 2008 was a bad Christmas for the Geekologie Writer.

Moist Production

Thanks to Jason, the man behind the scalpel.

Jul 8 2009 UPDATE: Highly Questionable, The USB Chainsaw

The i.Saw is allegedly the first USB-powered chainsaw. Supposedly it's real and available for $60 pre-order, but I dunno. I mean, a USB chainsaw would be handy to have around the office, I just question it being a real product. Because $60 sounds a little too good to be true. And with the amount of dead hookers yours truly The Superficial Writer The IWatchStuff Writer disposes of on a weekly basis, this thing would practically pay for itself (but not literally so we'd still have to sell drugs).

UPDATE: Unsurprisingly fake. Thanks to reader Owen who pre-ordered and received this email:

Hello:

We love that you liked the i.Saw enough to pre-order.

Truth is, you already own a chainsaw. Your keyboard.

Help save more trees by cutting down on unnecessary printing. Download
PaperCut, a free application that plays the sound of a chainsaw each
time you press Ctrl-P.

Questionable video after the jump.

Continue Reading " UPDATE: Highly Questionable, The USB Chainsaw "

Jun 17 2009 A Magical Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder

The Magic Missile Massage Bra from Pangao is supposed to make you breasts larger through the use of a little sorcerer and massaging "forceful vibration balls". Yes, forceful vibration balls. Plus, it comes standard with a pretty sweet spiderweb pattern. But what else can it do?

• Make breast up.
• Dredge breast glands.
• Eliminate blood stasis.
• Effectively prevent women from breasts diseases and flaccid
• Also can move fat and make a well-shaped figure.
• If use it often, you can have a sound sleep, immunity from disease and better internal secretion.

Pretty convincing, huh? I know, I just bought thirty and my breasts were already huge! I plan on wearing them all one on top of the other for exponential tissue growth. ZZ's, here I come! I may need a bigger wheelbarrow.

Magic Massage Bra Enlarges Breasts [gizmodo]

Thanks to ffffffffff, who is offering free massages if you're concerned about the safety of using forceful vibration balls.

Jun 12 2009 Questionable: Boy Is Allegedly Hit By Meteorite, Lives To Tell Spread Lies About It

Allegedly Gerrit Blank, 14, of Essen, Germany, got hit by a pea-sized meteorite on his way to school.

A red hot, pea-sized piece of rock then hit his hand before bouncing off and causing a foot wide crater in the ground.

The teenager survived the strike, the chances of which are just 1 in a million - but with a nasty three-inch long scar on his hand.

He said: "At first I just saw a large ball of light, and then I suddenly felt a pain in my hand.

"The noise that came after the flash of light was so loud that my ears were ringing for hours afterwards.

"When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself into the road," he explained.

Jesus, Gerrit, so you didn't finish your book report, it's not that big a deal.

14-year-old hit by 30,000 mph space meteorite [telegraph]

Thanks to catch22, Texico and Joemo, who have all been hit in the face with real UFO's and never missed a class.

Apr 3 2009 UPDATE: A Helicopter Hotel That Flies

The Hotelicopter is allegedly real, although I have some serious doubts (especially if you go to THIS PAGE and see how they're hocking some renderings as real "test flight" pictures). That, and we're two days to April 1st. Still, it might be (but it's totally not).

Experience the adrenaline rush of taking off and flying high in the largest helicopter ever produced. The Hotelicopter features 18 luxuriously-appointed rooms for adrenaline junkies seeking a truly unique and memorable travel experience.

The Hotelicopter is modeled on the Soviet-made Mil V-12, of which there were only two prototypes ever made. The Mil V-12 took its first flight in Russia in 1968 and was awarded numerous world records, which it still holds today. The vehicle also earned the prestigious Sikorsky Prize awarded by the American Helicopter Society for outstanding achievements in helicopter technology.

The Hotelicopter Company purchased one of these prototypes from the Mikhail Leontyevich Mil helicopter plant in Panki-Tomilino, Russia in 2004 and have been engineering the world's first flying hotel ever since.

Eh. Even if it is real I can't say I'm that excited. And not just because I could never afford a flight. No, I'm afraid of heights. Which is why I sleep on a mattress on the floor. Now, which one of you lovely ladies wanna join the ten-inch high club? Memory-foam topper, just sayin'.

UPDATE: FAKE, I just got an email from Hotelicopter.

Thanks for your coverage of The Hotelicopter!

I wanted to let you know that while The Hotelicopter is not real, hotelicopter the company is - we're a new travel brand launching next week.

Can you please update your post accordingly? We did ask Yotel permission to use their images in our prank, and they agreed.

Hit the jump for a couple more of the questionableness, including the interior.

Continue Reading " UPDATE: A Helicopter Hotel That Flies "

Mar 13 2009 Sissypants Suing Over Exploded iPod Touch

A 17-year old and his family are suing Apple after an iPod Touch allegedly blew up in the sissy's pocket and caused 2nd degree burns.

It claims the boy had his i-pod touch off and in his pocket at school on December 4th, when he heard a pop and felt a burning sensation.

The lawsuit is seeking more than 200-thousand dollars in damages.

Pfft, I've got some 2nd degree burns but you don't see me trying to sue Cup Noodles. No, I think there's more to this story than the family is telling us. Namely, their house is about to be foreclosed and there was a reciprocating saw involved in the explosion. Elementary my dear, Watson. Now, fetch me a glass of the good stuff and come sit on Sherlock's lap.

Family Sues Apple Over Exploding iPod [local12]

Thanks to Douche McAllister, who had an entire sever blow up and catch fire in his pants but refused to sue because he's a real man with wrought-iron genitalia.

Mar 13 2009 Avon Selling The Resident Evil T-Virus

So apparently Avon is selling the T-virus to unsuspecting women who want fuller, plumper looking faces. Little do they know they're gonna get just the opposite!

First from Avon: injectable-grade facial filler. A skin care breakthrough! Fullness perfected, not injected!* Dramatic results for dramatically less! Super concentrated serum.** 3x the level of injectable-grade hyaluronic acid for dramatic filling & plumping.*** In just 3 days, begins to reduce the look of deep folds. In 2 weeks, 82% of women saw more youthful fullness in the cheek area.**** In 4 weeks, dramatically reduces the look of deep facial folds and hollowness.

In 5 weeks, you're a zombie and the GW has to take your head off with a shotgun because he won't put up any of your 'NAR NAR BRAINS' zombie bombie bullshit. PEW PEW, Avon, PEW PEW.

Product Site
and
Avon's Derma-Full Totally Looks Like The T-virus [totallylookslike]

Thanks to gordon and residentistEVIL, who called in Rad to the power of Sick today and rushed out to pick up Resident Evil 5.

Aug 14 2008 What's Google Maps Hiding From Us?

This is a picture from Google Maps from somewhere in Holland that looks suspiciously clone-stamped (see the similar looking light colored treetops?). So, Google -- what're you trying to hide, and why? Is it giant "Yahoo Rules!" sign? A monster penis-and-balls somebody mowed into their pot farm? WHAT IS IT? Inquiring minds want to know. Go here to see the actual spot in Google Maps, then post your guess. Mine is 5' 8", 178 lbs. Step right up folks, I'm a carny!

Google Maps Captures Natural Wonders by Photoshop [gizmodo]