Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death

Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!

Picture

Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.

Sep 3 2009 'Gravity Tractor' May Prevent Us From Going Out Like The Dinosaurs (Read: In Style)

Apparently some people are worried that the earth might get struck by an asteroid at some point in time and screw up humankind's plans to eff this world up on our own. Yeah -- who invited you, asteroid?! So what do we do? Build a Gravity Tractor (suck it, John Deere!) to avert certain death. Bitchin'.

NASA's Near Earth Object program currently has 145 potentially hazardous asteroids on its list out of 1,062 objects larger than one kilometer in diameter, and 6,292 total discovered objects. What's all that mean? Well, that there's a lot of stuff out there that could potentially impact our planet -- some of it pretty big.

So instead of sending shuttle crews up at the last minute to blow an approaching asteroid up, British astronomers at the Astrophysics Research Centre are planning to build a 10-ton "gravity tractor" spacecraft that will influence the object's trajectory. The process would take some time -- a craft would have to be launched 15 years in advance to really have an effect -- but, once the tractor arrives, it'd hover close by an asteroid and gently guide it along a different path.

Listen NASA, I know we've had our differences in the past (I never touched that alien!), but I would like to volunteer to drive the Gravity Tractor. I have every reason to believe I'd be the perfect candidate: I have mowed my parents' yard several times and I only hit the fence twice and ran over a sprinkler. Also, I have a natural passion for heavy machinery, especially after drinking. You think about it.

Britain plans 'gravity tractor' to protect Earth from asteroids [dvice]

Aug 24 2009 Sadness: Father Leaves Copy Of Call Of Duty: World At War For Fallen Soldier Son

So yeah, this is sad. Private Richard Hunt, the 200th U.K. soldier to die in Afghanistan, was buried over the weekend. He would have been 22 yesterday.

His father Phillip, enjoyed playing Call of Duty: World at War with his son. He left a copy of the game at his grave.

"Happy Birthday 'Hunty'. Play you again one day. Dad."

Wow, that tore me up.

Dad's Tribute: Call of Duty on Soldier Son's Grave [kotaku]

Thanks to Solozaur, whose single tear splattered F10.

Aug 5 2009 Dang, You've Got It Rough: Video Game FML's

Even if you were just born this morning you've probably heard of FMyLife. The concept is simple: you make up some cheeselog story about how much your life sucks and then you post it on the internet (which is magic) so people can feel better about how much their lives suck. It's really a victorious feeling. So yeah, these are some FMyLife's written by famous video game characters. Now, I encourage you all to write your own video game inspired FML's in the comments. I'll get you started:

I think I'm in love. Unfortunately, every attempt I make at sweeping my love interest off her little feet is thwarted by a Big Daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks (0) - you totally deserve it (24933024 jillion)
On 08/05/1960 at 8:24am - love - by Jack - Rapture, Atlantic Ocean

Hit the link for a couple more.

Video Game FMyLife [collegehumor]

Thanks to Joemo, whose life is awesome. Good for you, Joemo. No, really, I'm happy for you.

Jun 23 2009 Only In Latvia: Secure A Loan With You Soul

Actually, I heard it works in hell too. But for those of you that like it a little cooler, a Latvian firm is offering loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) secured only by your immortal soul.

Riga-based firm, named Kontora, does not require credit history record or proof of employment.

According to the agreement, the only security required of the borrower is their immortal soul, which they are asked to confirm as their previously unmortgaged property.

Damn you, previously unmortgaged property clause! You see, I was in Georgia sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot. I won a bike. With a red-hot poker for a seat. Damn you, devil!

Latvian firm accepts souls as guarantee for credits [mosnews]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who lost his soul in a game of beer pong. Jesus, Spikey -- I like your style.

Jun 16 2009 When The Fairy Tale Ends, Real Life Begins: A Gallery Of Fallen Princesses

This is a gallery of princesses from fairy tales living in current times. All the pictures were taken by photographer Dina Goldstein, and, as you will see, are none too joyful. Which is exactly why I guarantee all of my lovers a horrible time right from the start. THERE WILL BE NO HAPPILY EVER AFTER. Just like making love with a rocketpack on -- in the end, you will get burned.

Hit the jump to see the rest, then the link to see them in higher res or if you can't figure out which fairy tale they're from.

Continue Reading " When The Fairy Tale Ends, Real Life Begins: A Gallery Of Fallen Princesses "

Jun 16 2009 Death Is No Match For Captain America

That's right folks, like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a burnt comic, the original Captain America is coming back for more ass-kicking action.

"REBORN is the next chapter in the larger story that I've been building in [CAPTAIN AMERICA] since issue #1," explains the writer, who launched this current volume in 2004. "This is a chance to really explore how things have changed in the years since Steve's death and really delve deep into who Steve Rogers is and why he became Captain America. It's a really a [story] with two or three different plotlines that all intertwine, which is a lot of fun and allows us to have [both] in-your-face action and quiet character moments."

"We've been planning the story of Cap's return virtually from the moment that he died"

Wow, does nobody stay dead anymore? I mean, Jesus. Seriously, you started this.

Reborn Revealed [marvel] (click for a much more detailed look at the series)

Thanks to FDSY, who plans to zombie it up himself someday.

May 15 2009 A Day In The Life Viewed Entirely In Logos

You may have already seen this before, and if you have, congratulations, you're a real internetellect. But for those of you who haven't, this is a day in the life of some woman named Jane viewed entirely in logos. Pretty clever. I thought about making one for myself, but then realized it would just be HP, Geekologie, Maker's Mark, Jurassic Park and Kleenex. I'm a simple guy, really.

Fun with brands - Jane's Brand-timeline Portrait [dearjanesample]

Thanks to Caroline, who only uses off-brands because she's thrifty. OR MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE SHE KNOWS SOMETHING WE DON'T! Caroline, is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?

Apr 22 2009 Scientists Find Watery, Earth-Like Planet?

Earth Day Fools! Oh, wait, no. Apparently this is real, and only 20.5 light-years away! Ladies and gentlemen -- start your rocket engines. PSSSSHOOOOOOOOW! PEW PEW.

The Gliese 581 planetary system now has four known planets, with masses of about 1.9 (planet e, left in the foreground), 16 (planet b, nearest to the star), 5 (planet c, center), and 7 Earth-masses (planet d, with the bluish colour).

Michel Mayor, a well-known exoplanet researcher from the Geneva Observatory, announced the find today. The planet, "e," in the famous system Gliese 581, is only about twice the mass of our Earth. The team also refined the orbit of the planet Gliese 581 d, first discovered in 2007, placing it well within the habitable zone, where liquid water oceans could exist.

Planet Gliese 581 d, is that really the best they could do? GIVE IT A REAL DAMN NAME ALREADY. I propose Waterworld. And speaking of which, that was a hell of a movie, was it not? Oh, I'm getting a "no" from The IWatchStuff Writer. But he had gills, man, gills!

Nearly Earth-sized Planet, Possible Watery World Spotted Near Another Star [universetoday]

Thanks to Morgana, who, for an Earth-related tip on Earth Day, wins a free trip to Gliese 581 d, just as soon I finish my rocketship.

Apr 14 2009 Worth $500K?: The Human Regenerator

The Human Regenerator is a $553,400 piece of monkey shit that's supposed to make you live longer or something. Personally, I think it looks suspiciously like Superman's tanning bed of solitude.

The Human Regenerator is a Quantum-Pulse-Device that imitates and generates the cellular body's natural frequencies ranging between 0.0005 and 38,000 Hz.

Through intensive treatment with the body's own healthy frequencies, the organism is regenerated in a natural way. This process is enhanced by specially treated silicium and aluminum depots, which with the help of right spinning protos have an anti-aging effect.

Furthermore, longitudinal waves are used as a filter to create more human-like waves, therefore adding pure positive energy to the body.

Very convincing technology there. Unfortunately, only 50 of the devices are being made, and "will be offered to a small circle of prominent figures of our time." But if you showed up with $500K, I guarantee you could get one. And also, maybe some hooker action. Which, let's be realistic, will do a lot more for you than Quatum-Cell-Coding ever will -- provided you wrap it up. Otherwise, cooties bro.

Product Website

Thanks to Mushishi, who's also selling a cellular regenerator that looks suspiciously like a microwave oven with no door.

Feb 11 2009 Teens Spend Average Of 7.25 Hours Per Month Looking At Adult Content Online

I thought it would be more. Waaaay more.

That equates to 87 hours a year spent surfing for porn. A further hour and 35 minutes is spent looking at dieting and weight loss websites.

The poll revealed teenagers spend at least three hours and 10 minutes a week researching topics for their homework, and another one hour and 40 minutes downloading or listening to music. A further two hours and two minutes is spent looking at clips on YouTube, whilst an hour and 22 minutes is spent scouring NHS direct or other health websites for information about illnesses, puberty and growing pains.

Chat rooms, forums, MSN, and social networking sites such as Facebook also play an important role in the average life of a teenager, who can spend up to nine hours a week chatting to friends and new acquaintances.

Nine hours a week on Facebook? Jesus, what a bunch of rank amateurs. Try nine hours a day. Haha, I just Superpoked you, now Superpoke me back.

Hit the link for a much more in-depth breakdown of how teens piss away their lives online.

Teens spend average of 87 hours a year looking at porn online [dailymail]

Thanks to Skynet, who has apparently become self-aware and is now sending tips. Yikes.

Feb 2 2009 Jurassic Park Here I Come!: Scientists Clone Extinct Species, Dinosaurs Hopefully Next

That happy little camper is a Pyrenean ibex. He's from Narnia. And sadly, he's dead. Along with all the other Pyrenean ibexes. But scientists just cloned one from frozen cells but then it died too. So there aren't any more. Which is a real shame, they look delicious.

Using DNA taken from these skin samples, the scientists were able to replace the genetic material in eggs from domestic goats, to clone a female Pyrenean ibex, or bucardo as they are known. It is the first time an extinct animal has been cloned.

Sadly, the newborn ibex kid died shortly after birth due to physical defects in its lungs. Other cloned animals, including sheep, have been born with similar lung defects.

t has also increased the possibility that it will one day be possible to reproduce long-dead species such as woolly mammoths and even dinosaurs.

Did you read that last bit? I didn't make that up, somebody actually wrote that. Dinosaurs, baby, get excited. Speaking of which, The Geekologie Writer's Heavy-Petting Zoo is currently seeking financial investors. Facebook message me if you're rich. Or want to exchange naked pictures.

Extinct ibex is resurrected by cloning [telegraph]

Thanks to Adam and Mark, who will each receive a free Woolly Mammoth ride.

Jan 31 2009 This Is What A Billion Dollars Looks Like

Get a good look folks, because you're sure as hell never gonna see it in real life.

One Billion Dollar is stacked on 12 standard pallets, altogether 10 million 100 USD notes. One Billion Dollar is not so much about what you see but what you could do or not do with the money. Besides, this is the most expensive piece of art ever made.

Haha, that's not art, that's somebody robbed a bank. And speaking of which....

UPDATE: Damnit, wrong bank. Oh well -- anybody looking to get pregnant?

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures and another piece of art by the same artist (Michael Marcovici) that depicts an average life in bags of Rolex sand.

Continue Reading " This Is What A Billion Dollars Looks Like "

Jan 29 2009 Yay?: First Commercially Cloned Dog In US

Ed and Nina Otto are two rich crybabies that just couldn't deal with the cancer death of their dog Sir Lancelot Encore in January, 2008. So what did the couple do? Be happy with their eight other dogs? Adopt another one from the pound? Hell no, that would be too logical. Instead, the Otto's paid $155,000 to have Sir Crapalot cloned by South Korean company BioArts International.

"He's back with me," said Nina, "in terms of the essence of him, as much as you could probably expect to ever get back someone who died."

This is Sir Lancelot, as he was, when he was nice and healthy," said Nina Otto, "probably around the time that we actually took his DNA and froze it."

"I know that to a lot of people spending that much money is ridiculous. I've heard some of my friends say 'On a dog?', but it wasn't just a dog. It was Lancelot."

No, he was just a dog. And, despite his name, he probably couldn't even wield a sword. And who's to say this one isn't going to get cancer too? Smart thinking. And on a side note, I have news for you folks: your dog isn't special to anyone but you -- everybody else thinks your dog is plain. Some of your friends probably even think it's sub-plain despite what they tell you to your face. No, the only truly special dog in this world is mine. Ooh, and that one that can walk on its back legs.

Pair Pay £100k To Clone Dead Pet [sky]

Thanks to Clint, whose efforts to clone his favorite turtle have failed.

Jan 28 2009 Fail: A Lesson In How Not To Kill Yourself

If you want to kill yourself by driving your beautifully rusting 1987 Dodge van off a cliff, make sure you catch enough air to not end up teetering on the edge of a precipice.

34-year-old Daniel J. Lyons and his sweet 1987 Dodge van bounced down the rocky side of the canyon at Colorado National Monument park this past Wednesday only to be brought to an abrupt halt by an outcropping. Rescue workers found him teetering over the 170-foot drop. Eventually, a litter was lowered over the edge and Lyons was pulled to safety.

Lyons is adamant the incident was an accident, but investigators couldn't find any skid marks or other signs of mishap, indicating this was, in fact, likely a suicide attempt. The van will remain perched on the cliff below Rim Rock Drive until authorities find a way to remove it or gravity has its way.

Jesus, I can think of a lot better ways to go than driving a perfectly good van off a cliff. Including, and currently limited to: mailing yourself. To the sun.

Hit the jump for a couple more amazing pictures.

Continue Reading " Fail: A Lesson In How Not To Kill Yourself "

Jan 22 2009 Get Away From The World And Die Alone And Miserably In The 'Generic Escape Capsule'

'The Generic Escape Capsule' was fashioned by Australian artist Adam Norton out of an old wardrobe after he discovered it wouldn't transport him to a magical land where he could f*** lions and witches and goat-people. Basically, Adam included everything a person would need to survive a couple days away from the world, should one get tired of their nagging wife/girlfriend or get buried in an earthquake. Plus, as a bonus, it doubles as a masturbation chamber. Triples as kindling.

Hit the jump for a close up of the last thing you'll see before you decide it's just not worth living anymore.

Continue Reading " Get Away From The World And Die Alone And Miserably In The 'Generic Escape Capsule' "

Jan 12 2009 It's So Haaaaard To Say Goodbyeeeee To Yesterdaaaaaay: The Shredder Calendar

The Chrono-Shredder is a wall calendar designed by Susanna Hertrich that shreds the days as they pass. It takes a full 24-hours to shred a date, but only 10 minutes to run a dead hooker through a wood-chipper.

The Chrono-Shredder is a device that reminds us of the preciousness of our lifetime. It represents the passing of time by shredding the days of the year - printed on a paper roll - at a slow constant rate. To shred one day takes 24 hours. There is no "off"-button. As the seconds pass by, the tattered remains of the past pile up under the device...

Neat. Holler at 'ol Susanna (who cries for no one) if you can help manufacture them. Because I need one in a bad way -- I never have any idea what day it is. All I know is we've got an election coming up -- and then Jesus' birthday! WOOT!

Hit the jump for a picture of the mess the calendar makes.

Continue Reading " It's So Haaaaard To Say Goodbyeeeee To Yesterdaaaaaay: The Shredder Calendar "

Jan 8 2009 Learn: How To Excel In A Job Interview

And that, dear reader, is how I became The Geekologie Writer.

Youtube

Thanks to Tim, whose special skills aren't just limited to a 20-inch dong.

Jan 5 2009 Little Jellyfish Cheats Death, Death Is Pissed

So apparently there's this little jellyfish creature (Turritopsis nutricula, a form of hydrozoa) that doesn't ever die. Biology is beyond me, so I'll let somebody else do the talking while I make a sandwich have a sandwich made for me.

What these little folks do is they revert completely to a sexually immature, colonial stage after they reach sexual maturity. They're even cooler than that. When they're young they've got only several tentacles, but at a mature stage, they get to 80-90 of them.

They're able to return to polyp stage due to a cell change in the external screen (Exumbrella), which allows them to bypass death. As far as scientists have been able to find out, this change renders the hydrozoa virtually immortal.

Did that make any sense? I didnt' bother reading it, but I think it had something to do with being able to regenerate your arm like a starfish. *sawing through bone*

UPDATE: Um, so does anybody have the number for Luke Skywalker's doctor?

Meet the world's only immortal animal [zmescience]

Thanks to Emile, who only wants to live long enough to see a hovercar.

Nov 21 2008 Kitty Born With Two Faces Is Cute, Meow-y

A kitten was born in Australia on Wednesday with two faces. It is super cute and made me wish all pets had more faces. But then I realized how expensive it would be to feed all those extra faces, and decided it wasn't so awesome afer all.

The two-faced feline was one of three in a litter and appears to be doing well.

It hasn't got a name yet, but the owner is thinking of calling it Quasi Modo, according to local news Web site inmycommunity.com.au.

Yeah, Quasi Modo, that won't f*** it up for life. You might as well saw off a couple legs and name it Cripples.

A closeup after the jump.

Continue Reading " Kitty Born With Two Faces Is Cute, Meow-y "