Oct 8 2009 Wow, That Was Sad: Tree Electrocutes Itself

This is a video of a tree which, unable to cope with the unruly birds and squirrels that have taken up residence in its branches, has decided to off itself with the help of a nearby power line. It's almost as painful to watch as your apartment building going up in flames because you were trying to grow pot in your closet. Almost. NOT THAT I'D KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. Pfft, I went to D.A.R.E.!

Tree Electrocutes Self [collegehumor]

Thanks to NUTZBABIE, who I would probably steer clear of.

Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death

Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!

Picture

Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.

Sep 3 2009 'Gravity Tractor' May Prevent Us From Going Out Like The Dinosaurs (Read: In Style)

Apparently some people are worried that the earth might get struck by an asteroid at some point in time and screw up humankind's plans to eff this world up on our own. Yeah -- who invited you, asteroid?! So what do we do? Build a Gravity Tractor (suck it, John Deere!) to avert certain death. Bitchin'.

NASA's Near Earth Object program currently has 145 potentially hazardous asteroids on its list out of 1,062 objects larger than one kilometer in diameter, and 6,292 total discovered objects. What's all that mean? Well, that there's a lot of stuff out there that could potentially impact our planet -- some of it pretty big.

So instead of sending shuttle crews up at the last minute to blow an approaching asteroid up, British astronomers at the Astrophysics Research Centre are planning to build a 10-ton "gravity tractor" spacecraft that will influence the object's trajectory. The process would take some time -- a craft would have to be launched 15 years in advance to really have an effect -- but, once the tractor arrives, it'd hover close by an asteroid and gently guide it along a different path.

Listen NASA, I know we've had our differences in the past (I never touched that alien!), but I would like to volunteer to drive the Gravity Tractor. I have every reason to believe I'd be the perfect candidate: I have mowed my parents' yard several times and I only hit the fence twice and ran over a sprinkler. Also, I have a natural passion for heavy machinery, especially after drinking. You think about it.

Britain plans 'gravity tractor' to protect Earth from asteroids [dvice]

Jul 28 2009 Spoiled Brat Gets 98" TV In Ceiling Above Bed

Patti Deni, undoubtedly trying to make up for her lack of parenting (or child droppage), had a 98-inch StarGlas60 television installed in the ceiling above her teenage son's bed.

"Because it's so big and has such a wide viewing angle, Patty's son wouldn't have to lay flat on his back necessary to see the screen," Bohner explains.

"He and his friends can prop themselves just about anywhere and get a good view," adds Patty.

Wow. I didn't even have a TV in my bedroom until I was....okay, I don't think I've ever had a TV in my bedroom. And you know why? Because I don't sleep. LIKE EDWARD IN TWILIGHT. Only I'm dreamier. Somebody, anybody, back me up. DO IT NOW!

100-inch Screen Gets Mounted Flush in the Ceiling [electronichouse]

Thanks to naas and 42 y/o undead warlock, whose kids are lucky to not sleep under the dining room table.

Jun 23 2009 Only In Latvia: Secure A Loan With You Soul

Actually, I heard it works in hell too. But for those of you that like it a little cooler, a Latvian firm is offering loans of 50 to 500 Latvian lats ($100 to $1,000) secured only by your immortal soul.

Riga-based firm, named Kontora, does not require credit history record or proof of employment.

According to the agreement, the only security required of the borrower is their immortal soul, which they are asked to confirm as their previously unmortgaged property.

Damn you, previously unmortgaged property clause! You see, I was in Georgia sawin' on a fiddle and playin' it hot. I won a bike. With a red-hot poker for a seat. Damn you, devil!

Latvian firm accepts souls as guarantee for credits [mosnews]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who lost his soul in a game of beer pong. Jesus, Spikey -- I like your style.

Apr 14 2009 Worth $500K?: The Human Regenerator

The Human Regenerator is a $553,400 piece of monkey shit that's supposed to make you live longer or something. Personally, I think it looks suspiciously like Superman's tanning bed of solitude.

The Human Regenerator is a Quantum-Pulse-Device that imitates and generates the cellular body's natural frequencies ranging between 0.0005 and 38,000 Hz.

Through intensive treatment with the body's own healthy frequencies, the organism is regenerated in a natural way. This process is enhanced by specially treated silicium and aluminum depots, which with the help of right spinning protos have an anti-aging effect.

Furthermore, longitudinal waves are used as a filter to create more human-like waves, therefore adding pure positive energy to the body.

Very convincing technology there. Unfortunately, only 50 of the devices are being made, and "will be offered to a small circle of prominent figures of our time." But if you showed up with $500K, I guarantee you could get one. And also, maybe some hooker action. Which, let's be realistic, will do a lot more for you than Quatum-Cell-Coding ever will -- provided you wrap it up. Otherwise, cooties bro.

Product Website

Thanks to Mushishi, who's also selling a cellular regenerator that looks suspiciously like a microwave oven with no door.

Feb 2 2009 Jurassic Park Here I Come!: Scientists Clone Extinct Species, Dinosaurs Hopefully Next

That happy little camper is a Pyrenean ibex. He's from Narnia. And sadly, he's dead. Along with all the other Pyrenean ibexes. But scientists just cloned one from frozen cells but then it died too. So there aren't any more. Which is a real shame, they look delicious.

Using DNA taken from these skin samples, the scientists were able to replace the genetic material in eggs from domestic goats, to clone a female Pyrenean ibex, or bucardo as they are known. It is the first time an extinct animal has been cloned.

Sadly, the newborn ibex kid died shortly after birth due to physical defects in its lungs. Other cloned animals, including sheep, have been born with similar lung defects.

t has also increased the possibility that it will one day be possible to reproduce long-dead species such as woolly mammoths and even dinosaurs.

Did you read that last bit? I didn't make that up, somebody actually wrote that. Dinosaurs, baby, get excited. Speaking of which, The Geekologie Writer's Heavy-Petting Zoo is currently seeking financial investors. Facebook message me if you're rich. Or want to exchange naked pictures.

Extinct ibex is resurrected by cloning [telegraph]

Thanks to Adam and Mark, who will each receive a free Woolly Mammoth ride.

Jan 29 2009 Yay?: First Commercially Cloned Dog In US

Ed and Nina Otto are two rich crybabies that just couldn't deal with the cancer death of their dog Sir Lancelot Encore in January, 2008. So what did the couple do? Be happy with their eight other dogs? Adopt another one from the pound? Hell no, that would be too logical. Instead, the Otto's paid $155,000 to have Sir Crapalot cloned by South Korean company BioArts International.

"He's back with me," said Nina, "in terms of the essence of him, as much as you could probably expect to ever get back someone who died."

This is Sir Lancelot, as he was, when he was nice and healthy," said Nina Otto, "probably around the time that we actually took his DNA and froze it."

"I know that to a lot of people spending that much money is ridiculous. I've heard some of my friends say 'On a dog?', but it wasn't just a dog. It was Lancelot."

No, he was just a dog. And, despite his name, he probably couldn't even wield a sword. And who's to say this one isn't going to get cancer too? Smart thinking. And on a side note, I have news for you folks: your dog isn't special to anyone but you -- everybody else thinks your dog is plain. Some of your friends probably even think it's sub-plain despite what they tell you to your face. No, the only truly special dog in this world is mine. Ooh, and that one that can walk on its back legs.

Pair Pay £100k To Clone Dead Pet [sky]

Thanks to Clint, whose efforts to clone his favorite turtle have failed.

Jan 5 2009 Little Jellyfish Cheats Death, Death Is Pissed

So apparently there's this little jellyfish creature (Turritopsis nutricula, a form of hydrozoa) that doesn't ever die. Biology is beyond me, so I'll let somebody else do the talking while I make a sandwich have a sandwich made for me.

What these little folks do is they revert completely to a sexually immature, colonial stage after they reach sexual maturity. They're even cooler than that. When they're young they've got only several tentacles, but at a mature stage, they get to 80-90 of them.

They're able to return to polyp stage due to a cell change in the external screen (Exumbrella), which allows them to bypass death. As far as scientists have been able to find out, this change renders the hydrozoa virtually immortal.

Did that make any sense? I didnt' bother reading it, but I think it had something to do with being able to regenerate your arm like a starfish. *sawing through bone*

UPDATE: Um, so does anybody have the number for Luke Skywalker's doctor?

Meet the world's only immortal animal [zmescience]

Thanks to Emile, who only wants to live long enough to see a hovercar.

Nov 21 2008 Damnit, This Makes Me Sadder Than Hell

Abraham Briggs, a 19-year old from Florida, killed himself with pills while 1,500 people watched his streaming webcam on Justin.tv. Goddamnit.

He had told others on a chat forum that he planned to kill himself and posted a suicide note on another forum before taking the pills and turning on his webcam.

Because he had made similar threats in the past, moderators did not take him seriously and other forum members even encouraged him to kill himself. He then posted his suicide note.

"I have reached out for help so many times, and yet I believe, I was turned away because of the things I did, that it is a punishment I am willing to take, for I know that being who I am has only brought myself and others pain."

While he lay dead on the bed after the overdose, many forum members continued to insult him, thinking the suicide was staged.

F***ing f*** this makes me sad. There's just no reason for it. No reason for Abraham to kill himself, and no reason for a bunch of assholes to egg him on. Now I'm no trained professional, but know that I'm here for all of you -- I'm only an email away. And remember: there is no Geekologie in hell.

Bodybuilder commits suicide live on web while viewers abuse him [metro]

Thanks Asbo and Robert.

RIP Abraham.

Oct 14 2008 Elephants Text Message Rangers To Warn Villages Of Their Impending Doom

Several elephants (including a male named Kimani) in Kenya's Ol Pejeta conservancy have special collars that send text messages to park rangers should they start to venture too close to a village.

The huge bull elephant had a long history of raiding villagers' crops during the harvest, sometimes wiping out six months of income at a time. But this time a mobile phone card inserted in his collar sent rangers a text message. Lesowapir, an armed guard and a driver arrived in a jeep bristling with spotlights to frighten Kimani back into the Ol Pejeta conservancy.

Not a bad idea. The texting comes as a result of having to kill several other elephants as a result of their crop-destroying behaviors. Kimani is the last of a group of six regular raiders, and has already been deterred 15 times by his texting. Now if I could just rig up something similar for my girlfriends when they venture too close to the house unexpected....

UPDATE: F*** it, I'm going with shock collars.

Kenya's elephants send text messages to rangers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Romeo and Jason, who have both put on shock collars and taken turns running across an invisible fence.

Sep 19 2008 More Phone Calls From Beyond The Grave

Okay, last time it was text messages, but still. Apparently close family members of Chuck Peck, a passenger who died on impact as a result of the recently crashed Metrolink train, received 35 calls from him the night of the accident.

It is logical to assume that the phone calls were the result of a technical malfunction and not supernatural forces. And, as far as I know, there has been no analysis of the condition of the cellphone itself. But consider this--all 35 calls were made to close family members only: his son, brother, sister, stepmother and fiancee.

Holy crap that is freaky. And sad. But to cheer you up, I've got a similar, happier story: A roommate of mine got killed by a city bus but still managed to order 4 XL pepperoni pizzas to the apartment. Just kidding, I stole his credit card before they deactivated it.

LA Train Victim Makes 35 Phone Calls From Beyond the Grave [gizmodo]

Thanks to Matt, who once sent an email from beyond the birth.

Sep 2 2008 Dad's Cab Racks Up Chore Fares For Toting Your Ungrateful Children Around Town

If you're anything like me you made the mistake of getting your girlfriend pregnant because she told you she was a millionaire. And now you're stuck with two (she told me she was worth at least $500,000 the second time) ungrateful teenagers that want to go to the mall everyday or over to their friend's house to do drugs and/or have sex. Enter Dad's Cab, an $18 clock that looks like a taxi meter. You just slap that mother to the dash with adhesive tape, load up the kids, and then drive them wherever they demand. Then, when you're slowing down to 25MPH so they can roll out, you toss a fare card out the window. Fares include "Bring me a mug of tea an the paper on the weekend", "Wash, wax, and vacuum my car", "Let daddy get drunk in front of the TV for the night", "Stop stealing my beer", "Get a freaking job", and "Run away from home".

Geez, whatever happened to using public transportation? When I was a kid, there was no asking my parents for a ride. They'd just pin a note to my shirt with my destination printed on it and send me off to the bus stop. And that, dear reader, is how I was kidnapped by a one-eyed prostitute.

Dad's cab, a taxi meter for your social butterfly kids [dvice]

Thanks Julia tripped on whiskey, we should get together and do that sometime.

Jul 24 2008 Why So Serious?: Custom Joker Shoes

Custom shoe-painter SweatShop Clothing sent me the link to a pair of Heath Ledger Joker shoes he made for some chick in New Zealand that wanted them to wear to the movie or something. Here they are. Hit the jump to see a ton of pictures, including several of the painting process. Great job SweatShop. Now how about some polos, but instead of a crocodile or guy on horseback, a little "Why so serious?" Joker face. Oh hell yes. Just let me know if you need any help in the factory, I'll send the neighbor's kids right over.

Hit it for a ton more, and a link to the artist's Myspace if you want something similar.

P.S. Miss you Heath.

Continue Reading " Why So Serious?: Custom Joker Shoes "

Jul 9 2008 I Want: Bubble Wrap Calendar Is Popsome

The Bubble Calendar is a poster-sized calendar with a bubble to pop every day. They're available in vertical and horizontal models and measure 48" x 17.5" (or 17.5" x 48"!). The printed on paper version will set you back $30, but if you want it on a high quality plastic backing you'll have to pop $50. I think I want one, the only problem is I have no self control. The entire calendar would probably last a week. Now a condom calendar -- that'd last a while. And not because I live dangerously, but because I've never seen a vagina. Unless that blurry one I think I saw on the scrambled porno channel counts. Which, let's be honest, totally should. Haha, virgin no more!

Bubble Calendar Website

Thanks Brendan, I rented a Moon Bounce for my party this weekend if you want to come over and try to pop it.

Jun 24 2008 I'm Buying: Man Auctions Off Entire Life (Including Pride And Dignity) On eBay

Ian Usher is a 44-year old Australian that's selling his entire life on eBay. No, you don't get to kill him, but you do get his house, car, motorcycle, hot tub, friends, job, grill, pictures, computer, underwear, pride, and self respect. The auction ends on Sunday and is already up to about $300,000. Ian is holding the auction after his 12-year relationship with some chick name Laura dissolved and left him broken-hearted. He's looking for a clean start and will begin his new life with nothing but the clothes on his back and the proceeds from the auction (he's hoping for around $500,000). When asked why the relation went sour, Ian replied, "She started kangarooing some other dude. She wanted to settle down and thought I was too impulsive -- the kind of guy that would sell his entire life on eBay." Boy, you sure showed her!

Hit the jump for a bunch of pictures of stuff included in the auction, along with a link to the auction, his blog explaining the situation, and a yahoo news article.

Continue Reading " I'm Buying: Man Auctions Off Entire Life (Including Pride And Dignity) On eBay "

May 21 2008 LEGO Guns Look Dangerous, But Aren't

BrickGun makes LEGO kits that resemble real guns. The company is not to be confused with Brickarms, which makes little guns for LEGO figures. And unlike Forbidden LEGO sets, these won't actually shoot anything. But hey, they still look like guns.

We are the world leader in custom Lego weapon models. We specialize in creating the coolest, most realistic kits that can be built using genuine Lego parts. Each model is life-sized, with accurate dimensions and details. They feature functioning mechanics such as triggers, hammers, slides, safeties and magazines so they not only look like the real thing, they work like the real thing as well.

Yeah, they work just like the real thing. You know, except firing anything. But seriously, that's only a small part of a gun's function anyways. The MP5 kit was a limited edition set and is already sold out, but they still have plenty of Berettas, Glocks and Desert Eagle models (see pictures of these after the jump). All kits range in price from $40 - $60. And honestly, what could be cooler than owning a LEGO gun? Besides, oh I don't know, cutting the grass with a really shitty old mower because your wife won't let you buy a ride-on model. God I hate cutting the grass. Don't some people just like burn their lawn or something?

UPDATE: Oh f***. I'll man the garden hose, you call the fire department. Just tell them you're with The Geekologie Writer, they'll know what to do.

Pictures of all the models after the jump.

Continue Reading " LEGO Guns Look Dangerous, But Aren't "

May 6 2008 Geek Flowchart From The New York Times

This is a flowchart from The New York Times that explains that if you're exposed to Dungeons and Dragons too early in life you end up developing an intense relationship with computers and never get any sunlight or chicks. It's pretty accurate. Especially the part about LOLCATS, those little guys are just too precious. And I love they way they talk. HAY I IZ IN UR POST BEIN CUTEZ. See, that was my cat. Just kidding, they don't ever talk. They just shit on the guest bed, which the dog eventually eats.

NOTE: To the friends that stayed at our place this past weekend, that was totally a joke*.

* Psyche, you nasty!

Full Size Picture

geek flow chart is way too accurate [technabob]

May 5 2008 How To Traumatize Your Children

My parents didn't need a book to effectively traumatize us for life. They did a fine job on their own. Well for today's slacking parents there's How To Traumatize Your Children, a book in the Self-Hurt series (along with How To Cut Yourself).

You'll learn how to:

• Determine your traumatizing "type"
• Cultivate your children's resentment
• Give your children enough material to write a memoir someday
• Defend your choices against others who've opted to traumatize differently

The 192 page full color book only runs $10 and is a great companion piece to The Superficial Writer's My Drunk As Shit Daddy, which explains to kids why their daddy peed in the fishtank, and why his urine killed the turtle. But if reading isn't your thing you can always just have sex with the door open. That'll screw a kid up for life. Even beyond if you're caught doing some freaky cosplay shit or a mommy/daddy role reversal.

How To Traumatize Your Children Book [ohgizmo]

Apr 18 2008 u-BOT 5 Robot Designed To Help The Elderly

Well folks, it looks like today turned into robot day at Geekologie. You're cool with that aren't you? You do love robots, right? Because if you don't I'll tell them, and when they take over the world you'll be seriously f'd. Possibly in the a, and almost certainly with something metal. Anyway, u-BOT 5 is a robot designed by researchers at the University of Massachusetts. It may be the missing upper half of the homeless robot and was made to help old people should something happen to them. Its capabilities include "picking up small objects, dialing 911 and even using a stethoscope to check vitals." It packs a webcam, microphone, LCD touchscreen, WiFi, and could potentially be used to make virtual housecalls . As you can see from the picture, if you ever fall and can't get up there's nothing to fear when uBOT-5 is near. He'll just wheel himself over and, uh, kidney punch the shit out of you with his little ball-hands.

uBOT-5 Makes Life Alert Look like Crap [gizmodo]